bumshkin

If he was into me, he wouldn't be making excuses for us not to be together. But I still give him the benefit of the doubt. I do believe he has feelings and cares about me. I do believe that he has issues preventing him from being with me and those are his to deal with. He was with a girl for 7 years before he met me and she messed him up real bad. I met him only 6 months after they broke up. After they ended it they had no contact whatsoever and still dont. But anyway, whatever issues he may have that are holding him back I think are valid, whether he's making excuses or not. We talked about it and he's affraid. If he wanted me bad enough he would get over those insecurities and fears and take a chance on me but the bottom line is he's not ready for a relationship with me and I have to learn to accept that.

So last night, we were supposed to hang out. Usually when we make plans to see each other it goes smoothly but last night things seemed to be confusing, and he had other palns, then he didnt have other plans, and it seemed like one big mess of miscommunication. Anyway, it discouraged me because I assumed he was freaking out again and trying to regain some distance from me without having to actually say it. I was hurt. So I decided to take the opportunity to call him back and tell him what was up. I told him how I felt and I told him that I couldn't just be his friend anymore because I wanted so much more. His response was that he sees me as an amazing girlfriend for him but something is holding him back. He said that he's affraid of hurting me if our relationship ever didnt work out. He said if we were together he would want to make me his wife and hes not sure if he's ready for that. I dunno if he was just saying that to make it sound good or if he meant it, but either way he was basically saying that he's scared * * * *less of the emotional attachment that a relationship inspires. I told him it was ok that he felt that way and I dont hold it against him and that I respect how he feels, but we cant talk/see each other anymore because I cant change that I'm always going to want more than a friendship with him. I couldnt bring myself to tell him I was in love with him, but I did say that I had fallen for him hard. I guess it ended on a good note, as sad as I am that he cant be mine. And now I have to hold to my word that we stay out of contact for a while. It's still a long road ahead. Deep down, I am secetly hoping that he comes to his senses and sees that he will miss out on an amazing relationship if he doesnt get over his fears. Maybe he just doesnt like me at all and he's making excuses. I'll never know.

I'm quite amazed at the responses I have received and want to thank everyone for their support. As of yet, internally I am still in the same boat but I have managed to open up about it to some close friends. I guess its a step in the right direction. On a side note, I decided to go to a huge house party to get my mind off things and it helped. But theres always that one part of the night when were most vulnerable. I want to tell him, I really do but I'm so affraid of freaking him right out. I dont want him to think I am psychotic. Who knows maybe he wont, but damn. And the fantasy in my head that everything will end happily ever after is constantly there, making me irrational. Its so hard to think!!!

It's not the sex that caused me to fall in love with him. I'm 100% sure of that. I've been in several relationships where sex came before love and feelings did not develop at all. I fell in love with him because of who he is. Eventhough we arent exclusive anymore we left things off on a very positive note and said we would leave the door open for the future. Mind you I know deep down that when guys say that it's a load of crap, but I still fell in love with him. Regardless, I know from here it will be a diffucult path figuring things out, and eventually I'm sure I'll just have to suck it up and get over him, but I'm in love him right now, and thats all I can feel right now.

Instead of always reading into the intentions of these guys, wheather they are "nice" or not, maybe evaluating your own intentions will be helpful. If you know what you want, isnt it possible that you will attract that kind of guy into your life. If you are just floating around trying to find a "nice guy"without really knowing what kind of "nice" guy you want, isn't it possible that you will end up meeting an a-hole instead? Nothing is set in stone and these days deception is more common than "niceness"...so develope a solid idea of what you want first, then perhaps it will play out more effectively according to your standards, possibly. But really, who can truly say what will happen.

