rich46

I'm interested in that sentence! What do you mean "for at least several months?" I've never been in the dumper's position, but is this how you feel? That you'll stick by your decision but reconsider in a few months? Sorry for the questions, just curious that's all! Rich 8)

Hi NYCB, Your situation is very similar to mine. Quick recap: -Met ex at uni -Together 3.5 years -Lived 100 miles apart for last year after uni finished. -She became distant over recent months and eventually said she needed "to be single for a while" and "to not have anyone to answer to." -She wanted us to remain "best friends" which I tried for 1 week but couldn't do it. -Told her I'd call her when I had things sorted out in my mind. -After 3 weeks of NC I called her and said I really really want to be friends but I can't do it. Told her to call me if she wanted to talk about us, or if she had any regrets. -That was 3 weeks ago. Anyway, I would advise you not to try to get answers from your ex, as you will probably be disappointed. I doubt she would give you clear answers, and if she is anything like my ex, then it will be the classic "It's not you, it's me." Maybe the distance did matter? Maybe she got cold feet at the prospect of moving in with you in January? Me and my ex were talking about this too, and I'm positive she felt she was too young to settle down. I don't have much advice about getting your things back, but you'll obviously have to break No Contact. Just be professional and to the point about it. Do you feel guilty sometimes about not being friends with your ex? I know it's stupid, but sometimes I think I'm the bad guy for not being able to be her friend. But it really would be too difficult for me... Good luck with everything, and I agree this site is excellent! Rich

Yes, I'm in the same boat as you lady00. Don't get me wrong, if she came back to me I would try and work things out with her. But I'm not ready to go through so much pain to get her back.

I can relate to that. My ex reached the age of 22 and wanted to do the clubbing thing with her new work friends. I can't help feeling like I've been replaced, but unfortunately there's nothing we can do. It's just a case of letting them get it out of their system, and hopefully they'll soon get bored of it. Who knows, when they do realise the grass isn't greener, it may be too late as we'll have moved on... I think what most people agree on is that there needs to be a period of No Contact after the break up to enable some essential healing time. You need to forget about winning her back at this point, and focus on YOU. Then I guess it is up to you whether you initiate contact with your ex, even though it may lead to more hurt... Good luck, Rich

Great points, that is exactly what happened in my relationship. She was acting more and more distant towards the end, but I didn't do anything about it. If the same thing happens again in a future relationship, I will try my hardest to not let these warning signs go on for months. I wish I'd confronted my ex about this a long time before I actually did...

He may well have come back, but the same thing would have happened further down the line. People like that will just keep jumping from relationship to relationship - they'll never be truly satisfied with what they've got. Rich

herewegoagain, If you were together for 4.5 years, she most definitely will still have feelings for you. She may not feel any remorse because like you say, she is with this new guy now (rebound!). BUT I honestly think that if you treated your ex well, then one day it will click what she has done by letting you go. It might be next month, or next year, or in 10 years. Plus it might take her to be treated like dirt before she realises it. She'll have to live with that on her conscience. It wouldn't surprise me if, when the honeymoon period of this rebound ends, she calls you. I would say after about 3-6 months, when things become less exciting than at first, she will start to realise. The difference is, we are going through this pain right now and dealing with it. So I think that we'll be stronger than they will be, because we've dealt with things NOW...rather than brushing over them and pretending they don't exist! Hope that made sense! Rich

Great stuff, thanks for sharing all the details with us! I think you would have done better to have turned down the sex with your ex. I don't think it is a good sign because why would she want to get back together with you? You have sex, you hang out, you cook dinner for her...why commit to a relationship? Back off for a while and be strong. Of course it is tempting to jump in the sack with her, but it doesn't do you any favours in the long term. She's got you wrapped around her little finger. Stand up for yourself and don't let her mess you about. Next time she "attacks" you, let her know that unless you are in a relationship then she won't be treated to the bedroom/bathroom gymnastics...

Trust me, it's not only boys who are like that!

They do it for purely selfish reasons, i.e. they want to keep you hanging by a thread in case they don't find someone or something 'better.' image removed

Great post there...erm, whatever your name is! Excellent advice.

