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rich46

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Everything posted by rich46

  1. Great post Hockeyboy and I know exactly what you are talking about. It is irrelevant whether or not you got her phone number. The point is that you asked her out for a date...you did your bit and the fact she has a boyfriend meant it was a no-go. No dramas though. Maybe next time you feel like this and flat out ask for a date, the girl won't be attached and you may meet the girl of your dreams. If you don't ask you don't get. The moral of the story can be summed up in two words...no regrets. Take care and have a GREAT time in Montreal! Rich
  2. Very good post Snarfnaj, thanks a lot. Also nice to 'see' you both auburnslp and Pebek and know that you are both making good progress after such a difficult time. Keep on looking forward... Rich
  3. I think there just comes a time when we have had enough of the dwelling on our exes...if they chose to leave and aren't showing any interest in getting back with us, then it's time to find someone who will appreciate us.
  4. Good luck Trish! I seem to remember saying that 2005 will be a lot better for both of us and I hate to blow my own trumpet, but I think I'm going to be proved right! I'm definitely ready to meet someone else too but I've avoided even trying as it would have confused me before I go away (2 weeks today by the way! ) I've followed your story closely over the last 6 months and I am so pleased you have made/are making progress! Good for you! Take care and good luck in the future... Rich
  5. Hi Yorkrose23, I'm sure a lot of people on these forums can relate to your confusion...I certainly can. Our exes often give off mixed feelings straight after a break up for a variety of reasons - to try and ease the pain, to keep you as a back up, to ease their conscience etc. Based on my experience from the last 6 months, I think that you need to distance yourself from him in order for your confusion to die down a little bit. Whether you do no contact is up to you...I chose that option with my ex as I couldn't possibly maintain a friendship with her. In the days after she dumped me, she said things like "There's always hope" and "I bet we do end up back together one day" and "I can't promise anything but I've been thinking about you." It took me just over a week to realise what I needed to do and I stopped pretending to be "best friends" and it was the best (although also the hardest) thing I've ever had to do. Annie24 is right I am afraid...if he wanted you he wouldn't have broke up with you in the first place. It's incredibly difficult to accept, but it's true. Basically my advice is to distance yourself from him, otherwise you'll continue to be drawn into the loop of confusion again and again and again. You'll analyse his every word/action. Believe me, I spent a long time debating whether or not the 'xxx' at the end of my ex's text messages meant she wanted me back - not healthy. Good luck and keep posting, Rich
  6. It's incredibly difficult to begin with. No doubt about it. But it does get better as each week passes if you use your time wisely, and keep yourself busy. Trying to be friends is near enough impossible in my opinion, and will only lead to even more heartache. I was with my ex for 3.5 years and the first couple of months of NC were hard. The last few months have been a lot easier and I'm feeling good right now. Just keep posting on this site and you'll get some great advice, and before you know it, months will have passed by and you'll be feeling more and more like your old self. Don't believe me? Read some of my posts from back in July and compare them to my recent ones. Good luck...you'll be just fine! Take care, Rich
  7. Great post! I don't visit this site much anymore...at least not compared to 6 months ago when I spent nearly all my time here! But coming back every so often and reading posts like yours gives me a boost, and reminds me how far I've come. I can relate to nearly every single word you wrote, but I liked this sentence: Like you, my self esteem and confidence hit rock bottom in the weeks and months after our break up. In fact, they had been steadily decreasing in the last few months of the relationship as I sensed she was pulling away from me. Over the last 6 months, I've been on a very gradual upward (learning) curve and now I think I am very close to being completely healed. During this time, I haven't dated or had any desire to meet anyone else because it would have been unfair on them, and deeply confusing for me. Next month, I am going to New Zealand for up to 12 months and if I meet someone special along the way, then I will be delighted! But if I don't, then I know that I'll be ok regardless. I have learnt to be comfortable on my own and that can only help my future relationship(s). So thankyou for your post...I hope you are very happy with your new boyfriend! Take care, Rich
  8. No. Yep. Take you or leave you. Permanent no contact. No more excuses, just do it. You really do need to toughen up a bit. The correct answer should be zero. Read my old replies to you for more in depth answers. Good luck, Rich
  9. Yeah!! Good for you!! The last 12 months have been the worst of my life, but I'm excited about what I've got planned for 2005! I wasted too much time in 2004...not this year though! Happy New Year! 8)
  10. No excuse! Like I said, I'm going to the other side of the world for a year...on my own! Taking that first step is the hardest, but you'll never regret it. And it doesn't have to be snowboarding! Absolutely anything will do to begin with!
