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It's weird because one of my friends didn't want to tell because he believed that "ignorance is bliss" and "what you don't know won't kill you", but another one did because he said that I should know about these things. So when they were debating over whether or not I should have known these things, a part of me agreed with both of them. I know I don't want to know things about my ex, but when I do hear certain things, it makes me want to find out more. It makes me want to put pieces to the puzzle. I was relieved that I didn't go that night because if I saw that, I would have been crushed seeing her in another man's arms. Another friend of mine told me I should have went and did the same things with other girls, maybe to make her jealous or show her that I moved on, but I know I couldn't have done that. I know I'd feel guilty. Right now I wish I lived 100 miles away from her. Being in the position I am, I know I have a good chance into bumping into her somewhere. It's a reason why I don't want to go clubbing. I've been invited by friends many times, but a part of me knows that I may see her there, just like I almost did the other night if I went. But knowing all these things she did it makes me feel like I don't want her back if she were to get over this phase and wanted to be back together again. Sphinx, I don't think I have unresolved issues with her. When we were dating I told her that it bugged me when she went clubbing, but she just brushed what I said off. She would say she didn't go too often, but in the last month of our relationship she went every weekend and then come back to me like everything was great while I was stuck at home being sad and thinking a lot of thoughts. She probably felt a bit of guilt when she did go clubbing knowing that I didn't like it too much, which probably led her to tell me she wanted to be single and not have any priorities, responsabilities, and committments so she could go off clubbing and be with all these guys. I would love to be more confident right now, but after she broke up with me it shattered my self-esteem, but I've been slowly regaining it back day by day. It's just hearing these things that makes me wanna run away and be alone. I know the day I regain my confidence back is the day I'm healed and totally over her.

Today I was pushed back into sad and depressing feelings about my ex again. It all started last night when a good friend of mine invited me to go clubbing with him. He was going with a girl who called him up. Since I barely had any sleep Friday night and I had to work all Saturday, I turned him down. I'm really glad I didn't go last night. This afternoon I hang out with the same group of friends that went to the club last night and they told me they saw my ex there too. When I first heard this I was relieved I didn't go because it has been a month since she broke it off with me and I've been doing NC ever since. After that he told me she was not only dancing, but freaking (dancing closely with your back towards the guys front, more of like a sexual kind of way of dancing) with another guy. That really sunk my heart. When I first heard this, my mind kept giving me visuals of her freaking with other guys. I know we're not together anymore, but when I heard that I felt so angry and jealous. I wanted to break something, just go nuts, but I controlled myself. After hearing that, I just wanted to be alone and crawl into my bed, but I was obligated to hang out with my friends. Once they went home, I went to this place at the beach to sit, think, and reflect on things. While I was sitting at the beach thinking, I rememebered that she went clubbing very often this year when we were still together. I never liked the fact that she went to clubs while we dated because I was insecure and worried that guys might hit on her. Now that I think about it she did tell me she danced with other guys. I'd get jealous when she told me about it, but I kinda understood that clubs are the types of places where she might meet other guys and dance and drink with them. But after what my friends told me, I wonder if she was "freaking" with other guys, getting close to them and letting them touch her. Back when we were together, I remember going to this one party and this girl asked me to dance. I didn't want to be mean and reject her so I went and danced with her, but I felt totally guilty doing that because I knew I had a girlfriend and it seemed like a sign of disrespect for me to go out dance with another girl. After dancing with her, I felt so bad. I ended up telling my ex that I danced with another girl and she was a little upset about it back then. Even recently, I went to a club a few weeks ago with some friends, but I couldn't dance with anybody because I still felt guilty because I'm not over my ex yet. After a half an hour of sitting and dwelling in my thoughts, I realized that I miss the person she once was. The person she was when we first started dating. Back then she wasn't into partying too much. She was much more settled, but I'd never imagine her being up in a club freaking with other guys, letting other guys buy her drinks and getting her drunk. Back then she was the one who made me stop smoking weed and drinking, but now she's out there drinking and doing those same things that she once didn't want me to do. Before she wasn't the type of girl who would flirt or dance really close with other guys. Even before she said she wouldn't even dance all freaky with me. I respected that in her, but now hearing all this has really got me thinking about things. It's got me thinking about the last 6 months of our relationship when she started going clubbing and I'm thinking how many guys has she danced with. I even asked her before if she was freaking other guys in the club, but she would say not, but now I don't if she was honestly telling the truth. Now I'm just sad thinking about a lot of things.

