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Brandell

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  1. Brandell
    When I have weak moments i say to myself 'Everything is going to be ok. There is a reason this is happening and the reason is to become a better person, with a better outlook, for a better purpose". Most people who come to this site are beautiful people or else why would we be here? Do you realise how many people break up with someone, move on without a second glance? Anyone who visits this siteis extemely special and the pain we are going through now will open the door to something that is better for us. We don't see it but it is there.
  2. Brandell
    I'm with ya man. I did 4 months of NC and then broke down one day after seeing her in her car and send a text to her cell. No reply. I was so angry at myself for doing that but now a further 2 months has passed and I actually feel much better. Funny thing is that unanswered text granted me alot of closure. The what ifs? were answered. Yes its lonely. Yes, there are days when it seem unfathomable to me that I may never see her again but I have to accept that may be the way of it. It really, really sucks and I, like you, have spent MANY a lonely day over this shaking my head in disbelief how someone who claimed to love me so much could turn their back on me so completely. But there you go. As someone once said on this site "If they don't want you, you don't want them". Sure it would be nice to see her again and be friends but that may not be possible. Could I even handle it knowing she is with someone else perhaps? Not for a long time, thats for sure Keep strong
  3. Brandell
    Wow. It has been 7 months since the girl I loved more than life itself turned her back on me. It has been nearly 6 months since I last heard her voice. Apart from an ignored text message which I sent in a moment of weakness 2 months ago that is 6 months of complete no contact. During the last 7 months I have managed to drop over 20 pounds in weight. Alot of the time I have felt half insane with grief. I have tried to find comfort and happiness with other women but that failed miserably as I was just using them to fill a void and to deperately block out my grief. I have no more tears left to cry. I no longer even have the strength to be angry any more. I have finally admitted to God and to myself that I cannot ever change this situation. 7 months. I am definitely not the same person. I still think of her every day and will love her forever. I also know she is gone forever. My soul mate. Good luck to you all.
  4. Brandell
    I am not holding out hope Mjane. Infact I am much stronger now but of course I still think of her. Forgive me but that comment came accross as a little patronising. We are all here to help each other. I am curious to hear others experiences.
  5. Brandell
    Did you end on good or bad terms? Good terms? Is there such a think in relationship breakup? It was neither good nor bad terms. Very emotional. She ended it with me because of emotional issues and baggage in her life. She also felt I could not offer her what she needed in terms of looking after her future. (We both are separated with our own kids). I also have issues which caused problems. Who ended the relationship, etc.? She ended it very joltingly with very mixed signals. Leaving/coming, leaving/coming back but finally leaving and me instigated no contact. Claimed she loved me more than life itself but could not be with me until we both "healed" (I have an alcohol issue I have been working on) Was there an understanding that you two would still like to be a part of each other's lives? There was an understanding, but a very mixed up one. I always wanted us to be part of each others lives but again she did/didn't, did/didn't and finally I got sick of it and instigated No Contact and I am healing well after 5 months no contact. Anyway thats my situation since you asked but really I am not looking for an analysis of my situation (I feel she is gone for good and even if she is not I am not sure I would take her back anyway now. I have had alot of time to think). No, just looking for general stories of ex's who have wondered back after long periods and what the reasons/circumstances of it were.
  6. Brandell
    .. I would like to know how many of you were contacted by your ex. after giving up hope of ever hearing from them again? Are there any cases here of an ex. contacting you after say 6 - 12 months of No Contact? And if so what form did it take? A chance meeting or call or whatever? I have heard of cases where the ex. came sniffing around just when the other had truly moved on etc. almost as if they could sense it. Just looking for any general long term no contact tales ending in an out of the blue contact and what the result was? And did those people find you could re-kindle a friendship or did it bring feelings flooding back? I have a feeling (just from reading these posts) that very few ex's contact the people they have left behind after more than 6 months has passed. Just what I have read here. Most seem to make contact within 2-4 months. Don't know if there is any meaning in those timeframes. On the plus side. I have a date tonight! Thanx
  7. Brandell
    Um, Clarabelle are you talking to yourself here? I have noticed that in your posts... you don't even invite anyone to share... I have alot to say about your post but do you expect replies? or is this just a personal outpouring?