Well he isn't entirely a stranger, but in the 5 months that we've known each other I feel as though it hasn't been long enough for me to say I know him well and yet here I am claiming I love him. Anyway, I'm lost and confused and in love with him. The story begins online, where we first met. I posted a personals add(cheezy yes, but the bar/club scene was making me sick), and he was one of the guys who responded. So we began chatting around the end of January and then we finally decided to meet in February. It just happened to be Valentine's Day when we went on our first date. He was so cute, he brought me a rose. At first he was the one pursuing me, and I was holding back because I just wasnt sure about the situation at the time, nor was I attracted to him. And the more and more we hung out together the more I started to like him. We spent alot of time together doing so many fun things in those three months. We had great conversations and sex. Although sometimes it felt slightly unromantic, because I think both of us were holding back. So one night, three months into our dating, everything changed and turned around unexpectedly. We had just hung out and watched a movie together and afterwards I went home. As usual I called him to let him know I got in ok(on his request)and we started to talk dirty. He asked me if I would come back, and it was pretty late but I was in the mood so I was just like what the heck, why the hell not? So I went back to his place, we slept together and it was amazing. And stupid me, well not so stupid at the time, decided to ask him where things stood between us. We had had this kind of conversation before, when we had agreed that we would be exclusive, but this time it was a little more serious. By this time he had introduced me to his family and his friends,etc. Anyway, he basically said that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even though it felt like we're in one. He was so nervous telling me that, sweating and tongue tied. I guess he was worried that he might never see me again after that. But we still hung out a few times, and we have still slept together a few times, minus the goodbye kiss now that we are not exclusive. But here's the strange part. The last time we slept together something happened to me. I realised that I had fallen in love with him. For a few weeks I was in denial because I was like there is no way I could be in love with this guy, we were only dating for three months. And after we had that conversation I cut him off for a while because I knew my feelings had developed to the point where I wanted him to be my man and in order for us to be friends I needed space to get over that. But it's true, I am in love, and I can't tell him how I feel. I dont know what to do. I've dated other guys since we called it quits (and haven't been able to sleep with any of them), but the more I try and be attracted to other guys, the more I feel like none of them are right for me, and that I belong with someone else, the man I am in love with. I haven't given him any indication of how I feel, when we hang out I treat him like I would treat any of my friends, and when we sleep together I make it seem like it's nothing special. He has no clue, and none of my friends or family know because I'm sure they would think I am a lunatic. I think I am a lunatic but I can't stop thinking about him. So I'm lost. I've never loved someone so secretly before and I dont know what to do. Isn't this the most ridiculous story ever? Can anyone relate?

I met this amazing guy through an ex friend of mine about 2 months ago. So, flash back to two months ago, a guy friend, let's call him Dave, calls me up and says let's get together. I hadn't seen Dave in a long time and we became friends in our second year of University. During the school year he showed some romantic interest in me but I told him I was happy just being friends, and I wasn't ready for a relationship because I still needed time to get over my ex. He backed off, and things were cool. Then, the night we got together he tried to come on to me again and I told him again that I didn't see him as more than just a friend. He was disappointed, but he was cool about it. That same evening he introduced me to his best friend, Mike, who he had mentioned he wanted me to meet a long time ago. He knew my situation with my ex and told me that I just needed to find someone else and he knew the perfect match for me. That's where Mike came in. Dave was right that Mike was perfect for me. As soon as we had been introduced, the entire night all we did was talk. We were so completely into each other and at the end of the evening we exchanged phone numbers and planned to meet again the next day. So, Mike and I got together the following day, had an awesome date together, we kissed...and I totally forgot about my ex. Dave was right, Mike was just what I needed. Anyhow, Dave found out that Mike and I had gone on a date together and he got mad at me, and to this day, two months later, he is still mad and always says cruel and mean things to me. Mike and I were really happy together and so into each other, except for one detail. Dave is really jealous that we are together and he is trying to convince Mike that the relationship should end. He wont admit to being jealous, but he keeps saying that I am coming in between their friendship. It makes no sense because there is no way that I have come between them. I hardly get to see Mike because we go to different universities and live in different towns. I don't know what to do. Mike is worried that Dave is going to stop talking to him because he feels like Dave is accusing him of stealing me away from him. The dumb thing is, Dave is the one who introduced us in the first place. Mike says that he cares about me and he's going to try and convince Dave to change his mind but he doesn't know what he's going to do if he fails. So, I told Mike that it's better if we end it because Dave will never approve and he's always going to cause conflicts in our relationship. Mike said he didn't want things to end, but he doesn't know what he can do to save us. Anyhow, after a week of not talking to him I saw him online and told him that I miss him and he said the same. Then he suggested we get together in two weeks when he comes home from his campus for the weekend. I told him I would like that, but now I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I'm so mad at Dave for being such an idiot about this. He's acting as if I am his ex-girlfriend and that Mike did something totally wrong by hooking up with me. I don't know what to do. Mike really wants to be loyal to his friend because they have been friends since high school, but I have only known Mike for 2.5 months. We really, really like each other and want to be together but Dave is making such a big deal about it that it's scarring both of us. If anyone has any advice on what I can do, please help me!

