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dishrag

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About dishrag

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  • Birthday 04/15/1974
  1. Thank you all for reminding me of things I need to remind myself. I'm grateful. I started taking the steps toward healing my broken heart, today. All I can hope for is that over time, the pain will pass and I will be able to reflect on the memories of the best times in my life. It's hard to forget about the life we were going to have, and learn to accept these very scary unknowns. But, as much as I want to hold onto what could have been, I have to accept the life I have now. I hope she finds happiness on the path that she has chosen.
  2. She stated she had unmet needs but was afraid to address them. This is common for fearful/avoidant attachment, which is what she is. If she had asked, she never would have told her self she was unloved and unwanted. She presents cluster B disorder traits. Impulsiveness is one of them. That's likely why she did what she did.
  3. I saw a mutual friend share something today, called, Dear Future Boyfriend. It looked like a great way to get feelings out there. I wouldn't share this with a future girlfriend, but it helps to get my feelings on paper. It looks back over the past few weeks. I don't, I won't blame myself for this. I'm better than this. Dear future girlfriend: If you have needs, share them, don't hide them, because I'll put a 100% effort into helping meet them. If you open your heart and be vulnerable with me, I'll be vulnerable right back because emotional connection is my #1 personality need.
  4. Thank you for understanding and for your compassion for me. I'm working on not blaming myself. It's hard but I'm working on it.
  5. Thank you. I've got a great support group of friends constantly reminding me that I need to stay strong with this one. It's too easy to fall back.
  6. The guy she cheated on me with is a YouTuber like me. We know each other. We've collaborated together. That's what makes this even worse in my mind. It wasn't all the time I spent recording, editing, interacting because if it was, she wouldn't go be with him.
  7. She used a name of a person from the horse farm when I asked her. I met this girl at the horse farm, but was still suspicious. She told me when she spent the weekend with this girl, the girl suggested she try scallops for the first time. I said I'd be interested in making them at home, and what restaurant she got them from because I'd love to look up their menu to see how they are prepared. She said "it was takeout and I don't remember." So, I asked her to message the girl and find out what restaurant. Never happened, because this was a lie. I'm glad that she told me, directly, be
  8. Update: She had an affair. She lied and gaslighted me for a month after the affair. I found out because I received a private message via social media from the guy's girlfriend stating that he confessed to her about what happened. She went on a trip, got intimate with the guy, then spent every weekend seeing the guy while telling me nothing happened and she was spending the weekend at friend's houses. The guy was a friend of mine who lives 5 states away and would drive to my state every weekend to see her. My girlfriend came to the house 30 minutes after I received the private messag
  9. You understand. And, I had considered codependency but I'm missing most of the indicators and this was the only time that someone who was struggling came to me for help and I convinced them to get to a therapist / psychiatrist so they could better take care of themselves. It will be something I discuss with my therapist. I have an appointment in two days. Regardless of what happens with her or the relationship, I do want to work on me and not continue the cycle where I'm looking to them for validation. That's a big problem of mine I've put off for a long time.
  10. We had a calm day so I sat down with her and asked her to be brutally honest with me. I said, if there's anything, anything at all that you can say to me, please do. Because it sounds like this isn't going to work out and I need to know what's going on if we are going to put an end to it. Here's what she said: I haven't been happy for two years. I feel like I have anxiety and I'm dealing with it but you also have issues and you're acting like you're immune to them. You lost your brother to suicide, you lost your mother to suicide and your dad didn't treat you well. So I think you ne
  11. No. But, I'm not going to stew over what's happening and get into another emotional conversation that just results in more pain. Last week, I asked if she would be open to couples therapy and she said yes, but only if she likes the therapist. If that's what she truly wants, then I'll be happy to get into the emotional conversations in that space.
  12. She came home after 51 hours. She said she stayed with a horse friend and spent time at the farm. I didn't start an argument or ask any questions. There's really no point. I'm staying as NC as possible until I feel ready to take this on. She can stay in the other room and continue to pay rent. I'm taking care of me from here on out.
  13. There's an age gap but I didn't want to bring that into the discussion because many folks may jump to conclusions. I put people before things. I honestly believe that if there's an opportunity to spend more time with the one I love rather than with a thing, I'll choose the person every time. Also, I sort of started spending more time on the YouTube thing because she was at the farm so many hours per week. At this point, I'd be ecstatic to be invited to come to the farm. There's no half way right now. She said she needs time to process her emotions. So, I'm giv
  14. No. I've been 100% true to her and not even interested in talking with other women. If anyone was to try to start flirting with me, I'd blow them off. I don't want that kind of drama in my life. Heck, we can be out in public and I can see a pretty girl but I just notice and move on. It's not even a distraction. She's free to go through my phone if she wants to. I truly have nothing to hide, to be honest. It's not logical to me, at this point, what's really going on. I knew her before she started medication, so I know what it's like when she's not medicated for anxiety / pan
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