designer71

sorry - I didn't realize that was the best way to go about it - thanks for the advice I do appreciate it - and I will check my other post!

Hi everyone, I wrote yesterday telling of my latest messed up adventure with my ex. Please read my other postings to gain an idea of what has been going on - especially yesterday's posting. Anyhow, I called him and broke things off this afternoon, and I am in such a panic. I want to call him back so badly and tell him we can talk it over. I want to stay strong....I know he's a user and a loser, but I almost feel addicted to him and the drama. Help!!

Hi everyone, I appreciate your advice on this since I am so confused and don't know what to think. I have had this on and off again relationship for 2 years. We broke up a few months ago. We have had NC for a little over a month. He did the breaking up with me, so I asked for NC. I was doing fine until he e-mailed me last thurs nite with his new address & phone #. I e-mailed him back (I know I shouldn't have) and thanked him for the info and told him I hoped he was doing well. Well, one thing led to another, and we e-mailed back and forth until Friday night when he invited me to his house. We of course had sex (I knew it was going to go there) and then went out to dinner and to the beach. He told me he loved me, he says he always has, and asked me to have his children someday. I told him that if things could stay good between us, that we could get married. After spending most of the weekend together with no problems, we were talking on the phone Monday night and we were talking about another couple we know, and the subject came up that he didn't consider us "officially" back together. I was so hurt, I had instant tears in my eyes and got choked up. I simply said "Oh, I thought we were". And he said he thought we weren't "official" yet because he says that I said that we weren't yet because we had some stuff to work through. I didn't say that. I said that we do have some work to do on our relationship, but I never said we weren't or couldn't be together. I got off the phone rather quickly after that as I could see a huge fight brewing. I told him simply that I was too tired to talk about it right then, that we would talk about it another time. I started watching TV and an hour went by and he called and I didn't pick up. He left this long message about how he is right, blah, blah, blah. I didn't call him back and I didn't call or e-mail him all day yesterday. He called me last night and tried to act like all was well and didn't bring it up at all, so I politely ended the phone call. I feel entitled to an apology. I am so hurt and feel mislead. What are anyone's thoughts? I need to decide how I want to communicate with him regarding this mess.

Can't be! There must be more of us!!! LOL

Nope - you are not the only one - I am broken-hearted in MA too!!

I have been doing some of the things that he didn't enjoy doing with me. I wear my hair the way I like it - not the way he liked it. I get a good night's sleep every night since he isnt keeping me up late. I eat better since he didn't eat a lot of veggies. I rent all of the chick flick movies I want! I can watch the Notebook for the fourth time with no one rolling their eyes at me! And best of all - I have found ME again. Spending time with yourself is pretty enlightening - especially when the pain has lessened. Sometimes the mourning and healing can be so theraputic for your soul.

I just need some advice...My ex broke up with me two weeks ago. Tomorrow (March 1st) is his B-Day. I have been in NC since the break-up. I feel broken-hearted still since it was his desire to break up. Why do I feel so guilty about not calling him or e-mailing him for his B-Day? We parted somewhat friendly, but lots of tears on my side. Does everyone think I am OK to let the day go by? I guess I am worried about hurting him - but maybe I should be more worried about what it would do to me to contact him - set me back two weeks of hard work!! I just need someone to agree!!! LOL Thanks!!!!

Wouldn't it be great if you could find someone else to fix it and then if your ex does contact you back you can have the pleasure of telling him thanks but no thanks??!! I think he might be reaching out with his little e-mails updating you in his life because he may miss you and want to have a friendship, but the tone of your e-mail suggests that you are not quite ready to be just friends with him. So try to stay away and not get involved with him again. It will feel like a set back in all the progress you have made so far!! Stay strong!! Good Luck!!

Sometimes the attraction wears off and the things you once found attractive about a person make you wonder - how did I EVER find that attractive?? I wonder if you might have settled into a friendship. Or...have you considered the idea that maybe he is having trouble becoming aroused? It happens to a lot of men for many reasons. Just something to chew on!

You are being so smart to not grab at those "scraps". Maybe she is just feeling a little guilty. I had a break-up a while back where I was the one who initiated the end, and when I did e-mail him for the first time after it happened, I felt bad not signing it love. It felt cruel and final to me. I was being selfish though, because it was over. Maybe she is struggling with it a little bit too - but even if she is - until she somes to you directly and says she wants to reconcile, I would just continue to do what you are doing! Good Luck! It will get better!!!

To answer your question, I think you do NC with him until you actually do want to be JUST FRIENDS. With no hopes or ideas of getting back together. Then you can be friends. But only then. And you may find that after a while, you don't even want to anymore. It is amazing what NC can do for you! Good Luck!