Hoss, thanks so much for the advice and support. It means alot to me to know that I am not alone in this. But somehow, when it comes to my ex I feel like things can change. His parents loved me like I was one of their own. I think it made him a bit jealous. I had a really good relationship with his mom and his younger sister. When he broke up with me I knew it would be wrong of me to keep in contact with his family, and at the time we broke up he also told me that since the relationship was over I was not allowed to keep in contact with anyone in his family. I kinda broke that rule a few months later and called his sister to wish her a happy birthday. As soon as his mom knew it was me on the phone she wanted to talk to me too. She was really happy to hear from me and she said she missed me alot. She told me how my ex wasn't as close to her as he used to be, like when we were together he was so affectionate with her. But she says now he's never even home and she hardly gets to see him anymore. And we kinda joked a bit about how he would be mad if he found out I spoke to her so she promised she wouldn't tell him that we talked. I don't think my ex really appreciated the roses, I guess because he was still mad at me, hence the nasty e-mail I got. I guess in a way it was kinda hearltess for him to say those things in an e-mail instead of telling me how he really felt when he called to thank me for them. I have other posts explaining my situation from the very beginning. If you want you can read them. They're kinda long but it might put things more into context. Anyways, I dunno, I guess our entire relationship was unbalanced, but I really loved him with all I had and made sure that I showed it every opportunity that I had. I think he took advantage of that. Then again, I feel like I have lost something really precious to me too, even after this long, even though I know that he could have treated me a lot better. It was both of our faults that things turned out the way they did, but he makes me feel like I am the one who ruined his life. I can't seem to escape that feeling. More than anything, I wish our paths could cross again because I want to work out our issues. And I know if I could somehow convince him to work things out we could be amazing together. Things would definitely be alot different but I think we would both be more mature about certain things that we weren't in the beginning. It's like when we were together and on the same wavelength, nothing could separate us and we were so in love with each other, he treated me like his queen, and I his king. But when things were bad, it was a living nightmare for the both of us, we both made each other miserable, unintentionally, but sometimes even on purpose. Then again, I met someone else about 1.5 months ago and I want to explore my options with the new guy but I am so affraid that the feelings I still have for my ex might ruin whatever potential there is. Mostly, I just hope that I don't let love pass me by just because I'm affraid to let go of the past. It's like I want to move on but at the same time I don't nor do I even know where to begin even after this long. It has been 7 months and I still think about him everyday. I even miss him, eventhough I know deep down I probably deserve better. What happened with your relationship? If you don't mind me asking. ~Bumshkin

