Silencer

I'd said bad stuff to her before we went to that nightclub. Indeed, that was why we had the fight that night. I've not attempted to contact her for about a month and a half now and sometimes I still feel the anger, but mostly I feel a longing for her. I know we won't be friends now because of the things that happened and the things I said, and that hurts. She's too unforgiving to ever want to talk to me again, that much is clear. But I find it hard to get her out of my head. I've even stopped going out the last couple of weeks because one of my friends is going out with one of her friends and I just don't want the reminder, or anything that's happening with me getting back to her somehow. Problem is the loneliness is compounding my unhappiness. I'm trying to keep busy but there's only so much you can do couped up at home. I'm hoping against hope that soon it'll end up in the past, but that doesn't seem to happen.

If you have feelings for him, say it. Sounds to me like you're both on the same page. Beware though, I'm the guy who thought it was a good idea to get into a long distance relationship with a long-term anorexic sufferer.

Sorry to be selfish here, I know you're asking for advice but I have a question for you. I'm interested in going backpacking, I'm just out of uni and working a temporary job for five months to save some money while I decide what to do. I've considered going abroad a lot because I've not seen much of the world and I'd love to experience some other cultures, even if only briefly. I also think it's would do me the world of good in helping build confidence and making me more sociable. Thing is I have absolutely no clue about any of this kind of thing. I was just wondering do you have any advice/helpful resources?

Give her a day or so to try again, if she doesn't then call her back.

I don't exactly know why I'm so angry. I just am. I mean she pissed me off with the way she behaved but that's no reason to say the things I've come close to saying to her. I tend to think that I have a somewhat sadistic streak with people who get close to me and then pull away. And I have to admit sometimes when I hurt someone part of me is glad. We had an argument on the way back from a nightclub, and I just wanted to ignore her after it. But she kept trying to talk to me and in the end she started getting too close. The argument didn't bother me, and neither did the insults she threw at me. I deserved them. I'd said stuff to her before that I regretted and I felt that by arguing with me like that she was at least getting it off her chest. Indeed, the moment it got heated the second thing to come out of her mouth was a couple of the things I'd said to her. But like I said, that didn't bother me, it was her actions that bothered me. The way she leaned on me, the way she snuggled up close to me and asked me some question in the innocent voice she uses. I felt like she was screwing around with my head. She was the one that told me we weren't going to be friends, she was the one that instigated the break-up, so how come she's the one there breaking the boundaries that should be set up? How come she's allowed to mess around like that. It gets right up my f-ing nose.

It's been a while since I last saw my ex and I feel better about it all now. I don't think about her nearly as much and I want to do stuff for myself now. But I do have a lot of resentment built up for her, for some reason I just have this anger and I don't like it. Sometimes I just want to be sadistic and send her a nasty e-mail, but I've managed to hold it back thus far. I was just wondering how can you get this out without spewing it in the direction of the ex?

Hard to say really. My current situation has seen both of those. At first we stayed friends, and I found it not so bad, we only kept in contact via e-mail and I didn't really have any problem up until the moment we met up in town. After that I found it impossible. The other sideof the coin came with the argument we had in the following week. Since then the feelings I had intensified, and not seeing her around for the last month hasn't really helped, I still think about her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. If anything I want her back much more now than when we were friends. But then I'd just be happy to be friends again, knowing she probably hates my guts, that's a hard thing to swallow.

Who's feeling sorry for themself? At the moment, apart from the difficulty with my friends I couldn't be more at ease with things. I'm not competing with her in anyway. My problem is I want to make myself a better person, I want to stop being so down on myself and build some self-confidence. I'm exercising a lot of self-control to keep her out of my life and it's started working so I can handle that. I just really want to work on me.

Ever since I broke up with the ex I've been doing bits and bobs by way of exercise, I've got some weights that I spend some time lifting every evening. I bought some trainers so I could start jogging, but I'm too damn lazy for that, I went out once and almost coughed myself to death afterwards. Heh. I may give it another shot sometime soon.

What do you do when you really want to break the NC, when you know you shouldn't? The same happened to me last Sunday, I was really bored and it made me think about things with her and I really wanted to contact her. It's happening now and I want to avoid it.

I'm a pessimist so you may not want to take my advice. If all you did was inquire about that and she threw a fit at you I'd just give a simple, honest apology and leave things at that. I don't think you did anything massively wrong, maybe asked a question you shouldn't have, but to have provoked that reaction... someone is either very very sensitive or guilty. That's just the way I see it. On the other hand the ultra-pessimist side of me would say leave it. If she said she doesn't want to talk to you again, don't talk to her again.. or at the very least give her time to calm down.

