Amber Fire

I can't offer you any advice because I'm going through the same thing right now. I got out of an abusive relationship about 6 months ago. I took all the advice people gave me (get up, get out, do new things, etc.) I pulled myself together and moved on. I kept myself busy by starting my own company. I meet people all the time, but I never get asked out on dates - I smile, I flirt...and I get nothing. Now I'm successful, but lonlier than ever. I, too, think I will never meet a companion, and lately it's been eating away at me. I was actually crying about this earlier this evening, so when I read your post, I felt compelled to reply to let you know you aren't alone feeling this way. I feel your pain.

I was in an abusive relationship which I got out of around April. Here's a link to the thread if you want the background info: Anyways, since then, I pulled myself together...sort of. I started my own company, and am running it successfully. I should be happy, right? My ex stopped stalking me around July, but he did call about two weeks ago to ask me how I was doing. I told him I was fine, and hung up. Now I feel...empty? I'm not sure how to describe it. All the things I'm doing now are things I told my ex I was planning to do while we were still together, but he was too busy putting me down and telling me I was worthless to believe in me. When he called this last time, I didn't tell him all the stuff that I've accomplished, and now I regret it. I want him to know that he was wrong about me, and I am stronger than he thought. I want him to know that after I left him I turned my whole life around for the better. Except for one thing... All the plans I carried out...I never thought I'd be alone. Even after I broke up with him, I was sure with all the positive changes I had made that I would have no problem finding a mate. Wrong. I have taken so much advice, and all for nothing. For a while I was dating a few guys, but that eventually dwindled down to just one guy; and this guy does not want a girlfriend and/or a relationship - even though we act so much like a couple that people think we are. I bet I've heard him say over 100 times to various people, "She's not my girlfriend!" I'm so lonely. I cry every night. I feel unwanted and unloved all the time. I feel like no matter what I do or how well I do, no one will ever love me because there must be something inherently unloveable about me. H3ll, I already have feelings for a guy who doesn't even want to be my boyfriend! I'm not an unattractive woman, but I am starting to feel desperate - and we all know that if that happens, I'll be doomed for sure. I just don't know what to do. I don't have time right now to go talk to a psychiatrist or anybody, but I need to fill this emptiness I feel inside. I don't *need* a man, but I *want* a partner to share things with. I'm even resentful that, although I'm doing better than my ex in many ways, I'm really not because at least he found some great girl who is head-over-heels in love with him. I feel rejected on so many levels.

So what are you saying? Women without big butts will lack attention from men? NOT! Two words: Grow up.

Just a little update on my situation. I didn't get a restraining order, but at this point, I don't think I need one. My ex is still calling my cell phone everyday, though. Sometimes he'll leave a message, but nothing threatening...more like he's trying to get me to respond. He has said things like, "You must have had a boyfriend this whole time, and that's why it's so easy for you to get over me now." and, "They (my friends) must have turned you completely against me." He still doesn't see that it was his own behaviour that let me know I had to leave. Anyway, I haven't seen or talked to him. The last time he called my cell phone was about an hour and a half ago. I don't even think he realizes (or is willing to admit to himself) that it's really over yet.

He called my cell tonight, but I didn't answer. He left a message that went something along the lines of, "I guess we're enemies now, huh? Alright. I don't get it...but ok." I'm suppossed to go back to work in about 13 hours, but I don't want to. Even though my bruises are healing, I still feel sick. I can't keep food down, I can't sleep, and I'm so distraught. I feel like I'm going through some weird kind of post-tramatic stress disorder or something. I feel like I'm about to throw up again. I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid to call some stranger at a hotline...

I also wanted to add something else. This man thinks he is the sh**. I don't think he will call or bother me unless he's bored or drunk one night, as he will be too busy trying to manipulate and control the other women that he has apparently been seeing. In fact, he probably thinks if he sits back and waits, I'll come to him. Don't worry. I won't.

I didn't get a TPO because I found out that he either had to be arrested first or I had to file charges. I don't want to leave the house right now, much less go to court.

