Batya33
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Everything posted by Batya33
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Sorry to sound like a broken record but it sounds like despite your strong feelings for her you do not have compatible values. You've stated that it is too difficult to leave in part because of the finances, and logistics. Only you know your priorities - right now they apparently are the finances and logistics of moving and the material comforts of staying. I am not judging those priorities just observing that you know what you can do to get out of this situation, you are choosing not to do that, and yes it is more than fine to vent, but to ask for advice when you've been given advice including specific options seems unproductive. It all comes down to your priorities.
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The "user friendly" kind of relationship... really impossible?
Batya33 replied to Baby Carrot's topic in Relationship Advice
I think there are women who for whatever reason, do not get emotionally attached from sex or if they do it doesn't bother them if the relationship is purely for sex. I am not one of those women but I don't agree with your generalizations. -
OK I thought you had a child with her - my mistake.
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Because you are their father and have the authority to get full custody and take them out of this situation.
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You are not, but you are part of the reason they are in this situation. I know getting custody would be very difficult but you might want to consider that under the circumstances.
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Please stop with the slippery slope - it just makes your arguments that much more transparent. You vowed not to have s_x with another man when you married your husband - remember all those lovely presents you got from people and your party and the vows you took? If you wanted to be with someone else, then you had the obligation to divorce. Period. And, no, I would never cheat and try to justify it by saying that I was too young when I got married, etc. I have never cheated - I have never been married and I believe I would never cheat if I were married - it is just not in my nature. The more you make these extreme "no one is perfect" arguments the less I can even try to relate to your situation.
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It depends what you want and how honest you are with yourself as to what you want. For me there would be zero benefit - I'd rather never date than date someone who didn't think there was potential for a relationship. I don't see any benefits to that - the s_x would feel "icky" and I'd rather have dinner, go to movies, do date stuff, alone or with friends than with someone like that. But, it's an individual decision of course.
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I would not wait until you first meet. From personal experience and those of my friends it is nerve wracking enough to meet someone new through an on line ad - if you show up and your disability is obvious and significant he may not be able to look past it or get to know you the way he could have had he been prepared. Also, if you are going to on line date I would strongly suggest getting a phone - you can learn a lot about a person from their tone of voice, manner of speaking, how they greet you that you cannot from typing. It's a good way to screen out unsafe types also.
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You sound like a very thoughtful and insightful person. Here's what I think - totally cherish and enjoy this "ride" - it's a lovely feeling - don't let me (lol) or anyone else taint that - what's the point. Look, you know you're not going to get engaged tomorrow or hopefully pregnant so just enjoy each other and keep that silly smile on your face! I will say the last time I felt that intense/head over heels it lasted for about two months. At that point I could tell he wasn't going to be committing to me any time soon, so I gave it one more month (in my own mind). At the end of that month, he did something that showed me that he was truly an imbalanced, unstable person (and he admitted to me that was the case - he hadn't lied before, it's just part of getting to know someone). I knew I couldn't have a family with this man and I spoke to many friends and family all of whom said "run and run now." A nd these were people who were totally rooting for us. I did - frankly I didn't need much convincing based on what I saw and experienced that day - and within a week or less while I had the lovely memories of those great feelings, I also realized that for me (and this is just me!) that "sure" feeling was largely based on newness, the excitement of the newness, his utter charm (and good looks, ok ;-)) etc. I had not been intimate with him because I was waiting for a commitment so that helped me get over him more quickly. On the other hand as I mentioned I know many couples who just knew basically right off the bat and are very happy together. I hope you are one of them!
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I would be surprised if you were addressing me as I did address his concerns in one of my posts.
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Of course you're not perfect. No one is. Not sure how that has any relevance to the damage you have chosen to do to your husband. I am glad you've set a deadline for yourself but I hope that you don't see what you have done as justified by "well nobody's perfect." All that means is that you will do it again. On the other hand, since that is your barometer by which you measure values, I'm sure you will cut the same slack to your lover when he inevitably cheats on you. Right?
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Look, no one is a saint, including me. A decision like this is so difficult (and this is why I've never been a fan of living together before marriage more than temporarily, particularly with kids involved). In the end, it's only money - easy for me to say, of course, but truly, it is only money. As far as your health, since it is a huge house why not move into another area of the house for now? You got involved knowing - from fairly early on I am sure - that this woman has tons of baggage - as much as she may have been a victim of her exes she also chose them at some point so that says something. Of course people can change but it sounds like she is still not taking responsibility for herself and her family - at least not to the extent that is satisfactory to you. The child you have together is going to pay a much larger price than you ever will for your house and things if you stay together in this situation. Maybe that will help you make this very difficult decision. All the best.
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Well he is talking about the stress men have vis-a-vis women and to me that is a statement in a vaccuum without considering the stress women face, in turn. That most certainly affects the dynamics - and stress - of the relationship.
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I agree with this and if a person truly feels that she is only going to connect with a few people and that she cannot give up the chance to be with those people the best thing to do is not to get married or committed in the first place so that she is free to be with those people whatever the timing or the situation.
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One more comment - someone mentioned that she doesn't have to choose love - she just does love him. I remember a religious figure (woman) said to me about ten years ago on that topic that one part of a healthy/successful relationship is knowing how to be giving even when you're not feeling loving (which at least to her is a normal part of any healthy relationship) - she used as an example getting your husband his favorite breakfast even on a morning when you feel like "why I am with this guy??" See, that is what I think is a true accomplishment. I think it is lovely to be in love and feel love - but the hard part comes when that constant high fades and you have to be giving even though you might not be inspired to be. Sometimes just being giving at those times re-ignites the spark because you remember why you got together in the first place.