  11. Hi toggle, Know that you are not alone! When my girlfriend dumped me back in July, I didn't really have anyone to help me except my family. My self esteem was very low, I didn't have a job, I'd lost contact with my friends, etc. But I came through that period and I forced myself to do new things such as do a part time college course, join a gym, got a new job etc. Also, in February I am going to New Zealand for 6-12 months on my own. It is pretty daunting because I imagine I am pretty similar to you and fairly quiet. However, I've forced myself to do something big because I think I will come back a different person and I'll have met soooo many people and made sooooo many new friends! You are only 17. You have years and years and years to make friends, get a girlfriend and the rest. You just have to make a stand and be positive! Get out there and do new things. Like MetalJoe says, find a hobby like snowboarding or something completely new and exciting. For one you will meet new people, and your self esteem will improve dramatically! Good luck and keep thinking positive...you've got your whole life in front of you! Take care, Rich
  12. And I don't believe it to be true. Provided that you treated your ex well and the relationship lasted a fair amount of time, then it is almost certain that he/she will be thinking about you. I didn't get a message/card/email either, but that doesn't necessarily mean that my ex is having the time of her life. I used to think like that until she called me after 4 weeks of NC back in October...she was in such a state and sounded utterly miserable. She had rebounded and he hadn't been treating her so well. She told me that she was scared she was letting go of a good thing (me), she missed me, etc. My point is, for the 4 weeks of NC I imagined her to be going out, living without a care in the world, and not thinking about me. Well now I know that this isn't true, and after spending 3.5 years together/being first loves, I wouldn't expect anything less. BUT this doesn't mean she wants me back. I do think that your ex will be thinking about you. But you should try and concentrate on how you are feeling from now on, not your ex. I know it is hard. But the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and not all exes are on top of the world. If it makes you feel better, then I'm pretty sure you're ex will be thinking about you. That is unless they are made of stone, in which case you are better off without them anyway. It has come to the point for me when I am actually pleased that my ex hasn't contacted me, as it prevents me from being set back and/or being given false hope for a reunion. I just want to concentrate on myself from now on, and my only aim is to make 2005 a lot better than 2004. Take care, Rich
  13. Totally agree. In my heartbroken state after getting dumped in July this year, I went along with the idea of being "best friends" with my ex for a week or two. I even travelled the 100 miles to see her on her birthday and we had a great day...bowling, movies etc. However, when I had to make that long journey back at night, I was totally devastated. So the next day I called her and explained how it was too difficult to be friends so soon after the break up. The intitial weeks after I did this were hell, but in the long run there is no doubt in my mind that it was the best thing to do. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to be just friends with her, especially as she was my first love. Maybe I'll feel differently when I meet someone else, but I can't ever imagine hanging around with her knowing full well she is with someone else. I think a lot of exes want to keep us in their lives as a back up in case they realise their mistake. That was certainly the case in my situation. My ex wanted to go out and play the field, yet keep me hanging on just in case she didn't meet someone better. I feel quite proud of myself for not letting this happen, as it is completely natural to cling onto the false hope that they gives us. But unfortunately, by keeping in touch, all we are doing is making it easier for them, and harder for ourselves. And that one sentence pretty much sums up why I am such a huge fan of no contact. Take care, Rich
  14. You certainly seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Yes your ex is obviously very confused right now, but doing NC will enable her to sort her own head out, and it will prevent you from resenting eachother. If I had stayed in contact with my ex over the last few months, I think a part of me would resent her because of the mixed signals. Now I look back fondly on her and I'm sure she feels the same about me...thankfully I didn't hang around to be the jealous ex-boyfriend. Keep up the good work and things will sort themselves out in time... Rich
  15. You have done things perfectly in my opinion! I did pretty much the same, although I only tried being my ex's "best friend" for a week or two. I couldn't handle it, and my true healing only started after I had initiated NC. The pressure is off you now. You tried to be friends with her but she gave mixed signals, as my ex did too. Comments like "there's always hope" and "who knows what will happen in the future" and "I bet we do end up back with eachother" drove me mad. If my ex, or your ex, want us back so badly then they will come and get us. Give her all the space in the world and one way or another she will decide what it is she wants...and in the meantime you won't be getting drawn into the confusion. Good luck and don't worry...you've done everything fine! Rich
