rich46

Only you can say whether you did the "right thing." If you feel like it was the right thing to do, then it was! I will be in the same situation in October when it will be the 4th Anniversary of when we met. I too have instigated NC because I couldn't do the friends thing, but she knows to contact me if she has any doubts or wants to try again. We left on good terms, so it is difficult to know what is the right thing. As we live 100 miles apart, I won't see her before then so I will debate the reasons for sending a cute card nearer the time...

I don't agree. Some contact is not always better than none. Sometimes NO contact is all it takes to shake things and make your ex come out of their confusion. Not to forget that no contact helps you heal a lot faster. If you want my opinion: cut off all contact for the time being, don't even talk to him online. You'll be doing yourself a big favor. I completely agree with dreamguy. Why should he be the one dictating terms of this friendship? "Best friends" do not just stay in touch online, they call eachother up whenever they are lonely, need picking up, need advice, need a shoulder to cry on...etc. He is keeping you hanging by the tiniest of threads so that he knows you are there for him should he need you. However, can you say that he is there for you when you need him? No because you aren't aloud to call him for a really "long time." Get tough and cut all contact. It really annoys me when people play games like this. Honestly iceesnowbubble, wash your hands with him and cut ALL contact, as like dreamguy said, some contact isn't always better than none.

Hi truelove, I'm really sorry to hear about that - heartbreaking stuff. BUT I really think that you need to move on now. It's natural to think about ways to get back with her, ways to find the spark etc. She has told you in no uncertain terms that you are not the one for her, and thereforeeee she is not the one for you. Certainly don't arrange another deep talk. You've got your answer, now let her go. One day in the near future something will click in your head and you will maybe get a bit angry about the fact she cheated on you. Then you will realise that there are other girls out there who deserve your love more than she does. Right now you are still in the denial stage which is completely understandable after 4 years together. I was there just a few weeks ago. However, I now realise that I will meet someone else one day. So you have to focus on YOU now. You can't keep thinking of ways to get her back. Get on with your own life now. You are 22 and you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it by placing this girl on a pedestal. You will meet someone better in the future, trust me! Stay strong, Rich

You make it sound like there's a good reason for cheating on your boyfriend if he is a "wuss." Anyone who cheats on me, whether I act like a wuss or a hardman, will have no place in my life. You can't justify that, and I would always fear that it would happen again. thereforeeee, I believe in the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater." It may or may not be true, but the fact that this girl has cheated on truelove should make him wary and stop believing that she is the best thing since sliced bread!

I think you have to stop thinking about her as some kind of Messiah or something. If you carry on like that you will no doubt push her further away. Remember, she is the one who cheated on you with some other guy! As is usually the case, the person who has been dumped idolizes their ex without stepping back and looking at things with a clear head. Hence the need for No Contact. No excuses. If you get back with her tomorrow, you may well be fine with her but sooner or later you will resent the fact that she cheated on you. Plus there is a saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't mean to be harsh, but you haven't thought about this clearly, which is understandable as she is your first love and you will "never get over her" (your words). I recently split with my ex and that is why I am on these boards. I thought when I was with her that I couldn't live without her. However this period of NC has been great for me as I now realise that it wasn't the perfect relationship, and my life will go on regardless. She was my first love too, so I know how hard it is. She didn't cheat on me but became really distant with me towards the end. So she wasn't perfect. Neither was your ex. So try to stop yourself from thinking about her like this. If things don't work out, YOU WILL BE FINE! You are only 22. There are millions of other girls out there who wouldn't cheat on you. So don't go begging and pleading for her to come back, as she was the one who was in the wrong. Good luck tomorrow! Rich

This is exactly the reason that I am against so-called Limited Contact. I think I could have played it cool with my ex for a while, but eventually I would have shown some kind of emotion, whether it be jealousy or other "feelings type stuff." You say that you can't do NC because she is doing it to you?? Well yes you can. You don't do NC to someone, you do it for yourself. So if she isn't calling you, then take that as a hint and move on in your own life. Trying to "get her to talk" again will just push her further and further away. No Contact is the way to go after most, if not all break ups. In my opinion of course. Obviously if it is not possible for some reason then that is another story. But none of this Limited Contact, Partial Contact etc etc - all pointless. It does not give you a chance to heal in the slightest. Like you said, 3 months have passed and you still are obsessing about her. Trust me, don't call her for a while. As tough as it is, it's the only option you have. Good luck, Rich

Rocky 1??? Rocky 4 is surely the best, the way he overcomes the death of his best mate Apollo and beats the big bad Russian in the end! Great stuff! You can't help but be touched by his relationship with Adrian (although I haven't watched it since I was dumped so I may have changed my view of it!)!

