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rich46

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  1. rich46
  2. rich46
    Hi, I know where you are coming from, that is the very reason why I can't be friends with my ex right now. I initiated the no contact nearly 2 weeks ago and it is really hard. I suppose it is easier for me in a way because we live quite far apart (100 miles) so she couldn't pop round like your ex does. I think you need to be honest with him now and tell him that you can't carry on like this. It is driving you crazy all this analysing of his words and actions. I know it will be difficult, and I don't think he'll accept it straight away, but you should tell him you want some no contact time. He is having the best of both worlds here, and if he doesn't want to get back with you, you will hurt more in the long run. In the week after my ex finished me and said she wanted us to be "best friends," we were still texting eachother everyday and she was phoning me when she finished work. It was like we had never split up, so she wasn't feeling the effect of not having me in her life, and I was being prevented from moving on and heeling. Plus I was reading too much into her text messages, although sometimes I think I was quite right to feel confused ("I've been thinking about you" "There's still hope for us" "I bet we do end up getting back together"). Why did she dump me then??? Over the last month I have found that it is IMPOSSIBLE to stay friends with your ex immediately after a break up. As this was my first love, I am yet to discover whether this No Contact malarky brings your ex back, but if it doesn't then it simply wasn't meant to be. So my suggestion is to be open, tell him that you can't see him for a while. Surely he must understand this. If not then he is being very selfish. I think my ex understands it as she hasn't called since I told her that I didn't want to have any contact with her for a while (I know, it could be because she doesn't want to call me anyway! ). Seriously though, she is very confused and she says she needs her own space for a while, but I think she does understand that being best friends right now is not a feasible option. For her maybe, but definitely not for me. I hope things go well for you, and that I have helped in some way. Your situation does have similarities to mine, so my advice is based on what I am doing at the minute. I'm not saying it is the right way, but I think it is a better option in the long run than staying friends. Take care, Rich
  3. rich46
    I'm no expert, but enforcing the No Contact rule is definitely NOT a sure-fire way to bring back your ex! BUT like the previous poster said, it is better than playing the role of the neutered ex-boyfriend! Plus there is a chance that she will miss you and may realise what a big mistake she has made. If she doesn't think like this, then the relationship simply wasn't meant to be and No Contact will have put you well on the road to recovery...instead of being strung along like an unwanted, spare part!
  4. rich46
    Mate, join the club. In my experience, the women Ive known have been a strange breed and it is ok for them to get jealous, but not you. It is extremely confusing and I don't think I will ever work women out. I'm not being sexist, it's just the experiences I've had. Yet still I am totally in love with my ex. I can't explain why. Actually I can, but there was certainly a part of her that was jealous about the slightest thing, but I wasn't allowed to be at all. So there you go, I am just as confused as you. Rich
  5. rich46
    I disagree. I think you should do No Contact as she has moved on pretty quickly, you should too. What good is staying friends going to do you in the next 2 weeks? None whatsoever. If you stay friends right now you are going to be stringing along and it will hurt you in the long run. Forget about what's best for getting her back, you need to focus on yourself. No Contact will allow you to get focused on your immediate future, and sure if in a few weeks or months you want to try being friends, then call her then. I am a big believer in a period of No Contact after a break up. I don't see the point in making out you are fine with her, even though she has just dumped you and found a new guy in an instant. The only reason she rang you and asked you to dinner was to make HERSELF feel better and less guilty. Don't fall for it, you need to get on with your own life and let her ponder on what she's lost. Like I said, call her when you feel ready but I don't see any advantage in pretending to be her friend for the next 2 weeks. That's my view anyway. 8)
  6. rich46
    Hi, My situation is similar to yours. My ex wants us to be best friends but I told her it was not possible. So we have now had 10 days of No Contact, who knows what she is thinking? But it is for the best. It sounds like you did nothing wrong so don't beat yourself up over it. I acted in a similar way looking back, but can you blame us if an ex shows up and your girlfriend isn't completely honest? You have done the right thing, you need some good old fashioned No Contact time. That is the only chance you will get of moving on, plus it is the only way to make her think about the possible mistake she is making by letting you go. Sorry I can't be of much help, but I know how you feel. I'm doing the same thing as you, i.e. No Contact. Just don't give yourself a hard time, like you said you never cheated on her even though you had plenty of opportunity. Let her go, you had every right to have a bit of antitrust. Good luck, Rich
