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rich46

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  1. rich46
    No it's not "just friends" behaviour but unfortunately it is common for exes to do this. Don't ask me why?! I guess it's because they know that they still have some kind of power over us, and so do it to prevent us getting over them completely...just in case. Deliberate or not, who knows, but that is why I had to do no contact as I couldn't handle the amount of mixed signals I got in just 1 week! Rich
  2. rich46
    I can totally relate! Check out my post from a week ago link removed It has messed up with my head this last 7 days. I've contemplated re-establishing contact, but now I am thinking clearly again and I need to continue with the no contact. 2 months isn't a very long time for you to heal. It was 3 months since my ex broke up with me, and although I've made a lot of progress, I'm still not ready for the whole 'friends' thing. It really is true though - it is quite common for an ex to re-emerge just when we are starting to feel better! Try to put the whole incident out of your mind and continue moving forward. Good luck, Rich
  3. rich46
    Hi, No problem whatsoever! I know what you are going through and it hurts like hell, especially in the beginning. But you sound like a GREAT, LOVING and CARING person and your ex simply didn't deserve you. Trust me, YOU'LL be the one who ends up with true happiness, not HIM. Take care and PM me anytime! Rich
  4. rich46
    Great post! You're right! While I'm not completely over my ex, she contacted me a few times last week after a couple of months of no contact. Turns out she's in a rebound relationship. My point is that this didn't bother me anywhere near as much as I thought it would, and so I know I am making progress. Keep up the good work Mjane! Rich
  5. rich46
    Only second guess? That's on a good day!
  6. rich46
    Hi Trish, I'd definitely send the card. I don't see any reason not to. It certainly wouldn't make you appear weak - but like you said, NOT sending a card would make you appear angry and resentful. Sounds to me like you know what to do. Send the card and then back on the no contact train! Good luck, Rich
  7. rich46
    Well she contacted me quite a few times last week ( link removed ) saying that she missed me, sounding really upset, etc. Sounds like her rebound isn't treating her too well. I haven't initiated any contact for over 2 months now, but I'm thinking about opening my door ever so slightly and seeing if she wants to come in!
  8. rich46
    That is so true. I actually felt sorry for my ex when I found out she'd rebounded. Although she hasn't said she wants to get back with me, she has shown signs of regret. thereforeeee I am currently considering whether to reestablish contact with her. The 3 months of virtual no contact has allowed me to take stock, think about the reasons for the break up, and evaluate whether or not I see my future with her. It's a shame she hasn't been on these message boards...
  9. rich46
    I wish it was that simple. But if I go to New Zealand and end up staying for 6-12 months (the maximum time) then like herewegoagain said, we'll have grown apart and our chance will have passed. So that is why I want to act sooner rather than later...
  10. rich46
    Hi daisysoupus, Thanks for your reply! Unfortunately her visiting me for a week or whatever is out of the question. I agree that she may be just testing the water to see if I would ask her. The thing is, I have spoken to her since she sent me the text message. So I can't just reply to it anymore as it is irrelevant. Honestly, I know some people pray that they'll hear from their exes again, but it causes so much confusion that I'm not sure whether it is a good thing afterall! Rich
  11. rich46
    Arrggghhh! Thanks for your reply, but it has confused me again!
