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Clarabelle

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  1. Clarabelle
    I met someone online on another forum a while ago and we hit it off, very low key but fun. We were planning to possibly meet IRL for the holidays because he was thinking about visiting a friend in the area, but he decided not to come because he said it's a long drive. I wonder if I'm being blown off. I don't know whether to continue to keep up my online banter with him or not, or just keep moving on.
  2. Clarabelle
    Things are getting better. I wish I could say that some new love interest had showed up in my life, even though my husband is convinced I have found someone (he asks our little girl all the time who my friend is - but that's because I've cut off contact with him). I wish I could really have full NC with him. I wish also I could say with absolute certainty that I didn't want him anymore AT ALL, but I miss him sometimes and my little girl really misses him. She also does not want to go to his new apt and have his new GF babysit for her - she was very negative about the GF. I asked my husband to spend time with our daughter when he could take care of her and spend time with her all the time,not when he was going to leave her with his GF. I wish I could have an opportunity to try again with my husband, but if that's ever going to happen, the impulse can't come from me. He has to be the one who makes amends, not me.
  3. Clarabelle
    It would be helpful to you to look into counseling to sort through some of the strong emotions you experienced in the past and are having now.
  4. Clarabelle
    Yesterday I realized that I needed to have some sort of resolution, because I still have a sense that my husband and I should try to save our marriage. I have been pretty firm about no contact, but my husband keeps sending me mixed messages, keeps calling to say hi or to pass on a funny joke or to see how our daughter and me are doing, like last weekend on our trip to Chicago. He has said a number of times that he's confused, but this separation has been an opportunity for me to slowly detach and declare my boundaries. I texted him saying that the fact that he rushed so quickly into a live-in relationship was proof that he didn't love me or value the marriage. He called back to say that he was upset by the message and that he didn't want to comment on it any further. I said I need to know what you want from me and where this is going. Is it over? He said yes, it's over, I do love you, and I have other things that I want to say, but you'll interpret them as mixed messages, so let's leave it at that. I asked if he didn't want to save his marriage. He said I lived with you for six years and we were unhappy most of the time and that I should go out and find a boyfriend to treat me nice, go out, have fun, be free, live your life. I asked do you want to get divorced? He seemed somewhat taken aback and said, yeah, we can get divorced. YOu can get a divorce. I said, no, you do it, I don't want the extra work, the ball is in your court. I know that he has this fantasy, sort of along the lines of "if you love something, let it go", that if it's meant to be, we'll find each other again when we are happy and strong, not angry, confused and needy - I know because he shared this fantasy with me several times. While that would sound beautiful and romantic if it wasn't my situation and we were talking about younger people who don't have families. One part of me wants that happy feeling that we had when we first met, that happy, sweet guy, our potential, another part of me looks at how we have suffered these past years, and another part of me looks at him jumping into a live-in relationship and I can never trust him again. I'm feeling free and calm but also incredibly sad, feeling the loss.
  5. Clarabelle
    Hi everyone - Someone (Brandell, I think) commented here in response to one of my last posts that I use the forum to pour my heart out - he's absolutely right. I don't think I'm the only one who uses this forum in that way. The value I derive here is from our combined strength. I went to the divorce lawyer last week and he strongly advised me not to pursue the separation agreement, that it would be counter-productive. He said, "My advice to you? Do nothing." As the lawyer pointed out, my husband is giving me what I want now: help with our daughter and splitting our shared expenses. We are learning to communicate and cooperate. That was what was missing before. Like so many of us here, I'm going through an emotional whirlwind. Sometimes I feel fine, other moments I want this situation to be resolved. I want my husband to say he understands why I had to ask him to leave and that he's still committed to our marriage. But I've come to understand his wariness. He's afraid I'll ask him to leave again. He still says he loves me and even though I asked him for limited contact, he still sends me funny/caring messages. Today when we were talking about our daughter and our finances, he sounded annoyed and rushed. During this phase of limited contact, I would have let it go. But today something was different. I took a chance. After we hung up, I texted him saying that I didn't know why he was in such a rush to hang up and seemed annoyed with me, but I was trying to discuss our daughter and our finances for a moment. He called back immediately to apologize, explaining that he only had a few minutes left on his cell, and then left me another voice mail to apologize, saying "don't think bad things like that. I love you guys." Even though it hurt to hear him say he loved me and our daughter, while he remains unwilling or unable to return home, I left a message back simply thanking him for his messages and that I had misunderstood his seeming haste. When I'm feeling happy about my self, I don't obsess about the lack of resolution with my husband. I would love to learn to let go and embrace my life. But the fear and anxiety take over.
