rich46

Hi, Over the last 24 hours I have become increasingly p*ssed off with these so-called strategies and playing mind games to try and get your ex back. In some cases, like when you have acted like a jerk in the past and want to prove that you have changed, they may have some logic. However, in my case I feel like I was the innocent party and thereforeeee why the hell am I on this board, buying books about how to get my ex back, analysing myjoy's strategy etc etc? I feel SO confused right now. I have been on my own for the last few hours and I have been thinking and thinking about the last few weeks/couple of months together. She was so distant with me and it hurts so much to look back. I knew she was acting distant but that made me more needy, which in the end pushed her away to the extent she burst out how she felt, i.e. needed space, time to be free, to be single, noone to answer to. It all went downhill when she started her new job in February. She has befriended a 29 year old mother of two who got married at 18, marriage is now on the rocks etc. She has been going out clubbing with her a lot and I'm sure her thoughts have been influenced by this woman's situation. As we live 100 miles apart, I found it difficult to cope with her going out with this woman, as I know for a fact that loads of guys tried it on with her. I know she wouldn't cheat on me, but this was the first time in her life that she had been going out with friends and getting attention from lots of men. But it is hurting me so much right now that she was so distant with me. Telling me her mobile phone credit was low, when I knew it wasn't etc. Not replying to my texts straight away like she used to, things like that. Now for the first time, I am even contemplating ringing her up and telling her the truth. That I don't think she treated me very well the last few weeks and I can't be friends with her. This would devastate me and probably moreso her. I can't even believe I'm considering this, but I am suddenly hurting a lot by the way I was treated. Maybe my rose tinted glasses are slipping… The problem is it was me who initiated no contact, she really wanted us to remain best friends. I couldn't do that though as it was so painful. I said I would contact her when I was ready. That was 3 weeks ago. My feeling right now is that I will call her tomorrow and be friendly, but also honest. I will ask her realistically what are the chances of us getting back together in the near future. If she says she doesn't know, then I will tell her that I can't keep in contact anymore, and if she feels like trying again, then she should contact me. But only for that reason. I feel I can't move on while I'm in control of when I'm going to initiate contact, as I am constantly thinking about when I am going to do it. What is the old saying: "If you love someone, set them free. If they return, they are yours forever" It is something along those lines. I'm getting the feeling that I may be best to "set her free" and allow myself to move on. I can't keep doing this and I'm not strong enough to remain friends because I will be hurt and jealous of her going out all the time. Maybe it is time for a clean break? What do you all think? Thanks for your advice, it helps a lot! Rich

Ok I'm getting to the stage where I'm thinking about initiating contact with my ex. It may be a little early, but certainly within the next week or two. Has anyone got any tips on how I should play it? Quick recap. Met at university. Together 3.5 years. She needs "space and time" and "time to be single for a while" but still wants us to be "best friends." I couldn't do that so initiated no contact to get my composure and head clear. We were first loves, she was 18 when we met, now 22. We live an hour's drive away now we've finished uni. Anyone got any words of wisdom? Do's and don'ts? Thanks, Rich

Mind games. She is put out because you haven't been initiating contact with her, so she is trying to turn the tables and make out she has the power! Just keep doing what you are doing, but don't be so keen to reply to her emails. If she says you are contacting her too much, don't contact her at all!

My way is to not listen to the songs that remind me of her and definitely no love songs. The first week after the break up I couldn't listen to music full stop. Each song reminded me of her. 3 weeks later though I am always listening to upbeat tunes that will keep me in an upbeat, positive frame of mind! 8) 8) 8)

Hi, Thanks for those links, I will definitely check them out. Me too. We were first loves and maybe my ex needs time to 'explore' but I agree, that shouldn't put us off! I know lots of couples who met when they were at high school and are still together some 30 years later. You sound like you've got a good attitude, and the fact you've gone about it wrongly in the past may even help you in a weird way. She will see a marked difference in your behaviour and will be pleasantly surprised! I totally agree that you'll regret not trying - that is my situation too. If she had cheated on me, I would wash my hands with her. She wouldn't be worth it. But as she is only just turned 22 I believe I should be patient with her while she has this "space" and eventually, fingers crossed, we can have an even stronger relationship. Rich