I know it must be so hard. ((hugs)) I really, really believe you should give her some space. Some REAL space. Listen to what bethany said and give her one night a week to call you if there is a question about bills or the kids. I know from experience that it will hurt like hell to not be in contact with her. I know how it feels to think that she doesn't understand what's really in your heart. Give yourself some time. Give yourself a break. You seem so down on yourself, but a relationship is a two-way street my friend. You didn't get to rutsville all by yourself! Keep on making all of those wonderful personal improvements you have been working on. And I am begging you to do NC exceot for the one night a week allowed. Block her from your e-mail and text - that way you won't have to torture yourself by checking it 100 times a day (again - I know this from experience). And if you give her some space and continue on improving you, one of two things will happen. You will either A) Win her back after showing her how attractive you are inside and all of the accomplishments you have made on the outside. Or you will B) Meet a wonderful new woman with whom you have a clean slate with who will love you for who you are - not who she wants you to be. I wish you the best luck. I have been there, and still kind of am, but it does get better. I promise!!

Did she marry you very young? Did she ever get a chance to say "sow her wild oats?" Maybe she's going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. I think if she would see a counselor with you, it might help get to the bottom of her restlessness. Good Luck!

Hi everyone. I need some advice – or maybe a course of action as to what to think and what to do. I have been dating this guy on and off for 2 years. He was acting like a total * * * * * * * for the month of December because his business was going down the tubes and his financial problems were weighing on him. I was understanding, and I allowed a certain amount (small amount) of rudeness, gruffness and emotional abuse because I knew what an awful situation he was in. It was difficult for me to allow him to be mean to me, because I will admit, I am needy and insecure and usually need reassurance that all is well frequently. Fast forward to New Year's Eve. Long story short, we broke up because he was disregarding any emotional needs I had for months. I was fine to be there for him during his difficult time, but he just had nothing left for me. I actually told him on New Year's Day that I wanted to be just friends, that I was so unhappy with the way our situation was. (New Year's Eve was a flop – he went to sleep at 10pm after we planned a romantic evening – and that was after an awful Dec.) And he agreed. Then I panicked and missed him desperately and asked him if we could try to work things out a few days later. That I still loved him. We didn't get back together, he didn't want to, but we have stayed friends since then. It was against everything in my best interest to stay friends with him because I am not wired that way. It takes me a long time to get over people. So anyway, things have been going well and he tells me that he thinks he could work his way back to a relationship with me. So that's great. We talked every single day, and even did things and made plans like couples do. In short, we did everything exactly the same except we didn't have sex. I've been patient and understanding. But then the other night we were on the phone and I found out that he gave his e-mail address out to yet ANOTHER woman. He goes onto Yahoo games and link removed and plays games on his computer. He even had me join, but I have no real interest. Anyway, you can talk in a chat room while you play, and he sometimes exchanges e-mail addresses with some of the people he meets in there. He has 10 women and 1 guy he talks to now. I get so upset and hurt that he does this. To me it's like the equivalent of picking someone up and getting their phone number – except it's in cyber land. Am I right to be bothered by this? So I lost my temper over it the other night. I was so tired of it and had enough. I feel like he is dangling this stupid carrot in front of my nose and in the meantime, our not being together gives him license to do whatever he wants. So we argued about it and he told me that I was emotionally unstable, blah, blah, blah. Then he tells me how he planned this wonderful Valentine's Day for us (kind of like a let's get back together thing) but now I can "forget it". But only a few sentences before that he defended himself to me saying that he has never led me on to think we were going to get back together. What the hell is this guy's deal???? So last night on the phone he told me he didn't even want to try anymore, that's it's over. So I said the only thing I could say, which was: if that was the way he wanted it, then there is nothing else to say. I wished him luck in his life and I apologized for my mistakes in the relationship. He didn't apologize for his. He wanted to keep me on the phone listing all of the reasons why he didn't want to get back together. I cut him off by telling him that he had said all he needed to say to me. I understand what he said, and I accept it. He sounded hesitant to get off the phone and asked again if we could be friends. I told him that we couldn't, and that I should have never tried to be just friends with him like I have since New Year's. I told him that if he no longer loves me or wants me, it is unfair of him to try to keep me around. He then tried to go into why things weren't going to work out again – defending himself – when I really didn't want him to. I guess to wrap this long story up, why do I feel so conflicted? A huge part of me wants to call him up and tell him OK – that we can be just friends. But I don't really mean it! I am going to do no contact with him. But the problem is with him it works. He ends up missing me and calls me so we can argue some more. How can I convince myself to really let him go? How can I not fall into the comfortable zone with him again? And to top it all off – I had promised to lend him $2,000 and said I still would – for him to just let me know when he needs it. I feel so stupid for that promise. I hope he'll pay me back, but who knows? But he needs it to move. I don't want to punish him by not keeping a promise I made to him months ago. I keep thinking that he doesn't REALLY want to not see me anymore, that he is just trying to push my buttons for me to beg him again. Am I just fooling myself? I feel so confused. Does anyone have some objective advice? Thanks!!!!!!!!

If you go back into NC - he might actually see what he is missing. You have nothing to be ashamed about, he was the one who made it cheap. It didn't have to mean that you were getting back together, but he also didn't need to make you feel like a one night stand. I think if you stay in contact with him, that is exactly what WILL show him that you DO care. Stay out of contact. Do good things for yourself. Take yoga classes, get a manicure, a massage, buy a self-help book on break-ups, anything you can think of to take your own power back and start feeling better about yourself. Pretty soon you really won't care and he will see that he hasn't gotten the best of you. If you confront him and complain to him about how he acted and handled the situation, he will indeed see that he did get the best of you. Good Luck - it's hard, but everyday you get through with no contact makes the next day easier.

