rich46

For sure, sometimes contact will make you feel better (see my advice: link removed ) That's a whole diferent ball game. Contacting your ex for clarity, closure etc is a good thing and you are right, it may well make you feel better. But I'm talking about initiating contact with the sole aim of trying to win your ex back. That is dangerous, and is why I am not as quick to advise it as some people on here. In some situations, it may be necessary like if you need to show your ex that you have changed etc. But in herewegoagain's case, he has told his ex how he feels, and if there is any contacting to do in the future then I think she should be the one to do it. I agree with your point about each situation being different. That is why whoever reads my advice, or your advice, or myjoy's advice, should take it with a pinch of salt. I just give advice based on my own experiences over the last couple of months. Interesting stuff though... Rich

It's amazing how much we all look up to Myjoy - great story the way. But realize that what works for some people may not work for you, as each situation is unique. To answer your question whether or not executing a strategy is anymore likely to get your ex back than by staying away - What if staying away IS your strategy? You've got limited choices when you want something - you can hope for it to happen, or you can TRY to make things happen. I'm not saying to force things, but you can in most circumstances INFLUENCE them, which puts the odds a little more in your favor. I hear what you're saying, and if staying away is called a strategy, then so be it! I just don't like hearing a lot of people encouraging someone to initiate contact with their ex, as if it is the only way that they are going to get them back. My argument is that while it may put the odds slightly in your favour, it may also do the opposite. But one thing's for sure, initiating contact with your ex will lead to more hurt. I guess the question is, are you prepared to go through this pain (especially if the ex is with another person) to try and win back your ex (even though in my view, it is debatable whether it is a positive move)? I don't think I'll feel like doing that for a long time, if ever. If other people are strong enough to do that, then good luck to them. Rich

Nonsense. How do you know this for sure? Is executing a strategy any more likely to get herewegoagain's ex back than by staying away? Just because myjoy did this does not mean it is the only way. Who is to say whether myjoy's ex would have come back without his so-called strategy. In herewegoagain's case, he has told her how he feels and that should be the end of it. By thinking 'I'm going to initiate contact when the dust settles...' he is not going to get over her and heal. The hope will increase until one day it will all hit him again. If she wants him back when this rebound fails, then she is fully aware that his door has been left open slightly.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a little bit of hope. It's only natural. We all hope that our exes will see sense and come running back to us in time, even if we don't want them back! It is because noone likes the feeling of rejection, and if they ever come back then it will do wonders for our self esteem! I bet that it has happened before, but as long as you keep looking forward and not obsessing about her maybe coming back, then you are on the right track. Afterall, it has only been 4 weeks for you, and 6 weeks for me. But in say, 6 months time, I would like to think that the 50% of me that hopes for a reconciliation will be reduced to about 5% or less!

LostAngel, you now have no choice but to move on and show your ex that you can live without him. Trust me, guys are scared off by this jealous, clingy behaviour. You already know that though, and what's done is done. All you can do now is revert to No Contact for the foreseeable future - this will let him know that you can move on. Obviously this is a setback in terms of trying to get him back, but don't be so hard on yourself. Let him do his own thing, give him PLENTY of time and space to do his own thing. One day this will have faded from his memory and the good times you've had will be more prominent. The key word is 'time.' Doing anything else will just push him further and further away. Give him lots of time, do not contact him for quite a while. Difficult I know, but you literally don't have any other option. Show him that you are able to live life without him, and that you are not the jealous, clingy person he believes you are right now. You must refrain from contacting him though. You got another chance, and you didn't do things right. So what? If he started coming back to you once, who's to say he won't do it again? Be positive and focus on YOU for a while. This will be attractive to him, but it will also make you stronger for any future reconciliation or other relationships. Good luck! Rich 8)

