Clarabelle

I met someone online on another forum a while ago and we hit it off, very low key but fun. We were planning to possibly meet IRL for the holidays because he was thinking about visiting a friend in the area, but he decided not to come because he said it's a long drive. I wonder if I'm being blown off. I don't know whether to continue to keep up my online banter with him or not, or just keep moving on.

Things are getting better. I wish I could say that some new love interest had showed up in my life, even though my husband is convinced I have found someone (he asks our little girl all the time who my friend is - but that's because I've cut off contact with him). I wish I could really have full NC with him. I wish also I could say with absolute certainty that I didn't want him anymore AT ALL, but I miss him sometimes and my little girl really misses him. She also does not want to go to his new apt and have his new GF babysit for her - she was very negative about the GF. I asked my husband to spend time with our daughter when he could take care of her and spend time with her all the time,not when he was going to leave her with his GF. I wish I could have an opportunity to try again with my husband, but if that's ever going to happen, the impulse can't come from me. He has to be the one who makes amends, not me.

It would be helpful to you to look into counseling to sort through some of the strong emotions you experienced in the past and are having now.

Yesterday I realized that I needed to have some sort of resolution, because I still have a sense that my husband and I should try to save our marriage. I have been pretty firm about no contact, but my husband keeps sending me mixed messages, keeps calling to say hi or to pass on a funny joke or to see how our daughter and me are doing, like last weekend on our trip to Chicago. He has said a number of times that he's confused, but this separation has been an opportunity for me to slowly detach and declare my boundaries. I texted him saying that the fact that he rushed so quickly into a live-in relationship was proof that he didn't love me or value the marriage. He called back to say that he was upset by the message and that he didn't want to comment on it any further. I said I need to know what you want from me and where this is going. Is it over? He said yes, it's over, I do love you, and I have other things that I want to say, but you'll interpret them as mixed messages, so let's leave it at that. I asked if he didn't want to save his marriage. He said I lived with you for six years and we were unhappy most of the time and that I should go out and find a boyfriend to treat me nice, go out, have fun, be free, live your life. I asked do you want to get divorced? He seemed somewhat taken aback and said, yeah, we can get divorced. YOu can get a divorce. I said, no, you do it, I don't want the extra work, the ball is in your court. I know that he has this fantasy, sort of along the lines of "if you love something, let it go", that if it's meant to be, we'll find each other again when we are happy and strong, not angry, confused and needy - I know because he shared this fantasy with me several times. While that would sound beautiful and romantic if it wasn't my situation and we were talking about younger people who don't have families. One part of me wants that happy feeling that we had when we first met, that happy, sweet guy, our potential, another part of me looks at how we have suffered these past years, and another part of me looks at him jumping into a live-in relationship and I can never trust him again. I'm feeling free and calm but also incredibly sad, feeling the loss.

Hi everyone - Someone (Brandell, I think) commented here in response to one of my last posts that I use the forum to pour my heart out - he's absolutely right. I don't think I'm the only one who uses this forum in that way. The value I derive here is from our combined strength. I went to the divorce lawyer last week and he strongly advised me not to pursue the separation agreement, that it would be counter-productive. He said, "My advice to you? Do nothing." As the lawyer pointed out, my husband is giving me what I want now: help with our daughter and splitting our shared expenses. We are learning to communicate and cooperate. That was what was missing before. Like so many of us here, I'm going through an emotional whirlwind. Sometimes I feel fine, other moments I want this situation to be resolved. I want my husband to say he understands why I had to ask him to leave and that he's still committed to our marriage. But I've come to understand his wariness. He's afraid I'll ask him to leave again. He still says he loves me and even though I asked him for limited contact, he still sends me funny/caring messages. Today when we were talking about our daughter and our finances, he sounded annoyed and rushed. During this phase of limited contact, I would have let it go. But today something was different. I took a chance. After we hung up, I texted him saying that I didn't know why he was in such a rush to hang up and seemed annoyed with me, but I was trying to discuss our daughter and our finances for a moment. He called back immediately to apologize, explaining that he only had a few minutes left on his cell, and then left me another voice mail to apologize, saying "don't think bad things like that. I love you guys." Even though it hurt to hear him say he loved me and our daughter, while he remains unwilling or unable to return home, I left a message back simply thanking him for his messages and that I had misunderstood his seeming haste. When I'm feeling happy about my self, I don't obsess about the lack of resolution with my husband. I would love to learn to let go and embrace my life. But the fear and anxiety take over.