  8. Brandell
    you can meet new people anywhere... I have met people online, organised dates that way (lots of disasters, people don't tend to be honest, particularly women posting 5 year old fotos etc. even though they have put on 30 pounds since then) haha! but so what? it's a bit of fun. With friends, just get talking to someone. Hell, I went out on a date with a phone customer! so what? It does help though of you feel good about yourself physically. I know many women find me attractive physically and that is probably what alot of them go for initially (believe me I am not bein big headed here.. I may look good but I am dying inside..self esteem wise) BUT ... I have found if you can talk to people, without the usual "do you come here often lines" and have half a brain people will flock to you... because you know what? There are a hell of alot of people out there in the same position.... lost, disillusioned, lonely, confused etc... but alot of them like to talk.. talk like a human being without the defences and usual chat up lines.. at least that has been my experience.. Has not met me the love of my life mind you... but hey... I am a tryer
  9. Brandell
    I dunno guys. I posted a message a while ago about going out with girls and it making me feel worse afterwards etc. as I am still stuck on the ex. BUT... I have met someone else yet again... and I have been putting myself out there like a madman since the split and I KNOW its because its fills a void... and I KNOW its because I don't feel happy with myself so I am just filling a void in my life... and I KNOW I need to learn to love myself first and blah de blah... but you know what? I have not thought of my ex. in days and I spent MONTHS in pain ALONE facing my feelings.. so I ask again... is it really so bad what I am doing? I mean, I might actually meet someone I really will connect with for life doing this (this new girl is REALLY pressing my buttons) How much pain, solitude, healing, self improvement, soul searching, feeling facing, self-love pursuit stuff do we have to go through anyway... I have been doing it for months and you know what? I AM LONELY. I know I am not emotionally ready for meeting women and all that and believe me I have turned alot of them off me by being obviously sad and pre-occupied with something.. they eventually found out it was the ex. and left.. but.. I don't know. At least it gets me out of my room and out of my thoughts and feeling alive again...even if it does endlessly fail. Maybe though, maybe I might just meet someone better eventually if I out myself out there enough. And it sure does take the mind off the ex. thoughts?
  10. Brandell
    .. It has been nearly six months since I split with my ex. I love her deeply but she is gone from me forever. I tried to get her back but have failed. During the months May thru August I went on ten dates and slept with six women, some more than once. I put myself out there sexually and got alot of interest.... but.. every time I had sex with someone I felt worse and missed my ex. more. The people I slept with, even the ones who liked me and possibly wanted to develop more, sensed this... and they all left. What am I doing? why does being with other women feel so wrong? what should I do? Being with other women is not helping me. Its distracts me momentarily but I feel worse afterwards. Please give me some advice. I am trying to improve myself. I have stopped drinking. Have lost weight. Bought a new car, new clothes. I feel happier but when I meet and sleep with other women I feel worse. Everytime I put myself out there alot of women want to be with me but I have no feelings for them. I am just going through the motions. Am I so hung up on the ex. that I will never meet someone else I can give myself to emotionally? What am I doing wrong?
  11. Brandell
    She wants to start a family with a convicted child molestor? That fact alone should convince she is not exactly operating out of a full deck of cards at the moment. This is very unlikely to last. My guess is she is on a "grass is greener" trip.
  12. Brandell
    Yes! Make a list and refer to it in moments of weakness. It will give you strength and perspective. At least it has for me.
  13. Brandell
    Something interesting happened to me over the past few days which seems to have given me complete closure over the break up with my ex. I say SEEMS because I know I have only been feeling like this a couple of days but something has DEFINITELY changed. I sent a text to my ex. after four full months of no contact. (story is below under heading "what a fool I am!"). I received no reply to the text. At first it jolted me back to square one but then a day or so later something changed in me Funny enough me sending that final text and getting no reply was the best thing I could have done to get closure on this thing! Reason is that when we split there was lots of mixed signals and it was not calmly ended but in jolted stages. So when I instigated no contact with her for four full months I ended up building this person up in my mind into some kind of Goddess or perfect being. I was convincing myself I would NEVER love anyone as good again and that I had lost the love of my life BUT when I sent that text it was like all of those illusions in my head came crashing down. I then sat down and wrote a list of all the BAD things about being with her and when I read them it was a revelation! THIS was the person I wanted to be with so bad? THIS was the person I thought I cannot live without? Oh my God! There were so many things that I had blanked out in my mind during the No Contact. I had forgotten how badly I had been treated and how erratic was her behaviour towards me. The No Contact WAS helping me heal.... BUT... somehow the lack of contact was also building the relationship up into my mind into something it was not. Not seeing her was helping me on a day to day basis but I must have been clinging onto irrational hopes of a reconciliation and deluding myself into thinking one day it WOULD work out... but I never stopped to ask myself if it SHOULD. Now don't get me wrong. I am not chaning my mind about No Contact. It is a very good method for moving on but FOR ME I was obviously still clinging onto an illusion during the four months and not facing the fact that it was OVER. It was only when I sent the text asking to meet and talk and recieived no reply, and it was only after I sat down and HONESTLY looked at the relationship and made a list of all the things that were dysfunctional about the relationship that the veil started to lift from my eyes. Now I know that it has only been a few days and I am not out of the woods yet but something has definitely changed. Anybody relate? What is happening to me?
