anonymit

First, let me preface it by saying, it all depends. You might be with a man who can and will actually move forward with you. But you may not, and that's the risk you're taking. I can only say from my personal experience, that my former CP SO, battled the idea of marriage and kids with me during the two times we were a couple (total of five years). Just two months ago he was saying to me he'd make a great dad, etc. He knew when we started dating the second time (after a five year split), that I without a doubt wanted marriage and kids. I had told him that I didn't want to be 37 and him backing out of this relationship (we started up again when I was 31). I thought everything was WONDERFUL. We were in love, we were good to and for each other. He even encouraged me to move closer. THe minute I did, he cheated on me. Now, he was never a cheater (that I knew of, though this could mean he had always been, I'll never know). The permanence of my move made him run for the one thing that would prevent our future, thereby eliminating the pressure of his phobia. Good for him, but now I'm devastated. What I'm saying is, my former SO tried the idea on for size as it sounds your SO is. Heck, we all try our future lives on for size. But you have to know there's no guarantee. My advice? I wish I had listened to it myself. Give him 18 months from when you start dating to a proposal. If it doesn't happen, you tried. It's more than enough time. If he doesn't propose, he probably won't in the timely fashion you want. A man doesn't really need more than 1-2 years dating to get down on one knee. If he doesn't, you need to question his intent. But you should also have a good idea of his intent from your conversations. I think it's time to be direct. Tell him what you want, what you believe, what the timeline is. See how he reacts and you'll have your answer.

When I caught him cheating, that was the end of us. He's actually "with" her now. I saw her car at his house the next weekend. Basically, I've been ostensibly replaced. Harsh.... How she could stay knowing the truth, I'll never understand. (I mean, when I caught them it was early Sunday a.m., I banged on his front door, asked if there's anyway I could be misinterpreting this, and got my answer. She heard everything I had to say. He must have convinced her otherwise). During the confrontation I asked him how he thought it was okay and he just lied saying we hadn't been out in months, when in actuality, he had been "busy" with "work" the past few weeks, but we hadn't broken up. Heck, I didn't know anything was going on until he started to blow things off right and left and I got suspicious. Anyway, I won't tolerate cheating. It simply says I don't love you, I love what I want more. So, I'm coming to terms with 10 years of my life in an on/off relationship with him for 5 years of that...wasted. I actually really loved him, but he's just incapable of an adult relationship. And the cheating, well, the timing (my move to his hometown) shows me how much he feared commitment, and the choice of how to push me away succeeded in doing it permanently. I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Trust is nearly impossible to restore. And if he did this before marriage, heck, imagine what issues would come up after marriage. I have no choice but to move on. Hardest thing to do. I want his love and I want it fully, but he can't give it.

With my recent breakup with a CP, I wish so much that I could have helped him see where he was, what he was doing. Even now, I wish to help him. Is there anything your SO could have done or was it a path you had to walk?

I'm desperately trying to understand the mindset of a commitment phobe. For three years, my SO seemed happy with me. Even encouraged me to move close by. The minute I did, he did the one thing he had always told me he hated...cheating. I don't think he'd ever done it before. And now there's no going back. I just don't get how you stop feeling/caring for your SO enough to commit such an act or run so far so fast. I doubt I'll ever have the answers from him, but thought actual CPs could offer some insight.

Long story short, met the CP 10 years ago, dated for two, broke up for five, dated the past three years, just moved to his hometown a month ago with his blessing and encouragement and then last week caught him cheating. The one thing he abhorred, he did. I have a lot of feelings that I have to deal with...but I just want to say, I wish he had read those books and recognized this in himself. I am tempted to send them to him, but he's now with this other lover it seems. My catching them...he couldn't see anything wrong with it. He appeared to have morals, now has none. Beyond this betrayal and the subsequent pain, I actually have tremendous compassion and yes, love, still for him. I just hate the path he just set forth on, I know it's not the best for him. I'm glad you realized you've got a problem. My advice, get into therapy before you ever step in another relationship. Deal with your fears so you won't take them out on someone else. And when you're sincere, apologize to these women because your fears can destroy them. I know now I will never be with this person again and I had loved him so much and wanted to marry him. That he seems to feel suddenly nothing for me destroys me. And he looks at me like I'm the one with the problem for loving him so deeply. I told him to never contact me again, but I do hope that when he figures out what he is and what he's done, he will just say he's sorry. Ultimately, I just want the best for him but I need peace too.