At least you tried, and the fact that she hasn't had the decency to respond says it all really. So what's done is done. Don't worry about it, just get your head down and continue to move on. I can't really say much more. You aren't the first to contact your ex, and you certainly won't be the last! Just don't let it get you down. Good luck, Rich

Yes, NC is almost impossible in this case. But you can still take some of the main principles from it, and use them for YOU. You sound quite strong and determined and so I'm sure you'll be fine! He'll probably get bored of hanging around with this girl sooner or later. Then he'll come running back to you...again. Well wouldn't it be great if you had moved on and were too busy to hang out with him? Wouldn't it be great if you showed him that you won't be a door mat anymore? So get out there and have a good time, hang out with other people, and don't mope about after him. Show him that he isn't the only source of happiness in your life! image removed If you need to vent, then come here and do it! It will make you feel better! Good luck, Rich

I called her and told her, rather than email. We both cried but she said she understood. Like you I would look forward to speaking to her but then I would be given false hope, or I would feel angry/upset. It has been about a month since I called her. She has contacted me once to ask me about travel insurance (!) as she was going to Dublin with her new friend. I was friendly and gave her the info she needed, so there's no bad blood between us. But I am glad that I don't have to listen to what a great time she had in Dublin, all the Irishmen chatting her up etc. Ignorance is bliss - I'd prefer not to know! So have no regrets about your decision. Yes she may well have been upset when you emailed her saying you couldn't be friends, but deep down she will understand. It's a lot better this way, as she will have fond memories of you. If you stayed in touch, you wouldn't be able to heal as quickly, and some negative feelings may have ended up spilling out, i.e. anger, frustration, clingyness etc. So good luck. It's natural to miss her like mad, but rest assured you are doing the right thing. Rich

Hi bravegirl04, I will try and offer some advice, but I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you. It is a lot easier said than done, but you need to do the same as what he is doing to you. Obviously I would usually say NC is the way to go, but unfortunately it is not possible in this situation. But I'd distance yourself from him as much as poss, and let him know that he can't have you as a back up. Try and make other male friends, go on a couple of dates...anything. Just don't stress too much about your ex with this girl, and try your hardest not to interfere. Play him at his own game and he may change his attitude if he sees that you are capable of meeting other people/having a good time without him. I really feel for you, but you need to make some moves forward, however hard it may be. Good luck, Rich

Did you do the right thing? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! image removed You know yourself that you have done the right thing, and you sound like a really smart guy! I have done the same thing as you, and I also get doubts from time to time, but the harsh reality is that you can't be friends with your ex straight after a break up. No way. I sometimes feel bad because she was my best friend, but you have to be a little bit selfish right now. Do you seriously want to know the details of her relationship with this new guy? She will almost certainly be quick to tell you how wonderful he is...so stay away until you are completely over her. You are doing everything right, and you seem to be on the road to recovery...so keep on walking! Good luck, Rich image removed

I agree, MrMikeWikowski gave some great advice. You know what to do though, it's just a case of going through the pain and doing it. You seem like a tough guy though so I'm sure you'll come through! I just wanted to add that it is completely normal to have lost some self confidence and self esteem. I think I lost mine gradually over the last few weeks/couple of months of our relationship. The way she was becoming more and more distant, the fact that she was meeting all these new people and in a sense leaving me behind - that all took it's toll. I no longer felt wanted like I used to do, and it almost felt like it was a chore for her to call me. The final nail in the coffin was when she admitted that she needed to be single, free, time and space, etc. For about 4 weeks I hardly left the house unless I needed to. One night I went on a night out but it turned into a bit of a disaster. Like you, I found it hard to talk to the people there who I had never met before. They probably think I'm a bit weird, but I was literally thinking about my ex all night. I ended up drinking excessively and you don't wanna know the rest!!! But the last couple of weeks I've started to feel better...bit by bit. My confidence is slowly coming back, and hopefully soon it will be near the level it was when I first met my ex. Try not to think about the great time your ex is having - it really is unlikely that she is doing as well as you imagine in your mind. We naturally think the worst case scenario, but I doubt she is on cloud 9 all the time. Besides, you should be determined to make yourself happy, and eventually your self esteem and confidence will come back. Prove to yourself that you can be happy without her. You don't need her to be happy. Just give it time, and keep doing what your doing. Take care, Rich

100% you did the right thing! I know exactly how it feels trying to be friends with your ex when you haven't healed properly. I presume that your ex is pretty young if you are only 19, so maybe she doesn't realise how hard it is for you. Sometimes I feel guilty because I told my ex how I couldn't be "best friends" with her. Crazy I know, but it feels like we are the bad guys for not being able to be just friends. But you know what? Too bad! We have to think about ourselves right now, just like they did when they dumped us. So you have done the right thing...FOR YOU! I don't remember your story right now, but in general our exes need to deal with the consequences of finishing with us. We need to look after ourselves, and that means some essential healing time in the form of No Contact. Good luck, Rich

Yes and that is something that isn't going to happen in a hurry if you keep stressing about contacting her...

