Foreigner

Hi, Look, I understand that you feel really scared now, and it all seems like the end of the world (well, almost). But the point is that now your situation is not that awful, and you can get help and solve it and return to normal life. I agree that some things will change, and it'll mostly be you and the way you look on things. Most if aspects of your life won't suffer of it. On the other hand, if you run away, or quit school... Most if not all of those aspects WILL suffer and will suffer a lot. It's much more complex than you think... and finally, if you don't SOLVE the problem it'll go with you all the way wherever you go. What I said so far is that the earlier you do your first step and get help - the earlier you solve the problem! The more you'll wait, the larger the problem will become, especially if you quit school, run away, or do other things that may ruin your life. I know I'm telling you now something you perhaps realize anyway at some level of consciousness, and as "Nifty_Swifty1" has said - you should do that thing that you think is right. And it is get help. You know... sometimes there are situations where you go for the smaller trouble. Well dunno if it's as good as an example... but in the movie "Master and Commander", one of the crew falls into the water during a storm, and if they saved him (waited till he swims to the rescue vessel), the whole ship would sink. So they left him to die in the middle of the sea. If you get help, you WILL feel embarrassed, feel stupid, feel asamed. But with time you will understand that you SHOULDN'T BE. People make mistakes. So what? Can't you?? Aren't you a human too?! If you have caring parents and you know you can trust them, you can try to talk with your mom. You can tell her you've got a problem, and you're afraid that she'll get angry and you can't tell her. That's enough for her to help you tell her, and believe me she won't make you feel worse. If you can't talk with your parents, try to talk with some sort of a psychologist, like a school counsellor, or an older brother/sister/cousin, or an uncle/aunt/grandma, neighbour you trust etc. It's more important to solve it now and not to let the problem grow, and it IS urgent. So muster the courage, and ask for help. From the fact you've asked it here, I see that you have a lot of courage and you do try to solve the problem the best way. So do it! If you have a question, feel free to PM me. Best of luck! Foreigner.

If she tells you she loves you and you don't want to tell her you love her too you can tell "I know... As for how to behave... Don't exude what makes her want space (clingyness, lack of independence, need) but the opposite. Make yourself feel as a complete and happy person even if you're without her (and do whatever you need to FEEL that). This doesn't necessarily mean that you should stop love her or want her to stay with you. It only means that whatever her choice is (and she's free to make it) - you'll remain a happy, complete and balanced person and will find a way out of the sadness. These were my $.02... ~F.

I guess it means that we are social beings and being alone we'll "dry out" - emotionally and consequently physically. However, being in the ocean is OVERintegrated, so I'm not sure. If to look on the metaphor this way, perhaps I'd prefer the rain and not the ocean. Thanks for the food for thought ~F-r.

You can crawl in a hole and die, but I think you would be interested in getting an attractive, intelligent and nice girl to be your girlfriend. If I'm wrong - stop reading now. Otherwise... Read the articles below! They are not ordered in any particular order, but reading them ALL should give you some basic direction to a better love life. It's in your hands whether you do it for yourself, or you do nothing. You don't want to be one of the "guys who sit with a bottle of beer and a cigarette somewhere in a corner and wasting years of their lives... ", so start taking action!!! Articles to read: - link removed - link removed - link removed - link removed - link removed - link removed There much more to learn and to do. It's not an easy road, but it may be a lot of fun, and you can reap great rewards. The decision is yours... If you have any question - PM. Foreigner.

Hi Lady Android, Interesting question... It's yes and no. One can write a lot on this topic, as it's pretty open to various opinions, but here is a brief partition to two (three) cases: If you're talking about feelings during a relationship - then it depends on how the reality fits your expectations. If your expectations were real and you were in love with the actual person that you thought you are in love with - if you nevertheless break up - you can love again, but most probably you'll remember this person for may years if not for all of your life. If you were idealizing that person - your feelings should decrease as a function of time. The better you'll understand the difference between your expectations and reality the faster will be the change in your feelings. If you had no chance to understand this difference, you're in a problem... A soluble problem, but a rather painful one... Best, Foreigner.