  6. Clarabelle
    I've noticed a pattern to my thougths and emotions. Most of the time everything is fine, I feel calm and accepting, but sometimes I feel upset, agitated, unresolved, and that's when I make poor decisions. Until recently it was also when I got into conflicts with my husband. NC has been good. But what came up for me last night when I was feeling calm and relaxed and happy is that I truly want an opportunity to resolve this conflict with my husband, and to resolve it as a family, as a couple. I won't feel comfortable until I do. NC has allowed me to see the ways I contributed to our fights and problems. Reading the posts of the dumpees on this forum has helped me understand why my husband might not want to come back to me and why he might want to stay with his gf, even if he's not head over heels about her - she's kind to him, as well as the fact that they don't have a substantial history and haven't had to face conflict yet. He already told me he's afraid I'll ask him to leave again. I can't go back to what I was doing with him before in our separation (being friends, hanging out) because we were still fighting about the same old stuff, he was having his cake and eating it too (having me and the gf), and he wasn't coming through as far as the child care. Now we are not fighting and he is really cooperating with me about our daughter for the FIRST TIME ever. Plus I won't indulge him as long as he has another gf. He asked me before to wait - I did for a while, but I won't put myself in that position anymore. NC is working for me, and I won't be put into the "torn between 2 lovers" scenario again, but I do love this man and I feel strongly committed to making our marriage work. Maybe it's a matter of time, trust and faith, and putting love in my heart and into the limited interactions that we do have for the time being.
  7. Clarabelle
    Go slow and take a deep breath. And try not to obsess about it. Have fun and enjoy each other.
  8. Clarabelle
    Absolutely. I take breaks from this site as needed.
  9. Clarabelle
    Our situation is complicated. I asked him to leave but my intention was always to reconcile after we had taken a breather. I wanted NC from the beginning. He on the other hand wanted contact, but initially said that he didn't want to be married to me anymore, even though he wanted to hang out, wanted sex, etc. He found a gf but admitted that his "secret" wish was to reconcile with me, he just needed time. I was patient and accommodating, but I realized that those tactics were not going to help him make up his mind and he would keep saying he needed time, wasn't ready. We were get along sometimes but the lack of resolution was driving me crazy, as was his inconsistent attitude toward child care (which is what broke up), so I inititated NC. It's been good for me. I don't know if I still want to reconcile. I feel at this point I did so much to demonstrate that I was open to it and I've done all I can. The effort would have to come from him now.
  10. Clarabelle
    You got it.
  11. Clarabelle
    NC really works. I can't do it full out because my husband and I have a child together, but at least the drama is over. I am back in the driver's seat, and in control of my emotions. I still have tough days, especially Sundays, but it's getting better, and most of all, my husband can't jerk my chain anymore or keep me in limbo. I'm imagining a better life for myself. Two small but good things happened yesterday. My husband called me (I didn't answer) and left a frantic, unpleasant message about not being able to babysit at the time I needed it because "i'm working and making money, unlike you." Normally that would have really pissed me off in the past, but because I didn't answer his call, I didn't have to take the bait. I texted him back saying that I had made other arrangements, but could he please send me his schedule, so that I could make my plans? I wrote at the end that it wasn't about making money, but about cooperating and helping each other. I also thanked him for the help he had been able to offer with our daughter lately (thanks for the suggestion, Muneca!). He called me later to ask where I was (ha! ha!) and to apologize for the making money remark, and I accepted his apology very neutrally. End of conversation! Also, my daughter, who is three, mentioned that although she would like have daddy come home some day "when he feels better", she was happy to have him out of the house because "he was being a bad daddy."
