emotionography

max gives good advice. he's already been there for me, even with his own struggles of trying to find that balance with his ex. but i think that i need to add to it a little in order to make sure everything is clear on what both sides are thinking. It's true, if you really want your ex back in your life, then you need to be comfortable with the possibility that it probably won't happen. Through that building of your own independance, you can start to understand where you're going with own life, without those co-dependant feelings. It's the hardest thing to do, ESPECIALLY when your ex wants to retain a friendship with you for any reason. My situation isn't very unique, i was a victim of attraction loss due to built resentments that were months in the making - but she still wants to be my friend, even though i see her online chatting with other guys, trying to find herself, disolving her own 'self-discovery' simply to find another relationship to get comfortable in. And the best thing that i could have ever needed for myself was apathy: the anti-love, not to the point where my ex thought i was numb or cold or unresponsive (because thats what someone who cares percieves from an apathetic person), but more the ability to be there for her, but not emotionally involve myself to the point where i'll drive myself insane. One of the worst things you can do to yourself is over analyze and over think any situation with your ex's actions: Take things for face value, don't read between the lines, don't confuse piney-needy hope with faith in yourself to become a stronger person. As Max has said, in the end, there's nothing you can do to change the other person. All decisions and all feelings must be respected. it hurts, we've all been there, or we're all going through it. It's okay to let your ex know that you care, but you have to be really careful with this: you don't want to let your ex know you care simply because you want them back in a relationship. If anything, you just need to force yourself into caring about you, first. THEN, after that, see if you really want to retain a friendship with the possibility (not a solid fact) that the two of you will get back together again. There's only one strategy that max has told me will work - and that strategy isn't to get her back, it's to get myself back first, and then play everything else by ear without the pain of co-dependance aching in my chest.

hmm... i would say: move on. Who cares if he's reading your journal - public online journals are meant to be read by the public, and he is the public. If you find yourself carefully constructing what you're saying in your blog as if you were talking or broadcasting in his direction, then you're showing him that you're not comfortable with his decision. Is this guy the one? Sure you've shared a lot of intimate moments and have lots of great memories, but you also have a lot of bad memories and have tried getting back together with him before and it fail. You didn't go into much detail about the things that were pushing you apart - what are you responsible for in this, what kind of things have you learned from yours and his mistakes? I'm guessing you two have communication issues. Sure, going over problems is great... only if they're the important ones. Chances are he'll run away if you confront him about it. There's no use in trying to grow a dead plant. What you need to do is take his reading for face value. He probably cares, he probably wants to keep track of you. But you definitely shouldn't be looking into everything that he does. If he doesn't know that you know he's reading, then put it out of your mind. Don't check on it, don't focus on it. You'll only drive yourself nutty if you're over analyzing the whole thing. Just think about it for a while and come to a conclusion of what you want. It sounds like the two of you built a relationship on a pretty weak foundation. so if you decide that you want to be apart of his life, try to start from scratch and don't rush into anything you're not sure of, even if it feels comfortable or 'right'. You need to think with your head in the long run.

Maxster's definitely got a good perspective on it. If he doesn't know, then you'd probably surprise the crap out of him and sending him running. You gotta determine what you want from the relationship. You really need to stopping checking to see if he's reading your journal or not because it's just going to make you feel worse if you don't want to have a relationship with him. What do you mean by his behavior messing you up? What has he been doing to make you feel strange? Is he flirting? Making you feel regretful? Trying to guilt trip you? I think he's got himself a new hubby just as a quick fix. He could just be insecure about himself in relationships. I need to find your first post so i can read further into it.

Well, she's been reading my journal up to this point, and i've been updating it with my emotional swings several times in a day. This is currently day 6. It's a really difficult decision for me to make right now, because i do want her to have some sort of indirect communication to know that i'm doing okay. So i think i'll go pick up a journal from a bookstore and start handwriting my thoughts out again. Typing has made my life pretty easy over years.

Honestly, I have the ability to do the same thing on my online journal. While my ex isn't as frequent as yours at checking up on me, she still does. We haven't been broke up for very long. First of all, if you're the dumpee, then he probably feels bad and does care about you, just like everyone has said so far. but you also may need to take into consideration that he may feel inadaquet or subconsciously rejected at the truth that you've moved on. Chances are, if his behavior is messing you up, then he's probably not happy with his new girlfriend and is feeling some form of regret. Perhaps he has discovered that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. It would probably be best to just take it for face value: he wants to be able to check up on you to see that your life is growing without him in a private way that doesn't require him to involve himself in your life. He probably doesn't want to pressure you into thinking about getting back together because he may feel 'stuck' in a situation with his new girlfriend. However, if he knows that you have the ability to check to see who's been reading your journal, then he could be purposely trying to stay on your radar (and in your thoughts). I think it would be a good idea if you confronted him about it. If he's purposely trying to keep your attention, then it's definitely something deserves discussion. Being constantly reminded of your ex doesn't help you move along in your personal growth. of course, i'm no professional.