  14. Brandell
    And I was one of the biggest advocates of No Contact on this site in the last while and what did I go and do?? God, I am hurting so MUCH that I sent the message. I am back to Square ONE!! Please anybody respond if only with identification.
  15. Brandell
    well, one way to look at it (and its the only consolation I can give myself) is that the break in NC may have re-opened a stalemate in communication if she was not contacting me because I was not contacting her scenario. This was a faint possibility in my mind as she was very hurt over the breakup too even though she instigated it as she felt "outside issues and baggage" were too much to keep our relationship going. She always claimed she loved me deeply though even up to the very last contact. Very faint consolation I know but maybe.... just maybe it was worth trying. Anyway. Does not matter now. The lack of response says it all. Thanks Rich. Help me heal again guys!!!!!
  16. Brandell
    It has been 5 months since my breakup and 4 months of No Contact and what did I go and do yesterday? Went and sent a text message to her cell fone asking how she was and would she like to meet for a coffee some time. OF COURSE I have received no reply and its unlikely I ever will. What was I thinking????? What sparked this off was seeing her in her car yesterday afternoon and then I went home and started to think and decided to send this message just incase she still thinks of me. Reading back over the message now it sounds so pathetic... stuff about me being a stronger person and it would be great to meet for coffee as there are some things I would like to say for closure (relationship ended without proper closure as lots do) and you know what the message screams?.... I AM STILL INTERESTED... and now she will know that. Ahhhh!!! tell me I will get over this.
  17. Brandell
    If I could conquer all our fears Can forgiveness dry the tears? If I falter my soul I'll sell On the Coldest day in Hell I'll never let you down How can I tell you now? But only Heaven knows I won't let you go I dream of demons through the night A restless fever 'till morning light My body's cold, my head's on my fire Give me back my life Kill this ghost inside of me let me sail on deep blue seas A new beginning, another page Dawn gives in today When I'm dreaming I'm dreaming of you When I'm breathing I'm breathing with you
  18. Brandell
    I did not want to cry today... but now I am. I wish I could help you... but know that I am with you. Are hearts are pure and exceptional... or else we would not be here and suffering.
  19. Brandell
    Interesting that this post was top of the heap this morning as last night I was out and "nearly" sent the ex. a text to say hi. My hand was shaking over the "send" button but in the end I said No! and closed the phone. I was just going to say "Hi, how are you doing?" but then I thought I would get 4 possible results from this: 1) I would be afraid she might text back TOO much info like "great! doing well, met someone marvellous and am happy. How are you?" 2) Would get a bland reply like "fine thanks" or a nasty one like "fine. I have moved on. Please don't contact me again" 3) No reply at all 4) The text would not go through as maybe its possible she would have changed her number to avoid just such contact WOULD ANY OF THESE RESULTS HAVE MADE ME FEEL ANY BETTER? NO! In a fairytale world a 5th response is possible as in "Thank God you contacted me! Was just thinking of you! Lets meet! I missed you!" but how likely is that? Yep, you got it...slim to none. No Contact is the way to go. If we are to speak to the ex's again let them do the initiating and let US be in control of how it goes. How long were you in No Contact before you contacted her? And what was your thinking just before doing it and what result did you expect? Sorry to hear of your setback. Won't take you as long to get back on track this time though. Keep strong.
