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Danny H

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Everything posted by Danny H

  1. Danny H
    Jhemp, you are going to have to do a lot of listening. If your situation is like mine, your wife has been unhappy for some time, and all the while you have blundered on oblivious. They have then reached a point of no return-so to speak- and they break off. It comes as a shock to you because you missed the signs, they are more prepared for the break because they have been thinking about it for a while. You on the otherhand have to get up to speed quickly. Listen to her, don't argue your point, go away and see if any of it rings true. Try and fix what you can, but don't promise miraculous changes, just work on them quietly. If there is love still there surely it can grow with the right approach, but beware it can extinguish with the wrong approach- don't charge her down to make quick decisions Dan
  2. Danny H
    And to add confusion a couple of days ago just before I set off for India she says " I loved you for 16 years, I loved you this year while we were falling apart, I still love you, But I don't believe you can change and we are bad for eachother." well she has a point, but love can overcome, I guess we just ain't at that time. No more clutching at straws, actions speak louder than words, and the fact that she is away partying in London for the 3 days leading up to me leaving- should tell me all I need to know. But there is always that little voice nagging you to try, this or that--aggh!!!
  3. Danny H
    we were together 17.5 years and have 4 kids, it has been 8 weeks since the split. and I agree the pain is just as intense after a 6 month relationship- if you had your heart in there. My question was because after 8 weeks I am still in pain, somebody once said that it takes a month for each year you were together, well that scares the cr#p out of me-lol Dan
  4. Danny H
    How long were you together before you married? also it is often a good idea that when you leave councilling, you don't discuss what went on in the session until the next day ( feelings are raw)- and then only set aside a set amount of time for the discussion, otherwise your partner gets too stressed. Dan
  5. Danny H
    I guess it is like being on a rowing machine-you set off saying "I'll do 1000 metres"- and at 950 you think I can do more I need to go on". See how you feel, at day 27 you might feel good, will it be because you have had a break, or will it be because you are going to speak to them- you must look deep and be honest with yourself. If you feel some healing, then why set yourself back? Dan
  6. Danny H
    Mindplay, I once was so into a women that didn't see me the same way, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do. Maybe oneday she'll suddenly see you and you have become her "type" maybe not Sorry mate it is hard place to be Dan
  7. Danny H
    Thanks guys, no I haven't said a word to the kids, they will have to live with her, and my oldest daughter would make her life hell if she had all the facts, and that isn't fair to any of them. We have just said "these things happen, and we will always love you, and we will always be there". dan
  8. Danny H
    Crossflow, search out my posts, my wife and I split November after 17 years together. we also have remained too close over xmas we have 4 kids I also hoped that by being decent we could sort it, she doesn't want to. I also have put my ring somewhere ( feels weird without it hey?) Best Dan
  9. Danny H
    You are in pain my friend, They say it will get better, and we know it will, but right now everything is grey. I'm glad for you that you had a little ritual to remember good luck Dan
  10. Danny H
    From what I'm reading you have kids from a previous, yes? Do you want them to see you so up/down , twirled around? She seems to be acting like a teenager ( no offence to the mature teenagers we have on this board). She needs to grow up, and deal with her highly emotional state. And you, 3 exes and a new date in how many days???