Rocky 4 - classic!

It is so hard to do No Contact isn't it as you hate to think that they may "forget" about you, or find someone else. That is why some people are against NC because they believe you need to be in touch with them to remind them of your qualities. My opinion is slightly different. You need to have absolutely No Contact with your ex for YOURSELF. Forget about your ex's feelings! The NC time is for you. If you do this so called Limited Contact then you are not giving yourself time to heal properly, as you are still doing the same old analysing, waiting, worrying etc. Don't set yourself time limits as to when you initiate contact. Do it when you have fully healed, which you haven't now. Yes she may meet someone else, but it doesn't mean it will last. Honestly, just try to put her to the back of your mind (easier said than done I know). I was in the same position last week, thinking about when I should initiate contact etc. Now I have changed and I am no longer counting down the days to Judgement Day! If she 'forgets' about me, after having 3.5 years together and being her first love, then she most certainly wasn't the girlfriend that I thought she was. I don't think she will get "too used to not having you around." 2 years is a long time to be together, and remember, she dumped you when you were around! Sorry to be blunt, but it's true. That is why you need an extended period of time without her. Then if you still want to be her friend and possibly more, you can think about initiating contact. But in my opinion, 6 weeks isn't nearly enough. It's up to you of course, but I doubt that my feelings towards my ex will have died down in 6 weeks. Only you can tell that for your situation. Anyway, just my thoughts. Good luck, Rich

Thanks Angel! I feel a lot better than I did on Monday. I still feel a little bitter at the way she treated me towards the end, but I am dealing with that. And you are right, these message boards have been great! Every time I am bored or feeling a bit down, I just come on here and remind myself that so many good people are in similar situations. Rich

Trish, your post has just reinforced my opinion that I have done the right thing, so thankyou for that. I tried to be "best friends" with my ex for 1 week after the split and it was impossible. So I told her that I am giving her this "time and space" to be "single for a while," as it is too difficult for me to be friends right now. Like you said, she'll come back to me if it was meant to be...she has my number! In the meantime I can try and rebuild my life without having to worry about her going out, or analysing her every word. Thanks again.

Great. You have a different view to that of the original poster. There's no need to force it on everyone else. bgbillo was just trying to be kind and encouraging, and reading his post helped me. Yours, on the other hand, didn't.

I feel for you, I really do. I was going out with my ex for about 2.5 years at university, and we kept it going for 1 year afterwards (despite living 100 miles away from eachother). However, when she got a job and started mixing with new people, she gradually became more and more distant with me until 5 weeks ago, she said she needed some time and space and to be single for a while. Your case is slightly different because it simply appears that you both work long hours and don't get much time to yourselves. I would just give her time and space for now. It is frustrating, but you both need to figure out what it is you want right now. I would certainly hold off on the big romantic gesture - she knows how you feel about her, don't push her. Just let her think. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but believe me I know what you are going through. It just requires a lot of patience and faith in the fact that if it's meant to be, it will be. Take care, Rich

That is scary, as my situation was exactly the same!!! We were together for 3.5 years, my ex became distant with me until 5 weeks ago she told me she wanted to be single and free, but wanted to remain best friends. Again, I tried this for 1 week but it was too difficult. In fact, it was impossible. Like you, I called her and told her I needed to get my head around things before I could even contemplate being friends. So 3-4 weeks passed, in which time I read many books on how to get your ex back, read myjoy's 'strategy' etc. Until it finally clicked that I couldn't be friends with her for a very long time, possibly ever, as she was my first love. And I wasn't prepared to get even more hurt in the long run by pretending to be her friend while she went out and enjoyed the single life, meeting other guys etc. So I called her and told her exactly how I felt, and that should she ever have any doubts, or wanted to talk about us, then to give me a call. So I agree with 'next' in that you should reply and tell her that you are in no way angry. Just thank her for respecting your need for time and space, and that maybe one day you can be friends. Deep down she will understand, I'm sure. But in my opinion, her hurt will not be as great as yours. She has obviously been thinking about this for a while, and she wants it. She may feel a lot of guilt about hurting you like this, but her pain will not be comparable to yours. So good luck. You certainly seem to have a good head on your shoulders, as you know that No Contact is the way to go and you initiated it at an early stage. Your self respect is in tact, and you should be proud of that fact. Take care, Rich

Beec, are you saying that EVERY break up is the fault of the person who has been dumped? For not meeting the "needs" of their partner? I don't think that this is a healthy take on things, and can lead to a lot of dumpees blaming themselves for something that in a lot of cases, wasn't actually their fault.