I can empathise. Whilst I enjoyed being with my ex, and had feelings for her, they were never as overwhelming in the relationship as they were after it. I'm starting to debate with myself whether that is because I miss just having someone rather than her (unlikely, because I don't think it would have lasted this long), whether it's infatuation (also unlikely due to how much I miss her) or whether it's just that now I can't have her (possible). I do think it's mostly because it's her I want and they are genuine feelings. I had a relationship before her that was much more emotionally intimate, and that went away a lot faster. The bad thing about the relationship was that it came at the wrong time, I had a final year of uni to concentrate on and it wasn't really conducive to a relationship with someone I only got to see every other week. Now I have the time and peace of mind, I don't have her. Ironic really. Give yourself some time to work it out for yourself, it could be one of the things I mentioned above. It may be that you lost out on someone you really want. Giving yourself time to heal is really the only way to get more of a handle on things.

That's fair enough, but I see no reason why I should cut my best friends out of my life for any period of time. I've got 3 good friends around this town. One is going back to uni next week so I will not see him around til xmas. One is so screwed up on drugs that we never see him anymore anyway. The other is going out with my ex's friend. That's my social life right there. Unfortunately, if I cut my friend out who is going out with C, that's it, I have no social life. I don't make friends easily so this is not something I can just do. I can't stand being stuck at home every night, really. I have nothing to do and I feel like I'm wasting my life, it's partly because I've got a high motivation for work left over from uni, and I miss the fun times I had then. It's bad enough that this is a deadbeat town with absolutely zero opportunities for fun anyway (Let's go to the same pub every weekend...). I've considered not going out for a while, just keeping to myself and all, but I don't think it's realistic, it'll do me more harm than good. I can see where you're coming from, and to a degree I agree with you. But it's not feasible. I don't always bump into the ex because of this situation. For me it's just something I have to deal with in the event. It's been a couple of weeks since I last saw her and I don't feel so bad about things. I'd like to avoid her and any reminder of her for a while, but how likely that is I don't know. We'll see.

I made a couple of posts in the "Getting your ex back" forum, and on retrospect they belong here. I'll c&p them for the sake of completeness so anyone offering advice knows the situation... but I was just wondering, how do you work on yourself in order to heal after a break-up? I know some things that I did wrong in the relationship, and I know somethings wrong with me, but just how do you self-improve so you don't make those mistakes again? ------------------POST 1------------------ I broke up with my ex a few months ago and I've been pretty torn up by it. It's hard to get a handle on my own life and be happy because I've been plagued by thoughts of her and wanting to be with her again. I want to be happy though, I don't want to be this miserable thing that just goes from day to day waiting. I want to have a good time, to be confident in myself and to move along. I don't want to wait for her (especially as it's unrealistic we'll get back together). But things happen. We had an argument a month or so ago and I said some harsh things, and I never thought I'd hear from her again. Recently I went out to a club with some friends and 'cause my mate is going out with one of her friends, she was getting a lift in the car with us. Most of the night she just ignored me and I ignored her. But before we got in the car for the journey back we talked a bit, it was raining and she was holding a coat over her head, she kept trying to get me to stand under it. In the car we had another argument because she was sniping at me, and we both said some harsh things to each other. After that she tried talking to me, asking me questions about stuff in general. I ask her what she's been up to and one of the three things she recalled was the computing course she did, and made a point of saying how she saw me there (I was doing a course at the same place). Then she starts leaning on me slightly, I move my arm because it made me feel uncomfortable, and she made some jilted remark about it. The she decides she wants to use my shoulder to rest her head on. The thing is I've been wondering for two weeks whether I missed a chance and whether any of those were signals. I've been wondering if she wants me back or she's just being slightly insensitive in her behaviour by not recognising what should be clearly established boundaries (she's never been one to really think through what she does or says, so I know she is capable of insensitivity). But the last day or two I've realised that I shouldn't be like this, I shouldn't be waiting for her like I am and analysing everything she said and did. I should just be getting on with life and making myself happy. So yes, we should be enjoying ourselves for our own benefit, not just to make someone think we're doing fine. I want to be at that point, I'm not yet, but I am working on me now rather than just waiting. ------------------POST 2------------------ I'd be more than happy to get to NC and to some extent I've had that since. As I said one of my friends (Let's say B) is going out with one of her friends (Let's say C). Now I like C, she's a nice person and we get along fine so I see no reason why I should avoid her as well and I don't want to make things awkward for B or C. I was down the pub a week after the incident I described, with another friend (Let's say J), B couldn't come out because he was ill. However C turned up with a couple of her friends and sat with us. I had no idea the ex was going to show up because C said nothing to me about it, if she had I would have left beforehand. When she did turn up it just came down to us ignoring each other. Y'see, I'm all for no contact, but I'm not going to forsake my social life to avoid her. I mean, why should I? For me that's denying myself my happiness because of her, and I'm not going to let that happen. The only thing that's keeping me sane at the moment is going out with my friends, every night at home in the week bores me senseless. The only other problem is that sometimes I talk to C about the ex, and I get the impression whatever I say is reported back to the ex to some degree. When we had the argument the ex said some things that she wouldn't have known otherwise. I've decided to cut that. ------ EDIT: (Additional) I've had an hour or so to think things through to myself, with more of a level-headed approach than usual. I honestly believe she doesn't want me back, she was slightly drunk when we had that argument, and the things she said and did were most likely just the result of her naïveté and insensitivity. I've also said some things to her that I wouldn't expect her to forgive me for. I could delude myself that her actions were some sign that she missed me and wanted me back, but ultimately I know her better than that. She broke up with me once before for three weeks, because I visited her at uni and was kind of off-ish (I felt uncomfortable because I didn't have anything familiar apart from her around). But a few weeks later she came to visit me under the guise of bringing a CDr she made, we went out to a club had a few drinks and she started getting touchy-feely with me and we ended up kissing... and got back together. And it's mostly because of that that I've been fooling myself. I know that if she did want to get back with me she wouldn't come out and say it because that's not how she does things, she'd do something physical, so I've been grasping at the straws presented by her. Things like her leaning on me/using my shoulder to rest her head on, when I was talking to a friend and noticed her in the background staring at me over his shoulder. I just feel a bit miffed. It's not like her to cross a boundary like she did, after the break up. We stayed friends at first, but I made the mistake of admitting how I felt after we met up in town. After that she's been very NC in her behaviour and quite strict in it, although I worked in the same place as her for two weeks and we had a couple of conversations (a couple of frosty ones, one which led to an argument, and one which was really really pleasant). But like I said, it's probably just the drink that made her act that way and lower her inhibitions. She's also never been one to apologise properly, she sort of gets all pally and gets close to make up for the things she does wrong (one of the things in the relationship that really got to me a couple of times). Anyway. Now I just need to get on with me and me alone. I won't deny it's going to be hard, but that's just the reality of the situation. Sorry to have ranted so much, at such a great length, but it's been good to get it off my chest. Or shoulder.