Thanks, everyone. I was really starting to wonder if it was somehow my fault, but I couldn't rationalize it; it's not like the guy came with a warning label from the start. My friend has been there to listen when I needed to talk, but knowing that she feels this is my fault, I kinda feel betrayed by her, too. She must have felt this way all along. I'm not playing the helpless victim here. I walked away from my abuser, even though it's hurting my heart. I turned to my friend for support to stay strong, and I feel like she (figuratively) slapped me in my face. I feel guilty because she has listened to me while I've been going through this, but maybe she just wanted to hear the drama. Right now, she doesn't feel like a friend anymore. I may have to distance myself from her, and that makes me even sadder on many levels.

Thank you for caring and sharing your story with me, Maianne. It reinforces that I can get through this. I didn't metion this in my first post, but the last couple of months my ex started telling me not to wear certain clothes to work. He never hit me for wearing certain things, but he did try to "forbid" me. It's eerie how these abusers have so many common tactics.

Ok, I need some honest answers here because now I'm really confused. I was talking to a female friend of mine, and I told her I broke things completely off with my boyfriend. I also confessed to her that, even with a restraining order, I don't feel safe. I told her that if he wanted something done, he'd probably have someone else do it, and have a really good alibi. She told me that, even though I broke up with him, if something were to happen to me now, it would be my fault. She said I should have seen this coming before I ever got involved with him. Well, before I got involved with him, there was no indication that he'd act this way. As for the last year and a half, yes, I saw signs of things that scared me - but I'm out now! So my question is, if I do end up killed/hurt/maimed, was this all my fault for getting involved with him and not seeing some of the signs in the first place?

He just called me and told me he felt so bad that he wanted to drive his car into a tree, and he asked me if he did, would I come to his funeral. I told him no. Go ahead. Kill yourself. You have enough b*****s that will show up at your funeral anyway, and I won't be one of them - because I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I don't care how mean that sounds.

I know I did the right thing by ending the relationship, but now I feel...like something died. I'm filled with sadness and regret, and I'm sorta lost about why I'm having these these feelings.

Thank you, Miss M, and to everyone who gave me advice. I don't think I could have gone through with actually leaving him without the help of this site. Also, the links provided in this thread and others helped a lot.

He called me today. He talked to me very condescendingly. he told me to have a nice day. I told him to have a nice life, and hung up. He called back and asked me what I meant, and I told him it meant have a nice life WITHOUT me. He accused me of leaving him because I was cheating on him (I'm not). I told him I was leaving because he almost killed me, and I don't like or want to be abused. He asked if he had any clothes at my house. I told him 1 shirt, 1 pair of pants, 1 pair of underwear, and 1 pair of socks. That's it. He said he would call me and let me know when he could come get his things. I told him I though it was best if I dropped his things off at his mom's house or something, but he wanted none of that. He told me I could put his stuff on my porch and he'd come get it, but for some reason, I am suspicious of why he doesn't want me to drop it off somewhere. H***, I'd even be willing to box it up and mail it to him. I don't know how I feel right now. I think I'm in shock.

I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 years. I never thought that he would beat me, lie to me and cheat on me the way he has in the past year and a half. At first I thought it was my own insecurities about his infidelity that were causing problems. As it turned out, I was right - not crazy or just insecure; he was, in fact, cheating on me. When I confronted him with evidence, he became physically violent and told me that's what I deserved for being so weak. He blamed it all on me, so I tried to work things out with him, and did everything I could to be what he said he needed/wanted. I thought we were making some progress, until a few days ago. I agreed to go out with him, and without going into too many details, he attacked me (without provocation), gave me a black eye, beat me, and threw my out of his car. I have missed work now for the last week because of it. I still don't know what brought that on because before he wanted to leave the spot we were at, I hadn't seen him for 2 hours. In fact, I was having the time of my life (he may have seen how much fun I was having before he approached me, and that may have angered him... or maybe he got in a fight with someone on the phone before he met back up with me) ...those are the only 2 things I can figure that make any sense of his behaviour. My problem is, I know this is unhealthy, and I know I need to walk away. The next time he might kill me...but why do I still love him, and why am I having a hard time letting him go? My self-esteem may be low, but shouldn't I still be able to let go? I know he has physically and mentally worn me down, but I'm still not stupid...for the most part. Why do I care about such a narcissistic, selfish, arrogant control freak? How did I not see him for what he was, and now that I do, why don't I let him go? How do I turn off my feelings and just let go for my own good? And why can't I seem to be able to do it?