byates5637

I see what your all saying and you make alot of sense. I don't want to be 'friendzoned' and i am trying to resist it. I already explained to her 2 weeks ago that a friendship would never work out because as soon as me or her starts seeing someone new we wouldn't be able to see each other anymore. She told me she is not going to see anyone new. I told her that i am looking for someone new and when i find them i don't want them to deal with my ex-girl still being in my life. I know i should take a stand and go strict NC...but it is so hard. I like having her in my life. My ex isn't persuing an intimate relationship with me...but she is still persuing me in other ways. She calls me pretty often. She calls at times that you wouldn't normally call a 'friend'. Late at night when she's drunk. She also calls at normal times of the day and doesn't really have anything to say. She makes up excuses to call me. When we hang out sometimes i catch her staring at me. THen there was the one day when she wouldn't stop touching me. If she didn't want to be with me...why does she still want me in her life so bad? why doesn't she want to find a new man? so confusing...

gottaletitburn - she has only had 1 boyfriend besides me in her life. She dated him for a year before she dated me. She lost her virginity to him. But she basically left him for me. She left him because she had feelings for me almost the whole time they were together. So i am her 2nd boyfriend, but the only one she ever loved. She still is not looking for a new man. She told me it will probly be a year or so before she even would want to start dating new people..... Why do you ask? blender - I think your advice is dead on. I was going to call her today to find out why she called me so late last night...but after i read your post i realized i shouldn't. I'm not going to call her at all for a while. But i do still plan on answering her calls for now at least. bobo - I already did NC for 3 weeks after the breakup. I still am not over her - but i am doing ALOT better now. I am not as miserable as before. I am starting to enjoy life without her and looking forawrd to meeting new women. My problem is not that i call her to much or try to persue her....my problem is that she is persuing me. She calls all the time, basically acts like i am her boyfriend sometimes...but then as soon as i try to act that way to her she always makes it clear that she just wants to be friends. thanks for the advice everyone.

so you are looking for some gudd ways to flirt? Well for starters, don't write him any notes or letters.

You are absolutly right. However, i don't think it is necessary right now. I think depending on how the next couple weeks go, if i get hurt at all, then it may be nesessary

yea maybe i did contradict myself, but in a way both of those statements i made are true. I said i feel alot of resentment towards her. Feeling resentment is much MUCH easier to deal with then feeling the agonizing pain i first felt when we broke up. I don't think we should hang out because i worry i am going to snap at her again. But i don't want her totally out of my life because we have been friends for about 5 years before we dated for 3. It is a tough situation. I think what i really need to do is start dating other people. I know of a few girls that are interested, i just havn't been able to pull myself together enough to try yet. Maybe i will call them today.

Hey silver manic.. good timing. I have smoked for 8 years and am making my first(hopefully last) attempt at quitting right now. I became a pretty heavy smoker in the last year, about 1.5 packs a day. sometimes on drinking nights i would even smoke 2 packs. Well i came down with bronchitis and i kept smoking and it just got worse. So i had a late night epiphany and realized that now is THE time to quit. I have not had a smoke since tuesday night. I have been wearing the patch and i think it does help. I still want to smoke alot though...but i just keep fighting it. It is amazing how after a few days of not smoking you can smell smoke again all of a sudden. When i got into my best-friends car the other day the first think i thought was "wow, so this is what a smokers car smells like" And to think i have never smelled that before in the hundred of times i got into his car. People must think i stink Last night i faced my biggest challenge. I hung out with a bunch of smoking friends and got drunk. Somehow i made it the whole night with only taking 1 single drag off a cig. Yea i know 0 drags would be better, but i'm still very proud about it. good luck!