Well, after having sent him roses after not seeing him or speaking to him for a month I received an e-mail from him telling me that he just wanted me to leave him alone, that I ruined his life and enriched it but he's not sure which parts...and that he still goes through alot of pain. HE said he didnt want anymore surprises from me, no more letters, nothing. That was 2 months ago. So I left him alone. I didn't call him , I didn't e-mail him, nothing. Until a week ago... I called his house, but he wasn't home, and left a message with his uncle that I would call back later, only my intention was to just forget about it and not call him back. A few hours later, he called me and asked why I had called. So I told him it had been a long time since we spoke and I was thinking about him and wanted to know how things had been with him. He said things were really good. I asked him how his summer had been and he said it was amazing, one of the best summers he'd ever had. Naturally in the back of my mind I was wondering if it had anything to do with the fact that we weren't together anymore. I didn't say anything but I asked him if he wanted to get together sometime for coffee. And he asked me "are you sure your boyfriend wont mind". I dont have one, but he didn't know that, so I turned the question around and asked him "Well, will your girlfriend mind?" I sensed a little bit of sarcasm in his voice when he respoded, he said "well, she minds when i hang out with other girls". I'm not too sure what to make of it. So then he said, maybe we'll bump into each other at school or something.." and we exchanged schedules, but we're never on campus at the same time, so I said "well when would be a good time?" and he said "i'm sure we'll see each other at school, and if we do we can go for coffee" then he asked if I spoke to his mom when I called earlier. I told him no, i hadn't talked to anyone since we broke up 6 months ago and then he said, "well dont be calling my house in the future" and i asked why and then he said "well it's bad politics"... I'm so confused...I dont know what he means by bad politics. and how is it that just two months ago he told me that he was going through so much pain because of me (when infact he was the one who left me) and blamed me for everything that happened between us...and he's still acting like he doesnt want to have anything to do with me? Will it ever change? Will he ever stop being so selfish and show some compassion again for me, even if just as a friend? We were together on and off for 2 years...and we have been apart now for over 6 months. I just want him to stop treating me like the enemy...I dont know what to do... Anyone's insight would be so much appreciated.... ~Bumshkin

First, you need to let her know that you agree with her that the chemistry is not the same and that breaking-up is the best thing to do. I know it goes against what you are feeling right now, but if you validate her feelings she will respect you. AND remember - people want what they cant have. If you tell her that you agree with her on breaking-up automatically she will be on your side again. I guarantee it!!! As hard as it may be to do this, you also have to stop contacting her. Dont call her, dont write any emails and dont tell her you love her, because the more you push to keeping the relationship alive, the further you will push her away. Another thing, do whatever it takes or whatever she asks of you to move-on. Let her know that the faster you can get over this the better. I know it has only been a few days since you broke up and it may seem like it has been years since you have been together, but put this aside and focus on validating her needs. She needs to be away from you. So let her go. She will come back sooner or later...Just let things be, and give her time. And make it seem like you want this too. The more she sees you distancing yourself from her, the more she will want to come back. People want what they cant have like I said before. If you show her that you are against the break up she will distance herself further and further away from you. But if you show her that you want the break-up just as much as she does then she will feel almost as if you are rejecting her. Give it time, and I also suggest no contact. Dont tell her how you feel!!! Try going a month without contacting her. In that month do everything you can do that will make you happy. Smile, even if you dont feel like it, and be confident even if you dont feel it either. Eventually you regain your strength!! AND most importanly begin to realize that you DONT need her to be happy! Read my post on Steps to winning their heart back. I know this sounds like it wont work, but I can tell you from experience that it will!!!! GOOD LUCK!