You definitely need to talk to her about how she's feeling. You need to explain to her that you're getting mixed feelings from her and are torn between a very difficult decision. It sounds like she still cares about you or, at least, cares about your proximity to her, but in no way should you let yourself be strung along by her if you feel that her presense in your life is negative in any way shape or form. One of the purposes of a relationship, in which you share intimate feelings with one another, is to grow with eachother. Sit down and talking with her and discuss your feelings with honestly. Find out if her 'missing you when you're not around' is based on new feelings that she's developed or just the longings in her heart to remember 'what was.' You don't necessarily want to get yourself into the same situation that broke you up in the first place. The difficult thing about relationships is that people become very comfortable in a bad routine if they're positively reinforced with feelings of passion, romance, and sex. How much self reflection have you done? Have you had a chance to focus on healing and discover why you initially put so much distance from her? The best thing to do for yourself is to learn from any mistakes that you or her may have made. Don't confront them with anger, just confront them and acknowledge them. Learning from the problems that set you two apart in the first place will not only help you come to your decision of 'what you should do' but it will also help you become ready, stronger and emotionally equipt for future possibilities of love. it's a tricky situation, but i wish you the best.

i will try this. i may improvise in certain areas, but i will definitely try this. Right now, i'm having a difficult time discovering who i am without my ex, and after reading the numerous posts on this site and i can only think to myself: How can I want to get back together with her AND empower myself towards independance? I'm only 6 days from the breakup and i'm currently not in contact with her. What about your ex's desire to retain a friendship? My ex told me that she loves me but she's not 'in love' with me and that she wouldn't know what to do with herself if i wasn't apart of her life in some aspect. I don't know what to think about that. Satch, what do you think you should do if your ex decides to date other people while wanting to remain friends? My doubts are merely telling me that my ex wants to stay friends up until she's comfortable with dating again, and at that point, our friendship will fade.

Thank you all for the advice. Each day is pretty hard. I've been updating my journal/blog thing a lot, and writing really does help me sort out my thoughts. But i can tell when she's been reading it. I don't want her to feel guilty, and at the same time, i don't want to be given false hopes of the possibilities of getting her back. I want her back in the long run. but right now, still so pained and close to everything to be objective. i'm scared of relapsing. where do you get the energy to start again? how do you fall out of love with a person?

