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It's weird because one of my friends didn't want to tell because he believed that "ignorance is bliss" and "what you don't know won't kill you", but another one did because he said that I should know about these things. So when they were debating over whether or not I should have known these things, a part of me agreed with both of them. I know I don't want to know things about my ex, but when I do hear certain things, it makes me want to find out more. It makes me want to put pieces to the puzzle. I was relieved that I didn't go that night because if I saw that, I would have been crushed seeing her in another man's arms. Another friend of mine told me I should have went and did the same things with other girls, maybe to make her jealous or show her that I moved on, but I know I couldn't have done that. I know I'd feel guilty. Right now I wish I lived 100 miles away from her. Being in the position I am, I know I have a good chance into bumping into her somewhere. It's a reason why I don't want to go clubbing. I've been invited by friends many times, but a part of me knows that I may see her there, just like I almost did the other night if I went. But knowing all these things she did it makes me feel like I don't want her back if she were to get over this phase and wanted to be back together again. Sphinx, I don't think I have unresolved issues with her. When we were dating I told her that it bugged me when she went clubbing, but she just brushed what I said off. She would say she didn't go too often, but in the last month of our relationship she went every weekend and then come back to me like everything was great while I was stuck at home being sad and thinking a lot of thoughts. She probably felt a bit of guilt when she did go clubbing knowing that I didn't like it too much, which probably led her to tell me she wanted to be single and not have any priorities, responsabilities, and committments so she could go off clubbing and be with all these guys. I would love to be more confident right now, but after she broke up with me it shattered my self-esteem, but I've been slowly regaining it back day by day. It's just hearing these things that makes me wanna run away and be alone. I know the day I regain my confidence back is the day I'm healed and totally over her.

Today I was pushed back into sad and depressing feelings about my ex again. It all started last night when a good friend of mine invited me to go clubbing with him. He was going with a girl who called him up. Since I barely had any sleep Friday night and I had to work all Saturday, I turned him down. I'm really glad I didn't go last night. This afternoon I hang out with the same group of friends that went to the club last night and they told me they saw my ex there too. When I first heard this I was relieved I didn't go because it has been a month since she broke it off with me and I've been doing NC ever since. After that he told me she was not only dancing, but freaking (dancing closely with your back towards the guys front, more of like a sexual kind of way of dancing) with another guy. That really sunk my heart. When I first heard this, my mind kept giving me visuals of her freaking with other guys. I know we're not together anymore, but when I heard that I felt so angry and jealous. I wanted to break something, just go nuts, but I controlled myself. After hearing that, I just wanted to be alone and crawl into my bed, but I was obligated to hang out with my friends. Once they went home, I went to this place at the beach to sit, think, and reflect on things. While I was sitting at the beach thinking, I rememebered that she went clubbing very often this year when we were still together. I never liked the fact that she went to clubs while we dated because I was insecure and worried that guys might hit on her. Now that I think about it she did tell me she danced with other guys. I'd get jealous when she told me about it, but I kinda understood that clubs are the types of places where she might meet other guys and dance and drink with them. But after what my friends told me, I wonder if she was "freaking" with other guys, getting close to them and letting them touch her. Back when we were together, I remember going to this one party and this girl asked me to dance. I didn't want to be mean and reject her so I went and danced with her, but I felt totally guilty doing that because I knew I had a girlfriend and it seemed like a sign of disrespect for me to go out dance with another girl. After dancing with her, I felt so bad. I ended up telling my ex that I danced with another girl and she was a little upset about it back then. Even recently, I went to a club a few weeks ago with some friends, but I couldn't dance with anybody because I still felt guilty because I'm not over my ex yet. After a half an hour of sitting and dwelling in my thoughts, I realized that I miss the person she once was. The person she was when we first started dating. Back then she wasn't into partying too much. She was much more settled, but I'd never imagine her being up in a club freaking with other guys, letting other guys buy her drinks and getting her drunk. Back then she was the one who made me stop smoking weed and drinking, but now she's out there drinking and doing those same things that she once didn't want me to do. Before she wasn't the type of girl who would flirt or dance really close with other guys. Even before she said she wouldn't even dance all freaky with me. I respected that in her, but now hearing all this has really got me thinking about things. It's got me thinking about the last 6 months of our relationship when she started going clubbing and I'm thinking how many guys has she danced with. I even asked her before if she was freaking other guys in the club, but she would say not, but now I don't if she was honestly telling the truth. Now I'm just sad thinking about a lot of things.

Thanks for the great advice again guys. Vimora, you made a good point. Lately I've been writing a journal. Whenever I was overwhelmed with thoughts, I would write in the journal. I never thought of writing in the journal in the middle of the night. Now I'm going to give it a try when I can't sleep because of all these thoughts about my ex running through my head. Last night I went out with a friend who is about to leave the country soon. She invited a few of her closest buddies along. One of her friends is single, so she wanted me to talk to her and get to know her better. I tried my best to make conversation with her, but I felt weird doing it. I kept thinking about my ex when I was talking to this girl. In my mind I wanted to be with my ex and talk to her instead of trying to start something with this new girl. I came to the conclusion that even after a month of NC, I'm not even ready to talk to new girls because I'm still missing my ex a whole lot.

