just jeff

lookingforclosure5, Thank you for the gentle words; you're correct I do love this lady more than life itself, I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. Yes the feeling of such an intense love was rewarding and I shall always cherish it. But I know (because I've already been doing it) that I will compare every potential partner to her. I know she surely can't turn her feelings on and off like a light switch; unless it's some bizarre game she's playing for the pain I caused her. One and a half years ago I was her "walking perfection"…she told me within the past few months I still was, just not hers. I am so confused by all of this…I wish it would end one way or the other. The details of our relationship are not important here; suffice it to say we planned it all…her moving here, marriage…but the road took a turn, and we both traveled down different paths; yet we've always contacted each other…I cannot continue to suffer this pain. I know…I am positive she is suffering equally too…but is afraid to take the chance to meet in real time, she has told me that if we met her whole life will be turned upside down. Her family, friends and career at in Houston; so giving it all up to move here is a frightening situation... What if after a couple of months living together or married the bloom is off the roses…the honeymoon is over and she regrets leaving it all…that is what she has shared with me in the past. But why would the flowers set her emotions off? I had thought if anything to have her calling me to say how beautiful they are…but this? I wonder if she threw them in the trash…or took them home. I know you're right…I need to back away…including all the questions that are pouring from my mind. All the why's…thank you again for your post; it was encouraging and enlightening…

I only hope to be as lucky...I am tried of setting myself up for more pain...I need too just move along. Good lucks and thanks for the advice...

Up date: I sent her a text message: Why were the flowers upsetting? Please give me an answer, an honest one. I am so hurt by your reaction. She sent back: "Sorry ur hurt. the reality set. my fe eling for u are gone" Normally her texts are correct with great grammer, so...this one makes me wonder if she was crying when she wrote it, or pretending too... I did send a responce back, a simple: "because?" I doubt if I hear back from her...I am not sure if this is her way of dealing with being afraid of being hurt again or not...Please do not let my age stop you from suggestions...age is a state of mind, trust me some of you may very well be in my shoes some day...I hope not, I had planned on being married forever... Relationships seem to be so...desposable these days, gezze now I sound like my father 40 years ago..lol

LostAngel, I wish you the strength to get through this difficult time; I am trying to regain my composure and move on too...I never want my heart and life to be turned upside down and inside out again. Maybe I should become a monk and live in solitude...humm, that is so not me. Give your love to someone who will give it back in equal measure...be true to yourself. Good luck in your journey...

It never ceases to amaze me, the way the game of love is played. I had a long distance and long term relationship with a woman for 5-6 yrs; due to my pouring time into my career and an indiscretion on my part she rebounded to another man a year ago. Since that time we have not met in person; only by phone, cell and on-line. But we would talk for hours when we were on speaking terms. She would decorate my house and landscape the lawn in her head a hundred times a day…saying "when you bought that house Jeff …I know it was going to be ours". When the relationship was good we met 3-4 times a year…for 3-5 days at a time. We both felt we had met our soul mates; everything and I mean everything at that time was perfect. I got a major promotion and threw myself into it; leaving little time for her. She felt I was moving on with my life and didn't see her in it. I readily admit I wasn't there for her…I was not even close. I thought by making a million I could take care of everyone…the ex wife, kids and her; I was so wrong. Her absense in my life started by her not being there for me…I took her for granted; including her love. Finally she told me…there was someone else. I took it hard…cried, screamed and begged…telling her he wasn't the one…she transferred her love of me to one that reminded her of me. So we've been on a roller coaster…she has left him (at least she said she did) 2 dozen times…and she has told me not to contact her in any way, shape of form. The within a week I would receive the call, you know "how are you? I wanted to see how the kids are and if you're doing ok." A week ago she told me she had left both of us…and would not talk to me again, and she held true to her word. Then she called me Sunday, of course I answered because we had been in the same chat room that morning. I was a pleasant conversation…I never brought up the past nor did she. I never said anything about her supposed to be ex and she didn't bring up the women I have been dating. We talked Monday night on the phone…all was comfy and warm. I sent her a bouquet of white flowers…to her office Tuesday; they arrived at 2:55 pm. I didn't hear anything…she got online last night at 8:30ish and wouldn't say hi via Yahoo Messenger; but she showed up in the chat room I was in. I said hello out load and she didn't respond…sending her greetings to the other regulars in the room. I private messaged her and saw she had squelched me. Ok…wow. I called her house and she let the machine pick up. I went to bed and woke up to the following email this morning; "Goodbye, Please do not call my home or cell phone or my office,,,and do not answer this as I will not get it ,,,I will not be coming back to the chat room either,,," I tried my best to figure this out; I may have messed up, but I was torn up. I sent her two text messages to her cell: "Ahh, the flowers did arrive at 2:55 yesterday. Only reason I can think it would be upsetting is they were sent to a married woman or one engaged" "Single women can receive gifts from the male friends. Sorry if it embarrassed you, they were sent with honest intent. Enjoy your make believe world XXXX". My question is…why else would having a beautiful bouquet of flowers sent to your office anger or hurt you enough to walk away again? I need others point of views…I will tell you I am dating, several women. Its friends with benefits…I am not looking for love; and I tell the person I'm dating that up front. No commitment from either party…and it's been great. So please weigh in with your opinions…I know I am not a saint; I am as human as anyone else. But I know…she does love me; but I am clueless why she is behaving this way. I had sent her books…but never flowers.