I'd be more than happy to get to NC and to some extent I've had that since. As I said one of my friends (Let's say B) is going out with one of her friends (Let's say C). Now I like C, she's a nice person and we get along fine so I see no reason why I should avoid her as well and I don't want to make things awkward for B or C. I was down the pub a week after the incident I described, with another friend (Let's say J), B couldn't come out because he was ill. However C turned up with a couple of her friends and sat with us. I had no idea the ex was going to show up because C said nothing to me about it, if she had I would have left beforehand. When she did turn up it just came down to us ignoring each other. Y'see, I'm all for no contact, but I'm not going to forsake my social life to avoid her. I mean, why should I? For me that's denying myself my happiness because of her, and I'm not going to let that happen. The only thing that's keeping me sane at the moment is going out with my friends, every night at home in the week bores me senseless. The only other problem is that sometimes I talk to C about the ex, and I get the impression whatever I say is reported back to the ex to some degree. When we had the argument the ex said some things that she wouldn't have known otherwise. I've decided to cut that. ------ EDIT: (Additional) I've had an hour or so to think things through to myself, with more of a level-headed approach than usual. I honestly believe she doesn't want me back, she was slightly drunk when we had that argument, and the things she said and did were most likely just the result of her naïveté and insensitivity. I've also said some things to her that I wouldn't expect her to forgive me for. I could delude myself that her actions were some sign that she missed me and wanted me back, but ultimately I know her better than that. She broke up with me once before for three weeks, because I visited her at uni and was kind of off-ish (I felt uncomfortable because I didn't have anything familiar apart from her around). But a few weeks later she came to visit me under the guise of bringing a CDr she made, we went out to a club had a few drinks and she started getting touchy-feely with me and we ended up kissing... and got back together. And it's mostly because of that that I've been fooling myself. I know that if she did want to get back with me she wouldn't come out and say it because that's not how she does things, she'd do something physical, so I've been grasping at the straws presented by her. Things like her leaning on me/using my shoulder to rest her head on, when I was talking to a friend and noticed her in the background staring at me over his shoulder. I just feel a bit miffed. It's not like her to cross a boundary like she did, after the break up. We stayed friends at first, but I made the mistake of admitting how I felt after we met up in town. After that she's been very NC in her behaviour and quite strict in it, although I worked in the same place as her for two weeks and we had a couple of conversations (a couple of frosty ones, one which led to an argument, and one which was really really pleasant). But like I said, it's probably just the drink that made her act that way and lower her inhibitions. She's also never been one to apologise properly, she sort of gets all pally and gets close to make up for the things she does wrong (one of the things in the relationship that really got to me a couple of times). Anyway. Now I just need to get on with me and me alone. I won't deny it's going to be hard, but that's just the reality of the situation. Sorry to have ranted so much, at such a great length, but it's been good to get it off my chest. Or shoulder.