Hey guys, thanks for all the great advice. Last week was pretty bad for me, as you guys can see, but now I'm feeling a much better than I was. I agree with you guys that your self-esteem takes a blow when your ex leaves you, which is very evident in my case. I can sympathize with Rich because his situation and mine are almost exactly alike. Even during this time of healing I can understand how he feels. Just like in his situation, when I do go out with people I find it hard to talk to people and focus in on what they're saying because my mind is constantly on my ex. Recently I've been regaining my confidence slowly. I know its going to be a long process till I'm completely healed. I also have a couple of questions that have been brewing in my head. The first is how do you get a good nights worth of sleep. I've been feelinge fatigued as of late. I'm usually very tired when I go to sleep at night, but I either end up waking up early or can't sleep because I have thoughts running through my head. Usually these thoughts are about my ex, but they don't seem to be painful thoughts. Can anybody offer any advice? My next question is when you are completely healed and over your ex, should you contact her? One of my friends whose in a relationship right now told me he has never kept in touch or called any of his exes, even though he is completely over her. He didn't have much of an explanation to back up his point, but it got me thinking about it. Say I am all healed and over her, should I try to contact her? I mean if I do contact her, does it mean I'm not over her? I know its going to be a tough road ahead trying to rebuild a friendship after a long period of NC, but would it be right because sometimes I think that I might not be over her if I do contact her, Sometimes I think that when I find somebody new that I love, that means that I'm over her and maybe that would be the right time to contact her again. Any comments on advice on this too?

I agree with Oatmeal, this post should be stickied to the top of this page. That was great advice "-". Thanks ^_^

Hey Sally, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know it's been hard for you these recently, but take it one day at a time. It's cool that you met a guy you were attracted to recently, but I would recommend you to heal before you get back out there. I sorta understand your situation. After my ex left me I wanted that feeling of being loved and appreciated by someone again. During my third week of NC, I actually wanted to look for somebody. I tried to talk to this one woman, but I soon realized that I was comparing her to my ex and it wasn't right. I would look at her and compare her personality with my ex and I realized this wasn't right. I made the mistake of thinking I was over my ex and ready to jump back into the dating process all over again. Like you said, you also pointed out a negative that haunted you during your relationship with your ex which also caused you to feel past feelings when the new guy didn't reply to your e-mail. Right now I'm in the 5th week of NC and I'm feeling a little better than I was a week ago and now I realize that I won't even look for another woman until I am completely over my ex. I'll know when that'll be when I won't compare the new person I'm trying to win over with my past. My advice is to just take it easy, take it day by day, and heal at your own pace. The people on this forum gave you great advice, so try to soak that in and heal. Good luck with your situation. PM me if you need.

This has been the toughest week since the day my ex left me. Here's a quick recap of my relationship with my ex, [link removed a link to the whole story) : -Both of us are 22 -Dated 3.5 years -She is first girlfriend and first love. -Broke up 4 times over a period of 2 months. This was during the end of our relationship. -The reason she wanted to break up was because she wanted to be single, was too young in life to be committed to one person, and didn't want any priorities in her life. -After the last break up she decides she wants us to be best friends. I tried it out for a week, but I couldn't shake the feelings of pain and jealousy when she told me she went out on dinner dates and dancing with other guys in clubs. -I sent her a letter letting her know that I wouldn't communicate with her or be her best friend, let alone being a friend, until my feelings for her die down. -I've been on NC for the past 4 weeks. -After two weeks of NC she e-mails me regarding getting her computer back, but she also mentioned that she misses having me around and misses having me as her best friend. [link removed a link to the e-mail) -Last week she decided to come by my house and drop off a b-day gift for me. Although that was very thoughtful and sweet, seeing her has thrown me back. [link removed a link to that whole situation) Well it's almost been a week since I last saw her, but after seeing her it felt like somebody threw some salt on my open wounds. This has been the roughest week for me since she left me. I constantly think about her day and night, and I've been losing a lot of sleep. She's constantly on my mind everywhere I go. What's even worse is that I just started my last year of college and it's been tough on me. I can't seem to concentrate when I'm in class and it feels like I want to take this semester off because I don't feel like doing anything but mope around. It feels like I lost all motivation to do things. After receiving all the syllabi from all my classes and looking at all the work I have to do this upcoming semester, I feel like I just want to give up. I feel it's hard to anything when she's not around. Maybe it's because I just saw her last week, I dunno, but after she came by everything seemed to turn all bad for me. My social life has also turned for the worst. I've been able to connect and talk with old friends from the past, people I met before and during my relationshipw with her, but I can't seem to make or hold a conversation with new people. I've been trying to take all the advice on this forum and go out and meet new people, but it doesn't seem to be happening for me. Sometimes I don't even try to approach people because mind is focused on my ex and how much pain this has been. When I do try to make conversation, I don't really know what to say. It always end up being short like "What classes are you taking?" and that's basically it. Before I dated my ex I was comfortable meeting and talking to new people. Now I get this anxiety running through me when I approach somebody or when somebody talks to me. I dunno what it is, but I feel like I lost my self confidence after my ex left me. I've been stuck in a rut not knowing what to do. I want to go out and meet new people, but it seems like I'm stuck wallowing in my pain. Another thing that has been getting to me is when I'm out and trying to meet new people, I get thoughts of my ex meeting new people and her being successful in doing so because all her friends she hangs out with now are people she met in her college, while the group of friends I hang out with are people I met back in high school. I get jealous over the thought of this because at times it makes me feel a bit inferior to her and when I do try to meet new people and when I'm not able to connect with them, I feel like I have failed. I feel like my self-esteem has taken a hit after she left me. I'm really having a hard time letting go and moving on. I've read a few books that said to tell yourself it's over and not look back, which I've been doing, but after she showed up last week, a huge part of me wants to be back with her. I keep having thoughts of her having fun and enjoying her life which leaves me frozen in my tracks and puts me in a lot of pain because I feel like I've been suffering a lot since the break up. I've also been having lots of thoughts of her being with other guys and this really fires me up. I know that these thoughts aren't true, but I keep picturing her being with somebody else and these thoughts are getting me upset. Its been a very tough week for me. I feel like giving up on everything and crawl into bed. I feel very stressed this week and it always reminds me that when I'm stressed I would be able to call her and talk to her about it, but now its not possible. I just needed to get this off my chest. This has been with me for the past week.