Hi, I am still in the NC stage but I plan to use myjoys strategy when I initiate contact again in 1 or 2 weeks. You sound like you are doing great! But in my opinion, you should be really patient as 18 months is a long time. Certainly don't have any "get back together" conversations for quite a while as she may not be ready for that. Just continue to play it cool like you did last night - it sounds like you are in the driving seat. Don't give that up by being all needy and clingy again. Just keep building up the pleasurable moments like last night - I wish I was in your position! I can imagine it's difficult to not just say "Look we are obviously great for eachother, do you think we should give it another try?" BUT have restraint and don't do it. Let her see that you can have great times together, like when you first started dating. You are doing well, just don't get over confident and have plenty of patience - let her do the running! Good luck, Rich

I can see how writing a letter would help you. If you 1000000000000000000000% don't want him back, then you don't have to worry about how he'll take it. If you want to write a letter, then do it. Your psychologist knows what she is talking about. She also knows YOU a lot better than anyone on here does. In the end only you can decide. Personally, I don't see any value in writing a letter and then burning it. But that is just my opinion. I know other people keep journals and it helps them a great deal. Basically, it is almost impossible to advise you on this. Only you can decide. If you want to and you honestly think it will help you move on in your life, then do it! Good luck!

Hi, Thanks for replying |OCS|Virus. I know what you are saying, but I really don't want anyone else! Anyone else got any advice? Thanks!

I'm torn between drawing a complete line under the relationship with my ex, or staying friends in the hope that we will get back together. It is such a tough decision. The thing is, I know there is a chance that we could get back together. I'm not just holding blind hope here. Various things have given me this impression: -Just a couple of months ago she said she'd found the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. -She still wants me in her life as I am her "best friend." -She sent me a text message days after the break up saying "There is still hope for us...I can't guarantee anything but I've been thinking about you." -I told her jokingly that if we went on a night out and got drunk we'd end up kissing and we'd regret it - she said "who says we'd regret it?" -She says I will ALWAYS be the most important person in her life. ...I know all of these things could also be interpreted as the usual danger signs like 'leading me on by a string,' 'her keeping one foot in the door,' 'having her cake and eating it,' and so on. That is why I am really confused. It has been 18 days since I calmly explained that I couldn't be her "best friend" right now as I need to come to terms with what has happened. I told her I would send her a text message or something when I felt a little more ready. Ready for what though? I haave made progress in the 18 days, and while I still cry sometimes and I feel sad, it is better than speaking to her everyday and listening to what she is doing. My problem is I don't know what to do next. If I draw a line under the relationship it might help me heal and move on quicker, although it will be painful in the short term. However, I may regret not trying to stay in touch in case we end up giving it another go. I really think that she is 'the one' so I desperately want her to change her mind. If I follow myjoy's strategy outlined in another thread, then that obviously involves staying friends with her, building up the positive moments with her etc. I believe this could work, but am I prepared to risk being hurt in the long run if she decides to be with someone else? It is such a complex situation - and all these thoughts about the 'next step' are driving me mad! Does anyone have any advice on my situation? Thanks a lot, Rich

I sincerely hope so...

OK I bought the Getting Back Together Again book off Amazon the other day, and was surprised by the following statistic: "Over 80% of married couples separate for two months or longer at some time during their marriage." Now I'm not married, but I have been split up with my ex for 4 weeks now. Maybe I'm just getting false hope, but you can't help be encouraged by a stat like that (if it is true). In fact, the book has been quite helpful in leading me to believe that this separation could be a good thing, but I am scared that I am setting myself up for a fall by believing all this stuff... Any comments? Can a separation be a good thing in the long run? Rich