  16. Sometimes it may be worth doing something like that for closure or whatever, but as you have contacted her on numerous occasions already without reply, then I would suggest you just move on and retain your dignity. It will feel better in the long run. Just my opinion of course. Good luck, Rich
  17. Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you are still hurting but 2.5 months isn't a long time so don't feel like you should be on top of the world already. These things take time...but in answer to your original question, yes things will improve for you and you'll find love again. Virtually everyone you speak to has been heartbroken at some stage in their life, and most of those people are now happy with their new partners. I think that you need to cut out any contact with him, and that means complete NC. Not speaking to him once a week as that makes it pointless because you know you'll soon be able to talk to him again. You won't be making much progress because you're getting a knock back every week. I did about 6 weeks total NC with my ex soon after the break up. As there was no animosity between us, I explained my reasons in an (emotional) phone call and told her why I couldn't be friends with her. Sure enough, about 6 weeks later she called me in a state and I found out that she was with someone new already. After 3.5 years together, first loves, etc...and she moved on just like that. But my point is, it didn't bother me too much, whereas it would have killed me had it happened whilst I was still in contact with her. It sounds like you are trying to employ one of the so-called 'strategies' to get your ex back. Personally I don't agree with them, but that's a whole different story! You are obviously not ready to be in contact with him at all, or try to act cool, or not to bring up any talk of the relationship, etc. thereforeeee a good amount of NC is needed, and I'm talking a few months at the very least...only that will make you feel better in the long run. Take care, Rich
  18. Hi, Oh noooooooooooooooo, I'm definitely not taking my ex on the trip! In fact, there's been no more contact since I posted that situation about 2 months ago. She contacted me a few times in consecutive days and I'll admit it threw me. But looking back, I am almost embarrassed by what I was thinking and I am just so glad that I didn't buckle and ask her if she wanted to come. The last couple of months have been stress free and I want to go to New Zealand and then Australia completely independent...not having to think about another person... The man who goes alone can start today, but he who travels with another must wait until that other is ready. --Henry David Thoreau I know what you mean about NC, I was just referring to a lot of posts I've seen recently where people have said they aren't a fan of NC. If those people are posting in the "Getting Back Together" forum, then maybe I can understand it. But not when it is in the "Healing..." forum. Take care, Rich
  19. Personally, I don't see how anyone could not be a fan of NC. What's the alternative? Stay in contact with the ex? I fail to see how that will help our healing. The day I told my ex I couldn't be friends was one of the best (although also hardest) things I have ever done.
  20. UK Steve gave some great advice here. It seems our exes often come crawling back when things take a turn for the worse in their lives. My ex did the same thing a couple of months ago when her rebound's mother died of cancer. While I obviously sympathise, it has nothing to do with me anymore and although I was concerned for my ex, I maintained a to-the-point tone when she called. I also reiterated that I couldn't stay "best friends" with her like she wanted. That was 2 months ago. Since then...nothing. That suits me fine because hearing her voice did set me back for a week or two. But the point is, she called out of selfish reasons. Yes it may have been unintentional, but it doesn't matter. She was taking advantage of my kind nature, but she didn't know that I had become a lot stronger during the previous weeks/months of no contact. To read more about it, go here: link removed So I would definitely not go and stay with her. It will set you back for sure, and your hopes will increase again, and you'll suffer another fall. I particularly like this quote: So true. Good luck and stay tough, Rich
  21. Hockeyboy, You have been a great help to me over the last few months...I really appreciate it. Our break ups happened at similar times and we have PM'd a lot since then, and we have kind of healed along side eachother. As this was my first long term serious relationship, I too can say that I have learned so much since July. I honestly feel that I am so much stronger now, so much more independent, and so much more knowledgeable and I think my next relationship will benefit from this. This whole year has been a nightmare to be honest, but I have realised that I have come through it and I have learnt some valuable lessons for the future, and you (along with so many others) have helped me so much. I'm glad I found this place! Take care, Rich
