sharper4

Wow - lots of good info. BeStrongBeHappy - Fear not... I wouldn't move in or anything until she was at the very least divorced. We were warned about even dating but the reality was that she and her ex had long since separated and been dating other people. Its kind of a mute point but I have no intention of moving in until that door is completely closed. Looks like he is going to end up paying the full amount and half the house payments for now. In addition, he's to pay half of all her "living expenses" (water, electric, etc) and she is to pay half of his "living expenses" (same) until the divorce is finalized (about a 2 wk process from here). Thanks everyone for your input.

Thanks so much for your replies. The daughter is the center of both our worlds. Even though we've only been together just 6+ months I have to admit that I do care and love them both dearly. I've been taking a mostly passive approach, only really giving my opinion when I feel its needed or asked for, but even then I just brush on what's needed. I don't want to take over, I want to add to both of their lives. I don't like disagreeing with my g/f over small things b/c I don't want her to feel that I'm attacking the way she wants to raise her child. Just because I wouldn't allow my 5 1/2 yr old to sleep with me (given the opportunity) doesn't mean its wrong for her to want that. I'm open to her beliefs and thoughts, I just don't want the daughter to resent me. Although she doesn't now, I would hate for her to resent me b/c she's not given the same level of "quality" time with mom when I'm around vs when I'm not. Thanks so much for your input. I think that I'll continue to remain a little passive for now. As things get more serious I will add more input where I can.

I know this is long, so cliffnotes are at the bottom: So my g/f and I have been dating for more than 6 mos now. When I first met her she would let her daughter sleep with her most of the time, but she was already cutting that back b/c she said a 5 1/2 yr old should be sleeping in her own bed through the night. Her ex has been doing the same thing since they spoke about it. I have started to stay over more and more; now I stay nearly every single night. The daughter doesn't know though - she thinks I leave after she goes to bed and I'm gone for work before she rises in the morning. I'm traveling on business this week and my g/f informed me that her daughter has slept with her (as a reward) for the past 3 days. She's made it clear each night that it was a 1-time deal and that she should not continue to ask in the future if she can sleep with mommy, but then a 1-time deal became a 3-time deal instantly. This kind of tells me that she was cutting back the daughter sleeping with her b/c I was in the picture, not b/c it was the right thing to do for the daughter. I don't want the daughter to put together that when I'm in town she can't sleep with mom, but when I'm gone its OK. The daughter very much enjoys the privilege. I did speak with my g/f about this before I left b/c she had informed her daughter more than a week ago that she could sleep with her Sunday night if she was good. She had been using it as leverage for good behavior and it worked pretty well, but I warned that the daughter would start asking again and was concerned it might backfire. My g/f assured it me it was a 1-time deal and she insisted her daughter knew that as well (but then again - the 1-time deal did become a 3-time deal). I guess this makes me feel like she's more lenient and more of a friend to the daughter when I'm not around as compared to when I am around. My own beliefs are that the daughter should sleep in her own room, but that's not b/c I want to sleep with mom, its b/c she's 5 and should be sleeping in her own room. I feel like its my duty to stop staying over so frequently now b/c I have changed something that she obviously wouldn't have changed if I weren't in the picture. My g/f doesn't want that but I don't want to be the reason that the daughter doesn't get something that she very much looks forward to when I'm not around. I brought it up and tonight the daughter will probably sleep in her own room... but I believe its b/c I said something, not b/c she feels its the right thing to do. What should I do? I don't want to be the person that interferes with their relationship. If that's what my g/f wants and believes is right, then that's what she should feel comfortable allowing. The last thing I want is the daughter to know she doesn't get everything she used to simply b/c I'm around (even though she technically doesn't know I stay the night, she will realize that I wasn't around for dinner or whatever the night she got a reward). What do you think? My g/f told me not to make a big deal out of this and that I should continue to stay all the time... but then again I don't leave for business again for quite a while. Is she saying and doing what she wants just to make me feel better? If I left, would she just allow the daughter to sleep with her again? If she did, would it even really matter? I may very well just be over-reacting and the daughter isn't putting any of this together. Who knows. Cliffnotes: My g/f allows the daughter to sleep with her when I'm not around (ie: traveling for work), but not when I am around. Should I be worried the daughter will resent me for not getting the same attn and rewards when I am there vs when I'm not?