Confusing stuff indeed! I just read your original post surfinman and I can see we are also in a similar position, as are a few others on this message board. Me and my ex were/are first loves so I can kind of appreciate that she wants some time to be single. However, I'm not sure whether I am prepared to wait until she has finished with this "single time." Before I initiated NC, she was still saying how we should meet up and go on trips, she even said we should spend New Years Eve together like we have done for the last 3 years. What is all that about? I took that with a pinch of salt though as that is 5 months away. I think she wants the single life AND to have me as a boyfriend which like you said, can be summed up in one word...CONFUSING! I still have hope for us, and I don't think it is blind hope. I have just got to take that hope but also try to think that there may not be a future. It is difficult being in limbo like this! Rich

I hate this, I really do. My ex did the same and now it is in my head. You know what I'm talking about, dumping you but then giving you a glimmer of hope. It is their security blanket, preventing you from moving on JUST IN CASE she realises that the grass isn't greener on the other side. If it is, then I hope that she is very happy in the knowledge that she has strung you along in the meantime. Sorry I can't be more positive, but I know what you are going through. Just try to move on with your life, but don't let her call the shots or you will get hurt even more in the long run. Rich

Hi, Yeah it is tough, but the difference with my situation is, my ex hasn't tried to contact me in the 16 days of NC! Again, I'm not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. In a way I don't want her to contact me as it is clear we both need our "space" although for slightly different reasons. On the other hand though, it would be nice to know that she is thinking about me! I know I know, I shouldn't think like that. I'm sure she is thinking about me as we had (have?) such a strong bond. I find it really difficult to stop myself thinking "I wonder what she's thinking?" "Is she thinking about me?" I am making progress and I think in a few weeks I'll be ready to contact her again. My only concern is that she may have met someone else, and would I be ready for that? I don't think she would have but still, my mind races with these kinds of thoughts! r6a6r6, yes I think it is unfair of your ex to contact you like this. You did the right thing by replying in a civil manner. Her "thanks for staying in contact" line was a feeble effort to make out you can't move on without her! She may be a bit 'put out' that you are moving on and aren't giving her the attention she craves! Thanks for replying and keep me updated on your situation. Good luck, Rich

Hi, Today I bought a book called Getting Back Together Again. I also continue to post in this very forum that is entitled Getting Back Together. My question is: Am I preventing myself from moving on in my life? I suddenly thought whilst reading the first few pages of the book that I might be wasting my time here. I think I have every chance of getting back with my ex IF I play it right. We are currently 2 weeks into NC, which I initiated since I couldn't turn into "best friends" overnight while she needed "space and time" and wanted "to be single for a while." I intend to initiate contact in about 3 or 4 weeks and follow the strategy that myJoy outlined. What is everyone elses view on this? Does the very fact that people are in this forum mean they are making it more difficult to move on? I'm just in a reflective mood tonight. I want her back but right now I am scared that when I do contact her, she'll have moved on and I'll have wasted my time. I'll stop rambling now! Thanks, Rich

I'm not sure what's worst - your ex being nasty or being nice. In my case, she told me she needed some "time and space" and to be "single for a while." That hurt me like hell. But it hurts even more by her telling me there is "still hope for us" and she doesn't want to lose her "best friend." These statements just make me more confused. If she said anything nasty to me, I would move on and never look back because I treated her so well.

Hi, I'm glad in a way that you had a good day with him BUT now you are more confused than ever!!! This is the problem. I think he was out of order kissing you like that and telling you that he loves you. He is playing games and you are letting him. Sorry to be blunt, but he is. If he isn't your boyfriend anymore (as he so kindly told you) then WHY THE HELL IS HE KISSING YOU AND TELLING YOU HE LOVES YOU! As I said in an earlier post, you need to take a stand otherwise he will continue to mess you about. Right now, he has you as his virtual girlfriend but without the commitment. YOU ARE BEING TRAMPLED ON BY HIM! Please don't let him do this to you. Have some self respect! He will be more likely to come back to you if you stand up to him and tell him you are either going out with eachother, or you aren't. If he maintains that he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend, tell him straight that you need some time without contact to heal and move on. Tell him you'll contact him when you feel ready to be just friends. I am getting quite worked up about your situation because he is treating you so bad. Sure he may be confused, but honestly, you need to stand up for yourself...starting NOW! Sorry if this post is a bit harsh. I am just giving my opinion, like I did on friday. However you didn't take my advice in. I know it is difficult to do, but you must distance yourself. Why did he go to the theme park with you anyway? He isn't your boyfriend anymore. I did it with my ex. I wasn't prepared to be strung along straight after she dumped me. My bet is that if he finds someone else, then he won't be going on trips to theme parks with you, kissing you, sleeping with you, saying I Love You - and you will be 10 times more hurt than you are now. So please think about what Ive just said. Im no expert, and I might be wrong, but it seems the phrase "Having your cake and eating it" was invented for this guy! Good luck, Rich

