slushie

Just to clarify, my girlfriend was lost her virginity with me. I guess I made it a little unclear, but I was her "first".

Thanks for all the replies. It definitely is an awkward situation to be in. A few things to point out. This girl is someone who is geniunely a good person. Obviously, there is some bias in that statement, but she is someone who is honest and has a great heart. I have spoken to her since my first post and feel better about the situation. In terms of her simply falling back to me, and using me as "second best", I don't see that being the case. A big part of the reason we broke up was based on me not always putting enough effort into the relationship. Things weren't great when she left town, and I do understand the reasons for the break up. It was a breakup that happened for good reason. Since her return to the city, the vibe between us has been WAY better. We are more open with each other, more attracted to each other and overall enjoy our company more. It is quite refreshing, and as odd as it may sound, breaking up was the best thing that could have happened to us. I'm not worried that her feelings for this guy were deep and that she simply bounced back to me. From what she has told me she though he was a cool guy but she never developed any true feelings for (she has known him for a few years, hadn't seen him for a while till the summer). There was obviously a physical attraction, but after she "did the deed", she did not have a desire to grow anything with him. Her thoughts seem essentially to mirror how I felt in the past after sleeping with someone just for the sake of having sex. I know it is a convenient tale for her to tell, but I believe she is being honest. I really think the trouble I am having is picturing her having sex with someone else. I was her "first" and I guess the thought of her having casual sex immediately after disturbs me. That said, I feel somewhat hypocritical because I have had "meaningless" sex before and have had a one night stand as well. I suppose it is the thought of someone I care so much for doing the same. I think this is something I will get past. The place we are right now is very good, hopefully I can focus on that. Thanks for all the feedback and feel free to share any comments....critical or otherwise.

My girlfriend and I just recently got back together after being broken up for roughly a month and a half. We had broken (initiated by her) during the summer. She had gone away for the summer to a different city, and our relationship was somewhat sour when she left. She broke up with me in August and part of the reason was that she had feelings for someone else. When she got back in town, it wasn't long before we were hanging out and the feelings grew back. She had told me that nothing materialized with the "other" guy and that she was seeing no one else. She said that nothing happened and that she soon realized that she wasn't interested in him. Just the other day, she told me she slept with this other guy after we broke up. This is eating me up. She was a virgin when we started dating and I always respected the fact that she valued the intimate side of a relationship in the sense that she had only been intimate with people she cared about. Anyways, she said that it was something that she regreted the day after. She also said that she thinks she did in as a way of forcing her to get over the breakup. It sounds like she is honest about it, but I seem to be struggling with it. I know technically she did nothing wrong, but I almost feel as though I have lost respect for her as I always viewed her as a moral person with a good heart. I do realize things like this happen quite often after a breakup as people look to fill a void, but I can't seem to just shove it aside. Any insight?

Silencer - I think you know what you have to do. Putting it in action is tough, but it must be done. You are still in a stage where you are not in control, and the situation is playing with your mind. It seems as though the contact you have had with your ex since the breakup hasn't been overly productive. The fact you have gotten into arguments probably signals that there is still unresolved tension between the two of you. I believe that if you commit to focusing on yourself, the rest of the pieces will fall into place.

Thanks for the reply. I certainly didn't mean to put a negative twist on her finding herself. You're right, it's not corny and it fits her as a person. If I take a step back from it and put it into perspective, it is an appropriate thing for her to do and is a positive thing. As you say, I am kinda stuck in the middle and that is difficult. Time will tell I suppose.

My ex-gf broke up with me about a month and a half ago when she was away for the summer. Since she came back home, we have been hanging out and have been intimate at times. At this point I'm getting some mixed signals and I'm a little confused as to what I should do. We have spoken about "us", and she has said she still has feelings for me. However, she says that she is going through a stage where she is "finding herself" and that being in a relationship is something that she doesn't know if she could handle. There are no other guys, I know that for a fact. I also know that she is not looking to date or explore other people. She is questioning her path in life and as corny as it may sound I believe she is questioning things on a spiritual level. She does still act in a way that is more than just friends. Whether it's emailing multiple times in a day, or calling every day, there are signs that tend to get my hopes up. On one occasion, she told me she got jealous when she thought I had gone out with another girl. Ultimately, I would love to hear any advice about the situation and whether you think I am just holding on to nothing. Thanks a bunch

Don't get overly caught up in the situation. The last thing you want is to get hurt again because you got your hopes up. I would take it slowly, and don't be quick to call or arrange another date. Girls love to have some type of a challenge so don't make it appear as though she has the control. My two cents.

It really is a battle, but I think with a few good weapons it's one that we can conquer and come out of stronger.

Zipp - good to hear you learned from the breakup. I must ask, before you recently met with your ex again, had your life gotten back to "normal". I really think it is a good idea to view a breakup as a growing experience, and that all the negative energy created must be shifted to something positive. Nonetheless, the idea is a good one, and I am wondering how your "battle" went. Thanks!