  12. rich46
    Sli, what an excellent post that was! I think I know that I need to go to New Zealand on my own. The thing that scares me is that I could be saying goodbye to my chances of ever getting her back. But as you and others have so rightly pointed out, it may actually increase my chances in the long run. Who knows? But she did actually break up with me because she wanted to be young, free and single - and 3 months is not long enough to do that. The chances are if we got back together she would have the same feelings in the future. By the time I get back we will have been broken up for at least a year, probably longer. I think shocked&dismayed summed it up best here: Live by my own timetable? That is great advice and I need to keep rereading that because it is so true. Thanks a lot, I'm starting to think more clearly about this now! Rich
  13. rich46
    Wow, some great responses from all of you - although the fact that good points were made from either side has made me more confused than ever! I'll start with hockeyboy's viewpoint. I think he made some excellent points in his reply. The main concern for me is that I get out to New Zealand, and think "what if?" What if I had reached out to my ex? What if she was here in this beautiful country with me? What if I had taken a gamble and met up with her? In these last few months, I have done a lot of thinking. While I am not saying my ex was completely blameless, I do think that my clingyness pushed her further and further away towards the end of our relationship. I was no longer the fun loving guy she met 4 years ago, and as I had no job, hardly any friends/motivation - she thought the grass was greener on the other side. Now I know a lot of people say this, but I really do know that I have changed in that time, i.e. new job, started a college course, new friends, obviously made plans for travel etc. I have always been critical of myjoy and the like's "so-called startegies" to get back with your ex. But maybe there is an element of truth to them? Have any of you guys who are advising against contact ever posted in myjoy's famous thread? If you have, then haven't I unknowingly successfully completed the initial stages, i.e. no contact, work on yourself, she's initiated contact... BUT on the other hand, some of the comments advising me to go to New Zealand on my own really made me think. I really do appreciate that. It would be a massive risk, and we would have to do A LOT of talking before we could even think about doing it together. We would have to balance being together with being independent when we are over there - a difficult challenge. This is why I can't really do what Muneca suggested. If I sent her the deadline date, surely that would indicate that I definitely wanted her to come with me and the ball is in her court? But the fact is, I need to see her or speak to her at length to decide whether I do actually want it to happen. Confused? Me too! Great points stolenshadow. You are right, and I need to think about this some more. That's the main reason why I need to meet her and talk about things. I'll get a much better idea of the situation via a face to face meeting. Much more than text messages or phone calls could ever give. One thing that I would have to make clear is that if she was to ever desert me again for her friends or whatever, then that would be the end in terms of any future contact for us. I don't know how I am coming accross to you all, but I have toughened up a lot, and I'm not just going to let her come waltzing back into my life as if nothing happened. But for 3 years, we were perfect for eachother, and it seems a shame to just let this go. I believe that it is worth a second chance. A third and fourth chance? Definitely not. But surely it is worth a second chance? I'll leave it there for now. Thanks again for your advice, and feel free to add more comments and replies as I am still torn about what to do! Take care, Rich
  14. rich46
    Do I want to experience this pain again? Of course not! But I doubt I ever will because now I know that I am fine without her, and should it happen again then I'll be more equipped to cope with the pain. But the dilemma is whether or not I should risk it...
  15. rich46
    Hi all, Wow, I haven't started a topic in the 'Getting Back Together' forum for a while! I guess that's because I have been moving on with my life, and the thoughts of getting back with her were gradually fading from my mind. Until...... She started contacting me again. See link removed for more details about that. Inevitably, this has got my mind racing. Now I am not sure what to do. She is obviously pretty miserable in her own life right now, and her rebound isn't working at all. In the phone call last Thursday she said that she missed me, felt used by the rebound guy, and remarked how I had changed (like she sounded surprised that I was no longer the broken man I was 3 months ago). Anyway, in the last 3 months I've done A LOT of thinking and A LOT of work on myself and I feel A LOT stronger as a result. However, my situation is complicated