fifi8

Hi everyone, It's been some time since I was on here, and I'm just returning to offer some encouragement. The pain of a breakup varies from person to person. Sometimes we realise we weren't all that happy with that person anyway, but for a lot of us, it's pure agony. There are a lot of labels given to us when we seem to struggle with prolonged grief after a breakup - co-dependent, depressive etc. As if we don't feel bad enough already, we're being judged and stereotyped by the world. I wish I could change that, but I can't. I know how much it hurts, how that hole inside your chest feels like it's swallowing every fiber of your being, like you're being sucked down into a vacuum. The pain is almost unbearable, the sense of loss profound. Then comes the time when you feel nothing - you're drained, you might have had dreams and desires once, but you don't seem capable of feeling anything. You want your old life back, but it's gone and you seem to have nothing left, and if you do have anything left, it's not worth having. Sound familiar? You've also read every self-help book for how to get your partner back that was ever written. You've possibly also come to realise that a lot of what they say doesn't work. But there are things that do work, for your good. Unless you're seriously depressed and I'm talking chemical imbalances here, there will come a morning when you wake up and don't want to die/cry. It may be the only morning for a week, but more will follow. Secondly, life works in chapters - have you noticed that? Accept, as hard as it is, that you're beginning a new chapter. Because you are. You won't be the same after this breakup, you'll have changed - for the better. Because of all the self-examination you've done, you're an improved version of the old you. If someone left you because you were moody, can you honestly see yourself bringing that into another relationship? I highly doubt it. True pain creates great change. Also, you're already tired - emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I know I was. But eventually I could make it onto my knees and let go, give it up. For me, I gave it up to God. Whatever you believe, you need to know this - you will unite with exactly who you're meant to unite with. You subtly influence that in millions of small ways, to bring about your own destiny. Feel at peace knowing that everything will work out for you, in your own best interest, if you keep holding that you want the best for yourself in your mind. Don't hold you and your ex getting back together in your mind. Just hold onto the life you want for yourself - keep seeing it, keep talking about it. Right now, as I said, you might not feel anything, but slowly, very slowly, it will come. A dream, a random thought that felt good. I still remember watching TV, and I saw an ad for "Love Actually". It was six months after my breakup, and that Pointer Sisters' song "Jump (for my love)" was playing. And I started singing. Somewhere inside, hope had been sparked into flame. What a beautiful feeling. I took that hope and built on it. One of the first things I did was to go to a website where people asked for prayer for their needs, and I prayed for one of them. Just one, it was all I could do. But seeing their response to what I wrote made me feel good, and so I did it again, for someone else, and again, and again. In praying for them, I'd actually started healing myself. It was all about them, but it was healing me. I took what little I had and gave it back, and it multiplied. I held onto my thoughts of my future, what I wanted, where I wanted to be. And slowly, it all came to pass, and is still coming. I didn't reunite with my ex, I began dating someone else. I regret that my ex saw many unpleasant facets of my personality, but I thank him for the person I am now. I behave maturely, and I'm considerate and respectful of my partner. I like who I'm becoming. I still love my ex, I'm sure a part of me always will on some level, but for now, he forms a part of the tapestry of my life. I haven't ruled out us reuniting, because it might be meant to be. But I focus on what I can accomplish for myself, what I can create through my own positive intent. Have you heard that expression "It's All About Me". You know what, sometimes it really is, and now is that time. If you want to do good in this world, it's all about you. How can you give to others when your own well has run dry? Trust me, this will get better. But remember, this is a new chapter and when the pain subsides, decide who you will be and what you will have in your life. Then write a date one year from when you start making those decisions. And on that date, ask yourself if you still want that ex back. You might be surprised at your answer. God Bless. Fiona

Hi everyone, I recently met a man online about a month ago. He lived in Wisconsin, I live in San Francisco. Things were going well, and after a week of emails we went to phone calls. The phone calls sort of launched us into a fairly intense few weeks, with the result being that we met up to spend the Valentine's Day weekend together. He and I both felt that something was missing, but not all the time. Sometimes there was an incredible connection between us, at others there was nothing. It was weird. We talked it all to death, with the end result being that we really didn't want to miss an opportunity with the other one because we did have some chemistry, and we definitely liked the qualities of the other one. But it's weird because we aren't going back to affectionate emails or phone calls. It's like the weekend set us back to the very beginning. We have decided to meet again, at least for now, but I'm confused. Is it possible to get that initial attraction we had over the phone etc back, or are we just being stupid. Are we trying to hang onto something that isn't worth it? The distance puts an awful lot of pressure on us, but because of the 'something's missing' over the weekend, we don't seem to be at a romantic place at all, and I'm concerned we can't get it back now. Any advice? Fiona