my ex ended our 3 year relationship about 6 weeks ago. We have broke up a few times before and then gotten back together. I am her first love and she is my second...so it is pretty hard for us to let go. Anyway, when she dumped me i played it cool, told her i unserstand, and did NC immediately for the next 3 weeks. Then she started calling alot so i thought maybe she wanted to get back together, so i agreed to hang out with her. Well based on that night we hung out she made it pretty clear that all she wanted was to be 'friends' with me, which hurt alot. So after this we kept spending time together a few times a week, talking every other day. Then last weekend she came over and was a major flirt. She kept trying to wrestle me, touch me, massage me. It was great. But then two days later we hung out and she was back to the whole "i just want to be friends attitude". She asked me if i wanted to hang out the next day after she got out of class and i said ok. When the time for us to hang out came around she called me and said she couldn't because she had to go help her friend move. Her excuse was true and complelty reasonable, but for some reason it made me very angry and i took it out on her over the phone. After that day i realized i had a ton of built up resentment towards her and i could not handle seeing her anymore. So we dont talk for a few days. She called 3 times on thursday, i ignored it. She called the next day and i answered, i explained how i felt alot of resentment towards her and didn't think we should talk anymore. She then asked me to go to this film festival with her. I said maybe. So then she calls me back an hour later to tell me something very trivial and pointless and i told her just that. Then she called me at 1 in the morning last night and i didn't answer, but i ended up trying to call her back and she didn't asnwer. I still havn't heard back from her so it must of not been important. So if this girl really doesn't want to be with me anymore, why the hell is she trying so hard to be a big part of my life? If she is just trying to use me to build her ego, that stopped last week. I'm done being nice to her. I don't want to come right out and tell her to never contact me again, because i would like to keep the doors open just incase we were to ever get back together. Oh and by the way, for all of you who think it is impossible, i have been healing and moving on without doing NC. Every day that goes by i am seeing our relationship more for what it really was and less as the fantasy i had in my head the couple weeks after she left me.

Ahhhh! She never came over yesterday because she was going volunteer work, but she did still call in the afternoon. We talked about out plans for the night, we were each going out to different bars. So I'm out with my friends, having a good time, and around 1:00AM i look at my phone and saw i missed a call from her at 12:30. So i call back and there is no answer. I forgot about it, continued on with my night. Then when i was at home around 3:00 AM i got a call from her again. She was so drunk and just saying the most confusing things. She kept telling me she was at different places. First she was with her girlfriends from work, then she was in georgia (1000 miles away), then she told me she "thinks she in outside of her house" then finnally she said she was in her house. She rambled on and i listened for about a half hour. She made no sense, it was like talking to someone with schizophrenia. A generally unpleasent conversation. So anyway, she calls me 4 hours later at 8:00 in the morning, wakes me up, apologizes for last night and said she didn't remember any of it. She told me that she called me in her sleep and she was dreaming when she was takling to me. Pretty weird situation, but i do believe her. So then we got off the phone and went back to sleep, and she called me again at 11 and woke me up again~! Anyway, i answered, she apologized again, and then asked if i wanted to hang out. I said yes. She came over and we had the house to ourselves for the day. We went out to the grocery store, got food, and cooked breakfast together. We were getting along really good. Everything was pretty friendly until after breakfast. After breakfast she started trying to wrestle me. She would not leave me alone for the rest of the afternoon. She just kept touching me, but always in this weird psuedo-friend type of way. Then she started asking for a massage. I kept refusing and she started begging. I eventually told her that i would do it if she gave me one after. So we did. It was great....closest i have been to her since the breakup last month. She kept wrestling me after this. Basically she would keep doing stuff like pinching me or whatever until it got to the point where i had to restrain her and hold her close to me to make her stop. Then she would give up for a few minutes but we would stay in these cuddly type positions for a few minutes. Then she would move to the other side of the couch and start trying to annoy/touch me again. She just left. I have no idea when we will see each other again, we didn't bring it up. I really hope that i will get a call from her sooner then later. Yea i know it sounds like my ex is very immature, and she can be, but you have to know her. I think she mostly means well. The weirdest thing about all the wrestling is that it is exactly how our relationship escalated from friendship to dating 3 years ago. She is acting the same way she did then. Before she left we had a talk where she said it is really good being friends with me. I told her that i didn't think it would be good for us too continue our friendship much longer. I told her that "yea everything might be good now, but as soon as one of us starts dating someone new we won't be able to be friends anymore." She told me that she is not looking for anyone and she probly isn't going to start dating for a long time. She said she has to figure out alot about herself first. I really doubt anyone is still even reading this thread. If you are, awesome! please offer some advice . If no one at all is reading this, then at least it is still kind of like an online journal of my feelings.

