Slypknot

Hi Becky! Your msg really saddened me. It's very hard to be in that spot - wanting someone so badly yet they refuse to go with you. It's a painful cycle which rarely ends in the couple reuniting. There's not really a cut/dry answer. Things to ask youself are: 1. After 6 yrs of marriage why would your husband rather look at porn on the net and chat with online girls (who could have been men!) than to try and spend this time with you? There's probably more there than just his issues and chances are whatever was missing there will be repeated in the future if you two got back together unless both change. 2. You sound like a really nice woman who cares a great deal and has a spiritual background. Is this guy REALLY that good - it sounds like he had quite a bundle of issues? Or are you wanting him back because you can't imagine being on your own....divorced and alone? SF seeking SM? I only ask because at 30 I was faced with this same decision.... I seemed to believe somewhere that even though my wife had her MANY faults - that she was the last woman who could ever make me happy. How wrong I was. I had completely forgot that I am the only one who can make ME happy....a woman in my life would not. See I used my marriage as a distraction from myself. I didn't like who I was but was able to focus on my wife's problems and our issues and that distracted me. By her no longer being in my life I was forced to face these things...which I still deal with today. But by growing through them it can only make me a better person - one who may meet a wonderful woman in the future who will appreciate it.....

I'm not sure if I'm a CP or not (never been diagnosed..hehe) but I have cheated before and have also been scared to commit to someone - though not proud of it by any means. My experience is - there's much more to cheating than just being afraid to commit to someone. Usually there's a time when things are not going very well with a couple. That's when it can happen, someone else steps in and starts providing one of the SO's with something their relationship stopped giving them. Usually a woman who is not being 'appreciated' is approached by a guy who gives her all the attention she could want - and she falls into it. Same thing can happen for a guy.... The question now is - will they repeat it again? Relationships are hard - meaning they take work when things are down. Personally, when I was cheated on, I could not continue in the same relationship because I knew that when things got tough, if I made mistakes or got caught up in my own life - she would repeat it again. It's a toughy.

Hi Dguy - and welcome to the board.... lots to be gained by the peeps here. Your story is - sadly enough - very very common. One person gets comfortable and takes advantage of the other until they leave. Then when they leave the person says they'll change... the other comes back and things are good - for a little while... then the bad behavior returns again. This is what battered/verbally abused wives/husbands go through and most would call it insane to return to such a relationship without some MAJOR-long lasting-changes taking place. It sounds like you've said all these things before to her - and didn't follow it up. Maybe what you're feeling is not a longing for her, but a fear to be by yourself. I'm 31 and know that feeling very well. I was/am crazy inside at times for my X-wife, wanting her more than anything when she doesn't want me...but the moment she wants me back in her life I suddenly change and now see it for what it really is - something which doesn't make either of us happy. It's a combo of a fear of being alone, a self esteem problem and an issue with someone NOT wanting to be with me! It makes me wanna pursue em even more.... odd huh? So my advice is - start LIVING what you're telling her. Hopefully the things you've told her you'd change don't all have to do with being with her. Most, I assume, are things you need to change about yourself such as the things you listed in your post - well start living them. Don't be selfish (with her), be kind, understanding, listen to what she says, etc... showing her your changing means WAY more than just telling her.

First off - welcome to the board! Your situation is a toughy to guess on for me because it's hard to read what someone else is thinking (the girl you're pursuing). However, it's pretty obvious that when she told you she liked you, and you blew her off, that she probably is not completely over that yet. I know when I get up enough to tell a girl I like her - if she blows me off it's like a serious slap in the face. Then, months later, if she suddenly calls then I suspect she's in a rough patch in her life and wants to use someone...mainly me. It's a hard thing to overcome - best bet is to leave the ball in her court some. Try doing this (it'll let you know real fast where you stand with her) - DON'T CALL HER, DON'T MSG HER..... and wait. If she calls you then you know she feels something for you - but if she doesn't then you've saved yourself the time and energy of going after a girl who isn't interested anymore.

Hi everyone! Time for me to get some help from all of you out there.... My situation is probably close to most. I was with a woman for 10yrs (married for 5) and due to many many many reasons - we got divorced about 1yr ago. So I'm still feeling the pain of all that and dealing with the loss as best I can. My delimna is how shallow my life has seemed to become. It started when I decided I was no longer going to sit at home and sulk! I was going to go out with friends, go club'n, do all the things I missed out on when I was with my X for a large part of my life! I feel fantastic when I go out, meet a few girls, and one of them shows interest in me. For some reason I'm on top of the world, life could be no better, I am a true man! The night is complete! This feeling lasts for quite a while and I almost dont mind spending a few nights at home, cleaning up, working out at the gym, etc.... I'm "fulfilled" in a retarted kinda way. BUT - when I go out and get no leads, or the girls I met before fall through one by one - I feel horrible/empty....like I'm a loser or something. I start questioning everything about myself, am I too fat? am I boring? what's wrong with me? I get to where I almost dont wanna bother dating anymore - like what's the use??? I guess I don't understand why I don't feel 'happiness' in my life unless I have leads into another relationship with someone. I mean it's silly - but for some reason I base my own self image on what other women say/do to me.... yuk. Any advice on this would be most appreciated! I'm up for trying anything to get over this....

