byates5637

andrew.....that was beutifal. Reading through that i felt like i have known you for my entire life. I felt like your words and sentences and feelings and pain were my words and sentences and feelings and pain. I am with you, and I know you are with me. I know we will come out on top of this. I know we will find happiness again one day, happiness within ourselves, and happiness in a new woman. I only fear how long we will have to crawl through this hell before we get there.

I don't really feel like a dormat at all, i do stick up for myself. Anyway, I spent all of last night with her, we went bowling and then back to her house to go swimming. She cooked me dinner, and then i went home. Then we spent all of today together...we went to the park and played frisbee, laid in the grass and talked , then went to a carnival together. Then we couldn't think of anything else to do so she dropped me off at home. I couldn't take this whole friends bull * * * * anymore so i told her we needed to have a talk. She tells me all this stuff like she loves me and cares about me more then anyone else outside of her family...she wants to be my friend but if i can't handle it then she understands that too...blah blah blah. She tells me her feelings for me just are not the same and she only see's me as a friend. So i tell her i can't handle it and i choke back tears and i tell her "I love you, i hope you have a good life, bye" she tells me the same thing while she chokes back tears. So i guess this chapter has come to a close, and now that i have sufficiently hurt myself and destroyed the 4 months worth of progress i have made with NC/LC...i can try to pick up the pieces of my heart once again. As i sit in my room tonight i feel so alone. So unwanted, so worthless. I feel like a fool. I feel empty inside, and i feel incomplete. I feel like i want to cry, but i can't bring myself too. I feel like i want to die. I wish i never met this girl. I wish i could eat something.

wow...i totally relate. Couldn't of said it better myself. I live for the next fleeting moment of happiness, and it seems like the older i get the further apart the moments get. I'm still living for the same reason as you

Well despite everyone's advice of no contact i cannot do it. I talked to her on the phone for 2 hours today. This is crazy. 4 hours of phone conversations in two days. This is much more then we ever talked even when we were together. She is so freaking sweet to me on the phone. She tells me about how her whole family misses me so much....and she tells me how she really likes talking to me and she's glad we are talking... and we talk about our old relationship and resolve issues that never have been resolved....it seems so good except for the fact that she is sleeping with another guy and doesn't want me back. Well i havn't came right out and asked her if she wants me back...but im sure she would tell me if she did. i wish i could either get her back 100% or get the hell away from her. Things seem like they are going so good right now i don't want to start NC if I have any chance at all of getting her back. Thanks for the input and support everyone....you guys and girls are really great

kellbell- thank you much for your kind words and advice. I do have problems that go back much deeper then this. I think i can trace everything back to my parents divorce 9 years ago. It was very rough on me and since then things have gone downhill. This is the second girl who shattered my heart. I think i felt abandoned by my mother at the age of 14, and since then i have been trying to find a girl to replace her, only to be met with this reapted feeling of abandonment. Meanwhile i have been drinking more and more, smoking more and more, and sinking deeper into depression. But anyway...that would be for a different thread. My ex is moving away in 2 months for school. She keeps telling me that she is going to come home several times a year and come visit me. Not because i ask her too, she just offers this on her own. She also offered to buy me a plane ticket down to her new house so i could come visit her...i turned this offer down.

all advice and words of kindness are appreciated pikey I havn't ate anything today but it is still early, only 9 AM. Maybe i will be able to eat by lunch time. I am worried that i won't be able to discuss things rationally with her. Since we broke up she has been very understanding of my feelings and respectful of my wishes...so i doubt she will get angry with me tonight no matter what i say. I still hold on to this tiny hope that we will get back together. I was her first love and i feel like she is going to date a couple other guys and realize it doesn't compare to being with me. But I still think i will go with her tonight. Hopefully we can spend the first part of the night just having a good time...laughing, loosining up. Then before the nights over i want to bring up this subject and see what she really thinks of this guy. Hopefully she will crush every last ounce of hope i have. I don't think she will though. I also most likely plan on telling her that we are going back into NC. I am not going to tell her NC is because it hurts me too much. I am going to tell her NC is because i don't want to mess up her relationship with this new guy and i want her to be happy. I wish she would just die. Anything to get this feeling of hope out of my mind. Hope is so painful. icemotoboy, i can totally relate to the thread you started. I feel the exact same way. Why can't you sleep? Is it ex-bf related?

I have been going through ALOT of stress and pain lately. I am on day two of cold turkey ciggarette and alcohol withdrawal. My alcohol withdrawal is not too bad....not to the point where i am getting the shakes etc. It just makes me feel a general emptiness and depression. See my thread for full details if interested. Me and my ex split up 4 months ago. We have been doind LC since. Ussually she called me once or twice a month and i call her once or twice a month. We hang out together once or twice a month. I was doing very well on my way to being healed. I have been with a couple other girls, i found one girl that i liked and she REALLY liked me....but she was no replacement for my ex. ANyway....i was feeling alot better. Yesterday I was feeling very down for unrelated reasons and i decided to give my ex a call. We talked for about an hour in the afternoon, and then another 2 hours later that night. Our conversations are still great...it is so easy for us to talk to each other. I can't talk to anyone else on the phone for more then 5 mintues. She asked me if i wanted to go bowling with her tomorow and i agreed. Somewhere in the conversation i started noticing that she kept referring to her "friend" that she was hanging out with. I was curious so like an idiot i started to pry in. She didn't want to talk about it but eventually opened up. This "friend" is a guy she has been sleeping with for the past month. She denies that they are dating and she says they never will because she is moving away in 2 months. I wanted to know what the good and bad things were about this guy to see what made him better then me....so i asked. She started telling me all these bad things about him. She says he's not very smart, he's a nice guy (read: spineless pushover), he watches alot of TV, he doesn't goto school, he talks too much.....blah blah blah. So i finnaly just came out and asked her "What does this guy have that i don't?" Her reply really surprised me. She said......"Nothing at all" She goes on to tell me how I really am a close to perfect guy....but our relationship just didn't work out. Well ok....that made me feel better....but also made me confused. So we talk for another hour and she says she has to go, i ask why and i find out she is going over to new guys house. I said "I thought you were not very serious with him, why go over his house?" She replies "There is nothing better to do and i am bored." Ok...so either she is lieing to me because she doesn't want me to walk out of her life, or she is just using this guy to make herself feel better. I tend too think it is the latter, but either way is not good. Of course once again i am hurt like crazy. I feel like complete crap today. I cannot stop thinking of how some other guy is holding my girl! I am going to go bowling with her tonight and get a better read on the situation. I most likely will be going the NC route after this. I just can't help but feel this girl still has buried feelings for me. The way she talks to me...it seems like she still cares SOOO much. Maybe she is just a nice person...i dunno. At least this is the worst thing that could happen. This should be my final setback in my healing process. After i move on from this thier should not be much more that can affect me. But damn it is hurting right now. I can't eat again....