Yea your not exactly helping the sanctity of marriage either. Why don't you forget about his girl and give your wife the respect that you promised her when you married her.

Hey, i know how you feel about those dreams. I dream of my ex still almost every night. It makes me feel terrible. They will stop with time i think. I hope. It has only been one month for me. Consider yourself lucky that your ex doesn't call you when he is out drinking. My ex called me last night crazy drunk, I mean i was drunk too, but not even close to as drunk as her. She just mumbled crazy stuff too me for 30 minutes and made me worry about her like crazy. She wouldn't tell me where she was which made me very worried, and then it turned out she was at her house. So i tell her "I love you, bye" and she just says "bye". what a bitc*. Then she called twice this morning to try and apologize and ask to "hang out." Believe me, your much better off just not talking to him at all.

When i was a stupid teenager in love i had unprotected sex with my ex- girl for about 1.5 years on a pretty regular basis. I thought i was invincible because she never got pregnant. But then she finally did and it was a mess. My point - keep trying and it might still work out.

I did talk to her. She wasn't ignoring my calls. We had a really great 15 minute conversation. I feel like we are getting along great right now. I was the one to end the phone call. After i said i was going to get off the phone she said "wait, what are you doing this weekend?" And then she quickly retracted her question and said "Nevermind, i have plans to go out with my sister tomorow and my female friend the next night." I told her that i have plans this weekend too and asked her if she wanted to get together tomorow afternoon for a little while. She said "maybe, I was planning on doing volunteer work (which she does several days a week), but i'll call you in the morning." Hopefully she comes over tomorow. I think she will, but i might be wrong. I know this girl still cares about me deeply. I just hope that it is in the romantic way. I guess only time will tell.

Hey man, i have a similar problem and i did when i was your age too. Sometimes i could get it up, sometimes i couldn't. It was like a 50/50 shot. I am pretty sure it was due to psychological reasons. I ended up getting on viagra and it has made my sex life wonderful(when i have one, no sex life at this moment ). So don't feel too ashamed, i'm sure alot of guys have this problem. If your problem continues for a while you might want to consider viagra, but it is way to early for you to try that now. You might of just had an unlucky two days.

hey ocrob - sorry to here about your situation. does sound similar to mine. When you were hanging out with your ex as friends, how long did that last for before she started seeing someone? I know it is going to kill me if she starts seeing someone, but right now i am pretty confident she is not looking. Did you still tell your ex you loved her and wanted her back while you guys were "friends"? or did you keep all your feelings to yourself? Last weekend i told my ex i wanted to get back together. I don't plan on bringing this up again, it is all in her hands now. I just want to show her a good time and remind her of the reasons she fell in love with me in the first place. Me and my ex split up over the summer and she acted pretty much the same way she is now. She just wanted to be "friends" for about a month but then she realized she still loved me and told me she wanted to try again. So i am hoping it goes that way again, but my chances are not really looking so good right now. It is 9:00 PM. If she was working today she should be home by now, but she still has not called me back If she is ignoring me i will take that as a reason to get back on NC. I'm still hoping she calls tonight though.

