Disillusioned Guy

I think a visit to your mum will do you the world of good. I spent a week with my parents after my breakup and ranted until I was totally exhausted. They listened, told me their feelings on the whole matter and made me about a million cups of tea. Try to smile at something - anything this weekend. If something funny happens, have a laugh - you will probably feel miserable 2 seconds later but it's all about trying to lighten the mood. I really appreciate a sunrise and sunset now - I never really noticed it for years. The colours, the clouds are all really beautiful - just have look and smile. I often think about how in the greater scheme of things how insignificant my ex really is. But then I'm a bit strange

The hardest thing to accept it that she would go and consider starting a family with someone else before talking it through with me - when she knew I would stand by her through the hard times of bringing children up - basically I would have never left her or let her down. I don't know the answers and yes - it's really hard and painful everyday. I find myself thinking of her all the time and to make matters worse I even have dreams about her some nights where everything is okay only to wake up to the reality of life. She said she still cared for me last time we spoke (3 weeks ago) - yet how can you care for someone that you have been cheating on and deceiving for months ??

Totally agree with you (although I'm 19 years older than you). BUT !!!! Suddenly you will meet a girl who will make your heart sing and you will realise that you just needed to meet the right one. Saying that - you will never, never understand women as they are completely different to men.

Oh god Garyl - This is all so familiar. It's amazing how other people who are not attached you you or your situation can see the obvious that you are blind to (I'm 100% guilty of not seeing the obvious in my marriage split). You have to imagine a priority list - and where you should be on it. On your list your Wife would probably be number 1 priority along with the kids - if your NOT her number 1 priority then I'm sorry to say it, but it's all downhill from here. The moment a married woman starts living a life outside the marriage (going out, coming home late etc) she has normally made up her mind that her partner is no longer important to her. If you were important then she wouldn't risk the relationship by going out and telling lies. It doesn't matter if they come back and apologise for their behaviour and promise to put more into the marriage - there is a certain innocent trust that everyone has in their loved one that is gone forever after they do something like this. Sorry to be so cold about it all.

I thought I had read your post properly - I was wondering if his was feeling unsure about committing with the view to marriage, family etc. I was in a similar situation many years ago with a girl who told me straight that she wanted a family ASAP - and I broke up with her because of it. I was heartbroken to leave her as I did love her but I knew deep down I would never be happy with her and a family I didn't want. It's probably not the same situation with you - just my experience.

Ah !! An empty bed all alone - I know that feeling all too well. When my wife walked out on me totally out of the blue I would wake up in the morning and my mind would replay all the good memories like a video player over and over until I thought I was going to go mad. These days I quite like to be able to stretch out and hog the whole thing (being 6 foot 5 ins normally ment that some part of me was stuck out getting cold. Lol) Sorry to ask a personal question - but what was the situation with children. Did he want them or not ?

I've read through your story and feel really annoyed at your fella. What the hell does he think he's playing at. My ex did the 'oh im just friends with this guy' rubbish and she ended up chucking our 9 year marriage for him. Girls can only be friends with men if they have known them for a long time - generally two people of the opposite sex getting chatty and friendly normally means attraction. It sounds to me like he's enjoying the attention with two girls after his attention -ignore him and focus on your life, once you do this half the excitement he's experiencing will disappear with you.

Thanks for the replys, I does make sense what you are saying princess777 but I always thought she was happy without children. She just suddenly seemed to change her mind and begin demanding what she wanted. She only needed to talk to me about it and we could have worked it out. I was totally against kids 10 years ago but my feelings have mellowed with age. I do think she believes the 'grass is greener' and I'm really worried that she is going to find out that it isn't. The biggest upset for me in this despite the loss and the forthcoming divorce - is the lies. We never lied to each other all this time. She has lied so much that she doesn't know where the truth starts and the lies end. I was willing to try and work on any problems as I really didn't want to lose the one person I really loved.... I still love her yet I also hate her. I can't bear to drive past her parents road or go places that we used to go. It's a nasty thing to say, but I hope she does suffer for what she's done. As the the guy she is with now - I'm telling you the truth about his past. Apparently he was set up (yeah right!!)

I've posted a few bits here and really feel that I'm talking to people who have fought the battle and won. This is my story if you want to know. I was married to a wonderful girl for 9 years, we had been going out together for 11 years. She was everything I ever wanted, and our relationship was great. We were kindred spirits and soul mates. I trusted her as she trusted me and for many years we had a happy life. We never had children which was our decision so we managed to spend time going away travelling and just enjoying each others company. At the time a job was offered me in another town about 300 miles north of my hometown and it looked good - so after a bit of thought and deliberating we made the move and headed north. cutting a long long story short - the job was crap. I was working 12 hour days constantly and realised that I really wasn't happy anymore, so I quit the job and we moved back.. Then things started to go strange. She became very distant and forgetful, she started going out for meals with her 'friends' all the time. on our anniversary I wanted to go for dinner somewhere but she said that we couldn't afford it - so we went to her parents instead, 2 days later she went for yet another meal with friends much to my annoyance. She would come back home later and later until she was coming home at midnight after going out at 7.30pm just to see her Grandad (a visit normally lasted an hour when I was there). She stopped telling me she loved me and her behaviour got stranger and stranger. Some guy who I didn't know very well began to drop her home from work. Finally she said that she wanted to 'go it alone' and she wanted a family (try and figure that one out), she refused to try and reconcile - I was absolutley devestated. for 2 weeks I cried and wouldn't accept it. I went and saw her parents and we met up to talk - I wanted to still see her and see if we could sort things out, she agreed but a little halfheartly. For 12 months I lived my life around her, being there for her and trying to spend as much time together as I could - I heard rumours about her and this bloke going placed together but I didn't want to accept it. She slowly excluded me from her family events and I still tried to make it work. Finally she TEXT me to say it's time we moved on. I now heard that she is seeing this guy (which I knew) - but he is 40 years old (8 years older) and did 6 months in prison for child molesting...... I don't understand it ?????

The problem with the saying 'there are plenty more fish in the sea' is that I don't want to go out with a fish. I have gone through the whole range of feelings following this horrible time - Depressed, moody, suicidal, tearful etc etc. People at my workplace tend to keep out of my way as apparently I look like I could murder anyone who speaks to me. I was quite shocked when I was told that. I'm currently in the very early stages of sorting out the divorce (she won't help) - there is still so much pain and heartache to suffer yet. My work has suffered for it which makes me feel very guilty and useless.

It's early days for me yet but the comments I'm reading here tell me in no uncertain terms that I'm not alone with the feelings that I'm having. I went out for a drink with my cousin and had a great time. I drank, danced and chatted to girls (even got a phone number which I've been to shy to call) - it was great, but old habits die hard. I found myself thinking that I shouldn't be flirting like this (I was with my partner for 11 years) and actually felt quite depressed about the whole episode the next day. My feelings just bounce around all over the place at the moment.

What a fantastic post - Bravo my friend. Perhaps there is hope for me yet.

I have to say I like your idea of listing the bad things about the person and reading them. I never thought of doing that. I'm only 3 weeks into my split (I can post the whole sad episode if anyone is interested - it actually reads like a bad soap opera) so I'm still spending a lot of time sitting at home thinking of her which I know I shouldn't do. If you can feel the change within you then I applaude your new strength. I will take some hope from your situation that I to can get through what has been the worse time of my life.