Hi Fill, I agree we are like mirror images but the one difference is the distance between us and our exes. If I only lived 2 miles away from her then I really don't know what I'd have done regarding speaking to her. For you there is obviously the issue of bumping into her when you are out. What will you do when you see her? Ignore her? Be friendly? It really is a tough call. I have felt a lot better since I got things off my chest a few weeks ago, when I called her. The pressure is off my shoulders and that has been a massive relief. It did set me back for a few days, definitely. Again I could hardly eat or sleep, but I wasn't anywhere near as bad as when it first happened. So I don't think you would be back to square one like you said. You'd be set back a little in the short term, but in the long term you may feel a lot better...? Only you can say whether you need to get this closure. All I can say is that it helped me, and thereforeeee I would never tell you 'Don't do it.' Do you think that she is aware of how you feel? Is she aware of your reasons for doing NC? Does she know that your door is slightly open for her? These are the questions that were preying on my mind, and that is why I called her. She knows that I am trying to move on in my life, but she knows to contact me should she want to talk about us. She knows that the door is open slightly. She knows why I am doing NC. She knows I really really want to be friends with her but it's not possible. So there's no bad blood between us, and I know that for a fact. If I never speak to her again, at least I know that we left it on good terms, with her knowing how much I love her and my reasons for doing NC. I'm pretty sure we will speak again though, although I don't think it will be through me initiating contact. Not for a long while anyway. So there are my feelings FOR getting this closure, or clarification...whatever you want to call it. Like I said, your situation is slightly different as you live close to her. Whether that changes things regards contacting her, I'm not sure. The hardest part of our break ups is that it's not like our exes hate us or anything - they are just going through this single, clubbing phase in their early twenties. It makes it hard to move on, because you still feel that if you just sit it out, then you could be together in say 12 months time. However, I think that is quite unrealistic, and if I stayed in contact with my ex for however long this phase lasted for, I could end up even more hurt further down the line. Plus I'd have wasted a large part of my life. You are doing everything right, definitely. Give a lot of thought to whether or not you call her, as it is definitely a tough one. Good luck and stay strong, Rich 8)

FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF THERE!!!!!! You deserve better. End of story.

Well said. Some people on here are always quick to blame the person who was dumped. NOT GOOD. Sometimes it is the dumper who is to blame. Every break up cannot be attributed to the dumpee being "too nice." I know people who seem so smarmy and OTT nice, yet have been with their partner for over 30 years, and are really happy! I say don't change. You didn't do anything "wrong" (what is all that about anyway, saying he did something "wrong?"). What is wrong? What is right? The truth is, when you find 'the one,' then you won't have to worry about all this nonsense. Things will be so natural. You won't have to read books on the art of seduction to keep the relationship going!

anon728 - brilliant advice, couldn't have summed it up better myself! herewegoagain - I'm not sure which is better, having your ex send you these light emails, or not contacting you at all. At least in your situation you should be able to move on quicker as you aren't having the setbacks of emails etc. If your ex contacted you to say Hi, it would probably make your day, but the following day you would have been set back a little. All the right advice is here for you. Print it out and keep reading it!!! Good luck, Rich

It is incredibly hard to move on! But we don't have any choice. It's only in the last couple of weeks that I've managed to pull myself together, and now I'm doing new things and applying for new jobs etc. I think about my ex a lot, but I don't think it is all the time like it was about a month ago. I have other things to occupy myself with. I still have the odd, unexplainable breakdown - like last night for example. But overall things are getting a little better and they will do for you too. It's just a case of being really strong and moving forward - it's certainly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But this website has helped me so much, and so I like giving advice to people in similar positions. It kind of drills it home to me too what must be done.

Why are you worrying your head about this right now??? Yes maybe one day you will have moved on and you'll be able to contact her as friends or whatever. But as you are only just starting NC, then try your hardest to forget about her. If you are constantly worrying about when to initiate contact, then this NC time is pretty much pointless. The idea is that you are moving forward IN YOUR OWN LIFE, and not wasting your time trying to get back with someone who is with another guy.