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I think it is great that you feel this way and I have heard many indecisive people say just this (including myself typically in shorter relationships like yours). With all due respect I don't think your "sureness" makes your decision that he is "the one" any more sound than someone who comes to it from a perspective of wondering and doubts and then taking the plunge. It makes it far easier for you because you are feeling so into him and in love, but it doesn't mean that in the long run your decision is any better or that you have even made a good decision just because you have this "sure" feeling. I have heard many times - I am sure you have too! - from people who felt so "sure" in the early stages until they spent the better part of a year - or less - with the person and realized that once some of the passion and newness/excitement faded there were flaws that were dealbreakers. This is not to be negative as I know many people who were this sure who are now very happy (!!) - I just don't believe in a strong link between the "sure" feeling and the success of the marriage -
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I think you will get infinite responses to your questions - those who will say "you just know" those who will say "if you have to wonder after ____ time then he is not" and others who will say it's a myth. here's the thing, for some it is easy because they "just know" but if you don't then your task is to actually make the decision rather than having the decision made because you are swept away on cloud nine. I know people who have been swept away, been sure, end up divorced and unhappy and vice versa. I recommend a wonderful book that is helping me with a similar issue called A Fine Romance by Judith Sills - it was published almost 20 years ago but it very insightful on this point. good luck! also keep in mind that people come to "just knowing" differently - I have friends where they were so shocked to be proposed to by anyone "of course" they knew, one who "just knew" because she desperately wanted to have children and he fit the bill, and then there are those with doubts that they share with you but all of a sudden after the ring comes the wall goes up, you never hear about the doubts and they become "smug married" types who "always knew/just knew"
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I raised depression because the OP raised that as his example. I would not date someone with a serious illness where that illness would substantially impair his ability to be a father and raise a family. I don't date men who I don't see as potential marriage partners. I do plan the type of relationship I go into - it doesn't just happen. My interest might just happen but as far as taking the step from interest to a relationship yes i have a list of attributes that must be there - those are, basically, same religion as me, wants marriage and children in the near future, intelligent, hard working, drug-free and yes, healthy. I would be foolish to let a relationship just happen with someone who I couldn't see myself marrying - foolish and selfish too. And yes past matters too - if he was a drug addict/alcoholic I would need to know how long he has been sober/clean, why this happened, the risks of it recurring, whether he had a criminal record because of it. My father has suffered from clinical depression for over 50 years and I am so glad my mother was so supportive and wonderful to him but I am sure she wouldn't encourage me to get involved with someone with that illness. Once again, I focused on clinical depression because that is what the OP focused on - it is silly to ask me if a broken leg would be the same issue - of course it's subjective, of course it depends on what the illness is, how it affects the person's life, etc. I should also add that I would be friends with someone with a serious illness - and have been several times - but to be involved romantically and potentially married that is a whole different story.
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Oh, I don't think he's a bad guy for not being interested in a relationship with her, I just think he wanted to avoid confrontation by claming he didn't want a relationship in general and that she was "too nice" - those are typical excuses.
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Interesting definition of "great father" - a man who has a child with a woman he goes back and forth to (horribly insecure for the child) and cheats on two women at once - so, let's see won't that make a lovely role model for children you might have with him? I guess you don't care whether children you have are exposed to parents with integrity and respect for others. Last time I checked those were fairly important values, don't you agree? And - since you are focusing on how you feel in all of this, how will you feel if you're pregnant and you can't locate him on a particular night - will you really believe he is working late or will you wonder if he is with his ex or a pretty young 20 something from his office (since you will not have your typical figure and may not be in the mood for sex given the pregnancy, etc). Why would he be faithful to you and what will you do when (yes when) you get "bored" again - will you cheat on him, too? Go back to your ex? What if there are children involved? Don't you owe it to yourself to get back or develop some of the basic values of trust and self-respect so that you don't repeat this behavior? Doesn't your husband deserve the chance to find someone who will respect her marriage vows?
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Well if a man suffers from clinical depression he might not be in the best situation to be in a long term romantic relationship. I would not date a man who was financially unstable or who did not have a strong work ethic because he would not be compatible with me - I am financially stable and have a strong work ethic - I am not asking him to be any better than me in those areas. If a man is laid off/fired I would be compassionate but of course I would need to know why and how hard he is trying to get a new job. Again, I wouldn't be asking of him more than I myself brought to the table. And yes if I were home with children full time and providing a healthy and loving environment for our children I would expect him to do his part and provide the essentials.
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If there is such stress I am not sure that men understand the stress women go through in being stay at home mothers particularly since in traditional parlance that work doesn't count as a real job.
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There are many women out there who, like myself, made sure she was self sufficient financially/established in a career so that any man she became involved with would not have that stress.
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If you truly were thinking of your husband, you would have divorced him before cheating or decided not to cheat and work on your marriage instead. You're lucky in a way - you won't be shocked if you go to Mr. Sexy and he cheats on you eventually - you will have known that about his character in advance and vice versa. But given the situation with his child, maybe consider whether he would make a good father to a child of yours . .. . . hmmmmm I also agree that if you decide not to work on your marriage and honor your vows, then see no one and be on your own.
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No - you haven't really tried because you come back even though the situation is not fully resolved. Move out and sign at least a one year lease because this situation likely will take that long to fully resolve at minimum.