Exactly right! Don't let her have her cake and eat it!

I partially agree. However, I want to be with someone who can just accept me for who I am, and I'll accept them for who they are. If she didn't feel "seduced" by me, then she can go and find someone who will "seduce" her! If I believe that I acted as well as I could do, then why should I change my behaviour to make her feel better? What about my needs? My needs involve someone loving me and caring about me for who I am. It sounds like it is a one way problem here, and all the blame is on the person being dumped. That is why I have a problem with these strategies. Yes if you treated your ex poorly, try and get her back by showing that you have changed. If you didn't though and you truly believe that, then I am not willing to seduce her, chase her, beg her or anything.

Yeah, my ex left me because she wanted to be free and single. She is 22. I think a lot of it depends on what they were like as teenagers. My ex never used to go clubbing. Now she has got to the point that she wants to do it now before she is past it (which is strange as she is only 22). Unfortunately, I did the single thing when I was 18 and soon became bored of it. However I am glad that she has chosen to do it now rather than when we were 30 and lived together and maybe had children. It is heartbreaking to deal with as there literally is nothing you can do about it. I've taken the devastating decision to set her free, and if she comes back to me eventually, maybe our relationship will be stronger. If she doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.

RayKay, like I said, I can definitely see your point of view. And I would never tell anyone to act any other way than what their heart tells them to do. I just don't believe that building "more positive memories" will make it any more likely that my ex will come back to me. I could have 6 more months of building these memories with my ex, which would be great for her but would kill me inside. Or I could have 6 more months of focusing on myself and rebuilding my life. I believe that both options = the same likelihood of my ex coming back to me. However, in my opinion, the latter will provide me with less heartbreak. That is just based on my situation. Again, I don't agree with this. You may tell yourself that you are moving on, but deep inside you aren't because you are still hoping for a reconciliation based on acting a certain way. It occupies so much of your thoughts, that I just don't believe that you can be moving on. I agree with this, and is the very reason why I chose not to stay "best friends" with my ex. I know for a fact that I'd get jealous, or clingy, or needy. Like you, that is what I did towards the end of the relationship when she became distant. I don't want that to drag on for months until she totally resents me. I love her so much that I don't believe I am strong enough to act cool around her, pretending to just be a friend. If others can then good luck to them. That is exactly why I am giving my ex this time to be single, to not have anyone to answer to, and this time and space (her words). I'm not preaching, or trying to cause an argument with anyone. I'm just stating what I believe. Just like myjoy believes in a strategy to get back with your ex, I don't. It makes for an interesting debate and I enjoy reading the conflicting opinions! Rich

I totally understand the people who want to try and win their ex back. My own view is that your ex will come back to you regardless of whether you seduced them, did NC, begged, ignored them...whatever. Again, in my situation I wasn't prepared to walk on eggshells or do any seducing techniques. The reason being I never did anything wrong. I am a patient man to some extent, but I am not prepared to do these things to try to get my ex back. If other people are willing to be patient and take the inevitably more heartbreak, then good luck to you. I really mean that. Like I keep saying, I believe the easier and smoother path to recovery is by moving on. If my ex wants me back, she knows my number.

Very flattering , but I want you to do what YOU think is best. Like I said, I have been devastated the last couple of days. BUT my ex knows how I feel, and if she ever comes back to me, it will be because SHE wanted to. I treated her really well during our 3.5 years, and I maintained my dignity during the break up (in my opinion anyway). So thank you for the kind words. Whatever you choose to do, good luck! It will be the right decision because YOU chose to do it and you chose to do it because your heart told you to. Take care, Rich