If you have a strong heart and won't let your feelings get in the way of her new relationship, then yeah go for the friendship. But the best thing to do if your feelings for her are strong, you should go back to NC. If I were in your situation, I would try my best to be happy for her, but I would not contact her nor let her contact me. I wouldn't want to hear about her and how she's doing with her new bf and how much fun she's having with him. The best thing to do is try to move on with your life and let go. It's going to be a hard process trying to separate your feelings from her, but take it one day at a time. Sooner or later, these feelings will be transfered to another woman who is 10X better than the ex.

Great poem landclark. Just like kungfumaster said, I really like the last line. I hope to one day to cope with my loss, get by, and find a way... =D

vimora, I know how you're feeling. After my ex left me I still checked my e-mail and caller i.d. hoping she would leave a message or call. I wouldn't get angry, but I guess I felt disappointed when I found nothing. Well one day she did end up e-mailing me and it totally threw me for a spin. I went back to square one and I was depressed for a few days. I dunno what happened in your situation, but I'm in the same position you're in. My ex left me a month ago too. Just like you I'd have those days where you think thoughts of why you would never want to get back, but your heart wants that person back so bad. I guess what we both have to do now is learn to let go. Even though its gonna be a hard process we gotta stop checking our emails and messages on a regular basis or not check them when your mind wants you to check because you think the ex might have left a message. All the people on this fourm have gave great advice but the one piece of advice I've taken to heart is to take it one day at a time. Your mind may wander to the past or future, but try your hardest to focus on what you're doing now. One more thing, happy birthday to you (although its not gonna be your bday for another 2 days =P). Enjoy your evening with your friends and hopefully that will take your mind off your ex.

As usual, you guys give great advice and I thank you for it. altoids144 I completely understand what you went through. After I saw my ex last Friday, I couldn't shake the thought of her from my head. I kept replaying that scene and I kept noticing how beautiful and unique she is and that she's the only woman who I want to be with. It's been difficult for me since the day I saw her and I still can't erase her from my head. I'm still doing NC and it's been 4 weeks now since I contacted her, but she e-mailed me once and saw me a few days ago, so I think I'm back on day one. sandbox2832, I agree with you that small contact with your ex does bring back good memories that you miss. After seeing my ex for the first time in a month brought back a wave of good memories from the past within these last few days. I would remember how we'd call each other at anytime of the day to just say hi and see how each of us were doing or whenever I get into a funny situation she'd be the first person I would call to tell. I wish I had your strength and say "I'm tired of hiding" just like you. This past month I avoided doing a few things or going places where I could potentially see my ex, especially at the malls. After seeing her last week, I realized that it has thrown me back a lot and I want to avoid going back to this point again. rich46, I read through all your posts from the time you first started posting here and like you said we're in the exact same situation. You're like a mirror image of me somewhere else. Thanks for all the great advice you've been giving. I really appreciate it. After talking to a friend Saturday, he said the exact same thing you said about our exes, they are a bit selfish in wanting to break up, but yet still be "best friends". He told me that it's almost impossible to be best friends with somebody you still love and care for deeply in a couple way. They're probably stringing you along being their emotional support when they need somebody to talk to without having the commitment of a relationship or they may be out there testing the field and when they can't find somebody, they run back to the person whose been there waiting on them. Even after my ex dumped me, she still talked about being with me in the future and cooking me dinner, but at the same time she went on lunch and dinner dates with other guys which got me really jealous. This was one of the main reasons I initiated NC, because I couldn't stand hearing her stories of going out with other guys or meeting and dancing with guys at clubs. I wish I was in your situation living 100 miles away from my ex instead of 2 miles. I have a high chance of seeing her everyday and that is something I really try my best to avoid. Lately I've been thinking about taking you up on your advice of contacting her for some closure. I want to tell her how I still feel about us and how I felt when she showed up at my door after I haven't seen her for a month. One thing is that I don't want to be thrown back to the very beginning and be back at square one of my healing again. I also want to tell her something similar to what you said to your ex, that she should contact me if she changed her mind about us, or wanted to talk about us, but that's all I really want to hear, I don't want her to call and talk about how her day was or what she's been doing because it'll throw me for a loop. I don't know if I should do this though because it feels like I might be able to let go because I know that I still have the door open for her when she wants to return. What would you guys suggest?

1) 3.5 years 2) 1 month 3) Said she wanted to be single, didn't want to be committed, didn't want any priorities or burdens in her life, etc. 4) Both 22

Hey Lisaria, I just went through the same predicament you are dreading, the upcoming birthday. Yesterday was my birthday and my ex came by to my house and dropped off a card and a gift. I was just like you for the past week because I was dreading the day I might have to see my ex. Well all my fears came true and it threw me back a few steps. I was so sad when I saw her I couldn't even muster up some conversation. She handed me my gift and said happy birthday and I said thanks. Right when she was about to walk away, she looked like she was about to cry, so I tried my hardest to make some conversation. I asked her what she's been up to and she kept it short and she asked me the same and I didn't say much neither. She ended up leaving after that 30 second conversation and I ended up having a terrible evening. All I could think about was her and I couldn't focus my mind nor heart in having fun. I don't know too much about your situation with your ex, but I hope you won't have to go through the same ordeal as I went through with my ex. If your ex does show up and greets you with a gift, it'll definitely be great, but it can also throw you back a few steps and leave you thinking and wondering about things. I agree with you that in time you will heal. The best advice I got and can offer is to take it one day at a time. Your mind will constantly wonder about the future, but the hard part is to train it to focus on now, not the past or the future, but what you're going to do now. Good luck to you on your b'day and I hope you have the most wonderful time. Take care!