Perhaps some of you have read my previous post (Can someone tell me where my ex is?) as it was only a few days ago but since then I have done some serious research on behaviour and winning the heart of someone you love. Firstly, the no contact rule does work because I have tried it in the past and was successful, however, it is not forever. If you do decide to break the no contact rule, you must make sure that it is after a sufficient amount of time (I recommend 1-2 months). Secondly, when you do break contact DO NOT BRING UP THE PAST!!! If you are going to talk to them, DONT talk about your feelings or the failed relationship because it will seem threatening to them and you will scare them away. I know people are always saying you should be honest about how you feel but at this crucial time when you first break the no contact rule you can't let them know what you are feeling. Instead you must be confident about yourself and where things are in your life and make sure you sound calm and happy. Most importantly, if you want to break the no contact rule and decide to call your ex, when you call first ask them how things are and ask them if they would like to meet for coffee in the next week. DONT hesitate to ask them to meet with you. You must be confident and you MUST ask. If they seem hesitant, assure them that it's not a threat, you just want to go for coffee and see how they are. For example you call: You: Hey how's it going? Ex: HI! Im good how are you? who is this? You: It's . I haven't heard from you in a while. Ex: Yeah, I been really busy. You: So how are you anyways? Ex: Im pretty good, can't complain. You: That's awesome! What have you been up to lately? Ex : starts taking about things they've done. You: Wow, sounds like you are really busy. Hey I was wondering if you would like to meet up for coffee sometime next week? (It's important that you ask with lots of CONFIDENCE) At this point they will either say "yes" or "no" depending on how they are feeling at them time. If they say yes set up the time and place (that you have already planned). EX: No, I don't think it's good idea right now. if they say no: say something like this very calmly and jokingly and be encouraging. You: Don't be silly. It's just coffee, and I wont bite you, I promise! (Laugh a little) If they still have feelings for you, they will agree. The big date is approaching and your feeling a bit nervous but just relax! You are going to impress your ex with the happier, confident you that you were when they first met you. So when you meet up for coffee, go looking your best, as if you are going to impress them for the first time. Put on your most genuine smile, a nice outfit and be confident about yourself. And DONT bring up the past or talk about the failed realtionship no matter what. ** IMPORTANT**If they bring it up, just let them know that you understand their reason for leaving you and you have moved on and it has given you the chance to be happier. Whatever you do, DONT tell them how sad you were and dont tell them that you miss them or that you love them or anything like that because it will seem threatening to them. Instead, ask neutral questions, like how their life is and things they have been doing to keep busy, etc. Encourage your ex to do all the talking, it will make them feel good around you! Also, if they ask you questions about how you felt when they left, let them know you were upset for a little while but you realised that you could be happy no matter what and moved on. Emphasize the fact that you are happy with the break-up and that your life is great!!! (YOU MUST DO THIS EVEN IF IT GOES AGAINST WHAT YOU BELIEVE - you will understand why this is so important later on). If they ask about your dating life be honest. If you have dated, smile about it and say that you have met some nice people that you can see yourself having a relationship with. When your ex here's this automatically they will remember all the great things about you that made them want you in the first place (and now that they are seeing you face to face after a long time they may feel slightly jealous - which is healthy if they still have feelings for you). If you haven't dated don't say it was because you were waiting for them to come back. Very confidently, tell them you've just been so busy in your own life to have a relationship and in fact, the break-up helped you improve your life and you are glad that it happened. Again, they will feel good because they will see that you respected their decision to leave you and they will also see that you are happy, and it will make them want you that much more. Most importantly, you MUST remain happy and confident at all times, even if your ex does bring up the past. Once they see that you are indifferent to what happened they will see that you aren't a threat to them anymore. (BONUS POINTS FOR YOU!!) Make this first "date" with your ex short and sweet. This way once they begin to feel comfortable around you again all of a sudden it will be time to say goodbye. It might be tempting to stay longer, but the longer you stay, the less they will anticipate seeing you again, which is what you are working towards. Whatever you do when you are saying good-bye DO NOT ask for another date. This will come later. Ok, now you are feeling good, and you are thinking about your ex alot and you want to call them, but you must apply the no contact rule again. No matter how tempting it is to call them right away you must remain distant. If you dont, then everything you have been working towards this far will be lost. Wait at least a week before you call them again to set up another date. If they call you first, it's a good sign, but keep the conversation short. Let them talk for a bit, but YOU have to be the one to end the phone call. Tell them that you are getting ready to go out with some friends or that you are going on a date and you will call them later, but don't set a time! Just say you will call later. Because you are the one ending the conversation, you will be in control of what happens next, and that will be when you call them for the second date. If they have called you, wait a few days before you call them back. Have a plan in mind of what you would like to do on your second date that you think you and your ex would enjoy doing (nothing too romantic, or fancy, maybe go rollerblading or go check out an event in the city or something) Somewhere, where it is a neutral setting, where you wont be alone together. When you call, set the date up for a week in advance, that way it will give both of you time to anticipate seeing each other again and when you do get together it will be that much more special. When you go out together the second time, keep it simple like the first date. Dont bring up the past or even hint that you want to get back together, unless they bring it up. And if they do bring it up, tell them you have thought about the possibility of having a relationship but you don't want to jump into things to quickly. Keep this mindset until you really feel comfortable asking them if they have thought about it too. Again, keep this date short and sweet as well, even if you are having lots of fun together. The same anticipation principle applies as above. Lastly, once you feel that you have gone on enough dates together to bring up the possibility of getting back together, don't be shy. Say that things have been going really good, and you have enjoyed the time you have spent together and ask them if they have also. If they say yes they have been having fun, then take it as your opportunity to ask for a new relationship. But make it clear that you want to take things slow, like you have been so far and you would like to see where things could go. Most likely, because you have been so confident and because you have been having fun together on your past few dates, your ex is unlikely to say no. And if they do say that they would rather not, tell them that you are glad that you spent time together and you had alot of fun and you understand if they dont want to be involved again. And let things be. Apply the no contact rule again, it will give them a chance to think about it and sooner or later, because you left things on such good terms, they will call you and they will in most cases have changed their mind. For one thing, because when you tell them that you understand they will see that you respect their decision, and in turn they will respect you. I have a whole lot more advice to give, but let me know how this strategy works for some of you. Good Luck!