because she might be suffering from a chemical imbalance, and she really 100% needs to see a doctor. Eventually her mood swings are going to affect your relationship, so if you really love her, convince her to see a doctor. Fiona

have to be coming, right? The holidays were about as awful as it gets. My ex and I had made so many plans, and I had to deal with him getting to know someone else. It's really been a rotten 5 months. I was thinking about what makes me get over an ex quickly, and I think it's where I attribute the blame. The ex before the last one was a really blah person, so when he broke up with me I thought about how poopy he was, and didn't feel all that bad. This last ex was a truly wonderful man, and I went stupid with mood swings and then being all clingy and neurotic. So pretty much every day I beat myself up about the breakup, knowing it was my fault. It's really hard because I don't think he'd ever date me again, given that previous experience, and yet at one point, he was so in love with me people would stop us on the street and tell us we made them happy because we looked so in love. It's been the worst experience of my life to date, but it did force me to examine myself, go to therapy, fix things that needed fixing, and ultimately, I think I'm much closer to the person I've always wanted to be. Too bad he's not around to see it. I feel your pain guys, and I hope this year is so much better for all of us. *hug* Fiona

why you'd wanna write that, but the best advice ever given to me was not to ever do anything when I was emotional. Because you could write and tell him what a piece of crap he is etc (and you'd be justified) but then you wake up the next morning missing him like nothing else, and all you can think about is the message you sent. You never know, he might find a way to redeem himself, but make him work like a dog if he tries. If you're finding that you really have to contact him, then I'm sure you have stuff of his at your house, or he has something of yours, and you can always use that as a reason. Fiona

I can't even imagine how awful you must feel right now. To me it sounds like he doesn't want to be committed to you anymore, although I have no idea where that came from. But let's examine this. Does he have any right to treat you like this? NO! Even if he's madly in love with you, his behavior is inexcusable. If it were me, although it would make me nuts, I wouldn't contact him, and when he finally got in contact with me, I'd tell him I was only prepared to talk if he could justify his actions. Then based on what he said, I'd determine if I wanted him in my life. You deserve better than that, although that doesn't do much for the pain right now. I think you'll feel better if you take your power back and decide to not contact him. No matter what he's going through, that will probably surprise him, and it should make him respect you, which is obviously something he's lacking at the moment. *hugs* Fiona

She said you could call in a few days, and given your past behavior, she'll be expecting you to, looking forward to it in some ways, and completely dreading it in others. DO NOT CALL!!!! Number one, because she's said it's over, and that whole 'friends' thing is rarely true. You did a number of really dumb things, and you were borderline obsessive in how you tried to get in contact with her, and you have to give her a break from that. Right now she doesn't respect you, and if she doesn't respect you, you have no chance of reconciliation. I know how you feel, because I acted like a moron when my ex-bf left me, and I'm 37 too, so no, age is no guarantee against acting against reason. I drove him nuts, and pretty much drove him into looking for a new relationship. When we did talk, I was so obviously happy to be talking to him, I kept our conversations way too long, and I'm fairly confident he felt like he was being smothered. I don't contact him at all anymore, although he did give me a Christmas gift etc, and we spoke on Christmas day. So, he may not love me, but I feel that at least he knows I have my dignity back, which is better than being pathetic. If you really want this woman back, you must not contact her. If she contacts you, be really nice, but keep conversations short. The idea here is to make her see that she does in fact miss you, and might be willing to give you a second chance if you prove yourself trustworthy. But, you do need to get on with your life. It's miserable the first few months, and nobody can make it better for you, you just have to hang in there and not want to kill yourself or drink yourself into oblivion. You also have to face the inevitable - we reap what we sow, and you may not ever get her back. But it's early days yet, and if you follow the excellent advice from Morrigan, at least you have a chance. Fiona