IMHO - It depends on how your last relationship with him ended. He'll probably call if he's interested in pursuing either a friendship or relationship with you. Or maybe just cause he can't get you outta his mind... hard to say. Not really enough info to make a very educated guess to what his next move might be.

Welcome to the world of dating! It'll be the best/worst time you'll ever have! heheh.... It's easy to start... Just make yourself available! Don't stay at home all the time. Go out, spend time with friends, join some clubs, etc... get involved with things which require other people. Doing things like this will give you plenty to talk about with girls. Another thing which seems to work for me is get the girls talking!! It's funny how I can go out with a girl on 2 or 3 dates and when it's all said and done she really doesn't know much about me but I know her life story. People love talking about themselves and their own interests - so use that. Just keep asking questions and pay attention to her responses so you can ask more... To be honest if you're still in school (based on your age) then you're seriously in luck! School is one of the easiest places to hook up with girls. You see em every day, know if they're single or not, know if they're your age, etc.... nothing like meeting someone in a club and not knowing if she's married/single/psychotic/etc...hehehe

Wow - I can really relate to your posting - pretty close to my own experience with marriage. Right now it seems like pursuing him is just going to push him away even more. Give him space. Trust me, it's not like he's just going to forget about you.... you guys shared too much for that to easily happen. Not saying he's not going to go out with other people, that's possible - but I'd guess there's still some strong feelings in him towards you (which is why he'd return your phone calls and still be willing to talk to you). Getting dumped is one of the worst feelings ever. It tells the other person they are not good enough for you. That you got to know them inside and out and realized you just didn't like them as a person. Getting over this pain, as I'm sure you know, is one of the hardest things to do. Regardless of how many promises you make to him now, the pain is obviously still fresh enough in his mind to not trust you enough. Give it time and see what happens. Life can sometimes be ironic... who knows, the day that he decides you are the "one" for him - you may think otherwise.... but pushing the issue is probably going to just make things worse and you'll end up looking desperate (which is always a turn off).

Sorry - but it's probably the classic move of him needing you as a fallback girl. It's much easier to date other people, stay at home some nights, be 'single' when you know that there's a girl out there who you could easily hook up with.... just waiting for you. Chances are the more interest you show in him the less attention he'll show you... but lemme tell ya - show up to the club with your arm around another guy and just watch all the attention paid to ya! So ya need to decide - do you want someone that 'flighty' as your man? Or would you prefer someone who only has eyes for you, in love with you, wanting you? I'd assume the latter....

It's kinda funny in that almost every relationship I've been in the girl has mentioned how badly she was hurt at one point or another by a past boyfriend. I always saw it as a challenge. For a girl to say she was hurt by another man makes me want to show her that I am NOT that guy and can please her like no other man could. It's a challenge thing which invites me more than pushes me away. Now if the girl starts throwing a lot of her past pain/distrust on me - that's another story. By you hiding your feelings, I think this is a good thing in the beginning. No reason to show your hand right away...keep things mellow and light and see how they go. Now if you CAN'T show your feelings that can be a serious problem for the future...cause you'll end up treating your partner the same way you were mistreated - by not returning the feelings they show you.

Of course you feel that way which is why trying to make something like this work is near to impossible. Personally I don't believe 'shady' people change that rapidly - unless something seriously major has occurred in their lives to make them stop and change....like prison, getting sued, car wrecks, near death, etc. Just getting caught is usually not enough to make someone stop cheating. But I wouldn't suggest doing the same back to him... cause then you're no better. It's best to either swear it off and try to work through the distrust - or leave him and start something new with someone else.

I feel for ya Sweety... Doing what you're doing is not only a serious challenge (overcoming distrust) it's also very emotionally draining. To be honest though - if you feel that much anger you may not really be ready to 'start over' with him. I know for me personally I can't do what you're doing. Once I'm burned, I'm burned and will never truly regain trust for someone that close to me. I've tried before and found that when it really comes down to it - I can't trust them like I did before..ever again. So I end up beating my head against a wall trying to overcome this fear I have of trusting them again...which is silly - there's a reason I'm afraid of trusting them! Sorry to be so bleak - I do relate to your frustration as I've tried to do it myself before - just never had good luck at it I'm afraid.