Thanks for all the great replies and advice guys, this really means a lot to me. Last night was one of the worst nights I've ever had since the break up. I hung out with a group of friends, but I felt all alone among the pack. Even though people were there and I mingled amongst them, my heart and mind weren't really there. All I was thinking about was my ex. After seeing her yesterday it really threw my healing backwards. All my old emotional wounds reappeared and I felt so vulnerable. I was almost to the point of asking her to stay yesterday and be with me because she was the only person I wanted to be with after seeing her yesterday. K8tie Kool, I kept trying not to think about her last night, but my heart and mind were fixated on her after seeing her in person. It's been more than 3 weeks since I saw her. During that time I was doing NC, I realized that I needed to get over her and let go, but everything fell apart yesterday. I've also was reading the card she gave me yesterday, trying to see why she would do something for me on my birthday. I know that she is a very kind and considerate person, but I would also assume that she would know I was in pain. I told her a month ago that I wouldn't contact her nor see her so it would give me time to get over her. Well here's what she said in my card: "How's it going? I know it's been awhile since we talked, so I hope you are doing well. I just wanted to wish you a Happy 22nd Birthday. I would love to take you out to dinner, but I know you would not accept my offer. Remember that I still owe you dinner when I get my first paycheck? You promised me too, so hopefully you would give me the chance one day. Well, I just wanted to say happy birthday and I know you probably are going to party hard with your friends. Just remember to stay safe, ok? I'll always be here whenever you feel ready to talk again. I really miss having you as my best friend. As for now, I hope you enjoy your present and I have the receipt if you want to return them. Happy Birthday and hope all your wishes come true!!!" A part of me was happy that she would go out of her way to do this for me, but a part of me is asking why did she have to go do this. She should know that I'm still trying to get over her, but now it feels like I'm holding on again, hoping that we'll have a chance to get back together. I don't even know if I should take this gift. I want to drop it back off at her house and let her know that I can't accept this because of how I'm feeling at the moment. I can't help it, I still love this girl with all my heart and she means the world to me. When I saw her yesterday and she handed me the gift, she looked like she was about to cry. I just wanted to just wrap my arms around her again and be like how we were in the past. Knowing her, I know she its not likely she'll contact me again because the ball is in my court now. A big part of me wants to e-mail her and setup a day where we can talk and find closure in all this. I want her to understand that I'm not upset at her in anyway and I hope that she's not in pain, but I also want her to know that I can't be friends with her, let alone be her best friend until I completely get over her. This is so hard. This girl was my first love. This is the first girl I've ever went on a date with. We always told each other that we'd get married and settle down with each other. Now all my dreams and aspirations have been shattered. It feels so hard to show all this love and compassion to another person after somebody shatters your heart.

Before I get into this, here's my story in a nutshell. After 3.5 years of dating, my girlfriend desides to break-up because she wanted to be single and free. I could understand it because she's 22 years old and she wanted to experience more things before being tied down. Even though I understood, it still broke my heart. I begged and pleaded, but it didn't work. I initiated no contact after one week of being friends. After two weeks of NC she e-mails me and says she misses me and misses me being her best friend. This tore me up inside. It took me a few days to get back to normal. Today my ex came by and dropped off a gift for my birthday. I had to see her because she called and said she was coming. When I saw her all my feelings came rushing back. I wanted to hug her and kiss her again, but I knew I can't. I was really aloof talking to her. I just said I've been busy and kept it really light. We talked for no more than 30 seconds and she said that I must have been busy so she'd leave me alone. I said yeah and she drove away. I wanted to tell her to stay and be with me today. It feels like I've taken 100 steps back after 3 weeks of NC. After she left, I read the card she gave me and it said that she still misses me as her best friend and when I'm ready to talk again she'll be there. During the three weeks, I told myself to move on and let go of this woman. After reading the card I want to hang on again and be there for her. I want her back now. She looked amazing when I saw her. I wanted to be the man in her life again. Right now I just want to crawl into bed and stay away from everybody. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm going crazy.

Thanks for the reply auburnslp. Well I had one painful weekend. After getting that e-mail from her last week, I started to check my e-mail constantly hoping she would e-mail again and say something that would ease my pain. It dawned on me that I can't let go of her or the thought of her. I've been doing no contact for about 3 weeks now, but I still feel like I've made no progress. I still miss her a lot and I constantly think about her. Mornings are the worse part of the day for me because I wake up wanting her. I'm probably subconsciously dreaming about her, but every morning I always wake up in emotional pain. I wake up each day not wanting to leave my bed. About the weekend, I went to a club with a few of my friends hoping it would take my mind off things. That didn't work out. One of the things I disliked about my ex was her going clubbing on a regular basis near the end of our relationship. This would always hurt me because she would go out with her friends and dance and drink with other guys. Back then when I was with her I always felt guilty if I danced with another girl at a party of a club because I felt that I was betraying her. Whenever she goes clubbing she tells me guys would approach her and ask her to dance and she would accept, but that was it. I know that is understandable because she's at a place where this stuff would happen, but it would always hurt me. Well now that I'm single I tried the club thing out this weekend, but it didn't work. A woman asked me to dance, which I did, but I couldn't dance with her too long because I started to feel guilty and awkward about my ex. I had thoughts of her and how I would feel bad about dancing with another person besides my ex, which made me want to stop. I tried to do the things that made me hurt, to see if I was over the pain, but I wasn't. I can't shake the thought that how my ex could go to these places while she was still dating me and dance with random guys and let them buy her drinks. Thinking back on this is making me hurt more and more. I feel like I can't let go of her or the past. Any advice on how to stop thinking about her or past situations of pain?