Now that's a nice few positive things from you - hold on to that. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Stay hopeful...

Thanks all, you guys are right. Three days of NC is nothing.......I think he just feels lonely and is calling because it is a huge adjustment for both of us. I do agree that NC is a way to remove yourself from a bad situation and heal, not a way to instill longing in the one you love. I need to do what's right for me....thanks so much for the support though!

Listen dude - I lost two jobs in two years, lost my condo, am absolutely DROWNING in financial debt, just got dumped by my boyfriend of a year and a 1/2 and live at home with my parents at 34 years old and can't find a job to save my life....but guess what? It all builds character. I am not sitting here wanting to die because of it all because if I do know one thing, it's that nothing ever stays the same, even the bad stuff. I know that in one year's time when I am doing much better and I look back, I will be so proud of myself for pulling myself out of this mess instead of disappearing into it. None of these problems will be here for you forever. You have to start to have faith.

Hi Everyone, I need some help and opinions on this one. My boyfriend of a year and a 1/2 dumped me about 2 weeks ago. Long story short - I was treating him poorly, and I deserved to be dumped. I took him for granted. I spent about 10 days after he dumped me crying and calling him asking to get back together. He didn't want to. But said he wanted to stay friends to see if our relationship could grow back into love. I said that if we couldn't be together, that I needed no contact - that was the only way I know to get over things and heal. He said that "how can we grow closer and possibly make it work again if I'm not around you to see any changes you have made in yourself?" which yes - I do need to work on a few things, and I fully intend to - but it hurts too much to be friends!!! So I did NC for three days, and after the third day, he called me 3 times and e-mailed me twice. For stupid reasons....The Patriots football game, etc. So I felt weak and went to his house, and before we knew it, we went to lunch (he insisted on paying) and then we shot a few games of pool and had a few beers. Then we went back to his house and watched a movie snuggled up on the sofa together. I was doing more of the cuddling - but he didn't really seem to resist or feel uncomfortable. He still clearly doesn't want to be with me right now, I could tell by his physical reactions - I think he just misses me. I love him very much and I am very willing to work on everything, if he'll ever have me back. But here's my question: I e-mailed him this morning instituting NC again. I was very nice in the e-mail and said that I want him to understand that I am not trying to make things more difficult between us, I just need time to heal. Did I do the right thing? I feel selfish - I think I did the right thing for me, but not for him....he misses me, but he is the one who broke-up with me! I actually feel a little angry because if he doesn't want me anymore, then why call me at all?? ](*,) Isn't this what he wanted? Any perspective would be greatly appreciated!!! Thanks!

I know it would bother me. Staying in touch a few times a year for holidays and such is OK - but do you really need these old loves in your life if they're going to complicate things?

I had a boyfriend for approx 1 1/2 years. We broke-up recently for many reasons - mostly, we were treating each other badly, but something has been on my mind and bothering me. I need to get opinions on my reaction to his use of chat rooms. He would get into these chat rooms and says he only would speak to women because if you are a guy and approach another guy, the chances are, the guy will think you are gay. OK - so he's a homophobe I guess. But he also went into a room and got into a discussion about whether or not large breats sag. And I guess the woman he was talking to wanted to prove that hers hadn't, sent him a pic of hers in the flesh. Which I found a few days later on his computer - by total accident. We don't live together, and it seems like whenever I would call, he'd be on-line "talking". I guess what my question is, am I overreacting? He seems closer to the women he talks to on-line than he did to me when we were together. I was just wondering if this is the norm in relationships today, will I have to expect this of every guy from now on???? Confused

I use NC when I am trying to get over someone, but he sounds like he does want t be a part of your life, so I would just send him that quick little note you mentioned, but I wouldn't overwhelm him with contact. Since he is so busy and sick, he will appreciate the space! Good Luck!

I am in agreement - another vote for no response. Take the high road. With friends like that - who needs enemies!! She doesn't deserve your response!

Oh Sweetie, you are doing nothing wrong. She sounds like she is an unhappy girl, and very unhappy herself. The very best thing you can do is just break it off with her. I guarantee she will be very angry and say mean things to you when you do, and when she sees that won't work, she'll try to be as nice as pie to get you back. Do not be fooled. It will only go back to being just as bad as it is now. If you weren't unhappy, you would have never written us for advice. In time, you need to move on and find someone who is truly worthy of your love. Best Of Luck - I know it's hard, I have been there!

I know - I got dumped by my boyfriend on New Year's. I made a fool of myself and called him crying everynight since then - last night being the very first night I didn't. If the phone only rang once and you hung up, the chances are really good that it didn't have time to register on her caller ID yet. And even if it did - just keep doing what you're doing. Be honest if she questions you about it. But you are on the right track!