It's always a tough one this isn't it??? I've told my ex that I can't stay friends with her, although I really wish I could. After 3.5 years together, she needs to be alone for a while, to have noone to answer to, etc. She wanted us to remain best friends but she would lead me on by saying "There's always hope" or "I bet we do end up back together." Basically she wants me to wait around until she has finished her clubbing phase, and I think she wants to get off with other guys while she is still young (22). Well I couldn't stay in touch while she did that. By the way, we live about 100 miles apart. A poor reason if you ask me. Do you honestly think there is a chance of you getting back together? Is she stringing you along, keeping you as a back-up in case she doesn't find anything 'better' in the near future? Only you can answer that. It really depends on whether you can handle being just friends with her. I know I couldn't with my ex. How can I be just friends with someone who I feel so strongly about? It would kill me if she met someone else in 6 months and I'd been dragged along during that time. I hope I've helped a little, but only you can decide if you want to just be friends. Be warned though, it could drag on for ages as there would be no incentive for her to get back with you, i.e. having her cake and eating it. Good luck, Rich

If you two have "a really deep bond" then there's no way that he's going to forget about you in a hurry, so don't worry yourself about losing him for good. He is obviously really confused right now, and that is making you even more confused. Since I came on these boards about 6 weeks ago, I have discovered the pattern that exes (deliberately or not, subconsciously or not...I don't know) do leave you hanging on. I understand why they do this, as they don't want to lose you completely just in case nothing 'better ' comes their way. I don't think he is a bad guy judging from what you've said. But the fact is that you have been arguing a lot recently and this has obviously taken it's toll. That is why you both need space to let things settle and let him remember the good times that you guys shared. Let the negative things fade in his memory, and let the positive things come to the forefront. Just give it time, as frustrating as it is, you can't really do anything right now. Just focus on your own life and give him the space he needs to decide what he wants. By calling him every day, or speaking all the time, this may elongate the process. Just my thoughts. Hope things turn out well for you! Rich

I must say that that is great advice dotneter. StrawTink, that is the only way to go about things. My ex ended things with me with similar reasons - doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, still wants me as a best friend etc. I bet she thought that there is no way that I could leave her out of my life, thereforeeee she would have a surefire safety net. Well she underestimated my strength because although I don't have many other people around me right now, I won't be strung along like that. If she ever comes back to me, then I will know that it is because of her choosing to do so. Not because I have made her come back, or used mind games. I'm not prepared to go through all that hurt to make someone realise that they are making a mistake. If she fails to realise this, the it is her loss and I will be well on the road to recovery anyway. Like dotneter said, have some dignity and keep hold of your self respect. It feels good. You must distance yourself from him right away and begin to focus on your own life. Do not obsess about getting him back, as this will cause you more hurt and will probably push him further away in the process. I know what it's like to lose your best friend - that is the hardest part in my view. Just being able to talk to my ex is something I miss so much, but I know it is for the best. Stay strong and good luck, Rich

I really feel for you. I have taken a particular interest in your story because the similarities are endless. I was reading some of your old posts earlier, and I can also relate to the way she went out and flirted with other men towards the end. Same here. My ex didn't seem to realise how difficult it was for me to be sat at home on say a friday night, knowing that she was being chatted up by a load of guys at a club. So in a very strange way, I feel relieved that this has all come out because I probably felt much worse towards the end when she was in this 'in between' phase. i.e. she had me as her boyfriend but she was acting as if she was single. I think your ex is being quite selfish in a way, although it is probably subconscious. She quite naturally doesn't want you to "get over her" as I don't think she is 100% certain that she is doing the right thing. thereforeeee it is natural to keep hold of you in some small way. You are a smart guy though, as you know what you need to do, it's just she is making it very difficult for you. In my situation, I live 100 miles away from my ex so it is easier in a way. However she did call me and then send me a text message a couple of days ago...for a poor reason. The final text message ended with 'xxx' which she never used to do - it always used to be just the one kiss. You see?? It's difficult not to overanalyse the smallest thing that your ex does isn't it?? (see my thread: link removed ) That is why NC is a must. I think she deliberately did that to get me thinking, to hold me back slightly. I know my ex is a sweet, caring girl and by the sounds of it, so is yours. So I am not slagging them off or anything for being selfish, it's just the way it is. 2 weeks ago, after doing 3 weeks of NC, I decided to call her. This was not a breakdown on my part, I just felt I needed to do it to get some closure (I don't like that word but it is true). I told her that I thought about her all the time, and although it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, I said I couldn't be friends with her. We both cried on the phone, and the next 3 or 4 days were like being back at the very beginning. I was like a zombie, moping around and crying nearly all the time. That call did set me back, but I felt like I had to clear the air and let her know how I felt, and the reasons why I couldn't be "best friends." From that call she will know that I am not angry with her, I do understand her need to be young, free and single before it's too late. So maybe you need to do something similar for this closure. It's up to you what you do. But something needs to be done or she will keep contacting you and making you feel guilty for not being "best friends" ??!! Maybe an email telling her how you feel and how you are not angry, you just need some no contact time. Tell her maybe one day you can be friends, but not right now. I also let my ex know that she should contact me if she changed her mind about us, or wanted to talk about us. Now I know that she won't be afraid to contact me if her feelings changed. Sorry if I'm waffling on! I just want you to know that I know what you are going through right now, but you are doing well. You are doing the same things that I did a few weeks ago and I am feeling much better for it. It is still hard, especially today as I know she has gone on a weekend trip to Dublin with her friend - so there will be all the Irish men chatting her up as I type! But I am learning to deal with that - my time will come when I am good and ready. I need a lot of single time right now though. She too was my first date, first love, first everything. I was hers too. Maybe we met too early in life? I don't know. Good luck and keep posting on here, just writing this response has made me feel a little bit better. Take care, Rich

