phillygal

Thank u all for your responses, this situation was really bothering me. Everything you guys say makes sense and as for me wanting to be with him, i don't know anymore. I know i like him, but i also know how jealous and insecure he is, plus i don't think he'll ever trust me. He was constantly accusing me of doing things with other men, even though i told him he was the only guy i was talking too. I mean i can't help it if i have male friends. I kinda hope he'll call one day and we can try again, but i feel like it's too early for us to be having these problems and we haven't even been intimate yet, although we came close. I guess i'll follow hazy_amber's advice and just ride it out. I refuse to beg and plead for him to talk to me. He know's i care about him and when or if he ever wants to talk, he can call me because i will not be calling him again.

Thanks for your responses, Caterina and Annie24. Annie, he made that comment to make me mad. He said he was going to watch a movie at a female friend's house, but i remember him telling me he didn't even have any female friends. I honestly think he's just trying to get back at me for everything i might've done. I feel in a way i do deserve it, but i wish he would just cut off all contact with me, rather than still send me emails. I'm trying to appear calm and not get mad at him, cause i know this will push him away even further. I just can't figure out what he's trying to do. I had asked him on Tuesday if everything was ok to which he responded yes. If he doesn't want to tell me what's wrong, there's nothing i can do about it. I really do miss him, but i also realise i'm largely to blame for this situation, oh well

I have been dating this guy for about 2 months. When i first met him, i wasn't sure if i was attracted to him, but we had quite alot of things in common, so i figured i would see where things would go. He on the other hand, was really into me and was always suggesting for us to hang out, or he would always tell me how beautiful i was. He was very affectionate towards me, which made me uncomfortable at times, because i just felt like everything was moving too fast. Because i wasn't sure if i was really into him, i didn't care much about his feelings and i would make him jealous on purpose. I would say things like, i'm hanging out with my male friend tonight, etc..... He would get very jealous and upset, which i found kind of amusing, because i wasn't even his girlfriend. We argued alot as well, because he always felt like i was disrespecting him or being hurtful. Anyway's a few weeks went by and i started slowly developing feeling for him, but by that time i guess he was getting fed up with me. I told him i was sorry if i had ever hurt him or disrespected him. That i wanted us to start over and forget about the past month. He agreed to it, so i thought everything was fine. But this past weekend, he didn't call me at all and i didn't call him because i figured he would call plus he had went out of town. I didn't think too much of it, i figured he was having fun. But on Monday i called him and he didn't answer his phone so i text messaged him for him to call me back. He never did. That was unusual cause we talked practically every day. On Tuesday, i called him at work to ask him what was going on, he said everything was fine. I told him i missed him as i hadn't seen him in almost 5 days, he said he missed me too. So i asked if i could come over after work, he said no because he was going to watch a movie at a girl's house. He knew i would get upset by him saying that, he then said he had to get back to work and he would call me later. It is now Friday and he hasn't called me. I would've assumed he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, but he emails me at work everyday. He'll talk about random things, trying to get me engaged in a conversation, but i always answer back with short answers. He's acting like nothing is wrong, and it hurts that he's doing that. If he can't be bothered to call me, why is he emailing me? I feel like he's playing games or is trying to punish me or maybe he's trying to go the friend's route. I just wish i knew what he was thinking. I want to ask him in an email what is going on, but i know he'll say everything is fine, which it clearly isn't. What does all this mean and if he doesn't want to call me or talk to me again, then why does he email me everyday?

It sound's like he is playing games. He acted upset when you didn't call him in the past consistently, but now you are calling him constantly and he's not returning your calls. You've apologised for anything u might have done to him, what more does he want? The sad thing is that he is 40. If he has a problem with you, he should be man enough to tell you, instead of acting so childish. I mean you guys were intimate and you've known him for a year. You definitely just need to forget about him and stop putting so much energy into this loser. Trust me, out of the blue he'll call you, and of course he'll act like nothing ever happenend. So pathetic.