Thank you for the update....I couldn't agree with you more; but I have the same problem you had, I have a difficult time doing NC. But I know you're right...along with so many other posters here. Thank you for the encourgement...good luck in your journey....

I have followed many of the stories posted here; taking away a bit of advice here and there. I am quite impressed with several posters here; mostly regulars who weigh in with an opinion or advice. I wish I had some wise words of wisdom for you Dan; if I did I would follow them myself; but I am on a relationship merry-go-round too. But you're young; there will be many opportunities for you to find the perfect match. You have to be true to yourself; be the person that you are. Can someone improve themselves? Of course, by eliminating bad habits or addictions, improving there level of education, getting in good physical shape. But core personality traits are usually controllable at best. Any changes we make that are not genuine will eventually fade. I cannot make someone love me…I can be attractive, knowledgeable, kind and caring… I will forever be the romantic…I keep hope alive; but I continue to live a very healthy life style. I do date…sometimes one woman for a couple of months; if it turns serious I move on. Enjoy life…with or without her. Be true to yourself Dan….best of luck on your journey….

Life is a learning experience; and love is simply a part of life. We gain knowledge through life experiences, with knowledge we grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The lessons love gives us are at times overwhelming; from masterful highs, when we perceive everything is just perfect, too gut wrenching lows, where we feel the weight of the worlds on our shoulders. How you react to these life experiences will determine if you come out a better person or a bitter person. Learning to deal with disappointment is critical to your self development. Whether its school, work, sports or love…you name it; it shapes and molds you. Life isn't about winning at very endeavor you undertake; it's about surviving and growing from lessons gained. Use sports as an analogy; how many NFL/NBA teams go undefeated? How many boxers go undefeated? You will win and you will lose; it's the natural order of life. But if you allow a loss to keep you sitting on the sidelines because you're afraid of losing, your life will be wasted and fear will become your ruler. Life is for living, experiencing the good and the bad; life isn't fair, no one has ever said it was. When we loose at the game of love…do we want to play that game over one more time so that we can win? If we win them back and then dump them…have we won? Do we then play 2 out of 3? Most of the lessons that life gives you will make you a better person; male or female. We should learn from our mistakes…even the ones where you feel you were used. Armed with that knowledge you will approach the next romance a bit more cautious. Learn to live and love…better to have played and lost than to sit in the bleachers wishing you were in the game. "some come into your life for a reason, some come into your life for a season and some come into your life for a lifetime. Later down life's path people…

I've been exactly where you are...not looked at as a bother, but her father... Keep swinging....I have, and I date on a regular basis and so will you. I suggest you continue to chat with her...show her a side she hasn't seen, and just maybe her interest will overshadow whatever hangups she might have. I am still not over my SO...but life's too short not to be out living it to the fullest...good luck and keep going.

Often dumpees can not give us an answer that will help us cope, often they do not know themselves. Maybe they are so disatified with their life they want to change it drasticly. There are a million reasons...and most of them would make no sense to the dumpee. We would want to argue with them and beg them to give us another chance, we will change for them. People have hidden agenda's even after 6 years. They do not share them with others...I've found in life that there are taker's and giver's. I am a giver...I give myself entirely and let down all defenses. A taker will always take more from you emotionally than they give. I rather be a giver...but that's me. Your heart will heal...and I am sure you will survive and become a better you...and find someone you can totally trust and they trust you in return. You're in my prayers...*s*

His mother could be sending you this information without his knowledge...because she thinks a good deal of you and she also loves her son. Her love for him doesn't mean she agrees with his decisions...such as him breaking up with you, yet as a parent she has to look over such things and let him live his life. But that doesn't mean she's not a match maker and thinks you were both made for each other. I wish you the best in whatever decison you make...follow your instints.