  12. Clarabelle
    It's really tough. I wish I had more friends now. All my friends are moms too, and it's hard to get people to come out and play, because I know it would be really beneficial for me.
  13. Clarabelle
    No, I'm sure he cares about you, and doesn't want to close the door to future involvement, for whatever reason, but you are right to move on. And don't you worry a BIT about possibly pushing him too far.
  14. Clarabelle
    I agree with Rich. You need some distance from this situation, Raykay. You are way too invested in your ex, and we all can see - with care and compassion, and not criticism - that it's not good for you. How much longer are you willing to put yourself in limbo? We all know why we put ourselves in limbo - so that we can avoid feeling the loss. Putting ourselves in the situation you are in allows us to maintain a connection to the other person. I hope I'm wrong, but what do you do when you wake up one day and discover he has moved on completely?
  15. Clarabelle
    Raykay, I'm sure your boyfriend is a really nice guy, and you seem like a sweetheart. But even the nicest guy can play games with your heart. Fantasia is right - you're not entertainment tonight, and you're being MUCH too hard on yourself just because he didn't give you the reaction you wanted. I believe that others on this forum and I have said to you that you need to divest yourself from this exhausting situation so that mini-interactions like the one you described don't rock your boat so much. Otherwise, you will spend the next however many months? years? waiting for this guy to make up his mind. Don't put yourself in that position. Put yourself first. It's lovely that you feel that you and this man are destined to be together. Trust yourself enough to back off so that you can see your own feelings clearly. You are not in control, as evidenced by your reaction to him. If you pursue less contact/limited contact, you will get in control of your emotions and you will put things in their proper perspective. I really think you have to leave this guy alone for a while!
  16. Clarabelle
    One thing about relationships is that it's not possible for one person to meet all our needs, and those needs can shift at different times. Your girl wants to explore being out in the world a little bit, for whatever reason. It's nothing personal, I'm sure. You have to trust her enough to follow her heart. You also have to understand that letting her go, so to speak, is not risk-free. It's a good time for you to go out and enjoy the things that perhaps you weren't free to pursue while you were with her. it will do wonders for your self-confidence, and you will feel less anxious and nervous about not knowing what is going to happen with your girlfriend. Best of luck!
  17. Clarabelle
    I find as time goes on that I feel more and more doubtful about wanting to reconcile with my husband. On the one hand, I can't respect him for how quickly he got involved with a woman he professes to not love, and for being willing to deceive her when he was after me for sex and companionship (which I put a stop to). I look at how difficult it was to communicate with him after our daughter was born about sharing the responsibilities, how he just didn't get it. And now he's asking me to essentially wait for him. Why is he the one who gets to indulge his single-guy whims? On the other hand, the beginning of our relationship was beautiful. There is a lot of love still there. I would feel terrible about myself (and for my daughter) if I didn't give it my best shot - which I have done already! I feel terrible thinking about the fact that we had to break up because my husband wasn't emotionally ready to be a parent, even though he was the one who was so anxious to become a parent. But I've discovered the hard way that being nice and patient and accommodating doesn't work, particularly when you do it at the expense of your own needs. Time to move on. I think that my husband is finally taking child care more seriously because he sees that I'm serious about not waiting around for him anymore.
  18. Clarabelle
    I think it's lovely that you want to be a friend to this man, and are hopeful that something more will come out of it, but bear in mind that his complicated life was what broke you up. You are so young to get involved with someone so complicated, so be very careful. I wouldn't focus too much on being a support for him at the expense of your own peace of mind and life development.