I have to agree with Sweetie on this one. Being a guy who has done this before to a few girls I can honestly say that at the time I was doing it - I wasn't really conscious of how much of an ass I was being. This guy sounds open in that he's told you all kinds of things about him, his feelings, his life, etc. But at the same time he's shallow in that he's telling you things that he just doesnt seem to want. Marriage isn't that hard to do if you want it so chances are he's saying this stuff to you because he knows it's what you WANT him to say. The other side of it is the ole come here/go away syndrome. I seem to be going through this now with an X of mine. While she wants to be with me, I want nothing more than for her to go away and move on. But the moment I see her moving on, dating others - basically doing what I have been for a while - I get an instant need to pursue her again.... to say and do whatever I have to to get her to want me again. Then, when she does, the challenge is over and I no longer want her around. Hopefully this is NOT the boat you're in with this guy....cause if you are - RUN and don't look back.

Shyness has, and still is, one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. It stems from low self esteem and is very difficult to treat (IMHO). One thing I've found which helps (other than taking drugs) is doing small tiny things to overcome it. A major one is when a girl makes eye contact - SMILE at her - then look down at the floor (which is usually what us with low self esteem do). After a while of doing this you'll get more comfortable and will be able to maintain looking at her while smiling. What I tried to do was put myself in the girl's shoes. If I look at a girl and she immediately looks away I take that as her NOT being interested in me. But if she smiles back...you get the picture. It's small stuff like this that will slowly help you to overcome being shy. So keep on trying and take baby steps....

Bottom line is I think this decision should be based on your own personal esteem. Do you honestly believe that you DESERVE to be with someone who can't seem to keep their pants on? How would you feel if you suddenly discovered one of her 'nights out' she brought back some gifts that keep on giving? (STD's) Do you believe that she's the last girl on the planet that will love you and make you happy? Hopefully not. Hopefully you'll see that this girl is bringing you nothing but drama, pain and distractions (from what it sounds). Sure, when things are going well they feel really great. So does air to a drowning man, so does food to someone starving. If things are horrible/painfull most of the time then a little bit of relief feels like a world of goodness!...but it's not and you deserve way better. Me personally - GONE. No if/ands/buts....gone. People who cheat are scared little people who can't handle being single but at the same time wanna shop like they are. They lie, are undependable and in the end almost always cause the other pain.

Guess what - you can do very little other than be there for your friend when the time comes.... unless you're the guy she's cheating on him with. If she is cheating on him then you'll just need to be there for your friend while he goes through all the pain of being dumped. The threat of suicide is usually for attention, or just a statement to show how intensely someone feels about something. Those I know who have actually killed themselves rarely announced it....they just did it. Why anyone would actually kill themselves over a broken up relationship is amazing to me... what do they think that they were only compatible with a single person - who they weren't really compatible with in the first place (which is why it ended)??? Makes no sense huh... People don't see that a breakup is a good thing. You have stopped putting time into a dying thing and now have time to put into something growing.

I feel for ya bro - and have been that depressed many times in my life. Here's a shot of my current situation to help shed some light: I'm 31 and got divorced from a 10yr relationship about 2 months ago. Talk about depression and a life shocker! I had to change EVERYTHING in my life to try and move on/deal with the pain. I can relate to your loneliness. I feel it quite often, that there's really no one out there that truly cares about me. Sometimes I think that if I only had a girlfriend things would be better.... but ya know what, it didn't exactly work that way for me. I went out on some dates, slept around a little bit, and even hooked up with a girlfriend - but nothing really 'fills' that hole that I feel in my gut. That emptiness. To be honest, there's A LOT in your post that could keep me going on for hours. I think there are serious self esteem issues that are causing quite a bit of your pain and inferiority complex. I know only because I suffer from them to - thinking I'm too fat, too boring, a loser basically - regardless of how well my life is going that voice is always there, yes, even when I have a girlfriend who everyone thinks is hot. I'm sorry if this post doesn't seem to contain many answers. I deal with a lot of what you posted on a daily basis and have found only a few things that help: 1. I pray - regardless if you believe in God or not try it. It helps. Just pray to 'the stuff out there'. 2. I committed to going out whenever invited regardless whether I wanted to or not. This made a huge diff in my life - I was now out amongst other people in clubs/bars/etc having fun (sometimes). But make no mistake, I got physically ill the first time I went out because of the intense fear I felt for the unknown... but it's all good and well worth it. 3. Take care of yourself - I joined a gym, brush my teeth twice a day, shower twice a day, get enough rest (most of the time, cough) and feed my body. It's amazing how much better we all feel when we can no longer fit in our clothes because our muscles have outgrown them...or how much better we feel just after a full day of taking care of ourselves! I know, the things I do may seem kinda cheezy - but it's some of the ideas that I've gathered from others that I've talked to.... they worked for them and are currently working for me (most of the time).... so give yourself a break and give em a shot! Don't repeat the same behaviors expecting yourself to feel better - you need to change things up and get some shock back in your life!