Like many of you, I am currently going through the stage of wanting my ex-girlfriend back. At this point though, I think it is becoming clear to me that I have to shift my focus. I hope to start a discussion about this, and get people's feedback. A brief note about my situation if you haven't read previous posts: my ex-gf moved away this summer to a different city (only for the summer). A month before she came back she broke up with me. Before she left, things weren't great and we talked about it. I wasn't fully emotionally in the relationship and I was determined to changed that, but with her being away things didn't improve and she ended it. Now she is back. We have hung out a bunch, talk quite a bit and even slept together. However, she says she is "confused" and it is clear that she isn't ready to be in a relationship with me again. What is also clear is the toll this is taking on me. I am consumed by the situation. It is constantly on my mind, and it is safe to say my life in general is affected negatively by it. I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my focus has to be on ME. Right now my energy is focused on getting her back, and this isn't healthy. I'm sure many others are getting their hopes up because of mixed signals. Others are probably formulating plans on how to "win" their ex back. I know I have read many posts about how to get them back, all the time envisioning how it can happen. Bottom line, we need to focus on us. I have read many people say that the way to win your ex back is to act confident and appear as though you are happy even without them. To act in a way that shows them that you have a zest for life even without them being their. Wouldn't it be great is this wasn't just an "act". That's what I know I have to work on. How many of us have sleepless nights worrying that they had met someone else? Or overanalyzed a simple email or phone call? Or asked ourselves "what if". For me all of the above apply. I know this is an unhealthy thought process and I have to change my mindset. It is very hard to realize that life can go on without her. But in reality, I was happy before I was with her. It eats me up to think of her with someone else, or realize that her feelings for me have changed, but that doesn't make me any less of a person. The fact remains that I have to stop trying to get her back and focus on building my confidence and leading a content life being single. I think that there are so many of us focusing only on getting back with our exes that it makes it nearly impossible to move on and be happy. I myself know that it is hard, and although I write this with optimism, I will probably be "down and out" later on today. Bottom line, my focus and attitude must change. We all deserve to be happy, and that can easily happen without being attached. I would love to hear feedback on this. Although I don't think it is wrong to hope to get back together with someone, it is not right to devote a lot of energy on it and it must be put at the very back of your mind in order to make the best of the situation.

Thanks again. From what I have read it seems like the thing to do is to accept the fact you are not together and simply present yourself in a confident manner when you around them. Talking about the past or future unless she brings it up is probably not a good thing. Also, I read that some people have appeared to be a little more distant in order to give them the impression that they are over the relationship. Things like not returning a phone call right away or declining to hang out once in while. I have considered this approach....any comments? For example, when she says call me tomorrow, is it appropriate to not call? Again, thanks for the comments. I figure many of us are in similar boats, and might be looking for similar answers.

One other question (sorry to be annoying), would it be totally inappropriate to plan some type of romantic event? Nothing over the top, but something to show her where I stand and that I am commited to making it work. Would this be a good or bad thing?

Thanks for the replies. I gotta say that the whole situation is taking a toll on me. I seem to get mixed vibes from her, and don't want to pressure her into anything, yet it is hard to hang out with her and act simply as her friend. I often find myself wanting to talk about "us", but I have done fairly well at holding that in. Any other suggestions? I'm so eager to hear her say "I want to be your girlfriend again" but I know that I can't rush that. Ahhhh the saga continues.

Okay, so about a month ago my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me. She said she was not "in love" with me anymore and that she thought the relationship had hit a brick wall. She had moved about two hours away just for the summer, and was away when we broke up. Before she left, we talked about the relationship being somewhat weak, and I must admit in large part it was due to me not being fully emotionally involved. There were times I was not a true "boyfriend" to her. Anyways, that talk made me realize she meant a lot to me and I assured her things would be better. Problem was that that was right before she went away and I never had that chance as we saw very little of each other in the summer. Anyways, now she's back. We spoke on the phone when she got back and then went out for a drink. We had great conversation and there wasn't any tension like there was at one point. We spoke of the relationship, and she did mention that she could see us getting back together but that she was cautious. Anyways, there was chemistry and we held hands but nothing further. The next time we hung out it we spoke again about "us". She basically said she still had feelings for me but didn't want to rush into anything again. There was some definate apprehension about getting back with me on her end. Nonetheless, that night ended with us sleeping together, but there appeared to be more intimacy than just sex. It was a good moment with much of it being spent simply holding each other. At this point, I'm not sure how to proceed. Part of me wants her back. I'm not sure if it is simply me wanting to feel cared for again, but this is definitely on my mind throughout the day. I don't want to annoy her and keep talking about "us", but ultimately I know that when I hang out with here I am often thinking about the possibility that she will "fall" for me again. I know she enjoys my company. I make her laugh and I can tell that there is definitely a desire on her end to spend time with me. I guess she may just need to sort out where her feelings lie. Anyways, can anyone offer some suggestions? I feel as though I am almost still acting like her boyfriend when I hang out with her (paying for lunch as an example) and I don't want to get hurt all over again. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks for the reply hazlcha. Our situations sound familiar, although I myself am still not sure if I do think I want her back. She is such a great girl, but I'm not sure we're compatible in that sense. However, I do know that I am hurting right now. I can't stand the thought of her with another guy. The fact she would develop feelings for someone else eats away at me. I know I care for her, but I don't want to fall in the trap of thinking we're gonna get back together. That may never happen so I don't want to psych myself up for disapointment. However, I am curious to see how things are when she returns. Not sure how to proceed from here. I don't want to be a whiny ex-boyfriend who asks "why" and "what-if" to her constantly. I was intending to give her space to figure out where she is. However, I do want to remain in contact with her to a certain degree. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH, what a grind!!!