  20. Brandell
    Oh dear. My ex. did exactly the same thing to me. Dumped me and then came to me a couple of weeks later. We talked for hours and also ended up in the bed. I thought we were back together but the next day I was given the marching orders again. I have to tell you that experience of her coming back and leaving again drove me to my knees. It hurt me MORE than the original breakup. It is the reason I have had to instigate no contact. All I can say is you really should not have done what you did but its too late now. All you can do is be totally honest with him and now and realise that what happened would have hurt him probably more than the original breakup. Maybe you two should cut all ties for a while. Maybe down the road you can be friends. Things are too raw now and this thing of "comfort sex" or whatever after a breakup is extremely damaging. Good luck
  21. Brandell
    John, you are seriously obsessing here. You are cornering in on every tiny aspect of her life. I am not sure what to say to you my friend. I wish I could help you but you are very much in denial. I would like to advise you to try and concentrate on yourself and stop this constant obsessive over analysis of every aspect of your ex's behaviour. The truth is John that she is not with you, at least for now. The reasons are somewhat irrelevant at this stage. Do you want to get better? Do you want to stop this obsessive over thinking? It is 4 months since my breakup. If I was contstantly checking email, worrying why she had not been round, driving by her job etc. I would be TOTALLY insane by now. I can appreciate that you guys spent so long together and shared so much but you seem SO sure it will eventually work out and that your ex. has just lost her marbles temporarily. Maybe you are right but what about you? and your life? She is not with you NOW so what are you going to do? Obsess yourself to death or give yourself a break? Wish I could help
  22. Brandell
    Only initiate contact when you are in the following state of mind: 1) you can talk to her calmly without getting over emotional, clingy, angry, depressed or needy 2) you need to come accross as cheerful, positive and self sufficient 3) you need to have thought about the relationship away from the "fairy tale" image most dumpees latch onto and view the relationship or what it is (or was). Take responsibility for your part in its demise and recognise the other parties part aswell. 3) If you seriously want to initiate contact to rekindle the relationship you have to be sure that whatever problems that caused the relationship to fail can be solved, are solved, or are willing from both sides to be solved. 4) No Contact is about you. To heal and view things with a clearer eyes away from the relationship. 5) You have to be prepared to accept that the relationship may be over There is no clear cut answer to how long. I am 4 months down the road and I am not yet in the position where I feel I can initiate contact with my ex. If she initiates it I would be receptive but I will not as I do not want to face anything which might drive me back to square one in healing. In my opinion 13 days is not nearly long enough to get the perspectives I mentioned above before contacting your ex. but thats just my opinion. Good luck!
  23. Brandell
    Thats pretty profound. You mentioned in a post earlier that she emailed you out of the blue on your birthday too. I don't know. if that was me I would be reading all sorts of things into the dream/contact. You know divine intervention, fate, karma yada yada. I would probably be walking on cloud 9 after an experience like that. I dream of my ex. all the time too but our paths have not crossed. Dream interpreters say when you dream of an ex. it is because the ex. in the dream represents YOU and how you felt at the time with your ex. in the dream. These can represent how you feel about yourself and also it can represent unresolved issues about yourself you might be bringing into a NEW relationship. They say dreams are rarely about the person you see in the dream but about you and how you feel about yourself, the other person, current relationships and state of mind. These kinds of things are rarely prophetic but it sure is a major conincidence you ran into her. I am not sure what advice to give. Maybe thi is a sign you are meant to be together eventually or maybe the "forgive me" in the dream and then the tearful meeting has granted you both the emotional closure for the future. That is you were meant to meet one last time to acknowledge your feelings and to forgive. Anyway, hell of an experience. I am at the 4 month mark now too and I just don't know how I would be if I met her. I suspect I might cry and i really don't want that. Good luck
  24. Brandell
    Ok, not sure which forum to post this question on, all of this breakup stuff seems to get so fragmented between this and the "healing" forum and "breakup" forum. God knows I have posted on all 3 without really really knowing if it was appropriate to "that" forum. I guess I'll post it here 'cos this forum seems to get the most hits. Us desperate dumpees eh? hmm.. very sad. Anyway MY QUESTION IS: For those whose ex. contacted them after an EXTENDED period of No Contact (I am not talking about those people who are 3 days without no contact, or 2 weeks) I am talking about, say, 3 to 4 months of NO CONTACT and they called you, or you bumped into them. What happened? How did you feel? Had anything changed?
  25. Brandell
    you sure you have not been drinking this evening too_shy? Lotsa spelling errors going on there lol Yes, leaving alcohol out is perfect advice (I should know). It causes temporary numbness but the depression comes back five fold afterwards
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