rich46

herewegoagain - it is GREAT to hear you are doing well! I haven't been on this site as much as I used to, which I guess could be seen as a sign that I am getting better. But I still read through the messages and I can relate to the way you are feeling. It is like an air of clarity comes over you, and you suddenly see things how they are. I think you have just passed the denial stage, and now you are ready to move on FOR REAL! Good for you! I have kept busy the last 3 or 4 weeks, and I have decided to go backpacking to New Zealand in February. It was a tough decision as I kept having negative thoughts such as What if she wants me back in a few months and I'm on the other side of the world? etc, but you have the right mindset and we must move on FOR US! Our exes are the fools for letting a good thing go. Maybe one day they'll realise that but guess what...it will be too late!!! Take care and like hockeyboy said, keep rereading your post. You will still have periods when you want her back I think, but that's natural so don't dwell on it. Also, read some of your earlier posts and I bet you read them and think...What the hell was I doing back then? I know I did. I was actually shocked at how far I have come in just 2 or 3 months, and I am proud of myself for being strong...you should be too! Stay positive, Rich

Doesn't matter. We can do bugger all about it, so stop feeling sorry for yourself and thinking your situation is worse than everyone else's! We all feel/have felt exactly the same, and the reason I still post on here is to help others realise that there's no point in wallowing in self pity for the rest of your life. What's done is done. I may feel worse if she had gone to another man straight after the break up, but the end result is the same anyway - our exes don't want to be with us anymore. So if someone doesn't want to be with me, then I don't want to be with them. End of story for me...it just took me a few weeks to realise it. Chin up and start looking FORWARD rather than BACKWARD. Take care and stay strong. Rich

I'll second that.

Forget about her. I don't want my ex to call again as it will set me back for sure. Be strong and move on in your own life without dwelling on someone who can apparently switch her emotions off just like that. What good is dwelling on the fact she hasn't called? She isn't important anymore, YOU are. I'm in a real don't-give-a-(PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR) mood today...and it feels good!!! Take care, Rich

Of course it's true! I never said otherwise! I am being completely honest by saying that I am doing No Contact: 1. to heal (80%), and 2. to make the ex miss me (20%) It's human nature to think that way. My point being, as long as No Contact is done primarily to heal, then I don't see a problem. Rich

I almost agree! Don't put a time limit on things, because you may think that you are healing, but in fact all you will be doing is counting down the days until you initiate contact. I know because I did it myself at first. In my opinion, you need to stop thinking about "bringing her out." If it does happen as a result of complete No Contact, then it will be a bonus. Look at it that way. Rich

Excellent!!!

Well if you were acting all cool, it may have hit him that you were moving on, and he was losing you for good. thereforeeee these compliments were a way of trying to stop you moving on, just in case he realises in the near future that he made a big mistake. Maybe it's subconscious, but a lot of exes try to hold us back, or keep a tiny connection going just in case. It is quite selfish actually, but it works as you have took the time to post about it on here! I'm not blaming you, because I've done it too - it's completely natural unfortunately! We just need to accept that these things don't mean anything, and we have to focus on OUR lives and the future... Good luck, Rich

No it is not a good idea! Why are you worrying about whether being online is breaking NC, when you are thinking about sending her an email??? No Contact means just that. No emails, no jokes, no IMs. Of course, if you want to keep having setbacks then feel free to send the email! Sorry to be harsh, but I really think it is essential if you ever want to heal. Take care, Rich

I guess noone has replied because it is confusing, and you didn't really ask any questions. I can't really explain, because my ex has done pretty much the same. Sometimes you just can't explain. My advice would be to have No Contact with him, and by that I mean no texts, no IMs, nothing. If that means deleting him from your contacts, blocking him, or changing your username - so be it. As it's only been 2 months since the break up, he may still be feeling guilty about hurting you like he did. He probably thinks by complimenting you every so often, it will make you feel better, and thereforeeee it will reduce his guilt. Obviously he is wrong, but it feels right for him to do this. Hope that helps. Some exes are mean to us, and some continue to compliment us. Either way it is confusing, and we will question why they are acting like that. thereforeeee complete NC is essential. Take care, Rich

hockeyboy's right, it will take a long time. It seems like you are waking up every day and thinking "why haven't I healed?" You can't force it. As hard as it is, you need to go with the flow of emotions and don't question why you are feeling like this. We all just have to tough this out. It will get better in time, but 6 or 7 weeks really is nothing after a 4.5 year relationship. Take care, Rich