Thanks for the great advice again guys. Vimora, you made a good point. Lately I've been writing a journal. Whenever I was overwhelmed with thoughts, I would write in the journal. I never thought of writing in the journal in the middle of the night. Now I'm going to give it a try when I can't sleep because of all these thoughts about my ex running through my head. Last night I went out with a friend who is about to leave the country soon. She invited a few of her closest buddies along. One of her friends is single, so she wanted me to talk to her and get to know her better. I tried my best to make conversation with her, but I felt weird doing it. I kept thinking about my ex when I was talking to this girl. In my mind I wanted to be with my ex and talk to her instead of trying to start something with this new girl. I came to the conclusion that even after a month of NC, I'm not even ready to talk to new girls because I'm still missing my ex a whole lot.

Hey guys, thanks for all the great advice. Last week was pretty bad for me, as you guys can see, but now I'm feeling a much better than I was. I agree with you guys that your self-esteem takes a blow when your ex leaves you, which is very evident in my case. I can sympathize with Rich because his situation and mine are almost exactly alike. Even during this time of healing I can understand how he feels. Just like in his situation, when I do go out with people I find it hard to talk to people and focus in on what they're saying because my mind is constantly on my ex. Recently I've been regaining my confidence slowly. I know its going to be a long process till I'm completely healed. I also have a couple of questions that have been brewing in my head. The first is how do you get a good nights worth of sleep. I've been feelinge fatigued as of late. I'm usually very tired when I go to sleep at night, but I either end up waking up early or can't sleep because I have thoughts running through my head. Usually these thoughts are about my ex, but they don't seem to be painful thoughts. Can anybody offer any advice? My next question is when you are completely healed and over your ex, should you contact her? One of my friends whose in a relationship right now told me he has never kept in touch or called any of his exes, even though he is completely over her. He didn't have much of an explanation to back up his point, but it got me thinking about it. Say I am all healed and over her, should I try to contact her? I mean if I do contact her, does it mean I'm not over her? I know its going to be a tough road ahead trying to rebuild a friendship after a long period of NC, but would it be right because sometimes I think that I might not be over her if I do contact her, Sometimes I think that when I find somebody new that I love, that means that I'm over her and maybe that would be the right time to contact her again. Any comments on advice on this too?

I agree with Oatmeal, this post should be stickied to the top of this page. That was great advice "-". Thanks ^_^

Hey Sally, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know it's been hard for you these recently, but take it one day at a time. It's cool that you met a guy you were attracted to recently, but I would recommend you to heal before you get back out there. I sorta understand your situation. After my ex left me I wanted that feeling of being loved and appreciated by someone again. During my third week of NC, I actually wanted to look for somebody. I tried to talk to this one woman, but I soon realized that I was comparing her to my ex and it wasn't right. I would look at her and compare her personality with my ex and I realized this wasn't right. I made the mistake of thinking I was over my ex and ready to jump back into the dating process all over again. Like you said, you also pointed out a negative that haunted you during your relationship with your ex which also caused you to feel past feelings when the new guy didn't reply to your e-mail. Right now I'm in the 5th week of NC and I'm feeling a little better than I was a week ago and now I realize that I won't even look for another woman until I am completely over my ex. I'll know when that'll be when I won't compare the new person I'm trying to win over with my past. My advice is to just take it easy, take it day by day, and heal at your own pace. The people on this forum gave you great advice, so try to soak that in and heal. Good luck with your situation. PM me if you need.