too little too late - i am slain and powerless My break up was recent, yesterday to be more accurate. My girlfriend and I had been together for a little over two years. We had hit things off pretty quick as we had so much in common and felt strongly for one another. We moved in together about three months into our relationship: she wanted to move from her city to mine, which wasn't too far from here, and go to school, get a job that paid better than her summer job which was coming to a close, and I had extra space. At the time things just worked out perfectly. We would go out and do things and cuddle and all those things that make single people say "eew," or "get a room." Things were great. We eventually left my apartment and moved together into a house in a very nice neighborhood. Our combined finances were able to support a larger, nicer place and since she nabbed a job with our local Rental Housing Association, qualifying and moving was a breeze. When two people move in together you're having to share your personal space as well as balancing the habits and routines of a completely different person than yourself. As much as I had in common with my partner and as much as we were in-love with eachother and got along, the stress of our outside lives started to effect our relationship. I was stressed over school and she was stressed about work and we would get into stupid arguments with eachother. We're pretty stubborn people by nature and some of the arguments would get pretty heated. Our sex life was great in the beginning, as it is in most relationships, but when the bickering and the arguments started to get more frequent as more pressure was put on the both of us (sometimes just randomly) from the variables of our outside lives, she started to become distant and cold and i started to become frustrated and anxious. We were wrong about a lot of things because we weren't communicating with sensativity, understanding, and respect for the love that we shared. Three/Four months ago, our lease ended and we decided to move into separate places, she'd never been out on her own before and she wanted to feel what life was like independent... we moved a mere one block away from one another in our city grid. Even with the physical space, we were spending some portion of every day or every other day with one another until we decided that it would be a good idea to get some space. We were still arguing over little stupid things and she had built up quite a wall of resentment towards the way I would handle some of the situations. Both of us became eachother's place to vent. Nor her or I had ever acted as cruel to one another than we do with our friends and I really wanted the both of us to go and see a relationship counsellor so we could start working on our communication issues and try and work through our mutual resentments, but we never took the time to look for someone together because I had things going on or she was being overworked by the office. We had very poor communication - she wanted to handle things on the spot, and I would get frustrated because i couldn't get a lock on what i was feeling or what i wanted to do. A lot of times I merely walked out, had a cigarette to sort my feelings and thoughts out and i would come back in to find her either extremely pissed of or crying or whatever. I find it easier to communicate by writing or typing things out for myself, but when it comes to on-the-spot situations where i'm being overwealmed with emotions that i can't get into words i would usually get angry and would miscommunicate that anger as if it were towards her. Sometimes when I had issues that needed to be addressed with her, that anger would merely multiply itself. I tried going to a therapist because I couldn't communicate that frustration to her. I wanted her to understand that just because our methods of communication were different, it didn't mean that we were wrong. Sometimes after going to bed with her angry, I would write her an e-mail or a letter the next day to explain what i was feeling and what my thoughts were on the situation. That worked for a while until her stress levels would get out of control and she would double question my genuine appologies as being real or whether they sounded real or not. I meant every appology, but there were times where i was sorry and still very frustrated or angry with myself at not being able to communicate the way she wanted me to. Needless to say, our foundation progressively crumbled with building resentments and undeserved anger in both directions. Then came an opportunity that i thought would do us some good. We decided to get some distance from one another and tried not to spend every day with eachother. My step father and I were taking a 9 day rafting trip down the grand canyon. I was being taken out of my element and she was being left alone so both of us could come to some sort of conclusion about what we wanted to do with our relationship. She let me take some sexy pictures of her and I left her with a kiss and she told me she loved me, and i responded with love back. Everything was going well the weeks before i left, i had really thought we were making progress with one another. Needless to say, the trip was outstanding, everything about it was adventurous and rugged and just what i needed. Every night i would stare up at the stars and try to fall asleep at our camps formed by erosion in the canyon with the sound of the rapids hushing in the distance. Every night I came to realise that I was still madly in love with her and each day of distance made it stronger. I thought of romantic things we could do together, ideas for seeking help in solving our old resentments to make room for a beautiful future together. When I got back from my trip I knew that something was wrong. The first day back she didn't return the i love you's or the enthusiam to see me that I felt for her on the phone. I just thought to myself that she had a rough week and just wanted to get some rest as always, until i made my way over to her house to pick up my key and as i was leaving, she replaced "i love you too" with a simple "bye." My second day back, I develope my photos and cut her some roses from the garden and bring them to her at work. Once again, no "i love you." and by this point I know for a fact that something was wrong. Had she met another guy? Did something wrong happen? Is she hiding something from me? Was there something that I did wrong? - my head was spinning. I caught her online and I confronted her about the times we had last communicated and she told me that she wanted to talk but not over a chat client. The discussion she wanted to have with me was obvious. Something was wrong, and we were over - i am slain. Four hours of cold sweat and adrenalin fueled anxiety pass and I meet up with her at her house after work. She takes me inside and we sit down. She explained to me that the way we treated eachother over the years is not the way people in-love treat eachother. She explained to me that she could no longer be intimate or think of me in a romantic way, she couldn't be close to me, she couldn't kiss me. Her love for me dwindled to a platonic level as she loved me very much but was no longer in-love with me and that's what i've been grieving. Regardless of the arguments and pain we felt in the past, she is my best friend, and she tells me that she doesn't know what she would do without me in her life in some aspect. She wants us to keep our friendship and see where it grows. She doesn't want me to wait for her and she doesn't want to say that there is a possibility that we can get back together if/when we both work out our problems and grow as individuals. She had made her decision before i had even stepped off the plane. And all i could do was hurt over not being able to come to the decision with me at her side. She had a chance to process her thoughts before I came home. She knew she was going to hurt me when she made her decision, but there was nothing i could do but respect it. She cried that night as she filled me in on the dread I was expecting, telling me how much she hates to see me hurt and hates hurting me. She couldn't comfort me, she couldn't hold me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. It's day three now, as I forced myself not to cry as I organized some left over christmas decoration boxes that we had purchased and celebrated together. We still co-own a lot of furniture and possessions. I've scoured this entire site for wisdom and advice with similiar situations and i'm faced with one of the hardest tasks a breakup has to offer - can we continue being friends after this? She wants me to continue to be her best friend and not her lover and I am here with a fresh wound, like a man with no arm that can still feel the warmth of his loved one's hand craddled and entwined in his own. The fact of the matter is, I still love her and she loves me, but I am in love with her and am grieving over our lost intimacy. Is her wanting to continue to be my best friend a sign of hope for a possible future together again? Is it safe for me to think that she wants to keep me on her radar so that when we're ready for one another again, she'll be able to easily communicate it? She doesn't want to lose me. She's still completely comfortable with me in her proximity, wearing whatever she wants. What kind of guidelines should i set for our friendship? I want her back and I'll always want her back, and i'm open to the possibility of her coming into my life again, but I need the help and advice to convince myself not to wait. I need to find out what to do. I want to win her back. She calls me still. The No Contact phase isn't going to work. How do i work this? sorry for the long post, but thank you for any help or advice.