Hi detox5, You say yourself that it isn't doing you any good by seeing her online, even if you don't IM her. So you answered your own question. If it bothers you, then change your username or delete her from your contacts list. Simple. However, you seem to be doing NC with the primary aim of making her miss you. That isn't healthy IMO. So don't worry about all the technicalities of whether you are breaking NC - it isn't a game with strict rules. You need to do whatever it is to make you move on and heal, and if that means not going online for a while, then so be it. Don't overanalyse things - if you feel uncomfortable doing something, don't do it. Good luck, Rich

SadHatter, I really feel for you - what kind of a person does something like that? You sound like you know what you are doing, and you got some great advice from kutekat100. I was with my ex for 3.5 years too, and after calling her and telling her that I really couldn't be friends anymore...she called me 2 weeks later to ask me about Travel Insurance for her trip to Ireland! Can you believe that? Ask anyone else but me! However, I was calm and friendly and gave her the information that she needed. Then that was it, I continued to move on. I've discovered that exes often do get in contact - but it is to ease their own guilt rather than out of feelings for you. So my advice would be to carry on moving forward in your life - you deserve SO MUCH better. One day I think it will hit her how badly she's treated you, and she'll have to live with that on her conscience for the rest of her life. Good luck, Rich

Hi, Wow, 4 years is a long time. Sorry to hear you feel sad. Haven't you had any contact with her since then? Do you know how to get in touch with her? Maybe you need to do something to get some closure, then you might be able to move on? I'm sure I'll still look back fondly on my ex in 4 years time, especially if I was to find a letter from the past... Rich

Exactly!

She is asking you now because you are her back up, and will continue to be unless you do something about it. Time to stand up for yourself and tell her that you don't want to go. Rich

I would stop putting time limits on No Contact, as you are defeating the object of doing it in the first place! It's unlikely that you'll heal if you are counting down the days until you make a move. You are channelling your thoughts towards her, so when you contact her and things don't go as planned, you'll be knocked back to the beginning. Do No Contact, focus on YOU, and don't look too far ahead... Good luck, Rich

No because they are all con artists!!! image removed

You do make sense because I feel the same! I have passed through the same stages as you, and yes, I feel a little numb now. I no longer cry like a baby, and although I am sad that it didn't work after 3.5 years, I'm letting go and moving forward.

Awwwwwwwww, you had me going then!!! Rich

Would I go? No! It would be pure torture, and it would probably end up with me and the other guy fighting for her attention! It would be a disaster. Good luck if you are strong enough to do it though. Rich

