Clarabelle

Edougale, he said that he just wanted it that way (to have a gf) for now. I decided that I didn't want to be part of the deception and I wasn't able to respect him. Plus since the breakup he has started using pot and booze a lot (the gf is an alcoholic and they go out to bars a lot). I just didn't want to be part of his messy life. He said "fine, I never told you what to do with your life. I just want to be able to see my lilttle girl." I responded that if that was truly the case, we should go ahead and get a separation agreement that has clear rules and everyone knows what to expect. Either that or he should come back to his family. His issue with me is about power and control. He doesn't like hearing these things because he wants to be the one to decide how and when he comes back. He doesn't recognize that he still has that power; I'm simply choosing not to be intimate with him and going on with my life.

Edougale, I can sympathize. I broke up with my husband, but I never wanted it to be permanent. I asked him to leave so that we could get some perspective on our constant fighting which was not good for us or our little daughter. But he was hurt and angry and started seeing a former co-worker who helped him find a place to live. Now they are essentially living together. He told me a number of times that he wasn't into her and that he wasn't sexually attracted to her. We became intimate again about a month and a half ago, but he still maintained his relationship and residence with her, while telling me he wanted to come back, he just wasn't ready. At first I was patient. Then with time, and healing, and more judicious NC, I started feeling less like I wanted to be with him. I couldn't respect him for not telling his gf the truth and for keeping me on a string, and that really took away my feeling for him.

Future Dentist, I'm also a musician, and when I asked my husband to leave, my music became an incredible source of support. Being able to create beauty thru my instrument has helped tremendously, and my practicing has really benefited!

Don't be so hard on yourself first of all. That is what is driving you to confront him over small stuff rather than simply enjoying what is being offered. YOu don't have to fix everything right away. Things often will take care of themselves. Let some time pass. Do fun things with friends and by yourself. When you find yourself getting anxious, just say to yourself, "I'm getting anxious. But everything is okay". LAter on, when you truly feel motivated by love and strong self-worth, you can take it from there. If he really loves you, he will forgive you and understand that you behaved this way because you were anxious and scared. You will find a way to talk about it. But first of all, you need to address your own anxieties that are causing you to obsess on these things with him. That will help you feel happier about yourself and will help you in your dealings with him.

I agree with shes2smart. Your child is now your number 1 priority, particularly because your child has a health problem. You don't need extra drama because of your rocky past with this man, because it's only going to wear you out, and children require our best selves. The smoking thing is absolutely non-negotiable, both in terms of your child's health and in terms of the potential it has for creating even more problems for you with this man. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, now more than ever.

I'm not judging you, because God knows I relate to your situation, but the circumstances of your break-up sound like they dealt a real blow to your ex-bf's pride. Many people when their pride is hurt will react with anger and violence. I'm not saying it's right. It's how they have learned to deal with it and until they realize that it doesn't work, they will continue to use anger and violence to handle their strong feelings that they cannot express any other way. Even if you had stayed together, I believe that you would have seen this side of him eventually - some other stress would have brought it out. You need to do what you can to feel peace and happiness while you are pregnant. The baby picks up so much of your feelings. Talk to your friends and family. Let loving people around you take care of you. All the best to you and your little one.

Thank you for your reply, Carthiana. It gave me strength when I woke up today doubting myself a little. The things you mentioned about him buying expensive stuff for himself rang a familiar bell...my ex shows up my house supposedly to take care of our daughter but instead he eats whatever is in the refrigerator and falls asleep. He complains about our shared financial obligations, saying, "I work hard; I need to be able to do whatever I want with my money", all the while buying expensive nutritional supplements for himself, going out to the movies, barhopping...I don't think I'm doing him or me any favors by being too soft, letting him take advantage.

Hi Strawtink, I know that this person is your friend as well as your ex, so it's gotta be really tough. It sounds to me like he got cold feet, which ultimately has little to do with you. Give yourself a chance to check in with your heart and see what is really there for this person - truly! To do that takes being able to recognize that you have been hurt, and then look beyond it. NC is good because it lets you see how you feel. then in your case, because you two are friends eventually soon you'll see each other and you'll know if what you feel is real.

Well said, Chai. There comes a point where you recognise how to best take care of yourself, and you stick to it. It's helpful to have rules and standards for ourselves, and I believe those rules and standards help us to be honest with ourselves and others in a productive way.

