Satch

1) 2.5 years together 2) Almost 3 months apart 3) She left me. Told me I never tell her how I feel, couldn't see a future together, and did not feel like her own person anymore. 4) I am 33, she turned 23 today. It's been a really hard day for me because I cannot spend her special day with her. I sent her flowers to work (one red rose surrounded by 5 yellow roses), and met her for 10 mins this morning to give her a card, present, and a letter explaining myself a bit further.

Alas, she broke it off...

Very good question Scout. Very good question. Something that I have thought about a bit recently. On the afternoon my wife first told me she had cheated, I told her I had something to confess too. I told her that there was a girl at my work who was very attracted to me. Her response was "is it X?". Spot on. So I just wonder if my ex's attraction to me drove my wife to cheat on me. Cheating, physical and emotion abuse...all things that I would not tolerate. I must be totally honest and say that I love my ex unconditionally. No one has ever made me feel this way before, not even my ex wife (although I did love her). I am finding really hard to rid myself of the intense feelings for my ex, hence the reason I am trying hard to get her back. She was so sweet to me. I honestly feel that she is the perfect woman for me. My only negative about her was that she kept her feelings to herself towards the end. If she only had discussed them early on, we could have been in a very different position now. I appreciate your comments Scout. They are definitely in the right ball park, and really give me something to think about. For the time being, my focus in life is to love her back to me. If it does not happen, I will obviously still be hurt, but I will be a stronger person for it. Thanks.

If this were the case, and I did get my ex back, then I would reflect on this time alone as being one of the best things for me. I am working hard to change some of the weaknesses in my behaviour and views, things that I have only realised since my ex left me. I know that if we get back together, I will be an improved me for both me and her. She would also have to learn from this and change too. She doesn't need to change much, but she does need to let me know how she feels about the relationship sooner. If she had done this when she first started having doubts, I don't think I'd be where I am today. But maybe this will be a very good thing if we do reunite...

Ah yes, but a love bond can be completely destroyed by cheating, physical or emotional abuse etc. My wife cheated on me, and this extinguished our love bond. And of course there are other fish, but as I mentioned earlier, if you want to build a true love bond, you need to be able to make one work. You will find it hard to do so when moving from relationship to relationship. You can never make someone else love you. You can love them to love you, and this should be easier if the chemistry already existed. You can also manipulate someone into thinking they love you, but what sort of relationship would that be? But don't forget the fact that both people don't have to be in love. I am in love with my ex, no questions. But she currently does not love me in the same way. That hasn't stopped me from being in love with her. No way!

Sorry, but I do not have any stories to help the topic of this thread, but I'll be sure to let you ALL know when it does happen to me! I'm with you buddy. I have learned so much about myself since my break up. e.g. I couldn't even entertain the thought of having children until my ex left me, and I really thought about it seriously. I DO want to have children one day now. I've realised the reasons why I didn't, and am working to overcome them. But I doubt that many have done the soul searching that I have (and you have by the sounds of it). A lot of people just give up because it is too hard, or are so needy that they want the relationship back to where it was when it ended. This is asking for trouble, and heartbreak all over again. Keep the faith, and positive thinking, and you never know just what might happen. Absolutely perfect logic. I hope a lot of people read this paragraph and take it in.

I think you agree with the phrase Rich, because you miss the point of what true love really is. True love is not about someone else being your only source of happiness. True love is about loving someone 100%, and being happy with yourself for loving them. If you think that loving someone, or someone loving you is your only source of happiness, then you probably have never been in a real love bond before. As trishcollins said above, the people who say these things either haven't experienced true love themselves, or do not know what to say and just try to brush it off. People who say these things are not thinking constructively. People who say these things do not understand what a love bond is. Rich, if you truly loved your ex, then you would not have this opinion. Sure there comes a point where you must move on, but until then, you will love your ex 100% if you want any chance of reuniting.

That must be a two way mirror buddy. Although my ex first said to me she wasn't happy after we came home from a bar one Friday night, but we stayed together for the weekend and had the best weekend ever (she told me she loved me, I asked her if she would marry me one day and she said yes). It was the following week and I, yes, you guessed it, cooked her a romantic dinner with candles and mood music etc. After dinner she broke down into tears and said she did not want this anymore. I went to stay with my parents to give her some time to think, and by the end of the week she had left me. I'm trying to get on with my life, but I think about her all the time. I think that it is only natural to do so. I have faith (not hope) that we will get back together and build an unbreakable bond. I believe that this can be achieved. Let me know how you get on sinnerboy. PM me with the details of your story if you want. I'd be keen to swap notes.

I'd say that this is positive. Any non threatening contact initiated by your ex should be seen as positive. Keep it light and breezy. Be confident, not needy. Show him who he first fell in love with. Let us know how you get on. And remember to tell us if you achieve success!