I suffered from depression for a time, after a bad accident, and my ex broke it off with me. He didn't stick it out like you would have with this girl, and you should be commended for being so supportive. I believe you really are in love with her, and I also know that it's going to be extremely hard for her to find that again. She may not appreciate you now, because you're obviously available, but let her go, don't contact her, and watch ... she'll be back. She'll miss your love and support. My feeling is though, that by the time she wakes up to herself, you'll realize you can do better, and it will be too late for her. Fiona

every relationship is different. I've had other breakups, where I've been sad for a month or so, and then thought "oh well, life goes on" and I've been fine. This was the first time I've ever made plans for the rest of my life with someone, and gotten into the whole marriage idea etc though, so 5 months down the road, I still miss him and love him, even though he's just moving along with his life. If there was a magic pill I could pop that would make all the feelings go away, I'd take it in a heartbeat, but there isn't, so I have to wait till time heals me. The other thing about this is, I can't even date because nobody, and I mean, nobody appeals to me right now, so I can't wait for that to end as well Fiona

but I kinda doubt that she doesn't have any feelings for you. Do you hold hand when you go on these dates? That might be a good place to start. Hold her hand and see how that goes. That should help you move to the next step. Do you cuddle in bed? If not, see how that goes. Kissing and intimacy is a natural progression, but you need to start with the basics and work from there and make sure you're on the same page. Fiona

Firstly, make even the most boring parts of your day sound exciting. If all you did was lie on the sofa and read a book, be enthusiastic about it. WHen a guy likes you, he's into the energy you project, not only what you say. Also, turn the focus back on him. For example, say he's really into football, and he calls you up. He talks about his day, and then you bring up football, whether it's a question you have about it, or if you ask him who he thinks will make it to the Superbowl etc. You don't have to have a lot to say, you just need to know the questions to ask Fiona

I'm sure you're conscience is telling you that you deserve better than this, and if you can actually make yourself not contact your ex, you may eventually be able to call the shots. He's just not worthy of you right now, and if he ever wants you in his life, make him work for it. I can promise you from experience that it does get easier. The first week of no contact is a killer, the second week is barely better, but by week three it's like you know you're kicking an addiction. The times alone are tough, but all you can do is suffer through them until you don't feel so blah. Exercise is good because it makes you tired enough that you can actually get some sleep at night, plus it pays off in other ways. Remember, thousands of us have been where you are right now, and you *can* do this. Don't contact him, don't try and find out where he is or what he's doing. The more you practice not being actively interested in his stuff, the easier it will get. Fiona

if you really want this man to ever consider dating you again, you need to have one priority - YOU! I know exactly what you're going through, I know how it feels to go through a really bad time and act like a freak in a relationship, and you push your partner until they finally break up with you. You can't change the past, you can only affect the future, and if you act all needy and clingy around him when you see him, you can almost guarantee you wont ever date him again. Make a list with everything that you need to work on, things that you can actually change. For example, you might have to live at home, so you can't change your step dad, but you can change things about you. You have to start making some positive changes. It seems like you might need to see a therapist to get you through this time, or a counselor, and see what they recommend. Remember, the only way you can have a chance at future happiness with your ex or anyone else, is to start making you #1. I hope I helped. Fiona

Hi, My ex broke up with me about 5 months ago. I'd had a bad accident and it had left me in a lot of debt, and it really changed my personality. I had the mood swings from hell, and then I became very insecure and needy. After two months of dealing with me being needy, he broke up with me. I later found out I was depressed, nothing major, but enough that I went to therapy. I never blamed my ex or made him feel bad for his decision. Of course, post break up I did the needy thing again (ugh, will I ever learn) and drove him further away, and it is only in the last month that I've behaved maturely. I asked him to tell me he didn't love me anymore, and we would never get back together, just to get closure, and he wouldn't, stating that he never closed the door no anything. My question is, and this is mainly to the guys, if you've behaved badly in a relationship, but have gotten help, would a guy really ever date you again, or are you labeled as having depression, and only ever considered as a friend after that? Any input would be greatly appreciated. Fiona

My ex clearly just wants friendship, if that, although when we talk, it's always me saying that I need to go, and he stays on the phone forever. He broke up with me, and when he did he made it very clear that all physical desire was gone. I've never had this from an ex before, so needless to say, it hurt. But we get on so well together, and he says he wouldn't rule out us being able to date each other in the future. Although in the same conversation he'll also mention stuff like he's sure I'll be the first one to date out of the two of us etc. Very confusing. Anyway, did anyone get back together with someone in a similar or worse situation than this? Thanks. Tink