Fantasia, I'm also wondering that after reading your post. I recently got an e-mail from my ex about 5 days ago and in the e-mail she said she misses me alot and she feels as much pain as I do. I was suprisingly upset by her comment. I don't ever think she would even know the pain of being rejected by the one you love, hearing words such as "I want to be single now, I don't want to be committed anymore", unless she goes through that same situation. I believe that she feels the pain of not having someone she is close to in her life anymore (that's b/c I've doing NC to heal), but I believe the dumper wouldn't feel the pain of rejection and the emotions the dumped have to go through.

bzborow1, you made a good point. Me and my ex broke up 4 times within the past 3 months, the last straw was three weeks ago when she said she wanted to be single and not be committed or have any priorities in her life right now. During those break-ups within the last three months, I was the one begging her to reconsider her decision of breaking up with me and she did, even though she said she was having fun and enjoying herself while she was single during those days we weren't together. Near the end of May, I decided I wanted to break up with her (break-up #2) because she was acting so distant during that month and she didn't tell me the reason why she was like that. Although I ended the relationship there, I went to see her a week later because I missed her so much during that week, that I didn't want to lose a woman I love so dearly, and I didn't want her out of my life. When I went to see her I begged her again to come back to the relationship. She didn't agree to what I said which made me even more desperate to get her back. She again said that she enjoyed the week away from the relationship without having any priorities or worries. She just wanted us to be friends. I didn't know what to do so I agreed to it. I didn't know what to say afterwards so I asked her what she was doing later on in the week. She said that she was going to watch Shrek 2, which was one of the movies she wanted to watch with me. When we were dating she said reserve the day the movie comes out for her so we could go watch it together. That hurt me quite a bit, but the thing that threw me for a loop was that she said a guy friend asked her to go watch it and she agreed. This all happened within that one week we didn't communicate with each other. Although I was deeply hurt and angry, I couldn't show her that I was so I calmly accepted what she said and left. During the week we constantly talked online and she began to regain her feelings for me. Within a week and a half we got back together again. We saw each other for a few days, but afterwards she began to miss the single life she had when we broke up those two other times so she decided to end it again. I was down in the dumps again for the third time, but I still kept up hope because she took me back twice. For about 2 weeks I kept in constant contact with her, hoping her feelings for me would come back just like those two other times we got back together. During those two weeks she would act distant when she talked to me because she didn't want her feelings for me to come back. To keep the story short she leaves for vacation for about a week and when she came back she acted a different with me when she saw me. She told me during her vacation she bought a present for me and nobody else which kinda led me to think that she still cherishes the thought of me. After a week of talking we got back together for the third time. This time the relationship lasted for only a month, but during that month she would go out with her friends every weekend and go clubbing. This really bothered me because she would come back and not tell me anything and act all distant. Going clubbing once in awhile is cool, but she constantly went every weekend. The weekends were the only time I had to myself because during the week I had work. I always hoped to spend some time with her during the weekends but she decided to go clubbing. I felt like what bzborow1 said earlier, that you would be walking on pins and needles and be powerless in a relationship because you're scared to lose her. I wouldn't confront her of how her going clubbing constantly hurt me because I was scared to lose her again. I felt very powerless to her. During that month, I ignored hanging out with my friends and drop everything I was doing when she wanted to see me. I wanted to make things work. Well things didn't work out in the end. She decided to break up with me once again 4 weeks ago and she said the same things she said those other times she broke up with me. I thought to myself that this is just a phase and I'll be her friend till her feelings for me come back. We still hung out consistently as friends for about a week after the break-up. During that time she told me she went out to dinner with a guy friend from college. She said that they stayed out till like 1 or 2 in the morning just talking. That was the last straw for me. That's when I realized it's over. That I couldn't be her friend because these were things I didn't want to hear. I initiated NC after that incident and it's been 3 weeks since I last saw her. For me, I didn't want to know anymore information about the other guy or guys in her life. The less information I knew the less the pain. I would often have thoughts creep into my head, but they would only be speculations. The best thing to do is to move on with your life. Take the time to let your heart heal and not worry about what your ex is doing. Focus all that energy on your own life. It's going to be a hard and long process, but take it one day at a time.

After dating for 3.5 years my ex says... -I want to be single because I haven't been single for awhile. -I want to enjoy single life. -I want to have my space and do things without having priorities. -I don't want to be committed at the moment. -I don't want to have any priorities. Those words she said to me cut deep. It seems hard to forget those words she said to me when she wanted to leave. This girl was also my first love, so thats probably why I'm feeling so much pain right now. After 3 weeks of no contact, she e-mails me out of the blue. She wanted her computer back from my house, which is understandable, but she also says she really misses me and misses having me around as her best friend. I e-mailed her back to let her know I dropped off the stuff, that I wasn't angry at her about the breakup, and thanked her for giving me time and space to heal. Right now I'm back on NC from her.

me4ta, thanks for the great advice. What struck me was when you said "What you don't know can't hurt you". I totally agree with that statement. I just hope my friends won't bring up her name or mention anything about what she is doing. Like you said, if she wanted this relationship back, she would go out of her way to get it, but since she's not then there should be no hope. The thing that gets me is that she still wants us to be best friends. To me it still looks like a glimmer of hope, or maybe she wants us to reconcile our differences. During the first week we broke up we still hung out everyday and flirted constantly. She even talked about us having a future together, even though we weren't together at that time. When she said she really misses me and was hurting as much as I am in her e-mail, I also thought that a part of her might want this relationship back. She might want the closeness we developed for 3.5 years back. That's something that I want back too, the way we used to talk everyday, and somebody to hang out with daily. This NC thing is getting harder and harder each day. There are days where I want to call her up and pick up from where we left off. A part of me wants to be close to her again, but another part of me doesn't want to know what she's been doing or how she's been for the past 3 weeks since I initiated NC. Right now I'm stuck between two conflicting ideas.