Alright guys, no offense but this thread is getting hijacked. Lets pls stop arguing over whether or not her and I should discuss moving in. She moved on. The husband moved on. They technically separated July 2005. He moved out just prior to 2006. I met her in July. Didn't meet the daughter until a few months later, so for arguments sake, it was probably 10+ months that they weren't 'living' together before the daughter met me. The child has no idea that they were or weren't technically divorced so lets not let this get any more off topic than it already is. Thank you. Could we not continue to reply back to other's regarding my g/f moving on, that's not what this thread was about. Not flaming, just trying to stay on topic.

How would you feel if you were searching the web and found that she posted this and you had no idea? Is your un-happiness a result of comparing her to what your ex-wife was like? Are you just not used to this new wife's lifestyle while living with her? Obviously, you two were happy enough that you got married after two years together. That says something. Honestly - I think ya'll should consider marriage counseling. In any event, I do believe you owe her a heart to heart. If you are truly unhappy with her, you shouldn't be with her. Best of luck.

I appreciate your advice and will certainly take it in to consideration, but its too late to just say "stay out of it". Perhaps its easier given that you aren't emotionally involved, but my question was not tailored to us moving in together rather than if I should help when she asks for my advice regarding the divorce. I will take a look at the info from Dr Joy Browne, but can we stay on topic please?

Thanks much for the quick advice. As for not getting involved - its a little late. Obviously if we've spoken about the potential to move-in we're extremely close. She spent nearly 8 months separated without men coming in and out of her daughter's life before I came in to the picture. And she's was very careful about introducing me too soon. If we were to move in, it wouldn't likely even be feasible for another 6 months due to the sale of the house (they haven't even had a real estate agent look at the house let alone anything else). I do realize that the daughter needs to be the center of attn and her needs should come before any of ours. My question was more about insuring that my g/f comes out the best she can financially in the long run which will obviously in the end help her daughter out. Am I missing something from his offer? I guess perhaps it doesn't matter. I'm just trying to help her but if the bottom line answer is that I need to stay out of it then that's probably the best thing for me to do. She can make her own decision and deal with the consequences herself. Not that she would, but then I'd know she couldn't come back on me if her decision wasn't the right one.

So, I've been dating a girl that's still married. She separated more than a year ago and has been living in "their" house alone with their daughter for the entire year. He has also moved on but they have both avoided the actual divorce because it financially benefited them both to leave everything together. The house, car, bank, etc are all still in both of their names. Its weird, but they are in fact over and nothing is going on between the two of them. Recently, as the divorce is finally getting formal, she asked for roughly $600 in child support and for him to pay half the house payment until it sells. He absolutely refuses, saying that he believes his daughter only needs roughly $500 to live on. In our state, the father's child support is automatic based on his income, so in the end he'll end up paying the $600-ish either way unless she willing informs the judge that she doesn't wish to seek the full amount owed. Here's where I'm confused. He has offered to pay $500 / month for child support and help her out with an additional $250 for her car payment (and continue to pay half the mortgage payment until the house sells). In the end, he's financially worse off by $150 / month for the next 5 years. Given his resistance to pay the initial $600 figure, I'm wondering why he's being so generous. There absolutely must be a plus-side of this for him in the end or in the long run or he wouldn't offer to pay more than he's required. Obviously, she's considering this. It benefits her if she's gaining $750 / month instead of $600. What am I missing? Her and I are getting pretty serious (been dating about 6 months) and I can see us moving in together after her house sells (its not yet on the market). I don't want her to be financially dependent on her ex though. Is that me being selfish? I don't want to find that she can't help me with our living expenses because the ex stopped paying her that $250 that he promised her... even if its written up in some contract. I don't really think he'd do that, given that his daughter ends up suffering in the end if I don't pick up the slack financially, but is it a risk worth taking? Should I just let her do her own thing and stay out of it all together? She's a big girl but she's never been "on her own". They were high school sweethearts and she's always relied on him. She still believes that if at the end of the month, in either scenario, she needed money, that he would give it to her (because it would benefit his daughter). Its also important to note - in our state she can only go back and ask for the child support figure to be re-calculated once every three years. At the end of the day, I only want the best for her and her daughter. What are your thoughts?

If you had enough solid proof you already would have gone to your sister instead of asking us for advice, so let it go until you know something for sure. Just my opinion.