This has been the toughest week since the day my ex left me. Here's a quick recap of my relationship with my ex, [link removed a link to the whole story) : -Both of us are 22 -Dated 3.5 years -She is first girlfriend and first love. -Broke up 4 times over a period of 2 months. This was during the end of our relationship. -The reason she wanted to break up was because she wanted to be single, was too young in life to be committed to one person, and didn't want any priorities in her life. -After the last break up she decides she wants us to be best friends. I tried it out for a week, but I couldn't shake the feelings of pain and jealousy when she told me she went out on dinner dates and dancing with other guys in clubs. -I sent her a letter letting her know that I wouldn't communicate with her or be her best friend, let alone being a friend, until my feelings for her die down. -I've been on NC for the past 4 weeks. -After two weeks of NC she e-mails me regarding getting her computer back, but she also mentioned that she misses having me around and misses having me as her best friend. [link removed a link to the e-mail) -Last week she decided to come by my house and drop off a b-day gift for me. Although that was very thoughtful and sweet, seeing her has thrown me back. [link removed a link to that whole situation) Well it's almost been a week since I last saw her, but after seeing her it felt like somebody threw some salt on my open wounds. This has been the roughest week for me since she left me. I constantly think about her day and night, and I've been losing a lot of sleep. She's constantly on my mind everywhere I go. What's even worse is that I just started my last year of college and it's been tough on me. I can't seem to concentrate when I'm in class and it feels like I want to take this semester off because I don't feel like doing anything but mope around. It feels like I lost all motivation to do things. After receiving all the syllabi from all my classes and looking at all the work I have to do this upcoming semester, I feel like I just want to give up. I feel it's hard to anything when she's not around. Maybe it's because I just saw her last week, I dunno, but after she came by everything seemed to turn all bad for me. My social life has also turned for the worst. I've been able to connect and talk with old friends from the past, people I met before and during my relationshipw with her, but I can't seem to make or hold a conversation with new people. I've been trying to take all the advice on this forum and go out and meet new people, but it doesn't seem to be happening for me. Sometimes I don't even try to approach people because mind is focused on my ex and how much pain this has been. When I do try to make conversation, I don't really know what to say. It always end up being short like "What classes are you taking?" and that's basically it. Before I dated my ex I was comfortable meeting and talking to new people. Now I get this anxiety running through me when I approach somebody or when somebody talks to me. I dunno what it is, but I feel like I lost my self confidence after my ex left me. I've been stuck in a rut not knowing what to do. I want to go out and meet new people, but it seems like I'm stuck wallowing in my pain. Another thing that has been getting to me is when I'm out and trying to meet new people, I get thoughts of my ex meeting new people and her being successful in doing so because all her friends she hangs out with now are people she met in her college, while the group of friends I hang out with are people I met back in high school. I get jealous over the thought of this because at times it makes me feel a bit inferior to her and when I do try to meet new people and when I'm not able to connect with them, I feel like I have failed. I feel like my self-esteem has taken a hit after she left me. I'm really having a hard time letting go and moving on. I've read a few books that said to tell yourself it's over and not look back, which I've been doing, but after she showed up last week, a huge part of me wants to be back with her. I keep having thoughts of her having fun and enjoying her life which leaves me frozen in my tracks and puts me in a lot of pain because I feel like I've been suffering a lot since the break up. I've also been having lots of thoughts of her being with other guys and this really fires me up. I know that these thoughts aren't true, but I keep picturing her being with somebody else and these thoughts are getting me upset. Its been a very tough week for me. I feel like giving up on everything and crawl into bed. I feel very stressed this week and it always reminds me that when I'm stressed I would be able to call her and talk to her about it, but now its not possible. I just needed to get this off my chest. This has been with me for the past week.

If you have a strong heart and won't let your feelings get in the way of her new relationship, then yeah go for the friendship. But the best thing to do if your feelings for her are strong, you should go back to NC. If I were in your situation, I would try my best to be happy for her, but I would not contact her nor let her contact me. I wouldn't want to hear about her and how she's doing with her new bf and how much fun she's having with him. The best thing to do is try to move on with your life and let go. It's going to be a hard process trying to separate your feelings from her, but take it one day at a time. Sooner or later, these feelings will be transfered to another woman who is 10X better than the ex.

Great poem landclark. Just like kungfumaster said, I really like the last line. I hope to one day to cope with my loss, get by, and find a way... =D

vimora, I know how you're feeling. After my ex left me I still checked my e-mail and caller i.d. hoping she would leave a message or call. I wouldn't get angry, but I guess I felt disappointed when I found nothing. Well one day she did end up e-mailing me and it totally threw me for a spin. I went back to square one and I was depressed for a few days. I dunno what happened in your situation, but I'm in the same position you're in. My ex left me a month ago too. Just like you I'd have those days where you think thoughts of why you would never want to get back, but your heart wants that person back so bad. I guess what we both have to do now is learn to let go. Even though its gonna be a hard process we gotta stop checking our emails and messages on a regular basis or not check them when your mind wants you to check because you think the ex might have left a message. All the people on this fourm have gave great advice but the one piece of advice I've taken to heart is to take it one day at a time. Your mind may wander to the past or future, but try your hardest to focus on what you're doing now. One more thing, happy birthday to you (although its not gonna be your bday for another 2 days =P). Enjoy your evening with your friends and hopefully that will take your mind off your ex.