Exactly right. That is why you must initiate No Contact. If she contacts you, be polite and friendly but tell her you need some time alone to get your head around this and maybe in the future we can be friends. In my situation, there was no way I was going to hang around for 3,6,9 months or whatever, pretending to be friends until another guy comes on the scene. That's why you should have at least a month of absolute No Contact, maybe even more. Give her a chance to miss you, but more importantly, give yourself the chance to heal and move on. Rich

Hi, Basically I can't answer your 2 questions. All I can do is reiterate what everyone else has told you - staying friends is not an option right after a break up. In my opinion of course. I lasted 1 week after my ex said she needed some "time and space" but wanted to be my "best friend." I went along with it for a while, but after 1 week I rang her back and said I couldn't just switch to being friends after 3.5 years together. She didn't sound too happy - why would she, I was preventing her from having her cake and eating it. It has been 15 days of No Contact and let me tell you, the first few days are HELL. But it has gradually got better. By the way, if she can read your journal then I wouldn't write in it anymore. By all means carry on writing if it helps you feel better, but you don't want her to know your every thought right now. Let her wonder what you are thinking. Give her space on her own. That is the only thing you can do right now. Good luck, Rich

Hi Christos, When I saw this thread I thought I had posted it! About a month ago my girlfriend of 3 and a half years told me she needed some "time and space" but wanted to remain "best friends" with me. However, I couldn't just switch like that so I told her it's best if we don't have any contact for a while - she gets the space she originally asked for, and I am not strung along in the meantime and I have chance to heal. You haven't really provided many details about your relationship, so I'm not sure whether No Contact is the way to go for you. Each relationship is different so only you can decide that. But if she has asked for space, you MUST give it her. Believe me I know how hard it is after 3 years together. But if you want to keep her ion the long run, you must do it. Don't beg or plead as it will put more pressure on her and will most likely push her away further. How old were you when you met? How old is she? I only ask because I met my ex when she was just 18. Now she is 22 and I get the feeling she doesn't want to reach the age of 30 or 40 and wonder what else was out there. We were/are first loves so as hard as it is, I am giving her this space now in the hope that one day down the line she will see the grass isn't greener on the other side, and we can maybe start again. Hope this helps a little, I know how hard and confusing it is to hear your girlfriend tell you she needs space. Good luck, Rich

Thanks a lot Brandell! It is much appreciated. Does anyone else have any comments or advice? Thanks...Rich

Hi, It has been 13 days since I last spoke with my ex. I told her that I couldn't just switch to being "best friends" overnight and that is is best if we have some time without any contact. As I have said in other posts, she sounded a bit miffed about this as if it was up to her, we would still be speaking/texting virtually every day. She did say originally that she needs some "time and space" so now she is getting it, plus I need it too. Like I said, it has now been 13 days. Not very long in the grand scheme of things. But what I wanted to know is, how long should I give it before initiating contact? I know it is impossible to say an exact time frame, but roughly speaking? A month? 2 months? If I play things right I still believe there is a chance for us (she even said this the last time we spoke). I'm aware that she could have been using me as a security blanket, which is an extra reason to do No Contact in the meantime. We live about an hour's drive away from eachother, so I won't bump into her at work or anything. Any thoughts or suggestions anyone? Thanks again, Rich