somewhat by the fact that I am going backpacking to New Zealand in February for at least 3 months, more likely 6+ months. I know that this is something that she has always wanted to do, and she sent me a text message the other day asking "How much does it cost to go to New Zealand? Thinking about getting a Graduate Loan... x" Maybe this was a flippant reaction to hearing of my plans. But then again, maybe it was a hint that she'd like to join me? So naturally, I've spent the last few days at work thinking about whether I would want her to come with me, if indeed that is a possibility. I have come to the conclusion that I would, although we would have to do a lot of talking and reflecting before it could happen. Now the deadline for her to book the trip would be December 10th, so I'm thinking I've got to act sooner rather than later... Trust me, there is a point to this thread! Basically, I'm thinking about initiating contact (the first time I will have done this for 2 months) and maybe suggesting we meet up for the day somewhere, like a shopping centre, go to the cinema, that kind of thing. We live 100 miles apart you see. She has always wanted to remain "best friends" so I'm pretty sure she'd accept... I truly am ready to see her, as like I've said, I have come a long way in the 3 months of virtual no contact. I do want her back, but I really do know that I'll be fine without her too. So is it worth a shot? I don't think I've got anything to lose. I don't want to leave the country and regret that I didn't try and sort things out. I appreciate it may be a setback for me, but I also think that it may be worth a shot. Sorry for this being a little long, just wanted to share my thoughts and hear any of your opinions before I actually do anything. Thanks a lot everyone, Rich
  16. rich46
    Thanks hockeyboy! I definitely won't be calling her - I haven't done that for over 2 months! But what if she calls me? I've been out all day today, but my brother answered the phone earlier on and the person hung up. The number had been withheld. Still, whoever it was will call back if it was anything important! Rich
  17. rich46
    Great advice shocked&dismayed! I must admit it is hard not to think about stuff like this, but I've read too many stories of this happening, i.e. the dumpee jumping for joy when hearing that the ex "misses you," but before you know it the dumper is backing away again. So I am on my guard. If she is serious about trying to get back together with me, then she'll have to show it. Anything less and I'll be keeping my distance and focusing on my own life. Thanks for your post - think I will print out this thread and continue to read it whenever I feel a sign of weakness setting in. Take care, Rich
  18. rich46
    A great post! I can particularly relate to this part: It is so true. The amount of self-examination I have done over the last 3 months has made me a lot stronger. Yes I can now see the relationship in a lot more clearer light, and that is something that I will take into future relationships. Thanks fifi8! Rich image removed
  19. rich46
    Thanks for the encouagement JTS and hockeyboy! I'm sure there'll be more contact before I go in february - our would-be 4th anniversary is on October 31st - should be an interesting day!!! lost puppy - I think my ex does understand the need for no contact. And for the most part, she has gone along with it. But it is only just hitting her that I'm not her security blanket...and she's panicking! By the way, I replied to your post but I think the best advice for you can be summed up in two words - no contact! But you already know that, so you'll be just fine given a good amount of time. Take care, Rich
  20. rich46
    lost_puppy, I think you know what you need to do here. I think that the ex's best friend was a set up by your ex. I may be wrong, but the exact thing has happened to me before so I know just how sneaky they can be. You'll probably never know, but it's best to just ignore it in my opinion. As for your ex contacting your sister, again another sneaky move. Sounds like she's trying to keep tabs on you and prevent you moving on - not until she's found someone else. You just need to ignore these testers as your attitude is bang on - no contact. One month since the break up is nothing. You need a good few months on your own without even thinking about another girl or talking to your ex. That's my opinion anyway, based on my ongoing situation. Good luck, Rich
  21. rich46
    Well there's no way that I'm gonna keep in touch with her while she still hasn't officially broken up with the rebound. It's still too soon for me anyway I think. I mean I'm doing well, but I'm not 100% healed and so I'm not ready (or willing) to open myself up for more hurt. She'll probably contact me again soon, but I don't know how I'll react. Yeah I suppose I do want her to suffer a bit. Just because she's having a rough few days does not mean I'm gonna be her knight in shining armour. If I did that, she'd drop me when she felt better as she'd know I was always there for her, no matter what.