I feel your pain - not because I've been in the exact same situation, but I DO know how it feels to realize you were used by someone and they've left to be with someone else. The first thing to remember is: THESE ARE BAD PEOPLE. You are not a bad person, you are a 'fixer' who probably enjoys helping others and bringing out their full potential. There are tons of guys/girls out there that prey on 'fixers'. Again, these are BAD people who NEED fixers otherwise their lives will be in shambles. They tend to hop from one fixer to another so rest assured - his new girlfriend is gonna have her hands full. I think the hardest thing to get over is the fact that my mind tells me that there's something wrong with ME when someone leaves me?! That I'm to blame, not good enough, not man enough, not attractive enough, not fun enough, etc - that I'm basically a loser. This seems to happen each time rejection happens, either from a long term relationship or even a short one. The best action I can recommend is to get into YOUR own life and let him ruin his own. Do things YOU enjoy, keep the focus on YOU, dig in and find out if maybe you look for guys who are on the down and outs (fixing potential) and possibly you can change that. I know it's tough - the other person in your thoughts non-stop... picturing them in your mind having fun and laughing without you by their side. But we all know this isn't reality. It's a trick our minds use to make us feel worthless and have lower self esteem.... keep that head high and focused on what's important - YOU.

My personal experience? Rarely have I ever (when I still had feelings for someone) enjoyed hearing about the good things happening in their life after our relationship was over. I never enjoyed friends telling me and especially not the actual girl - it always came off like she was show-boating and trying to show me how much better off I would have been with her (whether she meant to or not). Truth is, unless we're friends, I have no business talking to an X. It was over for a reason and at that time was the best for both of us (whether we see it or not at the time). So for me to try and IM/Call/Email an X it's a weak attempt for me to try to either feel better about my own personal life (by seeing someone else worse off than I) or to try and re-kindle something. I'd let it go bro - you don't need to truly understand it. Just know that she will most likely NOT be happy at the good things happening in your life. It will either make her angry or make her try and get back into your life - which neither sounds like options you'd choose.

One word: Adderall I'd recommend visiting your doc and explain what's going on. Chances are they'll quickly diagnose you with A.D.D. and get you on Adderall. The other option is to buy the junk underground - though I would not recommend this. This drug is in HIGH demand by college students due to it's ability to keep the user awake for long periods of time and enables them to focus on single tasks for hours. Good luck.

Well, being a guy who has been in a similar situation (the dumper) I can atleast shed some light as to my own personal experience with it. As far as how does a guy feel? I felt relief at first, I had finally gotten honest with the girl and let her go. Up to that point I was saying quite a bit of nice stuff to her only to keep her happy and her worries at bay that I wasn't really that happy with her. I didn't talk about marriage, but I know she thought I was head over heels for her - because of how I talked/treated her....like a princess. After a few weeks (give or take) I felt remorse/guilt/horrible for hurting someone I cared about. I wanted to make her happy again, wanted her to smile and be in my arms....but it was too late - I couldn't do it. More time passed and she moved on. It was kinda funny cause as soon as I found out she had hooked up with someone else I INSTANTLY wanted to call her and start trying to pursue her again. Why? Who knowz. I don't think it's love...I think it's more of a jealousy/challenge kinda thing for me. The entire time she wanted to be back with me I could care less other than feeling bad that I had caused her pain....but as soon as she was done with me I just had to try and get her back....duh. I didn't try though and enough time has passed we have both moved on... Just my xp.

Wow - your post was me about 8 months ago (before my divorce). I was in the same situation (although married for a few years) seeking counseling and wanting nothing more than my wife to love/want me again. The sad thing is that when this day finally did come - and she DID want me back - I really just wanted her to get the hell outta my life. I realized I had spent SOOOOOOOOOOO much time and energy trying to WIN her over, putting up with all kinds of rediculous bs from her, like I'm a loser or something and she was the prize??? I never realized that I was the prize as you may realize for yourself. My only suggestion is to NOT forget who you are, what YOU want and what's important for YOUR personal growth. I realize it's a challenge and no one likes it when their partner isn't interested in them anymore - but fair warning, ya gotta consider if it DOES end.... try to make sure you haven't placed you're entire life into her hands cause lemme tell you - it's a serious shocker when you wake up and realize you're completely alone because you chose to blow everyone around you off while you focused everything on MAKING a relationship work.

I'm with Dashel on this one... my experience in this type of situation has NEVER been a very good one. There's a reason why she is dating you and NOT leaving her boyfriend of 3yrs. She's obviously unable to be on her own for any length of time - otherwise she'd simply leave this guy she's not happy with and pursue other relationships. Bottom line - my experience has been that women who do this to others WILL do it to me when the time comes. They boy-hop and can't stay in anything very long without either cheating or looking for other opportunities. Not a very solid foundation if ya ask me.