Hi pancakes, If Andy behaved this way, he has a problem. He has either found a reason to play games to get you more interested, or he's got issues, or he's simply insecure and was baffled by the situation. In any case - temporarily forget about him (don't contact him). If he contacts you (don't appear too interested if he does, neither be rude of course) and explains his behavior - you may CONSIDER reestablishing contact with him. Otherwise - it's better for you to keep away from him anyway. Someone who appreciates himself and has self worth - others will consider him (her) to be such. If you'll chase him and humiliate yourself after he behaves rudely with you... you won't help the situation and he'll only lose interest and/or continue his game. BTW the post of jtrcka should be deleted!.... Best, Foreigner.

Hi Ashley, Are you sure you want to be with a guy that leaves you from time to time and then comes back?? If he really loved you - he wouldn't be playing all those games. And to me it sounds like he's simply using you and your love. I understand that you love him and how much pain you feel now. But in my opinion you should have some good thoughts about ending this relationship completely. It'll hurt a lot at first, but you'll overcome this, and get a new life and a new love. I know it sounds very far and difficult now, but IMAGINE yourself three years from now in both cases: how would you feel if you stayed with him? How would you feel if you left him now? Which of these two scenarios do you like more?? These were just my 2 cents. You are the one to decide... Good luck! Foreigner.

Atticus02, For a long time haven't felt what your post has made me to... dfcannon has given you a great advice. Also, I thought that maybe it could even be possible for YOU to personally mentor this girl. In my country there is a project of students mentoring children. A significant part of all the students participate in it, and most of them do a one-on-one personal mentoring that includes meeting twice a week with the child for a couple of hours during the school-year. Good luck! Foreigner.

Hey lahso, Foreigner.

Hey, 8) Search a post of mine on this forum (click Profile, and then All Posts By This User) on a thread called something like "Confidence Boosters Anyone?". I've posted a link there to a great article called "Buried Alive". It should give you the motivation to do it... And in general - read my posts on shyness/like-her related threads - you'll find a lot of useful material there. Really. I'm in a hurry now AND I'm tired writing almost the same things every time. So it's your choice. As for me - I highly recommend (especially reading the linked articles - there are some in my previous posts). Good luck! ~Foreigner.

Hey JazzMan, Look, I start to feel stupid posting the same thing over and over again, and not even getting a response in many of the cases, because people don't even put the time to read. They ask for help but they want some magical instant solution. They're too lazy to put the effort... I'll elaborate. I feel a lot of empathy for people in your situation, well - guess why?... Yeah. I've been there too, and nor am I that far away now, but let's say there is a visible progression There is a solution. But heck, as any other good thing you've gotta invest in it. It doesn't cost you any money or something like that. It's time, effort and endless motivation. And you know what? I won't place any links this time. I want to hear first whether you have that motivation to put effort in order to improve your life. If you don't - it's your problem. If you do - PM me, or simply read some stuff in my previous posts. Peace, Foreigner.

Hey, I think that because she's shy you have less to fear of. She is intimidated by you much more than you by her. Tell her after church that you're gonna (for instance) go bowling on Tuesday evening and ask her to join you. It should be less intimidating for her because: you gonna go anyway (it should be so), it's active and not romantic, it's not Saturday night, etc. I think it should work if she likes you. Anyway, you should see how she responds. And if she rejects you - well, what can you do... It's her loss. Good luck! Foreigner.

Hey dextro, Isn't it the fact that you don't crave them what makes them crave you? Think of that for a moment. It seems to me that you are naturally doing what some of us will never learn. You're a lucky guy! As for Mark... well, you can try to explain him that it's basically either his situation of yours. He's the one to choose which reality he prefers for himself... Best, Foreigner.