As usual, you guys give great advice and I thank you for it. altoids144 I completely understand what you went through. After I saw my ex last Friday, I couldn't shake the thought of her from my head. I kept replaying that scene and I kept noticing how beautiful and unique she is and that she's the only woman who I want to be with. It's been difficult for me since the day I saw her and I still can't erase her from my head. I'm still doing NC and it's been 4 weeks now since I contacted her, but she e-mailed me once and saw me a few days ago, so I think I'm back on day one. sandbox2832, I agree with you that small contact with your ex does bring back good memories that you miss. After seeing my ex for the first time in a month brought back a wave of good memories from the past within these last few days. I would remember how we'd call each other at anytime of the day to just say hi and see how each of us were doing or whenever I get into a funny situation she'd be the first person I would call to tell. I wish I had your strength and say "I'm tired of hiding" just like you. This past month I avoided doing a few things or going places where I could potentially see my ex, especially at the malls. After seeing her last week, I realized that it has thrown me back a lot and I want to avoid going back to this point again. rich46, I read through all your posts from the time you first started posting here and like you said we're in the exact same situation. You're like a mirror image of me somewhere else. Thanks for all the great advice you've been giving. I really appreciate it. After talking to a friend Saturday, he said the exact same thing you said about our exes, they are a bit selfish in wanting to break up, but yet still be "best friends". He told me that it's almost impossible to be best friends with somebody you still love and care for deeply in a couple way. They're probably stringing you along being their emotional support when they need somebody to talk to without having the commitment of a relationship or they may be out there testing the field and when they can't find somebody, they run back to the person whose been there waiting on them. Even after my ex dumped me, she still talked about being with me in the future and cooking me dinner, but at the same time she went on lunch and dinner dates with other guys which got me really jealous. This was one of the main reasons I initiated NC, because I couldn't stand hearing her stories of going out with other guys or meeting and dancing with guys at clubs. I wish I was in your situation living 100 miles away from my ex instead of 2 miles. I have a high chance of seeing her everyday and that is something I really try my best to avoid. Lately I've been thinking about taking you up on your advice of contacting her for some closure. I want to tell her how I still feel about us and how I felt when she showed up at my door after I haven't seen her for a month. One thing is that I don't want to be thrown back to the very beginning and be back at square one of my healing again. I also want to tell her something similar to what you said to your ex, that she should contact me if she changed her mind about us, or wanted to talk about us, but that's all I really want to hear, I don't want her to call and talk about how her day was or what she's been doing because it'll throw me for a loop. I don't know if I should do this though because it feels like I might be able to let go because I know that I still have the door open for her when she wants to return. What would you guys suggest?

1) 3.5 years 2) 1 month 3) Said she wanted to be single, didn't want to be committed, didn't want any priorities or burdens in her life, etc. 4) Both 22

Hey Lisaria, I just went through the same predicament you are dreading, the upcoming birthday. Yesterday was my birthday and my ex came by to my house and dropped off a card and a gift. I was just like you for the past week because I was dreading the day I might have to see my ex. Well all my fears came true and it threw me back a few steps. I was so sad when I saw her I couldn't even muster up some conversation. She handed me my gift and said happy birthday and I said thanks. Right when she was about to walk away, she looked like she was about to cry, so I tried my hardest to make some conversation. I asked her what she's been up to and she kept it short and she asked me the same and I didn't say much neither. She ended up leaving after that 30 second conversation and I ended up having a terrible evening. All I could think about was her and I couldn't focus my mind nor heart in having fun. I don't know too much about your situation with your ex, but I hope you won't have to go through the same ordeal as I went through with my ex. If your ex does show up and greets you with a gift, it'll definitely be great, but it can also throw you back a few steps and leave you thinking and wondering about things. I agree with you that in time you will heal. The best advice I got and can offer is to take it one day at a time. Your mind will constantly wonder about the future, but the hard part is to train it to focus on now, not the past or the future, but what you're going to do now. Good luck to you on your b'day and I hope you have the most wonderful time. Take care!