Well it has been slightly over a month since my ex left me. I did NC for 3 weeks and then she started calling alot. We hung out on friday saturday and sunday. She slept over friday night. But we kept it all strictly as friends (except a little cuddling friday night, but we were drunk so i know it doesn't mean anything) Sunday we went out and took pictures for her photo class. I showed her some of my favorite spots. We had a real good time, and as she was leaving she told me "I had a really good time today" She still does not want to get back together with me though So we havn't talked since sunday. She tried calling yesterday and i didn't pick up, I don't want to seem too available to her. I tried calling back twice this afternoon and she didn't pick up. I'm pretty sure she is busy at work and not ignoring my calls. If she is at work she will get home at 9 and hopefully she calls me back. So i am really hurting alot lately. I find that in the mornings and afternoons i am generally pretty upset about this. I think about it ALOT. But by the evening i always feel better and see the breakup as her giving me the freedom to meet someone new. Only problem is i am not really attracted to ANY girls. I keep finding flaws in every girl i talk too. I know i need to not be so picky, but right now i still just can't see myself with anyone besides my ex. I know many of you will say i need to go back to NC, but i just don't want to do that right now. As long as she is not seeing anyone and has no interest in any guys (she doesn't), i feel like i still want to keep her in my life just in case she changes her mind. I will go back to NC when i'm ready, i'm just not right now. If she start's seeing anyone i will take that as a clear sign that i need to do NC. So im really hoping she calls me back tonight and she was not ignoring my calls. I'm trying to move on while keeping low contact, and it is hard. very hard. I know why so many of you suggest NC. I'm just not ready yet. I just needed to vent. feel free to offer any advice.

I asked my ex the same thing. a month after we broke up she started calling and we spent 2 days together. I asked her at the end of the second day and she said "probably not" It hurts so much. I almost wish she could of just said "no" because the "probably" gives me a tiny shred of hope to hold onto.

I know the feeling. My and my ex split up a month ago. I did some NC for a few weeks but now we are back in contact. I don't think she is seeing anyone else, but i know she will sometime and the thought of it kills me. Last night i had a dream that i saw her with my friend naked in my hallway sharing a towel. I know this situation would never happen, but it still hurts me so bad. All morning i have been upset about it. Havn't talked to her since sunday. Yesterday she tried calling and i didn't pick up. I think i will return the call this afternoon. Yea NC does help you heal faster but i still want my ex in my life. I feel like low contact will increase the chances of reconciliation. So maybe one more call to your ex wouldn't be such a terrible idea. Do what you feel is right. best luck -brandon

keenan, i can only wish that there girls around my area who think like you. I know there may be some, but they are like a needle in a haystack. I'm pretty drunk right now, and after talking to severaL girls at the bar i feel like i may never meet anyone on my level. It is kind of depressing...

unfortunately, i am the type of person that learns best from my own mistakes. I have a hard time following others advice without trying my own thing first.

One thing i think i should add. My ideas are not intended to save a 4 month old relationship. My ideas are to save a long term relationship. I'm talking at least 1.5 years or longer. If your ex was for a long period of time completely and madly in love with you, and you really feel that all of those emotions cannot be totally gone, then my ideas are for you. Any relationship that never had this basis in passionate love and trust to begin with, then there is nothing to save.

The problem is i am having alot of trouble giving up hope that we will get back together. We have broken up before and gotten back together, so i keep thinking "what makes this time different?" When i come here i keep finding myself going to the "getting back together" section. I read through everyones posts and get hope. I formulate "plans" for getting back together. I know this is an unhealthy thing to do. I don't really plan on leaving enotalone forever. But when the day comes, and i think it is coming soon, when i no longer can stand thinking about my ex, i think i should leave here for at least a month or two so i stop thinking about "getting back together"

I know there is no one plan to get your ex back. But the reality is many couples do get back together for another try. I have seen it happen many times in my own relationships and my friends relationships. Some people cannot give up and move on from there ex without trying to get them back for a while. We see these types of people at enotalone all the time. By trying to get them back you will either suceed and it will be good, or you will hurt yourself for a little while longer, but in the long run you will gain the closure that you needed to let it rest and move on. My "plan" is for the people that have not yet gotten closure and cannot give up hope. Often times these people act on emotions and do things like call 10 times a day, show up at thier house crying, etc. My plan is meant to minimize the damage. If you take what i said as guidlines of how to act you will keep your most of your dignity and not do anything else to push them further away. And note the key point in my "plan." You have to realize if it just isn't working and give up. My "plan" will let you really see if your ex still has buried feelings for you or not.