  22. rich46
    Thanks guys! chai714 - thanks a lot, I must stay strong through this and keep my positive attitude. hockeyboy - it's never too late! BUT I'm kind of taking things in my stride, and I'm concentrating on my own life. The GREAT thing now (thanks to no contact) is that I know that I will be fine with or without her. This wasn't the case a few months ago, when I thought I'd be a miserable wreck without her in my life. Plus it kind of complicates things that I'm going away for 3-6 months in February - but I'm doing that no matter what as 1) it is paid for (not cheap!) and more importantly 2) I think I need to do it to make me a stronger, more independent person. CarterJonas - yes I have to remain a little harsh, if only to protect myself from getting hurt again. The key is like you said, to keep looking to the future! (sorry about the result yesterday by the way!) Rich
  23. rich46
    Thanks Matt. I agree, I'm not getting my hopes up. I did ask her a similar question and her reply was "because you told me you didn't want to have any contact." I don't think that's the reason though - it's simply because she was having fun with this "friend" rebound guy! I've come a long way this last few months, and I'm not gonna let this get to me. If she really wants me back, then she will need to work hard because I'm getting on with my life and I'm not going to do any chasing. Thanks, Rich
  24. rich46
    Trust me, I haven't been too harsh! Maybe the way I wrote it above makes it seem that way, but I think I struck a good balance between being nice and being harsh. I just feel confused to be honest. Certainly not happy as I hate seeing her like this. But there is a tiny fraction of me that says "well she is seeing that the grass isn't always greener." It's certainly true about them comparing their rebounds to their exes. She said to me "You wouldn't have treated me like that" and "I'm scared that I'm letting go of a good thing." But I'm not letting these comments get to me. I know that she could be saying these things to hold me back, or simply because her rebound isn't showing her the interest she needs. Nice to hear from you by the way!
  25. rich46
    Hi, I've not posted a lot lately as things have been going ok in my life, moving on with no contact from the ex. It had been about 5 weeks since our last contact, and 3 months since the end of our 3.5 years together. We met when we were 18 and so were eachother's first loves, but we have lived 100 miles apart for the last year and she drifted away from me. She found new friends at her new job, started getting chatted up by other guys at nightclubs, and after gradually becoming more distant with me, ended it. She wanted to stay "best friends" but I couldn't handle that. So I insisted on no contact and I've been gradually been picking myself up from rock bottom. I'm going to New Zealand in February as I think it is what I need, and will be a great learning experience for me, and make me a stronger person. Now, to the present. 1. She texted me her new number last week and I replied with a simple Thanks. 2. She contacted me again 3 days ago on Messenger and ever so unsubtley informed me about her new "friend." Well this guy's mother had just died of cancer and my ex sounded a complete wreck. I told her that I didn't want to know and that while I obviously sympathised, it was not my problem. She kept on asking me if I had met anyone else, but I didn't give her the satisfaction of knowing. But I took this opportunity to tell her about my trip to NZ (rightly or wrongly, but I always planned on telling her at some point as I couldn't just up sticks without letting her know). She tried to make me feel guilty, and so I ended the conversation. 3. The following day she sent me a text message saying "Sorry I contacted you last night. I haven't slept for days, I just want my friend to be ok." I didn't reply. (This "friend" is obviously a rebound but surprisingly, it didn't affect me that much). 4. She called earlier today in tears. Her number was withheld, so I had no choice but to answer it. She was extremely upset, depressed, told me she missed me, felt used by this new guy, and even remarked that I sounded like I had changed (like she sounded surprised that I was no longer the broken man I was 3 months ago). Anyway, again I ended the conversation and told her that we couldn't be friends right now and that she couldn't keep calling me like this. 5. I checked my phone and just prior to her calling she had sent a message saying "How much does it cost to go to New Zealand? Thinking of getting a graduate loan... x" - I didn't reply. She has obviously rebounded and because she isn't getting the attention of this new guy (because of his mother passing away), she has tried to turn to me. I really don't take any pleasure in seeing her like this, and it makes me feel bad. Suddenly I'm the one who is doing well, and she is the one who is in turmoil. It is like everything I've read over the last few months has come true. They always say that the dumpee becomes stronger because he/she doesn't have any choice, while the dumper will have to deal with it all at a later date. Any comments? I told her to stop contacting me as it's for the best, and I don't want to start resenting her or I'll change my phone number. Just thought I'd get that out in the open, Thanks for reading, Rich
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