Fill, I think I've said it before but your story is spookily similar to mine!! I was with my ex for 3.5 years, she is 22, needs space, time to be free, I tried for 1 week to be her "best friend" but couldn't do it, 3 weeks of NC before we spoke etc etc. (pretty similar eh?) Anyway I'd just like to say that you are doing great. You are doing all the right things. Although I didn't see my ex after 3 weeks, we spoke on the phone and it did set me back for 2 or 3 days. She said to me "Have you decided whether or not you can be my friend?" to which I nearly broke down crying. It is so so difficult to tell someone you love so much that you can't be their friend. I reall really wanted to but it just is not possible right now. But you are in no way back to square one. It may feel like that but it definitely isn't. Well a further 11 days passed after our phone conversation and she called me again for a stupid reason. But this time I felt a lot stronger and it hardly set me back at all. Make no mistake, this will be extremely tough. But gradually things will get better. Just hang in there and be strong. There is no shame in feeling this way after such a long relationship - it proves that you are a good, caring person. So feel free to PM me anytime. Like I said, our stories are very similar and all I can say is you are doing well by sticking to NC - even if it is the toughest thing you've ever done. Good luck, Rich

Each to their own I suppose, but personally when I feel down I put on some music that is more get-up-and-go than The Cure! I love listening to The Ramones or The Buzzc*cks - it really puts me in a tough, don't give a stuff mood! 8)

1) 3.5 years 2) 6 weeks 3) She wanted "to be free for a while," "time and space, "noone to answer to" etc. 4) I'm 23, she's 22.

Oh there's no question that I've become stronger in the 6 weeks! I was a blubbering fool back then, but not now! I'd be lying if I didn't feel a little satisfaction in knowing that she still needs to depend on me in some way. BUT I don't want this getting out of hand because I don't want to move backwards. She was really panicking about this so I had to help her out, but if she ever calls me about squeezing a pimple or something like that then I will NOT be as understanding!

Wow that really is pathetic! Isn't it strange how the dumpers sometimes struggle to cope with the simplest of things, while us dumpees have no choice but to become stronger and more independent? In the last 6 weeks I have become a lot stronger as I have had no other option. I doubt that my ex has gone through the same pain as me, and I think I'm a stronger person because of it. So maybe there is truth to the old saying that you should be dumped at least once in your life...

That is pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you reply?

Thanks Eve! I'll let her off this time but if she rings again then I will tell her...again! It hasn't upset me though, I was just annoyed for a few minutes afterwards. When she has stopped panicking then she may feel a bit silly - I mean contacting your ex for that reason?! Call anyone other than your ex! Anyway I think I handled it with dignity and wouldn't be drawn into any small talk.