  22. Well said Trish! I think some of the early posters on this thread were confused about why we'd want to cut someone out of our life like that. Well, I can honestly say that I never wanted to cut my ex out of my life. I wish I could just be friends with her. In fact, telling her I couldn't be friends was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever done in my life! But I couldn't keep in contact with her while she was (inevitably) moving on quicker than me, meeting new guys, having fun, etc. The first few weeks of NC are so difficult but then it gradually becomes easier and easier. I know I've become stronger and stronger over the last few months as I've realised that I don't need her in my life in order to be happy. That alone is empowering. Looking back at how distraught I was, and how I've come through it all unscathed, well that's something to be proud of...same goes for everyone here. Plus there's no hiding from the mentality that doing NC makes the ex suffer a little bit. This was a large part of my mentality when I first started doing it. Over time it has become less and less, as now I am continuing with it for my own sanity! But why should we be treated as a doormat/back up while they are out enjoying themselves? By staying in contact, we are inadvertently making it easier for them to move on in life. By suddenly telling them that we can't be friends, it will shock them because at least in my case, I don't think my ex expected me to do that. I don't think she thought I'd be able to handle it. She was wrong... In fact, she was the one who initiated contact a couple of months after our break up. She was in a state and I felt really bad for her. But unfortunately our exes have to learn the hard way, just like we had to. Staying in contact does a lot for them, but nothing for us. No contact evens things up a little. In fact, it is a win-win situation in my opinion.
  23. Hi, I can relate to how you feel, and although I am not moving away permanently, I am going to New Zealand for up to 12 months as of February 17th 2005! I can't wait! If you've read any of my posts, you might know a bit about my story. Well back in July my ex dumped me because she wanted to be free and single, etc. Previous to this, we had discussed the idea of doing some travelling while we were still young, but she was less enthusiastic than me for various reasons (money, new job, didn't want to leave her mum, etc). Anyway, a couple of months ago I thought "why not?" and went ahead and booked up via link removed. It has diverted my attention away from my ex, and I have been working so hard to earn money to pay for it! But I will meet so many different people, and make so many new friends...I think travelling/spreading your wings is a great thing. I live in a pretty dull place in the north of England, and so many people around here are exactly the same, i.e. they just stay here their whole lives! I don't want to fall into that trap. Sure I'll miss my family a lot while I'm away, but I'm not ruling out the idea of living their permanently at some stage. "The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." -- St. Augustine Good luck... Rich
  24. First of all, ask for advice as many times as you like...that's what these forums are for! Second, don't beat yourself up about how you've acted over the last few weeks. You are a caring human being and it is incredibly difficult to let go. Besides, the fact that you have done the begging, crying etc will give your ex more of a shock when you do move on. That is so true. You've already seen glimpses of this, like when she called you about 100 times...and that was after just 2 days of no contact! Honestly, doing no contact for real this time will drive her crazy, and it will help you so much. Like I keep repeating, letting go is a win-win situation. I'm not going to lie, the next few weeks especially will be tough for you, especially as your ex will no doubt call. But as long as you are strong and stick to your guns, things will get better...and as a side issue, your chances of ever getting her back will increase. Keep posting...this place helped me lots during the days/weeks after letting go. Take care, Rich
  25. I know it's not much comfort, but I can relate to nearly every word you write. You are not alone with these feelings. We are only young though, and our time will come again. In the immediate aftermath of a break up, it's natural to put your ex on some kind of pedestal. I did it too. But no contact really does give you a whole new perspective on things, and maybe in a couple of months you will see things clearer. Of course it will still hurt, and you'll miss her, but you will begin to realise that maybe it was for the best that you broke up while you are still young... If you've seen it coming for a year, then your relationship obviously wasn't ideal. For about 6 months my ex acted distant towards me, and was more interested in her new friends than me. Well after a few weeks of no contact, I even started to get feelings of relief that everything had come to a head. I still get lonely now of course, but it actually feels a lot better than when I was sat at home alone, while she was going out to clubs and doing God knows what with other guys. As far as I'm concerned, she can sleep with a different guy every night now because we aren't together anymore. The only person who I focus on now is myself. Don't worry about what she does. Worry about yourself.
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