I would wait, but not too long...if you think she is reaching out to make contact. If you feel its a tactic to hurt you again...then postpone it until you're strong enough to withstand it. I have tried it all...NC and minimum contact...sometimes the connection is stronger than our will. Good luck.

For the past few days…when I met my ex in a chat room we both visit and I send her a greeting…I got back "humming…." I replied "excuse me? Why are you humming?" She replied "it helps to keep my mind clear." I asked "clear of?" She said "you…." I then asked (this was all out loud, not in private messages) "does it help?" and she said "no…but it's safer than talking to you…" I *chuckled* and then asked what song she was humming. She responded "humming louder". Ok this has went on for 3 days…and she hasn't answered my phone calls…yet she called me yesterday morning on her way to work to talk….nothing about the relationship. We joked about the humming…once again she laughed and said it isn't helping. She said I was playing innocent...that I know what I do too her inside. Saturday she called me to ask if I was in Texas at her hometown…I laughed and said no. She saw a Tahoe like mine with Missouri tags and thought it was funny because I was on her mind and she had been "humming" in the chat room that morning. I know her and the "other" man had a favorite song; Fly me too the Moon. I asked on Yahoo messenger last night if she was humming it. She said flatly "not anymore". I asked "why not?" she said…."I do not want to talk about it ok?" I said sure…that was ok. Then she logged. My thought is she has broken up with the rebound relationship because of our unfinished business…and the humming helps her to keep her mind off of me. I honestly don't think it's to keep her mind off of him. Please share with me your thoughts….is this a good sign or a bad sign?

I have been ghosting these boards for quite some time; I've received some very helpful information and have tried most of it. About a year ago my soul mate told me we were finished and I admit it was mostly my fault. I begged and pleaded…the normal dumpee reaction. It didn't work…if anything it drove her further away. She quickly moved on…I thought it was a rebound and accepted it; always thinking we were meant to be together and would be someday. Life moved on and we tried the friendship route; didn't really work for either of us, but especially me. She begged me to date…to find someone who I could shower my love on. When I did start dating and she called my home phone and cell when I didn't answer she left messages such as "I guess you're busy…or just don't want to talk to me…that's fine Jeff….enjoy your life…you deserve the best." I would call her back later and we would talk; I would tell her I was just out and about. She would ask if it was a date; then want to know how I met her, etc. Finally she said she didn't want to hear anything about the women in my life (she was still with her new companion). So late at night out of the blue she would call me…we often talked for hours. She would cry as she recounted the memories we once shared…and I admit so did I at time. She had asked me to marry her 2 years ago (our relationship lasted 4) and I declined. I wish I hadn't, but at the time it seemed the thing to do. We've both made mistakes…it is a long distance relationship; we had planned on moving here and being with me. I have been blessed in life, with the rewards of a great career, so money was never an issue. She says she still daydreams about decorating the house and landscaping the lawn; a hundred times a day. But this other relationship was supposed to be the "one"…I often asked if it was so wonderful and rewarding why does she still call me…and why does she continue to say she will forever wish things had turned out differently for us. If I were truly happy with a new relationship…I would be thankful the old one ended so I could find the "one" truly meant for me. I think her other relationship has ended…she always said she would never tell me…she doesn't want me to feel as though I am the fall back guy, safety net or second choose. Life and love is often a game…tug or wills…I just needed to vent a little this morning…later down life's path….may you all find love and peace..

I totally agree with both replys....some souls are meant to be; hopefully the pain and hurt you've both suffered can be forgiven and forgotten. True love is forgiving someone who has transgressed against you...truer love is forgiving yourself for the mistakes. Life and love is about learning and growing; we do not have a handbook to refer too as we travel through life. I have caused pain and received it back...like karma; what goes around comes around. Later down life's path...try to walk in the sunlight, be thankful you've experianced this love...learn and grow.