  7. rich46
    He won't mention anything about giving it another go so soon, but the signs are there! Give him time and space and he the chances are he'll crack eventually. You said he wants to come round again real soon, but if I were you, I would let him know that you aren't available at the drop of a hat. Perhaps say something like "That would be great but I'm going out with a friend that night. What about the day after?" You know, keep him on his toes a bit! It seems like you have got all the power here, and make no mistake, you are in a promising position! Just play it cool, make it seem like you are coping really well without him, and let him do all the chasing! Good luck! 8)
  8. rich46
    Hi Duderanomi, I agree with what avman says, you definitely need to distance yourself from her for a while. I tried to be friends with my ex for a few days after she dumped me with the "time and space" routine, but one day I rang her back and told her that No Contact was the best policy for now, i.e. it gives her the time and space she said she needed, and it gives me time to get my head round things. We haven't contacted eachother for 7 days and it is extremely difficult. But if you want a chance of getting her back, then you must back off for a bit. That is my main incentive right now, to give her space and hopefully she will miss me and maybe, just maybe, will realise what a mistake she has made. If she doesn't, then not only is she a fool (!), but at least I will have had the time to move on with my OWN life. Honestly, the "friends" approach is just not possible for the person on the wrong end of the break up (as you've realised). She probably wants to stay in contact to lessen HER hurt and guilt, just like my ex wanted to. So I think sending that email was a good move to an extent. You let her know how you feel, and what you wanted to do next. Remember, you should do what YOU want to do now, you don't have to worry about what she wants anymore. Give it at least a few weeks, then reevaluate what you want to do next. Good luck, Rich
  9. rich46
    Hi, Well your situation has quite a lot of similarities with mine, but I would say that you are at an advanced stage. I honestly believe that if you play it cool, there's a good chance that you guys could get back together. I'm pleased you didn't end up in bed together. Just have patience...you can do all that stuff when he has sorted his feelings out! I would just recommend playing it cool, it sounds like you did well last night. By letting him know that you have other male friends to comfort you, it definitely made him sit up and take notice. The result is that he started texting you today about general things...he obviously misses you! This sounds like a classic example of backing off to give your ex some space, and now he seems to be doing the chasing. Good work if you ask me. And all this is just because you didn't break down and go to bed with him last night. He realises you are strong and that you have other alternatives...your life will continue even if he leaves. Whatever you do though, don't take these positive signs for granted. Remain calm and try to get on with your life. Show him that you are strong enough to carry on without him, give him something to think about. He sounds pretty confused so give him plenty of space and DON'T end up in bed with him! If he decides he wants you back, and you feel the same, then I would say take it slowly and talk through the problems that existed in the latter stages of your relationship. Good luck, you are doing well! I hope giving my ex some space and something to ponder on will have a similar effect! Rich
  10. rich46
    Hi clair2004, So how did it go last night? Rich
  11. rich46
    Hi iceesnowbubble, Well I've never been in that situation so I can't answer for sure. However, I do know that by begging and pleading, you are making it less likely that he will come back to you. You will be pushing him further away and he will have a lot more negative thoughts going round his head. It is far better to accept his decision (I know this is easier said than done) and leave him to ponder on the good times you guys had. This way he is more likely to miss you, and thereforeeee more likely to come back for more. The sooner you, or anyone else for that matter, gives the other person the time and space that he/she needs, the higher the likelihood of a reconciliation in the future. This is no guarantee that your ex will come back to you, but in my opinion it will do you a lot more favours in the long run. Good luck, Rich
  12. rich46
    Thanks a lot Ated, you are very kind! Rich
  13. rich46