screechytires- I know you cannot force someone to love you. But after a breakup your ex may only remember all the bad things that happened during the breakup. The ex will most likely focus on the reasons they left you as to help themselves move on, instead of thinking about the reasons they fell in love with you in the first place. I feel that if you can remind your ex that you still are the person they fell in love with and not the crying wreck that they dumped, you may reawaken there feelings for you. It worked for me...

iwantherback - sorry to tell you what you already know. If she said she doesn't ever want to talk to you again you really should just back off and try to move on. Maybe contact her in a month or two to see if she changed her mind, but don't count on it.

What i wrote below i wrote from a man's perspective trying to get his ex girl back. I don't know if it would work for a girl trying to get her man back or not. Let me first say, yes i did get my ex back after a 3 month breakup, even when it seemed totally hopeless. Everything was good for a while, but 6 months down the road she left me again. You may be best cutting your losses now instead of risking getting hurt a second time. But if you insist on trying i will offer some advice. First, if she is in a new relationship with a man that is filling all of her needs, it is best for you to back off and move on. If not, then maybe you have a chance. There may be hope for you and her, and there might not be. If you are willing to take the risk, you have to be ready for the long haul. It is going to take alot of work on your part, so don't expect anything immediately. First i suggest a short NC period. At least two more weeks with NC, preferebly try to do a few weeks or even a couple months. Don't contact her and dont allow her to contact you. You want to give the illusion that you are moving on. Allow her to see what life is like without your constant emotional support for her. Don't worry, she won't forget about you. During your NC work on yourself. Try to do alot of interesting, exciting things, so when you do talk to her again you have fun stories to tell her. Start working out if you don't already. During this NC you HAVE to get your feelings and emotions under control. You have to be ready to accept that she may not come back, and that life will go on without her. When you are ready to start communication again, it is really best if you wait for her to contact you. But if you can't wait, that is understandable too. Talk to her on the phone like you would of when you first started dating her. Keep it light, friendly and upbeat. Do not let the conversation last too long, and try to be the one to end it. It is VERY important that when you start talking again you do NOT bring up any past relationship issues or talk about any type of future you two may have together. From this point on you do NOT want her to think that you want to get back together. You want to keep her wondering. Keep your emotions and feelings to yourself. Try to wait for her to ask you to do something together. If you can't wait, then go ahead and ask her. I can't stress enough to not go drinking with her. It is nearly impossible to keep your emotions under wrap when you are drinking and it will probly screw everything up. I learned this the hard way. Try to do something with her that you have never done together before. Something friends would do together. Going out for a walk in the park would be a good thing to try. Keep your first "hang out" short and friendly. It is very important that she has fun and does not have to deal with relationship issues. You want her mind to associate you with a good time, not stress. After this do not contact her for several days again. Try and always wait for her to contact you, and don't be too available. If she calls and asks you to get together again(good sign), tell her you are busy and suggest another day when you will get together. Let this go on for a few weeks and make sure you two always have a good time. Do not talk about the relationship. Try to only contact her once a week, twice at most, and let her do the rest of the contacting. Above all, don't contact her more then she contacts you. You have to stay alert to the signals she sends. If after a few weeks she is obviously still not into you, disappear. Move on. get over it. But if you are getting good signals, then keep at it! Eventualy start doing more "romantic" type things with her, like watching the sunset. But still keep it light, easy going, and friendly. Eventually you may reach a point where you feel she is totally into you. Then you ask her about her feelings towards you in a totally non-threatining way. Say something like "i feel like we have been connecting really good lately, what do you think?" Really listen to what she says, and whatever it is, take it as a man. Respect her feelings. Don't pressure and don't beg. While doing all this it is very important for you to realize and admit if it just isn't working. Don't keep trying for something that is hopeless.