Thanks for all the great replies and advice guys, this really means a lot to me. Last night was one of the worst nights I've ever had since the break up. I hung out with a group of friends, but I felt all alone among the pack. Even though people were there and I mingled amongst them, my heart and mind weren't really there. All I was thinking about was my ex. After seeing her yesterday it really threw my healing backwards. All my old emotional wounds reappeared and I felt so vulnerable. I was almost to the point of asking her to stay yesterday and be with me because she was the only person I wanted to be with after seeing her yesterday. K8tie Kool, I kept trying not to think about her last night, but my heart and mind were fixated on her after seeing her in person. It's been more than 3 weeks since I saw her. During that time I was doing NC, I realized that I needed to get over her and let go, but everything fell apart yesterday. I've also was reading the card she gave me yesterday, trying to see why she would do something for me on my birthday. I know that she is a very kind and considerate person, but I would also assume that she would know I was in pain. I told her a month ago that I wouldn't contact her nor see her so it would give me time to get over her. Well here's what she said in my card: "How's it going? I know it's been awhile since we talked, so I hope you are doing well. I just wanted to wish you a Happy 22nd Birthday. I would love to take you out to dinner, but I know you would not accept my offer. Remember that I still owe you dinner when I get my first paycheck? You promised me too, so hopefully you would give me the chance one day. Well, I just wanted to say happy birthday and I know you probably are going to party hard with your friends. Just remember to stay safe, ok? I'll always be here whenever you feel ready to talk again. I really miss having you as my best friend. As for now, I hope you enjoy your present and I have the receipt if you want to return them. Happy Birthday and hope all your wishes come true!!!" A part of me was happy that she would go out of her way to do this for me, but a part of me is asking why did she have to go do this. She should know that I'm still trying to get over her, but now it feels like I'm holding on again, hoping that we'll have a chance to get back together. I don't even know if I should take this gift. I want to drop it back off at her house and let her know that I can't accept this because of how I'm feeling at the moment. I can't help it, I still love this girl with all my heart and she means the world to me. When I saw her yesterday and she handed me the gift, she looked like she was about to cry. I just wanted to just wrap my arms around her again and be like how we were in the past. Knowing her, I know she its not likely she'll contact me again because the ball is in my court now. A big part of me wants to e-mail her and setup a day where we can talk and find closure in all this. I want her to understand that I'm not upset at her in anyway and I hope that she's not in pain, but I also want her to know that I can't be friends with her, let alone be her best friend until I completely get over her. This is so hard. This girl was my first love. This is the first girl I've ever went on a date with. We always told each other that we'd get married and settle down with each other. Now all my dreams and aspirations have been shattered. It feels so hard to show all this love and compassion to another person after somebody shatters your heart.

Before I get into this, here's my story in a nutshell. After 3.5 years of dating, my girlfriend desides to break-up because she wanted to be single and free. I could understand it because she's 22 years old and she wanted to experience more things before being tied down. Even though I understood, it still broke my heart. I begged and pleaded, but it didn't work. I initiated no contact after one week of being friends. After two weeks of NC she e-mails me and says she misses me and misses me being her best friend. This tore me up inside. It took me a few days to get back to normal. Today my ex came by and dropped off a gift for my birthday. I had to see her because she called and said she was coming. When I saw her all my feelings came rushing back. I wanted to hug her and kiss her again, but I knew I can't. I was really aloof talking to her. I just said I've been busy and kept it really light. We talked for no more than 30 seconds and she said that I must have been busy so she'd leave me alone. I said yeah and she drove away. I wanted to tell her to stay and be with me today. It feels like I've taken 100 steps back after 3 weeks of NC. After she left, I read the card she gave me and it said that she still misses me as her best friend and when I'm ready to talk again she'll be there. During the three weeks, I told myself to move on and let go of this woman. After reading the card I want to hang on again and be there for her. I want her back now. She looked amazing when I saw her. I wanted to be the man in her life again. Right now I just want to crawl into bed and stay away from everybody. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm going crazy.