1) 5 years 2) 5 months 3) pressures of becoming parents; money problems 4) 37

Escalade, there are lot of great stories on this forum for you to read, like myjoy. They will give you a lot of perspective. In the meantime, you have to live your life as best as you can. NC will allow you to assess where your heart is at. Once you know that, you will be able to determine what's next. You said it yourself, she is young. Time will tell - much said, but true.

Blondee, space alone is not the answer. You need to spend time together in a mutually rewarding way. Shared fun is a good way to get back on track. You need reassurance. The more you 2 can enjoy each other, the more he will be able to give you what you need and you can give him what he needs. Good luck!

Onetallulah, it might be hard for your ex to offer you the opportunity for closure, particularly since you were the dumper and did not offer him the chance for discussion when you ended it. It seems to me that you created closure right there. I'm not clear from your message what exactly you want. Could it benefit you to clarify that question first? In the meantime, the kind of light contact you have with him sounds just right for now.

It might be good just to concentrate on being friends and see where that takes you. You two had a rocky beginning, middle and end, so it would probably be helpful to focus on sincerity, kindness and genuineness - a good base for whatever develops out of that.

Hi everyone - I've been following this board for a while, and it has been the source of much comfort and consolation. I asked my husband to leave the house back in April. Ever since our daughter was born almost 4 years ago, things had steadily been getting worse - fights over money, responsibilities, expectations, sex - you name it! I couldn't take his rages anymore and I didn't want my daughter to see it. At the bottom of it all, however, I thought that we were clear on our commitment to each other and just needed a breather for a few weeks. Well, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when my husband moved in with someone almost a month later, a former co-worker who always had been into him. Who knows, maybe they were already involved before; one of my beefs with him is that he isn't honest. I begged with him to give our marriage and our family a chance, and initially he said no, you blew your chance, that's what you get. Eventually he started admitting that he wanted to get back together, but he wasn't ready. But every time I would talk to him about it, he would then deny he had ever said it. We could never really do full NC because of our daughter. Gradually we started reconciling - not living together again, but spending more and more time together and also being sexual. But he wouldn't break up with his new girlfriend, even though he admitted several times he didn't like her that much and wasn't attracted to her. While I was enjoying our contact again, I was also troubled by his lack of truthfulness, as usual. I was also disturbed by his drinking and pot use, which were becoming more and more frequent. I know that his new girlfriend is an alcoholic, which troubles him, but somehow he doesn't seem to be able to stop himself from going out bar hopping with her. Anyway, I was troubled by this behaviors and decided to apply a bit more "NC for parents". No calling, pulling back, and I began discovering that after wanting him back desperately and putting on the happy face when he was around so that he would feel at ease with me again, with every day that passed I realized that I liked him less and did not respect him for continuing to pursue me w/o breaking up with the GF, as well as for his drinking and drug use. Furthermore, I saw how immature he was. It was sad but I was also grateful that I had met him when he was still kind and honest and caring. Now I feel like there is something distasteful about him. I mulled over these feelings for a while. Last night he and I had a BBQ here at our house. We were having fun when as usual, at 9pm, he announced that he had to go. I guessed that he was going to go out drinking with the GF, as he usually does on Saturdays. I let him go very casually, with no stress or fireworks, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised it was time to stop kidding myself. I texted him a little later, saying "I like you, but you're very young. And the longer we stay apart, the more I think that we shouldn't be together." Well, he called back right away, but we couldn't talk because our guests were still there, so I said let's continue this later. I called him back later, he didn't pick up, so I left a voice message, essentially re-iterating my earlier text, and saying that as time went on, I missed him less and less. Today the phone calls started at around 12:30pm, but I was out in the park with my daughter and some friends having a good time, and I didn't respond. Three voice messages, plus texts asking where I was and wanting to speak to our daughter (which I think was a ploy on his part). Later I texted him, saying my life was moving forward, he was a nice guy, but very young, and also not trustworty and honest, and that I felt that our daughter and I deserved so much more than he was giving us. And that's it. I've wanted to call again, but I let it go. There is still some possibility that we could reunite, but it truly seems less likely as time goes on. His unreliability, his drinking and pot use, plus his unwillingness to break up with the GF, and his willingness to have sex with me and not tell her anything - they all just make me feel sort of turned off by him. I feel like he's becoming this sleazy guy and it makes me feel sad. So different from the sweet, open-hearted guy I met six years ago. I'm about 7 years older than him, and I think some of these behaviors are him trying to make up for lost time because he married so young. I'm just not willing to put up with being a part-time lover. He wants to have the upper hand, and I think his pride will not allow him to come back, which is too bad - it's looking more unlikely.