    Sure he is obviously very confused right now, I know because the same kind of thing is happening with my ex. But he will remain confused if you continue sleeping with him. You need to talk to him about what he wants from you as all this is making you even more confused. But you should stress to him that you can't keep ending up in bed together as it does neither of you any good. If he wants to try again, then fine but take things slowly. If he is confused and doesnt know what he wants, then I think you should suggest having some time of no contact. That will give you both time to think. You can't keep going on like this, as each time you sleep together, it will make it 10 times harder if he decides he wants to "move on." Afterall he has already told you he wants to do this. You are obviously still in denial mode, as I still am to an extent. You think sleeping with him might be a sign he wants to get back with you. I don't think so, |I think you'd be better served by talking about things. He is not treating you very well right now (maybe unintentionally) but you have to put your foot down and ask him where you stand. If he doesnt give you a definitive answer, then No Contact is your only option for now. Rich
  14. rich46
    Hi, The same kind of thing happened to me. The last time I spoke with my ex I was strong, I had changed from the crying, pleading idiot of the week before. This seemed to get to her, and like in your situation, SHE was the one who broke down and told me she missed me. I'm not sure if this is true though, maybe she just misses the habit of phoning me and being in a relationship. From that last phone call i told her that it was best for both of us if we do no contact for a while, especially as it was her who wanted space in the first place. I would advise you NOT to end up in bed with him tonight. I seem to use this phrase a lot on here but he definitely CAN'T have his cake and eat it. He is playing with your feelings and you will be back to square one tomorrow. Show him that you are stronger than that, and that he can't use you as a doormat, and come round and expect sex but then go back to the "i want to move on" routine. If he wants to move on, tell him it's for the best if you don't have any contact for a while. This will enable you to start healing (something thats never going to happen if you keep ending up in bed together), and it will enable him to "move on." That is the only way to go here. He may realise his mistake if you stick to your guns. Even if he doesnt you wont be in limbo anymore and you can start moving forwards in your life, instead of where you are now. Hope this helps. Good luck!
  15. rich46
    Hi, A brief recap of my situation. Met my ex nearly 4 years ago during first month of uni. During the last year we have lived 100 miles apart since we graduated. Last few months she's been really distant with me on the phone and when we were together. I confronted her about this just 3 weeks ago and she admitted she needed "time and space" and to "be single for a while" and "answering to nobody." For a few days after this I did a bit of the old begging, pleading etc which I now completely regret. She is adamant she wants us to be "best friends" which I went along with for a short while. But I changed my attitude as it was killing me trying to stay friends...impossible. So i rang her and told her we should have a week of no contact then we'd speak. So we did that and we talked, she cried saying "ive misssed you" but still not changed. I ended it saying i needed more time to get my head round this. Anyway, that was 7 days ago. Still no contact. But the last couple of days reality has started to sink in and i am getting increasingly annoyed and angry at the stuff that happened during the last few months of our relationship. How could she be so distant and cold with me? When would she have told me about this "time and space" rubbish if i hadn't confronted her about it? Had she been seeing someone behind my back? All these questions and thoughts are flooding back to me now. What should i do? Right now i want to ring her and tell her how unfair she has treated me over the last few months. I am really worked up i don't know what to do. Do i break no contact to tell her how im feeling? Tell her that it's best if we don't speak to eachother again ever? The 2 weeks after the split i was devastated but i was still nice when we spoke and stuff. But now it is turning to resentment about how she treated me. Im confused, i dont know if i want her back anymore, or whether to draw a line underneath her. i just dont know. What does everyone else think? Thanks, Rich
  16. rich46
    What do you mean "have i made a mistake?" If it's the truth then how can you have made a mistake? If she is going to get upset just because you are seeing a girl on sunday (especially after what she has done to you) then you are a LOT better off without her. In my opinion of course.
  17. rich46
    I just wanted to bump this one back up to the top!
  18. rich46
    BeachDude, how can you do that? Have you any intentions of getting back with her? Even in 3 months I can't see any way of being friends as I know in the back of my mind I would want us to become an item again.