Well she originally told me she needed "time and space" and "to be single for a while" about a month ago. For 1 week afterwards we stayed in contact, texted eachother, spoke to eachother - I even travelled the 100 miles to see her on her birthday. The aim of that visit was to clarify things and hopefully she would change her mind when she saw me. However it didn't work out like that, and although we had a great time bowling and stuff, I felt even more devastated when I left. So the following day I rang her and told her that I couldn't be strung along like this, and I couldn't just switch to being best friends as it was driving me crazy! I told her I would ring her in 1 week. That week passed and I know she tried to ring me at least once. That week really helped me and when we spoke for about an hour, I sounded a lot more confident - certainly not the blubbering person I was just 7 days earlier. In fact it was HER who cried a few times, saying how it was so difficult not to just pick up the phone and text me etc. Anyway, I enjoyed talking to her but I said how I need some time without contact to move forward in life, and I also reminded her that she originally asked for space - now we both need it for slightly different reasons. I left it at that, saying I would text her when I felt more ready. Again she sounded miffed at this and said "I'll speak to you whenever then." So there we have it. That was nearly 2 weeks ago and neither one of us have contacted the other. Obviously my mind is constantly racing with thoughts of what is she up to, is she thinking about me a lot, does she regret her decision, etc. What should I do next? Thanks for replying rnorth and caveat, I really appreciate it. Have you got any more advice? Also, is there any other people who could offer their opinion on my situation? Thanks everyone, Rich

That's 3 questions! I'm only at the 12 day stage so I'm in no position to answer. It is something I have been thinking about a lot though, you know, how would it feel if my ex contacted me again? I think already I'd be cautious as she was/is my first love and this is the first time my heart has been broken. I don't want it to happen again in a hurry. Who knows what I'll be like in 3 or 4 months. Time to step aside and let the more experienced folk enlighten us... Rich

Hi, Brief recap of my situation. I met my ex after a month at University and we were together for 3 and a half years. The last year we have lived about 100 miles apart. Same old story, we always agreed that we were meant for eachother, soulmates, lucky to have found eachother etc. However, the last few months she has acted pretty distant with me. So I confronted her about it and she said "No you are not being paranoid I have tried to distance myself recently...it's not about other men just my state of mind...i do love you but i feel I need some time and space...not having to answer to anyone." She was adamant that she wanted to stay "best friends" and I went along with this for about a week. It drove me crazy though, so I rang her back and told her I couldn't just switch to being best friends overnight. So I told her that it's best if we have some time without any contact. She sounded miffed at this but deep down she probably understands why. Plus she did say she needed time and space, so now she has it. Before I told her this it was like we were still going out with eachother - speaking every day, texting etc. Anyway, back to the present. I am struggling today. I am having major doubts about whether I am doing the right thing. What does everyone else think? Am I right to have told her No Contact? I'm usually the first to tell others that No Contact is the only way to go. So I'm not really sure why I am having these doubts. I think it is because: -she didn't cheat on me, -she is obviously confused, -she has hinted that she still sees us together with confusing statements like "I can't guarantee anything but there is still hope for us" -she still has my photo on display in her room/valentines cards on her wall (at least she did when i last saw her 1 week after the break up) If she had turned around to me and said "I don't love you anymore and I never want to see you again" then I could probably move on. I would have less of a problem doing No Contact - that is why I advise others to do it if their situation dictates it. I still want to be with her though and I'm worried that in this time apart she will move on and almost forget about me in a way. I have nagging doubts that I should stay in touch with her via phone calls and texts so if she changes her mind it will be easier for her to tell me? It has only been nearly 2 weeks since we last had contact. I'm kind of disappointed she hasn't contacted me BUT I did ask for some time and I told her I would text her when I felt ready. I don't know what to do now. At the moment I'm thinking give it another couple of weeks and then send her a text saying "How are you?" something along those lines. What does everyone else think? On the other hand though, I may end up back at square one after I initiate contact. I am really really confused today. Am I doing the right thing? I guess I just need some reassurance and/or someone to tell me I am going about this the wrong way. It is easy for someone to say move on, but I honestly believe we were meant for eachother and it isn't perfectly clear whether or not she feels the same (although she's said it enough in the past). Thanks a lot everyone for reading and hopefully offering some advice, Rich