"There are so many more fish in the sea..." What a load of bullcrap this statement is! (I'd use much stronger words if this forum allowed me to) Anyone who says this does not have an understanding of what true love is. And it really pi$$e$ me off to hear people saying this. People need to really understand what creates a true love bond. A true love bond is created by loving your lover 100%. It is not created by going from partner to partner, whenever the going gets tough. YOU WILL NEVER LEARN how to create a true love bond by doing this. Please bear with me while I vent. In my case, my partner (gf) of 2.5 years just up and left me almost 3 months ago. I was devastated. Not because I could not live without her or needed her, but because it totally surprised me and I truly loved her. She did not even want to discuss things or get help. Nope, it was over. I pleaded, begged and cried which guilted her into sticking around for a few more days, but deep down her mind had already been made up. She told me things like "You never tell me how you feel", "I can't see us together in future", and "I don't feel like my own person anymore." I spent the first few weeks completing a character assassination of myself. Looking at what she said, and blaming myself. It really hurt. I was searching for answers to where it had all gone wrong. And I believe I found some. "You never tell me how you feel" - was due to the fact that I had trouble with telling her "I love you". I did, but was scared to say it. I had just come from a 7 year marriage where my wife cheated on me, and my trust was shattered. But I sure let my ex know my feelings for her in our last few days together. "I can't see us together in future" - I committed 'relationship suicide' by telling my ex that I did not want to get married again, and did not want to have children. The marriage thing is simple - my trust was broken so my comments at the time were normal. I now know that I want to marry my ex - no questions. I've also never seriously considered having children before, but after being put in this situation (the break up), I realise that I do now want to have children. I honestly mean this, and told my ex early on, but of course they were seen as immediate concessions and not taken seriously. How do I go about proving this? I'm about to give her a letter which explains this and other things. It is a gamble, but one that I am prepared to take. "I don't feel like my own person anymore" - my ex did almost everything with me. She did not really have any local friends of her own (ones that she could hang out with away from me), or any interests outside of our interests. I had both of these things away from my ex as well as with my ex. I could not force her to do these things on her own. Not much I could do about this one unfortunately. Of course there were a number of other things about my behaviour that weren't the best (I'm a typical guy and an only child at that). Things that I said that I shouldn't have (nothing abusing), but I have now realised my mistakes. I'm even attending counselling to help me with things. I have also captured them in the letter I'm about to give her. If this doesn't help to edge her closer to me again, I do not know what will. We remain in periodic contact, and do not talk about our relationship or feelings. In fact, in the last 55 days or so, she has called me 7 times, and I have called her twice, one email, and one text message. The last time she called me was to get a web address from me. She didn't need to contact me really, but felt comfortable in doing so given the groundwork I have laid. I'm sick of comments from people who say "move on and forget about her", "go catch another fish", "you can do better", "it was not meant to be" etc. These people do not understand true love. These people do not understand the love I have for her, or the love that she (at least) once had for me. I am getting on with my life, but I choose to retain faith that she will return to me one day. Is there anything wrong with that?

sayer7 - no one said you were an idiot. By the sounds of your story, you have every right to be negative about relationships. You bf treated you like crap by the sounds of it. Those two examples you gave were horrendous!

That is a much more positive and constructive response sayer7. The "just get over it"/"there are many more fish in the sea" mentality does no one any good. It is a defeatist attitude, unless you do want to get over someone. But Ray7 never said that.

Yes, this is the easy way out. (and really bad advice by the way) Or you could take a more constructive approach and try to love her back to you. If you really think you two are meant to be together, then don't give up faith. A lost relationship may be a lost opportunity for the growth of a love bond. You will never learn how to build a solid love bond by going from relationship to relationship. You will learn by maintaining a relationship and growing within that relationship. Don't forget that.

I do appreciate the feedback you all are giving me. And yes, I am afraid of rejection. Aren't we all? I just know that it is not time to propose to her. We have been apart for 2.5 months now, and I am starting to win her comfort back. To jump straight in the deep end with a wedding proposal would be relationship suicide. Plus she is not ready to get married yet anyway. I know this because she told me. I'll proceed with the letter idea. Thanks for your help on this Francis.

Whoaa! I appreciate your response and feedback, but proposing to her at the moment is definitely the wrong thing for me to do. That would be suicide for any chance I think I might have! I need to convince her that I am serious about marriage and children before I do anything drastic like that. Believe me, if I thought that this was the right thing to do now, I'd do it in a flash! But I am also sensible, and realise that this would be a really bad move. I'm starting to build up a good relationship with her again. She phoned me yesterday to get a web address from me. She has not called me about an insignificant thing like that yet. It shows me that she is comfortable to call me as a friend now. And this has only come from the very hard ground work that I have laid over the last few weeks. I still need to take it slowly at the moment. Thanks for your input Kittengirl. I do appreciate all points of view.