Today was probably one of the hardest days since the 3 weeks my ex broke up with me. After getting her e-mail it sent me into a rough spell, but today was the icing on the cake. Today I got a call from a friend we both know who invites to her b-day thing. She asks if my ex wants to go, but not knowing if we were still together. I tell her we separated and she yeah I kinda figured. She tells me that my ex has been contemplating a break up for awhile which kinda threw me into a shock because it seems like I'm the last to know about it. It feels that if my ex had some differences in our relationship she could've came to me and told me how she was feeling. Instead she bottled up her feelings for awhile, acted all distant, and that left me in the dark. I put up with it, even though that hurt not knowing why she was acting like this. And then all of a sudden she tells me she wants to split because she wants to be single, enjoy single life, and not priorities anymore. This hurt me alot. I've been doing NC for the past 3 weeks, but now I want to call her and ask her for all the details. I want to ask her why am I the last to know about how she felt. I can't seem to find closure because I'm still in a state of confusion. The pain seems to grow each day. Its been hard for me to wake up in the morning and hard for me to live my daily life with all these thoughts and questions about her in my head. I dunno what to do. A part of me wants to contact her while another part of me wants to forget her, not hear her name, not know what she is doing, but it seems like its impossible because my friends bring up her name here and there and it drives me into a sad state. Any advice or comments on my situation, thanks.

To everybody who replied, thanks for the great advice. I did it. I just e-mailed her at first. I let her know that I wasn't angry at her and I thanked her for giving me some time and space. I wanted to say more, ask her how she was doing or what she's been up to, but I decided against it because it'll cause more pain knowing somethings such as if she's already seeing another guy (just like you said Rich). I'm definitely going to continue NC until all these feelings for her subside. I'm kinda glad I returned all her stuff back, because now it's time for closure. Thanks for all the great advice and best of luck to you all with your struggles.

Hi, I posted my story about my break-up [link removed about two weeks ago. In general my ex and I dated for 3.5 years, but 3 weeks ago she decided that she didn't want to be committed in the relationship and she wanted to be single. I couldn't do anything about it. She wanted us to be best friends immediately after the break. I hung out with her for a week as friends, but I couldn't take it because it was too painful. After that week I told her that I would not communicate with her until my pain and suffering is gone. For about two weeks I kept with NC and I have been slowly recovering from the pain, but today I received an e-mail from her. She asked if she could get her stuff she left at my house which is understandable, but the other part of her e-mail left me in a state of confusion. Here's what she wrote... "I was wondering if I can pick up my computer. If you don't want to see me, I can ask someone to come over and pick it up, or you can leave it on the doorstep or something. I do not want to make you feel more awkward than how things are already. I know you don't want to talk to me and I could tell by the sound of your voice on the phone last time, so I just decided to email you instead. I hope you've been hanging in there and doing alrite though. I'm really sorry for the pain I put you through. I really really miss you, having you as my best friend. I'll continue praying that we can put our differences aside soon and hope that you will not have so much anger towards me. I am hurting as much as you are, but I know you think I am not. Anyways, good luck with everything!!!" I called her after I saw the e-mail, but she wasn't available. I decided to drop the stuff off while she was out so I could continue with my NC. Now I really don't know what to do. I know that the ball is in my court now because she e-mailed and she's probably looking for a response. Should I e-mail her back? Another thing that's bugging me is the comments she made in her e-mail. She thinks I'm upset at her, but I really have no angry feelings towards her. I want to let her know that, but I don't want to open old wounds by breaking NC. She also mentioned that she misses me and wants to be best friends again. I don't know if I'll be able to do that. That one week being friends was hard, but I don't think I could do it until I'm over her. One other thing that's on my mind is her saying that she's in as much pain as I am. She was the one who decided she didn't want to be in this relationship, that she wanted to be single. Now she comes and tells me that she is feeling my pain. I could understand that she's hurt in losing somebody close, but I don't think she knows the pain of being rejected by someone you love. She doesn't know how hard it is going through the motions of being dumped. There's a million things going through my mind and I don't know what to do. Can you please offer any advice or comments on this situation, thanks

Sorry for the extremely long post. I had a lot on my mind and I had write it all out. Thanks for the great responses and advice Free Lancer and spledidlylost. I should have posted this a long time ago and used the advice before I got back with her during the month of June. In the back of her mind I knew she still had strong feelings for me, but she also wanted to be single and have fun while she is still young. Lately I've been thinking that her friends had something to do with her wanting to be single. All her girlfriends she hangs out with are single and she was the only one in a serious relationship. I guess when she said that I was a burden, to me it meant that she wanted to do things with her single girlfriends and not have to suffer the consequences if they are mistakes that hurt our relationship. Another thing that has been on my mind constantly was the week we hung out after our recent and maybe final break-up. This was actually last week. During this week we hung out everyday, we flirted, but we never did any couple stuff. Everything felt so right being with her and I could sense that she felt good about us hanging out together too. The one thing that has been disturbing me was one night we went out to dinner at a nice Korean BBQ restaurant. I was very into the food because it was so delicious. I told her that I wish one day my wife could make this for me and she looks at me and said I'll cook this and anything you want. This stunned me because she was serious about her comment yet she also didn't want to be committed in our relationship which lead her to break it off. This thought of her seeing us in the future is tearing me in half. One part of me wants to wait it out and keep in contact with her and be there for her until the day she wants to be committed to me again. The other part of me wants to have no contact with her until I totally get over her. I don't know what to do. We talked earlier this week and I told her that I would let her know if I want to pursue a friendship at this moment and keep in close contact with each other or if I needed to have no contact at all with her to get over her. I don't know what to do. I want to hear the sound of her voice, I want to hold her and hug her, but yet a part of me is telling me to rid your thoughts of her and move on.

