sharper4

Wow - lots of good info. BeStrongBeHappy - Fear not... I wouldn't move in or anything until she was at the very least divorced. We were warned about even dating but the reality was that she and her ex had long since separated and been dating other people. Its kind of a mute point but I have no intention of moving in until that door is completely closed. Looks like he is going to end up paying the full amount and half the house payments for now. In addition, he's to pay half of all her "living expenses" (water, electric, etc) and she is to pay half of his "living expenses" (same) until the divorce is finalized (about a 2 wk process from here). Thanks everyone for your input.

Thanks so much for your replies. The daughter is the center of both our worlds. Even though we've only been together just 6+ months I have to admit that I do care and love them both dearly. I've been taking a mostly passive approach, only really giving my opinion when I feel its needed or asked for, but even then I just brush on what's needed. I don't want to take over, I want to add to both of their lives. I don't like disagreeing with my g/f over small things b/c I don't want her to feel that I'm attacking the way she wants to raise her child. Just because I wouldn't allow my 5 1/2 yr old to sleep with me (given the opportunity) doesn't mean its wrong for her to want that. I'm open to her beliefs and thoughts, I just don't want the daughter to resent me. Although she doesn't now, I would hate for her to resent me b/c she's not given the same level of "quality" time with mom when I'm around vs when I'm not. Thanks so much for your input. I think that I'll continue to remain a little passive for now. As things get more serious I will add more input where I can.

I know this is long, so cliffnotes are at the bottom: So my g/f and I have been dating for more than 6 mos now. When I first met her she would let her daughter sleep with her most of the time, but she was already cutting that back b/c she said a 5 1/2 yr old should be sleeping in her own bed through the night. Her ex has been doing the same thing since they spoke about it. I have started to stay over more and more; now I stay nearly every single night. The daughter doesn't know though - she thinks I leave after she goes to bed and I'm gone for work before she rises in the morning. I'm traveling on business this week and my g/f informed me that her daughter has slept with her (as a reward) for the past 3 days. She's made it clear each night that it was a 1-time deal and that she should not continue to ask in the future if she can sleep with mommy, but then a 1-time deal became a 3-time deal instantly. This kind of tells me that she was cutting back the daughter sleeping with her b/c I was in the picture, not b/c it was the right thing to do for the daughter. I don't want the daughter to put together that when I'm in town she can't sleep with mom, but when I'm gone its OK. The daughter very much enjoys the privilege. I did speak with my g/f about this before I left b/c she had informed her daughter more than a week ago that she could sleep with her Sunday night if she was good. She had been using it as leverage for good behavior and it worked pretty well, but I warned that the daughter would start asking again and was concerned it might backfire. My g/f assured it me it was a 1-time deal and she insisted her daughter knew that as well (but then again - the 1-time deal did become a 3-time deal). I guess this makes me feel like she's more lenient and more of a friend to the daughter when I'm not around as compared to when I am around. My own beliefs are that the daughter should sleep in her own room, but that's not b/c I want to sleep with mom, its b/c she's 5 and should be sleeping in her own room. I feel like its my duty to stop staying over so frequently now b/c I have changed something that she obviously wouldn't have changed if I weren't in the picture. My g/f doesn't want that but I don't want to be the reason that the daughter doesn't get something that she very much looks forward to when I'm not around. I brought it up and tonight the daughter will probably sleep in her own room... but I believe its b/c I said something, not b/c she feels its the right thing to do. What should I do? I don't want to be the person that interferes with their relationship. If that's what my g/f wants and believes is right, then that's what she should feel comfortable allowing. The last thing I want is the daughter to know she doesn't get everything she used to simply b/c I'm around (even though she technically doesn't know I stay the night, she will realize that I wasn't around for dinner or whatever the night she got a reward). What do you think? My g/f told me not to make a big deal out of this and that I should continue to stay all the time... but then again I don't leave for business again for quite a while. Is she saying and doing what she wants just to make me feel better? If I left, would she just allow the daughter to sleep with her again? If she did, would it even really matter? I may very well just be over-reacting and the daughter isn't putting any of this together. Who knows. Cliffnotes: My g/f allows the daughter to sleep with her when I'm not around (ie: traveling for work), but not when I am around. Should I be worried the daughter will resent me for not getting the same attn and rewards when I am there vs when I'm not?

Alright guys, no offense but this thread is getting hijacked. Lets pls stop arguing over whether or not her and I should discuss moving in. She moved on. The husband moved on. They technically separated July 2005. He moved out just prior to 2006. I met her in July. Didn't meet the daughter until a few months later, so for arguments sake, it was probably 10+ months that they weren't 'living' together before the daughter met me. The child has no idea that they were or weren't technically divorced so lets not let this get any more off topic than it already is. Thank you. Could we not continue to reply back to other's regarding my g/f moving on, that's not what this thread was about. Not flaming, just trying to stay on topic.

How would you feel if you were searching the web and found that she posted this and you had no idea? Is your un-happiness a result of comparing her to what your ex-wife was like? Are you just not used to this new wife's lifestyle while living with her? Obviously, you two were happy enough that you got married after two years together. That says something. Honestly - I think ya'll should consider marriage counseling. In any event, I do believe you owe her a heart to heart. If you are truly unhappy with her, you shouldn't be with her. Best of luck.

I appreciate your advice and will certainly take it in to consideration, but its too late to just say "stay out of it". Perhaps its easier given that you aren't emotionally involved, but my question was not tailored to us moving in together rather than if I should help when she asks for my advice regarding the divorce. I will take a look at the info from Dr Joy Browne, but can we stay on topic please?