CrossCheck75, I think she really care's about you and like some ppl have said, drinking enables her to lower her inhibitions. I can relate to this because i'm exactly the same way. I've never been a very affectionate person and although i might have strong feelings for a man i have a hard time really showing this. However, when i drink, i don't have the time to think of what i'm doing, I just do whatever i want to do without the worry of seeming overly vulnerable or clingy. So, i think you should really look at this objectively. Is this how she was from the start or did she gradually become more distant? Is this something you can live with or will this eventually eat at you?

Beaker, sorry to hear about what you're going through. You just have to understand that it's normal to have those relapses. I went through something similar and even though it's been a year since i've been broken up with my cheating ex, i still have those occasional days where i miss him and get kind of depressed. We have those relapses because we loved them. It's hard to erase that love you had for that person no matter how much they hurt you. Just try not to focus on the happy times you had with him, but instead focus on the pain and hurt he caused you and be glad you're not with him anymore. I'm here for you whenever

No, i don't think it's ok. My ex cheated on me and i forgave him and tried to get over it, but the trust was gone between us. I always questioned whether he was lying when he said he was going somewhere or who he would be with. He in turn didn't trust me because he thought i would cheat on him to get back at him for what he did. Basically, it became a very unhealthy relationship, we would fight and argue all the time. Where i once trusted him unconditionally, now was replaced by suspicion, anger and sadness. Trust me it's not worth putting yourself through that.

No offense to "searching1951", but i think you still have a long way to go. I don't even know the whole story, but by reading your post i can sense the rage and anger you still harbor towards this woman. You have every right to be angry, but don't lie to yourself that you are over her or close to getting there. Confront your emotions, cry if need be. That is the most natural thing you can do to really heal. Denial, comfort food and alcohol are only temporary fixes. Good luck!

So sorry you feel this way. Please do not think of yourself as weak or a coward. I've been there as well. I'm not sure how old you are, but if you're in your mid-twenties that might explain some of your feelings of hopelessness. It's hard being in your twenties especially mid-twenties because you're done with college and you're faced with all these responsibilites you never had before. Basically you're forced to "grow up" and you're trying to find who you are as a woman or man. Just know many people feel the way you feel, i think the counseling will help you alot. You'll be able to truthfully voice all your concerns, sadness and anxieties to an unbiased person who should be able to help you. In the meantime, feel free to pm me for any reason.

thegoodgirl04, please don't start playing the blame game or the "what if" game. You did not make him do anything! I'm so tired of us always trying to see what we could've done differently to stop someone from cheating,etc.. Believe me, if he felt so much pressure to live up to your standards, he would have told you and left it at that, i don't get what cheating on you would accomplish. Do you really think another person can drive someone to cheat, drink, take drugs, etc... I don't think so, everyone makes a choice and he clearly made the wrong one. He was no good for you. Do not blame yourself for his weakness.

lvlyldy, to be honest with you, you are going to feel unhappy for awhile. Your heart is broken and it will take some time to mend, please let yourself feel the pain, hurt and sadness. Cry if you feel the need to. You need to get it all out and you will recover faster by doing that. It made me sad to read your post because i went through something very similar a few years ago. I know how much it hurts to want to make a relationship work, but the other person not wanting to. Especially when you viewed this person as a best friend as well as your boyfriend. You feel like you're losing so much more than just a boyfriend, in a way you're losing a friend as well. One thing i've realised is that when men have problems, they tend to not really want to talk about it until after the problem is resolved or until they've come up with ways that might deal with the problem, women seem to go to their friends, family or boyfriend/husband to get help in dealing with the problem. I'm not sure why, it's just what i've noticed. So, what i'm trying to say is that i think your ex just needs some space right now. Its hard for him to be emotionally there for you, when he's dealing with his own issues. Honestly, even though you don't want to hear it, the only remedy to your situation is time. IMO, either your ex will work through his issues and will want to get back together and your relationship will be stronger for that, (if you decide to take him back), or you guys will not talk for a long time, because you're feelings for him are still strong and it'll be difficult to do the "just friends" thing with him. Whatever happens i wish you luck and if you just need someone to vent to, please feel free to pm me.