Hi sxr4h, You should get over her, understand that she is a human, that she is not special more than anybody else, and that EVEN if you could get into a relationship with her - it wouldn't be as great as you would think it to be. Let me know what you think... Good luck! Foreigner.

Hey shizuka, From sabena's answer you can also see what most probably happen to you with your friend. Seeing someone "only as a friend" means not wanting him romantically. Just my two cents. Foreigner.

Hey faeriechyld, I think you should ignore him. But... if he touched you, kissed you, undressed you, etc. against your will - it IS considered a rape as far as I know. So if you wasn't cooperating with him and he has sexually abused you - you can, and perhaps even should turn to the police. Also don't forget that if it gets worse and he starts doing stupid things you can get a restraining order. ~Foreigner.

Hey dogstar, I have bad news and good news. Read on... As it traditionally happens, I'll start from the bad ones. After breaking up with her boyfriend she had suddenly found herself alone, a fact that she had probably seen as somewhat questioning her success as a girl. Knowing that you like her, and should be interested in being with her - she has found the best remedy to her recent loneliness and perhaps a way to show her boyfriend and other people that she is an attractive and pursued girl, because as soon as she broke up with her boyfriend - she is going to dates with another enthusiastic wooer. Seeing you as a nice person, but not being sexually attracted to you, she didn't feel like attaching too much to you. Thinking, talking with people, observing other people's behaviour etc. made her think that this is not enough and you were already straight on your way to actually become a classic rebound relationship. After being away, having some fun, getting more in ease with the idea of her being alone, and less in ease with initiating a romantical relationship with someone whom she is not attracted to - she made up her mind that she'd better do not become exclusive with you. Chances are that you shouldn't blame yourself here. Perhaps even the opposite could be right... Exactly. She doesn't want to insult you, so that you'll keep wooing her, but nor does she want to be your girlfriend as she is not attracted to you. Guess what is her best way out? Does it still confuse you? I'm sorry that I have to say that, but you'll have to deal with this feeling. It's either that she feels alone again because she finds herself being less in a company in summer that during school, or she's simply being an egoistic beeyotch that want's to keep you doing what you've been doing till now (givng her attention, and proving again and again her femininity/sexuality - for her, and for others). A guy can be that naive only when he's infatuated. 1. In your case it's NO. You want to break this game of her. This is the only way for you to stopped being played by her. This is the only way to get her out of your head if she doesn't like you (and I can say that it's 95% that she doesn't), and the only way to make her be attracted to you either. Be kind with her, but keep yourself above her. Always. You can sometimes tell her you're busy (and it would be better for you in general if you really WERE busy), you can tell her that you're can't meet from time to time if she initiates something. Play harder to get. People don't want something they get for free, especially if they are convinced "please, PLEASE take it". 2. Statistically - yes. Practically, when the chance is 95% that she don't you'd better act like she don't if you don't want to screw a good couple of years of your life, and possibly have a trauma for the rest of it. Solve your problem now! Start learning how to understand women and how to behave with them! 3. Volleyball sounds nice. Especially if you play well, or at least better than her. Don't do anything romantic. Do whatever you'd do with a guy friend of yours there. You can even play her back like: ride fast, pick on her that she gets tired and tell her that you want to ride a bit more and she may wait for you if she likes. Here I count on you that you can choose something suitable. What if she'll leave you ask? Nothing bad that I can see. It can perhaps stop her game, make you stop loving her at some point, or if you do the teasing light and correct enough - you may even make her like you (but don't COUNT on that). 4. Act with her like she was a female friend of you. Don't ever feel or show her that you need HER or her love. You can slightly express your sexuality, but being new in this game you can see this girl only as a training, because for you this is all she is. For all 100%. Any questions? PM me. Good luck! Foreigner. P.S.: Oh, I almost forgot the good news! The good news are that you have a good reason to make a very positive change in your life. Of course you've got to put A LOT of willingness and effort...