Thanks much for the quick advice. As for not getting involved - its a little late. Obviously if we've spoken about the potential to move-in we're extremely close. She spent nearly 8 months separated without men coming in and out of her daughter's life before I came in to the picture. And she's was very careful about introducing me too soon. If we were to move in, it wouldn't likely even be feasible for another 6 months due to the sale of the house (they haven't even had a real estate agent look at the house let alone anything else). I do realize that the daughter needs to be the center of attn and her needs should come before any of ours. My question was more about insuring that my g/f comes out the best she can financially in the long run which will obviously in the end help her daughter out. Am I missing something from his offer? I guess perhaps it doesn't matter. I'm just trying to help her but if the bottom line answer is that I need to stay out of it then that's probably the best thing for me to do. She can make her own decision and deal with the consequences herself. Not that she would, but then I'd know she couldn't come back on me if her decision wasn't the right one.

So, I've been dating a girl that's still married. She separated more than a year ago and has been living in "their" house alone with their daughter for the entire year. He has also moved on but they have both avoided the actual divorce because it financially benefited them both to leave everything together. The house, car, bank, etc are all still in both of their names. Its weird, but they are in fact over and nothing is going on between the two of them. Recently, as the divorce is finally getting formal, she asked for roughly $600 in child support and for him to pay half the house payment until it sells. He absolutely refuses, saying that he believes his daughter only needs roughly $500 to live on. In our state, the father's child support is automatic based on his income, so in the end he'll end up paying the $600-ish either way unless she willing informs the judge that she doesn't wish to seek the full amount owed. Here's where I'm confused. He has offered to pay $500 / month for child support and help her out with an additional $250 for her car payment (and continue to pay half the mortgage payment until the house sells). In the end, he's financially worse off by $150 / month for the next 5 years. Given his resistance to pay the initial $600 figure, I'm wondering why he's being so generous. There absolutely must be a plus-side of this for him in the end or in the long run or he wouldn't offer to pay more than he's required. Obviously, she's considering this. It benefits her if she's gaining $750 / month instead of $600. What am I missing? Her and I are getting pretty serious (been dating about 6 months) and I can see us moving in together after her house sells (its not yet on the market). I don't want her to be financially dependent on her ex though. Is that me being selfish? I don't want to find that she can't help me with our living expenses because the ex stopped paying her that $250 that he promised her... even if its written up in some contract. I don't really think he'd do that, given that his daughter ends up suffering in the end if I don't pick up the slack financially, but is it a risk worth taking? Should I just let her do her own thing and stay out of it all together? She's a big girl but she's never been "on her own". They were high school sweethearts and she's always relied on him. She still believes that if at the end of the month, in either scenario, she needed money, that he would give it to her (because it would benefit his daughter). Its also important to note - in our state she can only go back and ask for the child support figure to be re-calculated once every three years. At the end of the day, I only want the best for her and her daughter. What are your thoughts?

If you had enough solid proof you already would have gone to your sister instead of asking us for advice, so let it go until you know something for sure. Just my opinion.

Give it a little bit more time. I'm with rms8 on this - you took a big step with him by just looking at rings and he may be a little bit overwhelmed. If you've been together a year it tells me that you can talk about sensitive topics but you shouldn't go over-board with this. Sure, you'll both recover but if you give him a little space he's likely to come back to his normal ways sooner if you let him come back on his own terms. Fear not - if he's looking at rings he's obviously thinking long term. You should too.....

Silence will say more than any words can.

I dated a girl that I would consider to not be my "normal" once and felt embarrassed when I was with her and shallow for feeling the way I did. In the end, our personalities were enough off that I called it quits. I learned that I wouldn't make that mistake again though. You wouldn't buy a car that has all the features you wants but looks fugly, would you? Well maybe I'm shallow but I want to be with someone that I find attractive and can be proud of on all levels. I'm going to look at this person every day, morning and night, and I want to have a connection that goes beyond personality. Give it a try. I'm just sharing my experience. It may make me shallow but at least its truthful.

I'd say he's probably interested in you. Good luck with it!

I can do it. Sometimes I can do it every time. Other weeks I need a little break in between. If I come and she doesn't, I'll touch her or do whatever it takes to make sure she's taken care of. ...and normally that gets me instantly hard. Giving her an orgasm will ALWAYS get me up no matter how many times I've come.

EDIT: Sorry - I replied to the original thread but it appears to have migrated. Here's my answer to your first question. I've got a little reading to do to get caught up though. Sorry about that.... I agree fully with the above statements, but there's another factor going unsaid... just as every guy feels different, so do different girls. Maybe you and your guy just fit in such a way that makes him sensitive and he can't hold it back. Here's another thought - if he has already come once... try to play around a bit and get him back in the mood. The 2nd time round always lasts longer than the first time around. Also try different times during the day - I can go an hour in the morning and not come at all but make it in just 10-15 mins in the afternoon. Try different positions. He feels different when he's on top vs behind you vs when your legs are up vs when down .... so you'll feel different to him too. Maybe he can hold out longer in certain positions. Try to slow him down or maybe not let him be so rough - anything might work. Talk to him or touch him while you're having sex ... it might help with stimulation elsewhere. I can generally hold out for quite a while, but it hasn't always been this way. If I come and my gf hasn't, I'll stick around as long as it takes to make sure she gets what she needs though. That alone normally gets me turned on enough to get going again if she wants it.