  11. Danny H
    Life, from your post it doesn't seem like she has gone totally cold on you, I mean she text'd you from a club at midnight, if she was having the time of her life with somebody else would she have bothered?. For the sake of the future and your own sanity, see the paranoia as just that until you have concrete evidence either way. Best Dan
  12. Danny H
    What can we say Freckle that we haven't said already? He is a weak man who can't make up his mind ? OR he is an evil bast#rd who is stringing two people along? You take your pick which it is, but neither is good for you at this point in your life. You need to get stronger, he'll intentionally keep you weak to suit him. But him is all this has ever been about. You think about you Dan
  13. Danny H
    I have only read this post, so I'm judging my comments on what you have said here. Your Boyfriend is acting out classic controlling behavior, I should know I too have acted that way. If he is like me, he could be totally unaware of his actions, and the effect they are having on you. You see we don't realise how crazy the behavior is to others. But it is possible that he can learn as I have, and then slowly he can see the patterns and stop them in their tracks. Depressed people, unhappy people, and many others have our sympathy, I think the controller is just a little child lost in insecurity, but because he comes accross as a tough bully, people hate him. That doesn't mean you have to suffer for his failings, but at least give him the odd chance to try and change. 3 strikes and out I guess Dan
  14. Danny H
    That is a nice image Dako, yes friends can be crucial at a time like this, which is why they mustn't be dropped when we are in relationships. a lesson a lot of us don't adheed to. Dan
  15. Danny H
    I think a lot of us do this, and at the time we mean no harm, but boy does it upset the partner..My wife said she could have forgiven me being unfaithful, but she can't forgive the fact that I took her for granted. Amazing how certain things can be seen from such totally different angles Dan
  16. Danny H
    Good luck mate, hope you get your answers. It sucks that she found you when you were picking yourself up and not when you had completed that process some more. Look after yourself Dan
  17. Danny H
    pilot, I really feel for you. I'm afraid it seems very common for the dumper to list a whole lot of reasons why they are leaving. Some of the reasons seem crazy, but I guess it is because they must have given a load of thought before leaving. In time when the pain has gone a little she will probably see a more balanced view of the relationship.. Good example is my wife. She has told me that for 16 years I ignored her, and that for the 17th I tried too hard and kept her controlled. She said that I kept her from being who she should be. Well I have saved her life once ( very close to death overdose), When I first met her I had to pay off all her outstanding debts, we had 4 kids ( she always wanted kids) We now live in a nice area where the kids all have a chance, But since we met she has had no work, she can't drive and we live in a small village, so she must have felt trapped these last 3 years. But you have to ask yourself " don't we all have a responsibility to ask for what we want?" If we don't ask, we can't really blame our partner if they missed something in all the confusion, that is life- surely. So do your best to work on the things she said ( which ring true in your gut) and ignore the stuff you think is bogus. My wife has pointed out some very gaping flaws in my approach to our marriage- when she said them I knew she was right. But like you there was also some stuff to which it wasn't fair to mention Best Dan
  18. Danny H
    Octopus, I have to ask How long were you together? It's been 8 weeks since I split with wife and the pain is still intense Dan
  19. Danny H
    Yohji, your posts intrigue me, but I can't find your story on the board. will you share with us? Btw nice writing on the first post, says what many of us feel. dan
  20. Danny H
    Frang, You are being very strong by not getting bitter with Boy B, Reading your posts now I can see where you are coming from. Two weeks is a tiny amount of time to go from "I Love you" to being with someone else. Maybe this guy doesn't feel the depth of love the rest of us feel Dan
  21. Danny H
    Jjasonn, man doesn't it just kill you when you ask the question you have to and get the answer you didn't see. You have to do yourself a favour and take that break, myself I am in a similar situation except with four kids I can't get that break. What happens is you become like a pretend partner, you're there for all the stuff they need you for, but you get nothing back, nothing concrete anyway. And I don't mean to sound mean, but when you are in emotional pain is it really fair for you to be the one to be there while she extracts herself cleanly away. You need to heal yourself, and if you hang out with her you will grasp at any scraps thrown your way and give them way too much significance, while she will just be placating her own guilt and hurt. It would be great if two people could do this together, but you are in such different places I don't think 90% of us are strong enough. She wanted to move on, so let her, while you go solo and look after yourself. Staying in touch is a sure way of saying the wrong things Best Dan
  22. Danny H
    well done abbett, your post was very interesting on many levels into the mind of the person who needs time to think. You marked your position in the sand, and now I hope it works for you.
  23. Danny H
    good luck nikkers, stay strong and if you feel that you are flagging remember all the real people on here going through similar, we understand the hurt. Nobody here is alone in this. Dan
  24. Danny H
    Also Thanks Honeyspur, your post appeared while I was typing back to Nova. Yes India is a very mystical, fascinating place. It is the one place I know that each day can be packed with incident ( I have been twice before ). It is also a place where you can lose yourself in the chaos if you want. Best Dan
  25. Danny H
    Thanks Novaseeker. I will follow what you say and do my best to not react to anything ( good or bad) that she does. And I'll think of your words, when something happens- and I'll keep away from all places she posts I do hope India will do me a bit more good than " for a bit" but I suspect you are right. What I need to do out there is try and live like I never ever met my wife, who knows maybe it will feel good, I sure hope so. Although once I took her out there years ago and we had a great time travelling for 8 weeks, I guess I'll have to miss those places Dan
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