It has been 5 months since my ex-man left me. We were on and off for 1.5 years and he broke up with me 3 times. This is the fourth. I talk to my friends about it constantly and they all tell me that he isn't worth it, but I love him so much. Everytime I look at a picture of him or think about him all I seem to feel inside is that he is the one I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. The reasons he broke up with me in the past was because he said wasn't happy anymore. So I let him be, and tried to move on. I have tried the no contact rule for our previous break-ups and I even started to date again. The first two times he came back so fast, but we couldn't make the relationship last because we jumped into it too fast. The third time, he came back to me and I tried to play hard to get and told him that I was seeing someone else, and he said he didn't mind the competition because he loved me and love would win in the end. But the person I was seeing at the time was someone he knew and was a friend of his family. When he found out about it he was so angry and said that he couldn't trust me and he would never be able to forgive me for what I did and he never wanted to see me ever again. In the first 2 months after he left me, we still got together and slept together. But I didn't want us to just be "sex-buddies" so I told him that I didn't want to sleep with him anymore. Of course he was upset, but he said he understood and he thought it was better off that we kept our distance. Since then I have written him several e-mails professing my love to him and he replies saying things like "that was very touching" or "you have me thinking about the future" and "who knows what the future holds". But I dont understand what he means by that. Two weeks ago I went over to his house to get something that belonged to me and we talked, well more like he was telling me how much it hurt him that I was involved with a friend of his family and that he would still never forgive me or trust me again and he just doesn't care anymore what I do. I bit my tongue and tried not to cry, but I told him I loved him and turned around and went to my car. An hour later I got an e-mail from him saying he was sorry for being so hard on me and he just wanted to get his point accross about what I did and that he called out my name to come back for a hug but I was already in my car at that point and didn't even notice. So I e-mailed him back and said that maybe we should get together and talk again. He replied asking "what for?". So I replied back saying that I needed some closure, and to explain why I did some of the things I did that hurt him, but I also wanted to tell him how much I still love him and that I would do anything for him. He replied again saying that there is nothing I can do, and he isn't going to change his mind and there is no explanation that can justify my actions. He went from being apologetic one day to being angry and upset the next. I know he still cares and he is still mad at me for lying to him. I love him so much and want so much for him to see that. I just sent him a dozen roses with a message saying "If love has taught me anything it is that the greatest pain is in knowing you have hurt the one you love. I know my mistakes can never be undone, but I will always love you." Someone please tell me what I should do now. I am so worried that I have gone overboard and have lost him completely. I sent him way too many e-mails telling him how much I love him and I think I have pushed him away forever. He came back to me the other 3 times, so there is a chance he will come back, but I don't know what to do to make it happen. I dont know how to go about it this time. Please help me. -bumshkin