  19. rich46
    Hi, thanks for your replies! Perhaps I should have added that I have already told her that I can't be friends with her, and I have already initiated no contact with her. Don't worry I won't let her have the best of both worlds. I've taken an all-or-nothing approach to the relationship, she said she needed space so that is exactly what I am giving her.
  20. rich46
    Thanks for this post kantore. In fact I have just posted a thread in the 'Getting Back Together' forum asking whether you could be friends with your ex. I am completely against this idea, despite my ex saying how she wants us to remain "best friends." I believe it is just a selfish way of easing THEIR pain and making them feel less guilty. So I told her that I wanted No Contact and this sent out a signal that I won't be strung along by her. She knows I love her more than anything, but even I won't prolong the pain by staying friends. As soon as she found another man, I would be put on the back burner again and the healing process would have to start AGAIN. So as you can gather, I'm not in favour of this. If other people are in favour, then good for them and I hope it works out. Not for me though.
  21. rich46
    What is everyone's view on being "best friends" with your ex? My own view based on my situation is that it is bloody impossible! My ex told me 3 weeks ago how she needed space, time to be single (all the excuses) but was adamant that she wanted us to be best friends. She even broke down crying at the thought of never speaking to me again. For a few days after she told me this, we stayed in contact. I even went to see her on her birthday and we had a great time together. But then I thought, this is b*****ks! She was keeping me hanging by a thread by wanting to be best friends, plus she was having the best of both worlds. I think maybe one day some people could become friends again after a period of no contact. But i am struggling to see myself ever becoming friends with her. She was and is my first love. I was her first love. How would I cope seeing her with someone else? Answer, I couldn't and so I think the best friends is just a trick to ease their grieving process by only cutting you out of their life by 50%. Quite selfish in a way. What is everyone else's views on it? Am I being a liitle bit close minded? Rich
  22. rich46
    Well said Princess777! I agree with you. My ex has said she needs space, and maybe it is wishful thinking, but I reckon giving her this space is the best thing to do all round. For me, for her, for both of us. I personally don't want this space, but I have insisted that we have a bit of No Contact during which time I hope she realises that she misses me and wants to get back with me. If she doesn't, then in a way Im glad ive found out while I am relatively young so I can move on with my life.
  23. rich46
    Hi beco, I'm at the stage where my ex wants us to be "best friends" but it was only 3 weeks ago that she ended it saying that she needed space etc. Your situation makes me determined not to fall into the trap you are in. We are currently going through NC, which was my decision not hers. I think it is best. She is leading you along, keeping you hanging by a string. I know I couldn't be friends with someone I devoted my life to for 3 and a half years. It would be even worse to see her all the time and be reading into her every move what you are doing - it would drive me crazy! I think you should do what you feel is best, and after all that time you should maybe broach the subject of trying again. Only my opinion of course, but otherwise you could carry on with her teasing you (intentionally or not) for another 12 months and you will look back and regret it.
  24. rich46
    Wow, you're situation is almost exactly like mine! I tried the friends thing for a few days after she told me she needed "space" but I couldn't do it. So now I am doing the no contact thing and slowly but surely I am feeling better. It also felt good when I told her that I couldnt just be friends with someone who has been my girlfriend for 3 and a half years. It showed her that I wasn't going to be her doormat, you know, someone to fall back on if she found someone 'better' in a few months. It also has made her think a little, and it has given her the opportunity to miss me. It helps me the fact that we live 100 miles apart (we both went back to living with our parents after we finished uni). If she needs "space," then I would advise you to give her it. It is tough, but ringing her and texting her will push her further away. Give her something to think about, don't let her have you as a virtual boyfriend but without the commitment. That is called having your cake and eating it. That is my opinion anyway. Don't let her use you to make it easier on her - you will be hurt more in the long run. Rich
  25. rich46
    Thanks for all your replies, you've helped me a great deal! I've calmed down a bit now but today has been a weird day of mixed emotions! I won't be contacting her again as I don't see any way of being best friends with her. I just couldn't do that. If she contacts me again I will be friendly with her but I will reiterate that I can't be just friends with her and that no contact is best for both of us. Rich
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