My doctor would hold my balls and tell me turn my head to the side and cough. I dont know about females, but it would make sense that they do some kind of check up of the private area.

I completely agree with this. Great observation. I have found myself close to suicide several times. To the point where i couldn't go on a roof with my friends because i felt a strong urge to jump off of it and wasn't sure if i could trust myself not too. But i have never actually gone through with it. I think the people that have gone through with it must be suffering on a whole nother level then me.

Damnit i knew i shouldn't have said "god is dead"!

you're correct

God is dead.

ok...i kind of hoped you would tell me your own thoughts instead of giving me a bunch of semi-relevant quotes

So who do you think defined good and evil? Was it god? Is it you? Is it someone else? If god defined good and evil, then he obviously created evil as well, so wouldn't that make him evil?

good and evil are only what you think they are. There is no one correct definition of good and evil.

lol antilove.... i guess sometimes when you think about things too deeply it can make everything seem depressing. A simple answer like "it is stupid" can be very comforting in a bad time

no offense or anything, but "stupid" is not a very deep or descriptive word. When i said think about it, i was trying to avoid the simple responses such as "it is stupid" I explained in my original post the reason i will not kill myself anytime soon. It has nothing to do with suicide being stupid. -------------------------------------------- This is referring to other posts, not antilove's: Do any of you really understand what ceasing to exist means? No, and i don't myself. But it would make sense that if you no longer exist you would not 1. feel guilt for the people you left behind hurting, 2. miss out on the wonderfulness of life, or 3 Be entering somewhere worse then this current world. None of those arguments really make sense to me. Once we are dead we will not be able to care about anything. We will also not be able to care about not being able to care.

I would love to get up and leave....but right now i am half way done my B.S. in engineering. To leave now would be stupid. I feel like i need to finish this damn degree before i do anything else in my life. I am a highschool dropout....so graduating college is a very important thing to my parents and to myself(I think).

Annie, if i could change my life, i would in a second. I try to change my life once a week and fail again and again. here is my most recent thread to get an idea of what i mean. Your advice is very solid and true... but many people just cannot do it...

I have had suicidal thoughts for the past 7 years of my life. I think they have grown stronger over the years. I feel very disappointed in myself and in the life i have created. However, I am not going to kill myself because I simply don't have the willpower to go through with it. I may die from cig's and alcohol however, which in my mind might as well be ruled a suicide. So this thread is not about me killing myself. It is not about all you people making me feel better(which you're very good at by the way). It is not about the reasons I should stay alive. This thread is about why anyone at all should stay alive. Why should we stay alive? Take a minute and really think about it. Most answers you come up with could easily be proved a fallacy. For all you athiets/ agnostics (myself included), why stay alive? If we believe that death is merely the end of our existence and soul, then why avoid it? We are going to get there sooner or later, so if thing are not going good for us, why not just skip out on the rest of life? You may reply, "well then you will miss all the great things that will happen to you in the meantime." If i don't exist i won't be able to miss anything...so who cares. For all christians: Why not kill yourself? Your answer is most likely because god gave you this life and if you misuse it you are going to hell. My reply would be, if you already consider killing yourself, then you are already a sinner. If you are a sinner then you are damned to hell anyway. But jesus claims that he will forgive anyone if the repent thier sins. So why not, kill youself by swallowing a bunch of pills. Before the pills take effect, repent to god to be saved. This way you will be fine. Next point: If god is the type of guy who will sentence you to burn in eternal fire because you didn't follow his every command, is this really the type of guy you want to spend eternity with? didn't think so. So really, why not kill yourself? Even if you are totally happy with life, killing yourself now will ensure you will never be sad again.\ \ so what do u think?

im 8"2 with an 82 centimeter schwang. I get about 41 laides per year. I would say that schwang size is directly proportional to height and proportional to ladies per year by a factor of .5

sounds good to me. go for it

i already know some basic c/c++. I always wanted to write some cool programs but my skills are pretty limited. maybe i will start learning more stuff though. Thanks, Good idea know any good websites to learn programming or projects i could contribute too?

I am a tutor at my college. Everyday i come into school and report to this big room filled with tables. I take a seat at a table and pull out my laptop. Then i wait. I wait for people to come in and request tutoring. Most days no one comes in. Usually on a 6 hour shift i do about 20-30 minutes of tutoring. Today i did 15 minutes of work. I don't understand how some places people are starving and can't afford a bowl of rice, but where i live people will pay me decent wages to simply sit in a chair all day. Does anyone else here have a similar job situation? What can i do to keep my sanity? How should i entertain myself all day long?

there is a poetry forum.