Hey Kaycee, you definitely did not exaggerate about this being a long story But to answer your question, you are definitely not a fool, you are just a woman in love. I think some people have this notion of love being easy,happy and wonderful and in many ways it is, but love can also be painful at times and unfortunately when you really love someone it is impossible to control those feelings, no matter how much you try to. You can't help it if at one time, this man was in love with you and then without any real apparent reason became hostile and distant. It hurts so bad when you've done everything you can to show how much you love someone and then not receive the same in return. But one thing you have to understand is that no matter how much you love him and how much you try to show it, if he does not love himself or if he is plagued by insecurities about his past the relationship will not work. Do you really want a man that can so easily be swayed by what other people tell him about you? Will you ever feel safe in being with him again? I think the answer is no. I think it would be easier for you if you completely cut of contact with him. I can't imagine loving someone but only having a friendship with them can be easy for you. But believe me, i understand how you feel, i think most women at some point in time have loved the wrong man. It doesn't make us stupid or dumb for it, but i think it should make us more selective on who we choose to give our hearts to in the future, and although now you may not see it, there is a man out there, that can give you real committment and love. You definitely deserve better.

I went through a similar situation, my ex completely cut me out of his life, to the point where he changed his cellphone number. I was so hurt, because i was like, did i ever matter to him for him to be able to do that. It took me 6 months to get to the point of not crying over him anymore, and we've been broken up for a year and a half. Unfortunately, i still think of him sometimes, but i don't cry over it, i just feel sad sometimes and i still wonder why he has never picked up the phone just to see how i'm doing. Good luck with your healing and feel free to pm me for support.

Mystik- you need to let it out. All that pain and emotion you feel from the break-up, just let it go. Cry for as long as you need to, don't feel ashamed about it. There is no set time for how long you should take to get over someone. I think part of the problem is that you're trying to hold back on your feelings. These 30 second spurts of crying, and then you stopping is not good for you. Let yourself think of all the good times and bad times you had with him and just have a good cry. I think you'll feel better and i think exercising will help as well. Sorry for what you're going through.

PocoDiablo, i actually agree with alot of the things you said. I think many women are attracted to that kind of a man, especially those that have low self-esteem. Now i'm not saying anyone wants to be beaten intentionally, but i think if a woman feels bad about herself and she doesn't value herself, then she almost thinks she deserves it. She feels like this is the best she can do and that no other man would want her. The abusive boyfriend or husband has in a way brainwashed her to the point where she has no value for herself. Many women do like the unpredictable kind of man, the one who you never know what he's going to say or do next, basically a "bad boy". But there is a difference between a bad boy and a man that physically and mentally abuses a woman. The bad boy is not dangerous while the latter is extremely dangerous. The big problem with situations like this is that when a woman finally gets to the point where she can't take this sort of abuse anymore and she tries to leave, the man might try to really hurt her or even kill her. He has become so accustomed to having complete control over her and he almost see's her as his property, that just the thought of her leaving him makes him irate. That's why you have to proceed with extreme caution and i would agree that the best way to handle it is by cutting down contact to a minimum and not still having conversations or listening to what he has to say. Amber Fire-You already know he will ask for you to come back and your refusal will just make him angrier. Tell him firmly that it's over and you don't want to have any kind of contact with him. Do not say you still love him and that maybe if he changes in the future you'll come back. He will never change ! Also, for the next few months try to surround yourself with as many friends and family as possible. The chances of him attempting to hurt you will be lessened by that and you will need the emotional support from them as well. As to you saying you still love him, you need to choose what is more important to you. Your life or his life. As harsh as it may sound, that is what it comes down to. If you want to live then you have to get him out of your life as soon as possible, otherwise you can only expect the worse. Good luck and i will pray for you.