Yeah I agree with bexcelant. Sometimes people are too quick to say "Don't send it." If you think it will make you feel better, then send it. Like I said in a post yesterday (although it has since been deleted as I swore twice in it ), these so-called strategies are a waste of time. Say your piece, and if he ever wants to come back to you, he will do it. I called my ex on Sunday and told her that I thought about her every minute of the day, that I loved her, but I couldn't be friends with her right now (despite really really wanting it to be possible). She cried when I told her these things, and although I have been upset the last couple of days, I feel content in the fact that IF she comes back to me, it will be because she wants to. If she doesn't, then it simply wasn't meant to be. She knows how I feel, and there is nothing more I can do. Sure it is going to be hard, but I can now move on with MY life, or at least try. I don't have to "analyze" her "every move" anymore. Honestly iceesnowbubble, you may well feel worse for the next few days, but eventually you will feel content and relieved that you let him know exactly how you feel. I also agree with Angel*Of*Darknes that you don't need to be harsh. Just be open and honest, and true to your feelings. I certainly don't buy this. I am fed up of thinking about who is being weak, what should I do to get her to call me, is she still interested etc. etc. etc. Lay it on the line in a nice, calm manner and then the ball is in his court. A whole weight of anxiety will be lifted off your shoulders. You'll have done everything possible, and you can start to move on with your life. Not forget him, but you can begin to move on... Just my thoughts, Rich

Thanks a lot stolenshadow, that means a lot to me. I do feel a little bit used I suppose, because I met her at university when she had no friends, and was on the verge of dropping out. She openly admits that she wouldn't have graduated had she not met me. I devoted so much time to her during our 3 years at uni that I lost most of my friends. It was a mistake, but I was so in love with her that I did it anyway. Now I feel that we have swapped places. Now I'm the one with no friends whereas she has got quite a few. But instead of standing by me, she has chosen to abandon me and go out with a load of people who she has only known 6 months. That is hard to deal with. I hope I meet one of these millions of girls one day who will want to spend the rest of her life with me...and go through with it, not change her mind when she wants to go out clubbing. Thanks for responding. Please feel free to add any more comments anyone, as it really does lift me up reading your comments. Thanks, Rich

pebek - thankyou for your words. It is so hard isn't it, the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. And I am only on Day 1. We had done 3 weeks of NC prior to yesterday but I was fooling myself into believing she would come back. Yesterday I got what I needed to know and it sounds like she is having a great time without me. That is what is hard, knowing that she is enjoying herself (which she was oh so desperate to tell me) while I am absolutely heartbroken. That's it now though, I won't contact her again. Whether she contacts me again is another matter, maybe one day she will appreciate that she has let a good thing go, and these clubbing days aren't all they are cracked up to be. That's also what I feel. I cannot understand why if 2 people love eachother, they want to split up. For me I loved her with all my heart, but she can't have felt the same if she is capable of this. Maybe once she did, but since she started her job her feelings quickly changed. It's great to know that as soon as she finds a girlie friend, she dumps me. I wouldn't be as upset if I had treated her like sh*t, but I did everything for her. This is tough.

Hi, I feel like I am devastated all over again. I have been a lot better the last 2 weeks as I fooled myself into thinking I could get back with my ex if I stayed, or she would have dramatically change her mind in the last 3 weeks. She hasn't, and when I rang her yesterday to tell her that although I really really wanted us to stay friends, I just couldn't do it. It was the hardest thing to do, saying goodbye like that possibly for the last time. We live 100 miles apart so the thought of never seeing or speaking to her is killing me and I just can't stop crying. I don't know how to stop. She sounded like she was enjoying her new found freedom, and I feel like I'm the one doing all the grieving. What hurts is that I treated her so well during our 3.5 years. Everything was going so well until she got her job in February. Since then she has made new friends, one girl in particular who is 29 years old (marriage on the rocks, 2 kids, resents being with her husband since the age of 18 etc.) So I can't help feeling bitter that my ex has been brainwashed by someone I've never even met. My ex is 22 so is scared to end up like her I imagine. She said she needed "time and space" and to "be single for a while." This is the first time that syhe has had any girlie friends as we have always been a bit like loners together. But as soon as she meets someone to go out clubbing with, she has changed so much and from saying things like "I could never live without you"to dumping me in just a few short months. I just find it impossible to comprehend that we are never going to speak again. She is 22 and I understand that she needs this clubbing phase, single phase, or whatever you want to call it. But I can't believe she is walking away from me like this. Will she one day regret it? It doesn't seem to have hit her yet. But as soon as this 29 year old woman finds another man, she won't even see her. I hate this so much. I feel like I've been replaced by someone else and it is so heartbreaking and frustrating. We both were eachother's firsts and always said how we were lucky to have found eachother. Now it is over. Please offer me some advice or encouragement as I have never felt this low before, Thanks everyone, Rich