Hi Fill, Reading your posts really does freak me out at times, as it is like reading something that I've wrote. I'm not exaggerating either, I can literally relate to every word you wrote. The fact that you still live near her makes me feel for you even more, as I can only imagine what that must be like. What I will say is...why are your friends telling you about what she is doing? If I were you, I'd casually tell them not to mention her again as it still hurts and you are trying to move on. They should understand... I miss the person that she once was too. When I met her at the start of University, she was so quiet and didn't have any friends at all. In fact, she was on the verge of dropping out as the people who lived with her were ignoring her, and would make fun of her behind her back. Well I saw something in her that I liked and I took a chance, and over the next 3 years we did everything together - not quite 'us against the world' but something along those lines. As you know, the last 6 months of our relationship were tough for me because she had started meeting new friends, and was clubbing a lot with one particular friend. Reading your post reminded me of one occasion where she told me she had been "dirty dancing" in the club with a guy from her work. This obviously pissed me off, but she just laughed it off as this guy was no oil painting and it was plain that he had a crush on my ex. That didn't help though, and I became more and more insecure - but she seemed completely blind to how this may hurt me??? I mean, I was her boyfriend afterall, but living 100 miles away I could do absolutely nothing about it. For sure, she had changed. I'll be honest with you, I think she would have done some of this "freaking" with other guys while she was still going out with you. It is things like this that will have got her thinking, as she will have loved all the attention from other guys. Same with my ex. I was her first boyfriend due to the fact that she was always so quiet (as Iwas but not to the same extent), but all these people suddenly cracking onto her made her wonder what else is out there. Maybe there is something 'better?' Obviously I'm biased and I don't think there is ! Only joking, maybe she will meet someone else who makes her more happy, but then again maybe I will too... One day she will get bored of the whole clubbing scene. I did that before I went to University when I was 17/18 and after a while it lost the excitement. For me anyway. Unfortunately she never had this 'phase' and so she wants to get it out of her system now while she's still young, just like your ex. The sad truth is, we can't do anything about it. All I would say is try not to be angry or bitter at the way she treated you during the last few months of your relationship. There's no point really. I went through that phase a couple of weeks after the break up, and the bad feelings do still come back once in a while. But I feel relieved in a strange way that it is over. I have done a lot of thinking over the past couple of months, and although I get really lonely and miss her like mad at times, I think I would prefer to feel like this than I did during the final stages of our relationship. It used to eat me up inside knowing that she was out clubbing 100 miles away, dancing with other guys, being chatted up etc - while I was at home, alone with my thoughts. If you hadn't broke up with her, you would be in a similar position still and it would be even worse. At least this way, you know that if she ever comes back to you then this phase will be out of her system and you can start afresh. If she doesn't, then you've done the right thing by letting her go her own way. It is one of the hardest things in the world to accept something like this, as we are completely powerless. I'm guessing your ex and mine, well they feel free at last after being in a relationship for so long. How long will this last? I can't say, but I'm not waiting around, and putting myself through the added pain of talking to her, wondering which guy she got off with the previous night... Also, it's natural to feel like you can't chat up/dance/talk to other girls without feeling guilty. As you know, I feel exactly the same. It's just the different mindset of the dumper and dumpee, and the different feelings that have been created. We feel rejected, they feel free. It keeps me going to think that one day these feelings will swap, as I know that I have become stronger recently because of this. She hasn't had to deal with all these feelings, so if/when she ever regrets her decision, I hope that I have moved on and she'll have to live with it for the rest of her life... Take care, Rich

So are you saying that you want to go out and see if there is anything 'better' out there, but you'll consider getting back with your ex if there isn't... I've heard that before! The difference here is that at least you are considerate to your ex's feelings, and you don't want to string him along in the meantime. My ex continued to give me (false) hope during the couple of weeks I tried to be her "best friend," so I would still be there if the something 'better' never showed up. Rich

I called my ex and told her that I really wanted to be friends, but I just couldn't do it as it would hurt so much. I stressed that she should call me if she ever has any regrets, or ever wants to talk about us. This may have no effect whatsoever even if she does ever have regrets, but at least she knows that my door is slightly open. I have felt a lot more contented since I told her this. I doubt that the ex would come back and say things like in the quote above!! But if they really think they've made a big mistake, then it will play on their minds for the rest of their lives if they don't give it one last try. I think I would swallow my pride and call the person I had dumped if I was sure that I had made a big mistake in letting them go. Just my thoughts anyway. Rich

Thanks for replying! Your comments just got me thinking about whether my ex feels the same. Interesting... There's no doubt that a lengthy visit from your ex would make things harder on both of you. When I visited my ex a week after our break up, I blindly hoped that she would see me and she would have changed her mind on "wanting to be free" and "wanting to be single for a while." However I was disappointed to say the least, and that is what caused me to start No Contact. I don't know, but maybe he feels the same way? You say that you love him to death, and as a 'dumpee' myself it is difficult to comprehend why you can't be together if this is the case. Maybe he's still in the denial stage? Will you be speaking to him before he finalises the dates? If not, then I'd call him and be honest about your reasons for not wanting 5 days... I hope everything works out for you. Rich