  19. Clarabelle
    I know that the lack of resolution can drive you crazy, but I think you're doing fine. Your position is stronger if you don't contact him. When and if he wants you, he will contact you.
  20. Clarabelle
    I enjoyed your post, herewegoagain, and everyone else's posts. After I kicked my husband out, he started going out with another girl a month later, and now they live together. I was patient for a while, because I wanted to reconcile and work out our differences, but eventually I realized that it would do me no good to be so patient and accommodating. My husband seems to only respond to ultimatums, so I asked him to cut out all contact except for that which pertained to our daughter. Not only has he been respectful of my request for NC, he has finally started becoming more responsible about sharing parental responsibilities. The new gf factor was very confusing and painful for me, because my husband would tell me over and over that he didn't love her, that I was the one he loved, that he wasn't attracted to her, that she was dumb, that living together was only for practicality, and that he would leave her as soon as he was finished with her, but nonetheless he did nothing to show me that he was still committed to making our marriage work. Even a friend told me she ran into him with the gf in a bar, and my husband didn't introduce the gf to her and acted embarrassed of her. He wants to take advantage of our separation to be single again (he's quite a bit younger than me) and wants me to wait for him, even though sometimes he says "do whatever you want, don't wait for me". Nonetheless, I just need to move on, have resolution, and not feel like my husband is using the gf factor to make me jealous or insecure. A friend pointed out the less I react to the gf situation, the less appeal she will have for him, but I don't even care anymore. I'm enjoying the peace but now the feelings I had for eventually reconciling with him have been replaced by doubt.
  21. Clarabelle
    Thanks, Muneca. Your point is well taken. I will send him a text to say thank you right now. The weekend was good, great to have time to myself, but yesterday was Sunday, and like so many Sundays, I was adrift in doubt. Without a doubt, the weekends are hard for me. I am planning to go with my daughter to visit an old friend who also has a little girl this weekend. It will be fun to have a change of scenery and things to distract me. I'm doing okay, I just feel really alone. It's hard to get my friends to do things these days, largely because they all have kids. I feel like I need new friends who want to have fun. I want to play and no one is available to play.
  22. Clarabelle
    I've been enjoying my time to myself. I was full of plans, but when I got home last night after work it was such a relief not to have anyone in the house...just peace and quiet. I'm doing what I want, when I want. It feels so good! I just wish that my husband had been able to give me more of this before, but oh well...I actually ran into my husband and my daughter a few hours ago. they were walking around in the neighborhood where he lives, which is only about 15 minutes from me but it is close to nice river side park, which is where I chose to go jogging. He immediately asked me why I was there, and I said because it was a pleasant place to run. When I got home, he called again, he said "I thought you were following me. When I saw you, you were looking in all directions." And I replied, no, it's a nice place to jog, I was just looking at traffic. I hope he doesn't think I'm stalking him. Anyway, I'm very happy that he's taking this time with her (until 7pm tonight!!!). I wonder why he's finally waking up now, and I hope that he keeps it up!
  23. Clarabelle
    Good job.
  24. Clarabelle
    No, I don't think you are off base at all. You could either not respond at all, because the cable box was her responsibility, or write her a note saying that you disposed of all of her possessions that she left behind, and leave it at that. But either way, she might start dogging you over this. Don't let her.
  25. Clarabelle
    Bader, I decided to write my reasons to my husband partly based on your signature about listening. Writing put the emphasis on listening, whereas talking sometimes puts people on the defensive when there are strong emotions involved. My husband texted me earlier to say that our daughter could stay with him until 4pm tomorrow and that he would pick her up from school today. He mentioned yesterday that they might go to the movies tonight, which sounds like fun. He has to work tomorrow, and I know that our little girl can stay part of the time at the daycare at his job. I wonder if he has asked his gf to babysit for her. I kind of hope not, I know, it's lingering jealousy. He did it once before without asking me and it really upset me, which I think was what he wanted to do. But now I feel more inclined to trust his judgment and that as long as our daughter is not going to be hurt by it, it's okay.
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