A support group sounds great, but I honestly wish I wouldn't need to join one. After all my ex is coming back any day now....err, right...yeah, maybe. But if I peel back the layers of my/our breakup then the chances of us being a couple in the future is less than 10%. Since I alway's try to look on the bright side of life, I tend to convince myself it isn't over...she will be back, so she calls or text messages me; my brain goes into auto pilot and I think "ahhh, this is it...she wants to make a fresh start". But then I hear "I called to see how you are, I hadn't heard from you or seen you online lately". So I tell her I am doing great; she has a relationship with another man...has for almost a year (our was long distance 600+ miles; he's 300 miles closer) which I thought was a rebound (I still think it is..but it's safe and conveniant). She knows I have dated and one is fairly steady. Which confuses the matters futher...her new mate is in love with her...and mine is in love with me...but the ex and I still say that we're in love with each other...too much water under the bridge. But we cannot breakup and stay that way...12 days at best. It's hello/goodbye...I so tire of it...yet...I continue to put myself thru this self impossed H#ll....Only I an truly end it; maybe the support group is a great idea...count me in!

I've tried that too...didn't actually work for me. I went thru the anger stage, but it's been a rollercoaster ride....I don't think it will ever end. We have both tried to say goodbye and mean it...then a few days or at most 12 days one of us gives in with a text message...a simple "how are you?" and we're hooked again. But ours is a LDR so there is no meeting in person....she isn't ready yet. And we both have dated....oh well....life goes on and some how so will we. Good luck in your journey.....peace.

If you come up with a solution to stop contacting someone who you thought was your forever mate...let me know; I had went for two weeks myself until yesterday...she left a message on Yahoo messenger...in weakness I replied. It was a simple question and I answered it; I then said "btw, if you ever see a chance for us in the future...let me know; you have my number." She replies "I will forever regret that our relationship didn't work out..." That confused me...how can one regret it and yet not be willing to see once more if the impossible is possible... Anyway...good luck to you...best wishes; I hope you receive the love you are distended to have.

I suggest you start doing exactly what you did before she became confussed again. I totally understand where you are coming from, we are in the same boat as most people are here. You are going to need to figure out if you are her safty net, if the current BF doesn't work out; you're always there. She may have had a fight with him too, and that's why she reached out for you. There is a tug of wills going on in our ex's, they love us, they love us not. All I can do is be my best, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I suppose someone could love two different men/women at the same time for completely different reasons. Follow not only your heart, but your mind. Back away and let the dust settle... see what happens... best of luck... Jeff

Michael2, I have noticed your sound advice... how did you become so knowledgeable? Experiance? I tend to agree with almost all your posts... but it's easier to see someone else's problem more clearly than you see your own... I am referring to myself here... keep giving advice... it's a natural talent you have.... Jeff

Do not be nervous... just be yourself.... and smile and be friendly... if it's ment to be it will be.... chin up....be positive... do exactly what your doing.. Jeff

We were together for 5 years... I have posted the story of our relationship else where on this site... I am just totally blown away... if any of the "no contact" experts would care to give me their thoughts I would much appriciate it.... thanks.... Jeff ps: go back to no contact now? or should I try and find out what she means?

So many people here in the same boat... I wish I could offer sound advice, but all I can say is be strong and believe in yourself. Improve yourself and try to be understanding. I am taking and making it one day at a time... today I let my ex know I am letting go... and for me that is one giant step towards recovery. I am still confussed about where she an I stand... but it's up too her now if she wants there to be an us... I am moving along.... good luck and best wishes... Jeff

I may have messed up big time… I would like some opinions. I got a voice message last night saying, "I know you hate me now… sorry Jeff". I did not call or text. So this morning I sent her a text stating "I do not hate you, never could do that. I love you more than I do myself, meaning I want you to be happy and he does that. So I am letting go." I got this text back "in my heart I will never let you go". I sent "some come into your life for a reason, some for a season and some for a life time". That quote came from here, but she has always said she came into my life for a reason and once it's done its time to move on. I got back "Forever and a day" and then "be happy, find a woman you deserve my love". I sent two more texts "I am happy, moving along nicely. I hate him because you chose him over me, I love him because he makes you happy." (Again a quote from this site: thanks) and the last one is "I have learned this lesson the hard way "give freely of your heart only what you can afford to never get back"…bye baby girl, I will not bother you again, all the best…" This site has helped me cope… I thank all of you for the sharing here… my question is… her responses threw me… I wish I knew what she really means… She hasn't called or text messaged back… I wonder if I made her cry at work… I never meant too.. damn me for doing it... Jeff