I've noticed a pattern to my thougths and emotions. Most of the time everything is fine, I feel calm and accepting, but sometimes I feel upset, agitated, unresolved, and that's when I make poor decisions. Until recently it was also when I got into conflicts with my husband. NC has been good. But what came up for me last night when I was feeling calm and relaxed and happy is that I truly want an opportunity to resolve this conflict with my husband, and to resolve it as a family, as a couple. I won't feel comfortable until I do. NC has allowed me to see the ways I contributed to our fights and problems. Reading the posts of the dumpees on this forum has helped me understand why my husband might not want to come back to me and why he might want to stay with his gf, even if he's not head over heels about her - she's kind to him, as well as the fact that they don't have a substantial history and haven't had to face conflict yet. He already told me he's afraid I'll ask him to leave again. I can't go back to what I was doing with him before in our separation (being friends, hanging out) because we were still fighting about the same old stuff, he was having his cake and eating it too (having me and the gf), and he wasn't coming through as far as the child care. Now we are not fighting and he is really cooperating with me about our daughter for the FIRST TIME ever. Plus I won't indulge him as long as he has another gf. He asked me before to wait - I did for a while, but I won't put myself in that position anymore. NC is working for me, and I won't be put into the "torn between 2 lovers" scenario again, but I do love this man and I feel strongly committed to making our marriage work. Maybe it's a matter of time, trust and faith, and putting love in my heart and into the limited interactions that we do have for the time being.

Go slow and take a deep breath. And try not to obsess about it. Have fun and enjoy each other.

Absolutely. I take breaks from this site as needed.

Our situation is complicated. I asked him to leave but my intention was always to reconcile after we had taken a breather. I wanted NC from the beginning. He on the other hand wanted contact, but initially said that he didn't want to be married to me anymore, even though he wanted to hang out, wanted sex, etc. He found a gf but admitted that his "secret" wish was to reconcile with me, he just needed time. I was patient and accommodating, but I realized that those tactics were not going to help him make up his mind and he would keep saying he needed time, wasn't ready. We were get along sometimes but the lack of resolution was driving me crazy, as was his inconsistent attitude toward child care (which is what broke up), so I inititated NC. It's been good for me. I don't know if I still want to reconcile. I feel at this point I did so much to demonstrate that I was open to it and I've done all I can. The effort would have to come from him now.

You got it.

NC really works. I can't do it full out because my husband and I have a child together, but at least the drama is over. I am back in the driver's seat, and in control of my emotions. I still have tough days, especially Sundays, but it's getting better, and most of all, my husband can't jerk my chain anymore or keep me in limbo. I'm imagining a better life for myself. Two small but good things happened yesterday. My husband called me (I didn't answer) and left a frantic, unpleasant message about not being able to babysit at the time I needed it because "i'm working and making money, unlike you." Normally that would have really pissed me off in the past, but because I didn't answer his call, I didn't have to take the bait. I texted him back saying that I had made other arrangements, but could he please send me his schedule, so that I could make my plans? I wrote at the end that it wasn't about making money, but about cooperating and helping each other. I also thanked him for the help he had been able to offer with our daughter lately (thanks for the suggestion, Muneca!). He called me later to ask where I was (ha! ha!) and to apologize for the making money remark, and I accepted his apology very neutrally. End of conversation! Also, my daughter, who is three, mentioned that although she would like have daddy come home some day "when he feels better", she was happy to have him out of the house because "he was being a bad daddy."

It's really tough. I wish I had more friends now. All my friends are moms too, and it's hard to get people to come out and play, because I know it would be really beneficial for me.

No, I'm sure he cares about you, and doesn't want to close the door to future involvement, for whatever reason, but you are right to move on. And don't you worry a BIT about possibly pushing him too far.

I agree with Rich. You need some distance from this situation, Raykay. You are way too invested in your ex, and we all can see - with care and compassion, and not criticism - that it's not good for you. How much longer are you willing to put yourself in limbo? We all know why we put ourselves in limbo - so that we can avoid feeling the loss. Putting ourselves in the situation you are in allows us to maintain a connection to the other person. I hope I'm wrong, but what do you do when you wake up one day and discover he has moved on completely?

Raykay, I'm sure your boyfriend is a really nice guy, and you seem like a sweetheart. But even the nicest guy can play games with your heart. Fantasia is right - you're not entertainment tonight, and you're being MUCH too hard on yourself just because he didn't give you the reaction you wanted. I believe that others on this forum and I have said to you that you need to divest yourself from this exhausting situation so that mini-interactions like the one you described don't rock your boat so much. Otherwise, you will spend the next however many months? years? waiting for this guy to make up his mind. Don't put yourself in that position. Put yourself first. It's lovely that you feel that you and this man are destined to be together. Trust yourself enough to back off so that you can see your own feelings clearly. You are not in control, as evidenced by your reaction to him. If you pursue less contact/limited contact, you will get in control of your emotions and you will put things in their proper perspective. I really think you have to leave this guy alone for a while!