Give it a little bit more time. I'm with rms8 on this - you took a big step with him by just looking at rings and he may be a little bit overwhelmed. If you've been together a year it tells me that you can talk about sensitive topics but you shouldn't go over-board with this. Sure, you'll both recover but if you give him a little space he's likely to come back to his normal ways sooner if you let him come back on his own terms. Fear not - if he's looking at rings he's obviously thinking long term. You should too.....

Silence will say more than any words can.

I dated a girl that I would consider to not be my "normal" once and felt embarrassed when I was with her and shallow for feeling the way I did. In the end, our personalities were enough off that I called it quits. I learned that I wouldn't make that mistake again though. You wouldn't buy a car that has all the features you wants but looks fugly, would you? Well maybe I'm shallow but I want to be with someone that I find attractive and can be proud of on all levels. I'm going to look at this person every day, morning and night, and I want to have a connection that goes beyond personality. Give it a try. I'm just sharing my experience. It may make me shallow but at least its truthful.

I'd say he's probably interested in you. Good luck with it!

I can do it. Sometimes I can do it every time. Other weeks I need a little break in between. If I come and she doesn't, I'll touch her or do whatever it takes to make sure she's taken care of. ...and normally that gets me instantly hard. Giving her an orgasm will ALWAYS get me up no matter how many times I've come.

EDIT: Sorry - I replied to the original thread but it appears to have migrated. Here's my answer to your first question. I've got a little reading to do to get caught up though. Sorry about that.... I agree fully with the above statements, but there's another factor going unsaid... just as every guy feels different, so do different girls. Maybe you and your guy just fit in such a way that makes him sensitive and he can't hold it back. Here's another thought - if he has already come once... try to play around a bit and get him back in the mood. The 2nd time round always lasts longer than the first time around. Also try different times during the day - I can go an hour in the morning and not come at all but make it in just 10-15 mins in the afternoon. Try different positions. He feels different when he's on top vs behind you vs when your legs are up vs when down .... so you'll feel different to him too. Maybe he can hold out longer in certain positions. Try to slow him down or maybe not let him be so rough - anything might work. Talk to him or touch him while you're having sex ... it might help with stimulation elsewhere. I can generally hold out for quite a while, but it hasn't always been this way. If I come and my gf hasn't, I'll stick around as long as it takes to make sure she gets what she needs though. That alone normally gets me turned on enough to get going again if she wants it.

As a guy, let me first say this - stop faking. If it isn't happening then it isn't happening. Let him work with you so you can relax to let it come naturally. I'd be severely disappointed to find out my gf was faking when we could have worked together to make sure it was REAL satisfying. Its not like you're doing it on purpose. And the comment on falling asleep above ... brilliant.

If you're working this hard already, its not meant to be. Let him chase your for a little while. Continue your search (as he probably is) and if things work out then you've lost nothing. You're not exclusive or he would be making the time for you and it wouldn't be inconvenient for him. Personally, I'd be more worried that he left you hanging over the holidays. That raises a red flag to me. You know he probably wasn't working the entire time - couldn't he find time in his busy schedule for the girl he wants to be his girlfriend? Tread forward with caution but I wouldn't get my hopes up. Sorry.

Sounds needy. Personally, I think you're better off moving on quietly. Sometimes saying nothing says more than any words could. ...just a thought.

Thanks for all the advice guys. It looks like this might just be a one-time deal and not necessarily a deal breaker. It was wrong of her but perhaps I'm making it a bigger deal than it should be. Its nice to have an outsider look at it though and help give me perspective.

She was "researching" what kind of relationship the ex & I had prior to us getting together.

She went back a good ways - the msg about the ex liking me and wanting to get together was on July 07. My girlfriend and I first got together in late July. She went through pages and pages of msgs to find what she was looking for. But to answer the question - it wasn't really "current" and it was prior to when we started dating to begin with.

Although I don't FULLY agree with this - I can see where your coming from. I take responsibility for perhaps not being as detailed as I should have. I don't know that it really makes a difference if I say "my ex showed interest in me" vs "my ex really wants to get back together and thinks she's better than you". The end result was the exact same... but I can see where it makes a difference to my girlfriend. But are you suggesting that I'm to blame here because I gave her my password? She hadn't (that I'm aware of) betrayed my trust in the past. Just because she had access to all my mail doesn't mean she was allowed to go through it, and she knew it. The odd thing here was this very problem was an example of something she said she would never do (as support to a previous conversation) and yet here she did just the very thing she used to boost her integrity in a previous conversation. I guess that's why this stings even more. Thanks for the welcome to the site. I can't believe the responses I have gotten and I really appreciate it. I hope I'm equally as helpful to you guys.