Hey, Look, as someone has said already - love is cruel. And love is frequently about playing games. When you keep the tension and make your relationship in a courtship state all the time - both sides FEEL that if they need to invest effort in order to be with the other, it must me something worthy. Perhaps your relationship has lost this element. You must understand that when we are infatuated - we tend to think of our beloved ones as perfect and deserving to be worshipped. But it's wrong, because they are only human beings... She has obsessions, and fantasies, and insecurities, and problems, and angers, and... she sometimes gets late to places and sometimes she says insulting things or does immoral deeds. You must heal yourself. Involve in some physical activity at least three times a week (running, swimming, gym, ball games...), read some motivating books or psychology books/articles (PM me if you want some). Time will pass and you'll want to live again, and really enjoy life. You'll thank yourself, and Lord, and people who have helped you that you didn't do such an unresponsible and coward act and was strong enough to rehabilitate yourself. You will love again. But this time it'll be a much successful love, because till then you'll learn a lot of lessons from what happened to you now, and from what you'll read. And what should you do now? Hear some happy music, take all her pictures off your desk, and go do some sports! Good luck!!! I know you can do it! The fact that you've asked help means that you wanna live... ~Foreigner.

Confidence boosters you say? Read link removed article by Challenge Guy. Feedback through PM will be welcome... 8) Best, Foreigner.

Take a look at this thread: link removed

Reborn, that was a great advice in my opinion... All thumbs up! Foreigner.

Umm... I think that there are things that are much better left unsaid... If you really want you can say that you're sorry you didn't call, you were busy with friends, playing outside, whatever and forgot to call. This should give her a feeling that you have life and partly heal the clinginess effect that you have created. By the way talking on the phone every day and even almost every day, especially if it's for an hour and a half ( and with a girl you hardly started dating - appears as clingy too. Don't you think it is much better to call her to join you for some activity and have a conversation meanwhile instead of sitting on the phone? Peace, Foreigner.

Hey Raven, link removed is an article that should answer your question If it's new to you then what do you think? And by the way... where are you from? You can PM back instead of replying if you wish. Best, Foreigner.

Hey, If you were older I would have said it was a 99.75% lost case. In your age your chances with THIS SPECIFIC GIRL are perhaps a bit higher but not much higher. But it doesn't really matters what your exact chances are. What does matter is that in a month, half a year, let it be even a year or two - you won't be infatuated with her anymore. Soon afterwards there will be someone else - another subject for your feelings, but the situation will probably be the same unless YOU change. If you ask how to change - then you've got to work on your physical fitness (regularly running, playing basketball, whatever...), caring for yourself, being busy and willing to put effort into things you find important or enjoyable (not being lazy), becoming independent, developing link removed, etc. You get my point. Then, when you'll like a girl - your chances with her (and not only in getting a positive response when asking her out...) will drastically improve. So will your status among the other kids. It will take TIME... and EFFORT. But I think that it's worth that! 8) Good luck! Foreigner.

As you probably guess there is no rapid way to overcome this so that you'll be able to change "for her". But through a lot of hard work you CAN improve in this area (with no regard to her) and eliminate your shyness... I was extremely shy about a year ago, and now I'm only somewhat shy. I still have a long way, but I see a huge difference. Being funny is great, and can really lighten the situation. As for that sentence... it can work with some girls, but I believe that (=agree with the theory according to which) saying something like that will send her the wrong message - a message of being a nice person (friend) and not a romantically/sexually attractive person (boyfriend). In the same manner there are types of date activities that you'll have a larger chance of success with - according to experience of many other guys, and there are ones that will almost likely fail. The same goes for manners of invitation, behaviour, etc. Of course every situation is different, and so every person is, but when you learn how to cook you first use recipes, only afterwards do you gradually allow yourself to improvise as your heart desires. Well, guess what? Behaving with women is not different. Let me know if you want me to elaborate anything (what?)... Foreigner.