I am annoyed with myself, even though it wasn't my fault! Basically, I have maintained NC for 11 Days but just now she rang me and I stupidly answered! Quick recap: -Met ex at uni -Together 3.5 years -Lived 100 miles apart for last year after uni finished. -She became distant over recent months and eventually said she needed "to be single for a while" and "to not have anyone to answer to." -She wanted us to remain "best friends" which I tried for 1 week but couldn't do it. -Told her I'd call her when I had things sorted out in my mind. -After 3 weeks of NC I called her and said I really really want to be friends but I can't do it. Told her to call me if she wanted to talk about us, or if she had any regrets. -That was 11 days ago. What I didn't say was call me if you get in a panic about something!! Well she is going to Dublin tomorrow with her new friend (who I hold partly responsible for the break up, as she is a 29 year old with marital problems - my ex doesn't want to reach the age of 29 and be the same). She called me just now to ask me what an E111 form is as I had dealt with all the documentation etc. when we've been on holiday in the past. That has annoyed me!! I was calm and polite as is my nature. I told her to not panic, to have a good time and basically that was it. I made sure it was a short call and I would not engage in small talk. She should realise that I am not her boyfriend anymore and she should sort out these problems herself! She apologised for calling me etc. Sorry I just feel cheated now and I have done the NC for long periods but now it is back to the beginning!! Maybe it is a moral victory for me as it proves she struggles without me! However I am getting to the stage where I don't know if I want her back even in the unlikely event that she wanted to. It is just annoying when they call like that for a pathetic reason. Rich

Hi WadeCure! I've just had a quick browse through your website and you are a good looking guy, so don't worry about that! I think everyone starts questioning what is wrong with themselves at the end of a relationship, I did it too and still am to a point. But the truth is that there is nothing wrong with you, and one day you will meet someone who appreciates you for being you. So chin up and don't change for anyone!

To be honest, I agree with the phrase. I know you don't like to hear it straight after a break up, but it is true nonetheless. If there are 6 BILLION other people out there, then why do you think that your ex is your only source of happiness? Of course there's nothing wrong with that, it's your choice. But I think that the people who say "it wasn't meant to be" or "move on" are only trying to help. I think it is a little OTT to say that these people don't understand true love. I think they probably do, but they don't see the point of dwelling on somebody who doesn't feel the same. I understand what you are saying, because the last thing I wanted to hear in the weeks after my split was "There's plenty more fish in the sea," but I am going against everyone else and saying that I think it is true. I truly love my ex, but I'm confident that I will truly love somebody else before I die.

Maybe she was being rude, but who cares? Forget about it, she's not your problem anymore...

Yes, stop stressing about this girl and making her out to be God's gift to men! She was your first love so you will always feel something special towards her. But how do you know that she is the one for you? I felt the same initially, but almost 5 weeks later and I can see that all is not lost. My ex was my first love but she was far from perfect, and if you look at your ex objectively I would wager that she isn't either (the fact that she is with another guy so soon is a good indication of this). My advice? Stop thinking about ways to get back with her. Concentrate on yourself and leave her and her new man alone. You are better off without them. Just my thoughts, as I hate to hear people who have been dumped talk like this. Stay strong, Rich

It is tough to take in. However, your conscience is clear. In time, possibly when this rebound ends, she may realise what she has done and what she has lost. She will have to live with that for the rest of her life. If she never shows or feels any remorse, then quite frankly this other guy has done you a massive favour in taking her off your hands!

Yes it is a bad idea - keep your cool and don't waste another bit of energy on your ex! Don't give her the satisfaction!

James, do a search with my username and you will see that I know exactly how you feel. The difference is that I was with my ex for 3.5 years, and when she was approaching the age of 22 she became more and more distant and eventually told me she needed "to be single for a while" and "it's not about other men, just my state of mind." I am the same age as you too, so I know it is tough. The fact that you have broken up so many times in such a short space of time indicates that you should both have some time apart for the foreseeable future. I believe 2 people can get back together in the future if they were once in love, but getting back together so soon after the break up usually is only a short term solution. It is frustrating I know, but you simply have no choice but to move on with your own life and work on yourself. One day you may end up with this girl, but after you have taken the necessary steps to heal, you may eventually realise that you two simply weren't meant to be. Good luck and keep posting, Rich

Unfortunately I wasn't the person who bought the diamond earrings!!! I understand everything that you say, I hate analysing what to do, what not to do etc. I must say I am not a fan of LC so I doubt that I'll send a card in October. I don't want to send her a card and then suddenly the floodgates open and I start hearing details about her life again. That may set me back a long way - I'd prefer not to know if she has or hasn't met another guy. Your situation sounds a bit diferent though, so if you are comfortable doing the LC, then go for it I think. Good luck!