Hi, My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3.5 years. Two weeks ago she decided to break up with me because she wanted to experience single life again. This completely devastated me because I'm still in love with her. Although this hurts tremendously, this is not the first time she decided to break up with me. Throughout the three and a half years of our relationship, we've had our ups and downs. We are both college students, but we attended different schools in different cities. The distance from where I stayed and where she was staying was only a two hour drive away, but we only saw each other on the weekend. When we first began dating we were inseparable. During the first six months of our relationship we would talk to each other on the phone every night and make an effort to see each other every weekend. After the honeymoon stage of our relationship I started to hang out with my friends again. During the six months together I saw rarely spoke to or saw my friends because my attention was focused on my girlfriend. She was upset by this because she thought I could have used the time I had with my friends and spend it with her. I told her to hang out with her friends too, but she didn't have many friends so she was usually alone when I went out. I invited her to hang out with my friends too and she did, but she didn't have anything in common with any of them so she would sit there quietly. Whenever she came along with me and my friends, it was an awkward situation. I would usually focus most of my attention towards her while my friends did other things. After the first six months of our relationship we both had our summer vacation from school and we decided that we'd try to spend as much time together before school started again. We'd see each other every day during the summer, but some days my friends would call and I would go hang out with them all day and not see my girlfriend. This would happen here and there during the summer. She was hurt by this and said that she had one of the worst summers ever. I felt very bad about my actions and I apologized to her from the bottom of my heart. I told her that I would never leave her again, but she still had her doubts. After our first summer together she had doubts about me. She was worried that I would leave her again so she decided she needed to find something to keep her occupied. She decided to join a co-ed fraternity. While she was in the fraternity she made a lot of friends and her time with me started to decrease. We began to talk less during the weekdays because she would be busy with school or her fraternity work. I began to notice these changes about her so I decided to use my free time during the weekdays to hang out with my friends. We began to grow jealously towards the things we did. She would begin to hate my friends because I spent a lot of time with them and I began to hate her fraternity because it took up her free time. We would let each other know about these things, but I guess we let those things slide because whenever we saw each other things were okay. For about a year things were like this. We would both resent things that took away time from either one of us, but when we saw each other all of that went away. After some time she quit her fraternity because she got tired of it. During this time she got closer to her housemates she was living with. She started to devote her free time towards them which made me jealous of that. They would take her out to parties and I would be worried that she might be hit on by other guys there. My insecurities got the best of me. I would ask her if she danced with any guys and she would say no. I accepted what she said. For the months, her and her housemates would go to a lot of parties and when she did go I became really insecure. I was always worried about her interacting with other guys. I think she knew that it was one of my insecurities, but I would never say anything because I didn't want to rob her of her fun. She would continue to go to parties and I would always feel hurt by it, but whenever heard her voice or saw her, my pain would go away and I would let those negative feelings about her partying subside. After awhile I got use to what she did and let those feelings I had go. After awhile she began to hang out with her housemates less and focused more of her attention on school. I was happy that she stopped partying as much, but she still had plenty of resentment towards my friends. I still continued hanging out with my friends during the weekdays, but she would still be mad that I did. All I would do when I would go out with my friends is play basketball or go to someone's house to watch TV or a movie. I understood why she was mad. She would always think I would choose my friends over her, that I cherished and cared for my friends more that I did for her. I didn't know what to do. I was totally in love with this girl, but yet I didn't want to lose my friends that I've known for 7 years. I decided to go out less, but it was still unacceptable because she would still get upset at me here and there for not being around. We still saw each other during the weekends and everything would be great, but during the week we would get into little fights about this. Once 2004 hit, our relationship began to go downhill. She began to take classes that took up a huge chunk of her time. Since she was busy with school, I decided to keep myself busy too, so I spent my free time with my friends. Whenever she was free, I would be busy because I made plans with my friends and whenever I was free she would either be busy with school or friends. We began to see each other less and whenever we fought I felt that she was beginning to distance herself away from me. I tell her how I feel about whatever the situation is, but when I ask her about her feelings she would say things like "I don't know" and come off clueless about her feelings. She would get annoyed by it because I would keep asking her about her feelings. I always thought that since we had a loving bond that she would be comfortable enough to tell me whatever it was that was bugging her. But she hid most of her problems with me in her heart. Our fights would always end up being me begging her to tell me how she felt so we could resolve all our problems. Whenever she said she needed time to think, I would give her time. When she called me back she would avoid the problems we had and act like nothing was wrong. I would ask her if there were any problems she needed to address, but she would say there weren't any and I would take whatever she said as the truth. In the month of April she really got fed up with me hanging out with my friends and not being available to her whenever she wanted me to. She decided to break up with me and at that time I was so angry I agreed to the break up. I told her that I couldn't be her friend at that time because I was afraid of losing her and maybe saying this would make her think twice about breaking up. For the next two days I couldn't get her out of my mind. I would lose sleep just thinking about her and my appetite for food was non-existent. When the weekend hit, I decided to go up to visit her unexpectedly to try to salvage things. When I arrived and talked to her she said the two days without me was a relief for her. She said she didn't have to worry about things between us and it was quite refreshing for her. I held her and asked if she was going to miss the things we did like hold hands, cuddle, hug, kiss, and all the relationship stuff and she said yes. On that