Emotionally cheating can arguably be worse than physically - just my opinion. But I see this very simple... 1) If you love and ultimately want to stay with your husband, go No Contact with the partner. Its your only choice. At this point you have two more options... a) Tell your husband and hope you can work to rebuild a healthy relationship. b) Not tell your husband but hope he never finds out. You won't recover from it if he finds out later on his own. Or 2) You'd prefer be with this Other Guy. In that case, make sure he feels the same way you do before moving forward. I think it goes without saying that your husband deserves the respect of an honest divorce though. Was that too much? Sorry - if all you wanted was a quick answer then the answer is yes - its emotionally infidelity. If you don't do something about it now it will only be worse, and harder, later.

To clarify - I don't have any contact with the ex. And the "ex" really was never anything that serious... we went on a few dates and I decided she wasn't girlfriend material. Friend material, yes. Girlfriend material, no. She wanted more but I didn't - that was the end of that. Later, after I got together with my current girlfriend, the ex sent me a few msgs telling me just how interested she was in me. I never returned those feelings, but the fact that she showed that interest and I didn't give enough weight to it when telling my girlfriend, well, that's the problem. ...and the fact that my current g/f didn't like that I was close friends with the ex. (And again, for the record, I learned my lesson already about being friends with the ex or any other females for that matter - that's not what's in question here). Its not that I have anything to "hide". Its the mere fact that she did it. She didn't have permission and she knew how I felt about the subject matter. I trusted her with my password. She can't just justify it was OK because she was curious. And then she turned it on me - after breaking my trust, by saying she couldn't be with someone that couldn't trust her. That hurt my feelings just as much as betraying me to begin with. Obviously I changed my password but should I be worried that this is an early sign of a distrustful relationship? Should we really have to "rebuild" trust in the first 6 months? Am I over-reacting?

Quick background... I've been serious with my girlfriend for about 4 1/2 months now. I'm absolutely amazed at how close we are and what I feel for her. She feels the same. The only problems we've ever had revolve a crazy ex-girlfriend of mine that is constantly trying to make the new girlfriend look bad in an effort to get us to break up. We didn't realize it was my ex causing the problems until just a month ago. So here's what happened... Yesterday my girlfriend called and needed something from my e-mail. Since I wasn't around to send it to her, I simply gave her my ID / PSWD and directed her to what she was looking for. She has never shown any interest in going through my mail and we've actually talked about something similar to this in the past since she had problems once with an ex of hers going through her e-mail. About a half hour after we hung up she text's me that "we need to talk". I call and she wants to discuss the ex. I didn't lie to her about my relationship with my ex but she was surprised to find that my ex liked me more than I led on and is disappointed to find that I had questions about the future of my relationship with her until about 2 months ago. She felt that I wasn't honest with her, even though we had discussed absolutely everything she discovered at some point in time prior to her reading it on her own. The mere fact that she read it disturbed her, not the fact that it occurred. Because she read whatever she wanted, she does know that nothing funny was happening with the ex or anything like that. Its not like there is any question of cheating or anything like that. The problem that I have is that I trusted my girlfriend not to sneak around and read any other e-mail msg in my mailbox. She knew ahead of time that I would have problems if I found out she betrayed that trust and allowed her curiosity to out-weight her better judgment. Although I never lied to her and lead a pretty open life, I'm really upset about this. What happened prior to her is none of her business... even though I would likely share it with her. She claims that she would let me read anything in her mailbox so I shouldn't have a problem that she went through my mailbox. I should let you know - I have a GMail account so it saves every e-mail msg you ever send or get. Its not like I was saving any of this - she went through the archive and searched for anything pertaining to the ex. What do I do? Has she over-stepped a boundary or am I making something out of nothing. She apologized but doesn't really show any remorse. Instead - she actually told me that *I* need to decide if I can trust her b/c she doesn't want to be with someone that can't trust her. So basically - she betrayed me and then told me to get over it or leave. What do you think?