day I convinced her to come back to me, but little did I know that was the beginning of the end. During this year she started to go clubbing. She would usually go with her girlfriends and have fun, but this brought back all the insecurities I had. She would go clubbing here and there, but I told myself it was okay because I'm in love with her and she should have her fun. In the month of May she went to a bar with her friends and got drunk for the first time in her life. After getting drunk at the bar she went to a club with her friends. This was during the weekday while she was away at school. She told me about this the next day. I was extremely angry because I was worried about her being drunk in a place with lots of other guys. She said she wouldn't get drunk again, but I was still upset. She wanted me to come up to see her that weekend, but I didn't feel like it so she got upset too. We didn't talk during that weekend. On the following Monday I called her to talk to her but she was always preoccupied with talking to other people online. That got me really frustrated because I wanted to discuss some important things with her and I let her know that, but yet she dismissed me for whoever she was talking to online. I was so upset that I told her we should break up that night and she agreed. After I hung up I didn't contact her for a week. I was hoping that if she loved me, that she would call me, because if she was the one that was upset I would bend over backwards to do anything to make things right. This was my big mistake. During this week she began to feel free again and she had a lot of fun without the worries and hassles of a relationship. By the end of the week I realized that she wasn't going to call so I decided to go up there to talk to her. She let me know that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore because of the hassles, but I knew she still had feelings for me. My trip up there was unsuccessful this time because she didn't know if she wanted to be back in the relationship. After I returned home I decided that I was going to make a conscious effort to change the things she didn't like about me so she would come back to me. I told my friends that I would be unavailable for awhile to work things out with my ex. From that point on I stayed home everyday to chat with her online. I told her the old me from the beginning of the relationship is back because that was what she wanted. I decided that I would wait on her hand and foot so she would never leave me again. I was afraid of being lonely so I decided to do anything in my power to make her happy to be with me. By the end of the week she decided she wanted to be with me again. We saw each other during that weekend and had a blast. We were inseparable that weekend, just like how we were before. The following week she was finals week before her graduation from college. She barely had any finals so she decided to come home during the weekdays and we said we would see each other everyday. When she came back we hung out the first two days, but on the third day she wanted to stay home. During that time she realized that being alone was more comfortable than being in a relationship. She didn't tell me anything about how she felt so she began giving me the cold shoulder when I called her. I would want to talk to her, but she would never have anything to say. When I asked to see her she would get frustrated by it. I asked if she needed space and she said yes. Three days pass by without hearing a word from her so I decided to call her to see what was going on. She ends up telling me that I'm a burden to her and she doesn't want to be in relationship again. She says that being in a relationship means that she is burdened with seeing me. That really broke my heart because I didn't think she would say such a thing like that. Even when I would want to hang out with my friends and she'd say no, I never thought of her being a burden. What made things worse was that she was to graduate in a week. She went back to school after she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship, but she didn't tell me if I was still going to her graduation. In the beginning of the year she would always say that I have to be there at her graduation no matter what so I made sure that I had no obligations for that day. During that week I was confused of whether or not I was going to go. I tried to talk to her during the week, but it would get me nowhere. I didn't want to bring up anything about us or graduation because she wanted to have fun in her last week of college. I decided not to mention anything until the day before her graduation. During the week I went out to buy her a gift, a card, and some flowers for her. On the night before her graduation I called her to ask if I was still invited and she told me that it might be awkward for her, so I decided to spare her those awkward feelings and told her that I wouldn't go. I was really hurt by this because I wanted to be there on one of her most special days of her life. I called a mutual friend of ours that was going to her graduation and asked if she could give the graduation present to my ex on her graduation day. She agreed and delivered. Once my ex got the gift she needed to talk to me ASAP. I talked to her online the night after her graduation. She said she felt bad about accepting the gifts and not inviting me to her graduation. I said that it was fine because it was her day and I didn't want to do anything to ruin it. We talked for awhile that night and she said we should be good friends. I agreed to it even though I wanted more. Since she graduated she came back home and we saw each other more often, even though we were just friends. Although we were friends we flirted a lot and acted like we were still a couple. Because of this I realized that she still had an interest in the relationship so I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend again. Everything was perfect because our 3.5 year anniversary was coming up soon and I wanted to make everything special to ask her out. On that day I transformed my room into a candlelight café. Since I don't know how to cook I bought some nice food for her. Everything went smoothly and yet again she agreed to be my girlfriend. After a great month together she decided she wanted to be single again. She wanted to know how single life is because she hasn't experienced it in so long. I was shook up by this again. During that month she would talk to me about moving in together and marriage and I was shocked to see her do a 180 on me and want to leave again. I pleaded and begged her to change her mind but this time she knows that this is what she wants. I decided to respect her change and we decided to be friends again. For the past week we hung out and everything still felt the same. We still flirted a lot, but we didn't do the holding hands or hugging stuff couples do. Everyday was so hard for me because I wanted more and she seemed so content with everything that was going on. Just two days ago she tells me that she went out to dinner with a guy friend from school. They hung out and talked till pretty late. She told me they were just friends and I completely accept that, but yet it still hurt me. Now I'm deciding if I should do NC or should I hold out again and be her friend and hopefully she'll come back to me again. I told her that I might not see or speak to her for awhile but I haven't decided on that yet. I don't know what to do. I'm scared to call her back and hear her voice. My heart is so torn right now…