ArcadianX

Okay, since you asked, I'm going to be much more practical than Metallica and focus on the most likely scenario that I see. From his perspective, this relationship can only really be a mentor-student thing. You aren't nearly old enough to properly be friends with someone who is that far beyond the college years. He's past high school, college, the awkward early-working years, or alternatively any grad school time he did, and all the way into early middle age. Those experiences mean a lot, and the only thing he can really do for you is mentor you, because the things that go on in your individual lives are completely alien to one another. He only has the advantage that he's been 15 more often than you've been 28. Can he even be a mentor to you? Probably not. It's not a relationship that does well these days unless it's institutionalized (teachers, counselors, Big Brother/Big Sister, etc.). In that case the people involved have training on how to handle things, and they're automatically given a level of trust that society is not going to grant to a 28-year-old man befriending a 15-year-old girl. All of this has already gone through his head, because he's got 13 years of experience on you. His friend just needed to remind him of all the bad news that can come down on him from trying to pursue this in any form.

It's superficial, I know, but I'd really rather not be the person in the relationship that is looking up during that romantic kiss. Being shorter than your girlfriend just ruins that whole protective vibe for me.

Well, what I eventually did today was to call her just to let her know about the new cellphone number - and to tell her to call me if she wanted to hang out some time. Who knows what'll happen.

I went too far in trying to get a relationship going with a friend of mine. I was stupid and couldn't accept it so kept on being pushy about it as though that would help - it seemed like not such a bad thing because of complications, but in the end she said it was just me, that I wasn't right for her. She also told me to do whatever I had to do to get over her. I've taken a few lessons from this for the future, but now I'm having a tough time figuring out what to do. We had a discussion on Monday about all of this and before we parted we said that we'd hang out during the day on Friday, because she was off, and that she'd call me about it during the week to arrange something. She never called, and apparently made a different plan for Friday morning at some point. We IM'd Friday night and I asked her why she didn't call, and whether she'd even wanted to hang out in the first place. She said that she had wanted to spend the time and was sorry; that she'd basically screwed up and gotten lazy about arranging it. Neither of us suggested a future time to spend together. The thing that confused me is that, during the afternoon, she called a college club that we both hang out in looking for me. I wasn't there, so of course she didn't find me, and I didn't have a cellphone (just got one yesterday). She wouldn't have called my house, either, since I leave AIM set to away all day when I'm out. If there was anyplace she'd be able to call to find me, that would have been the place, and she did. Without that one call, I'd say, okay, fine, she's blowing me off and it's going to take me four or five months just to get into her good graces again, if I even want to try. A friend of mine, though, suggested that she might have expected me to call all that time (which I had before), been disappointed when I didn't, then tried to find me after the fact - that, in fact, maybe she felt something now that there was a threat of losing me. We almost always had fun together and really trusted each other a lot. I'd like to be her friend again, but if she does have feelings for me now that she might lose me entirely, then I don't want to discourage that either. What should I do?

Er, that's eight years, not six. What's more, it's a gap that stretches all the way from the middle of high school to several years beyond college, which is really big. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it seems very wide. Legally, the teacher/student thing is probably going to be a problem. He can get into extremely deep trouble for it and teachers are often known to lose their jobs over it. There's almost certainly an extremely strict rule against exactly what he's doing. It's possible that it will be different when you're 18, and of course once you've graduated you can do anything you want, but you'd need to find out exactly how the rules are written for your school system.

It helps to know what finger the ring was on.

I met my best friend in my freshman year of college. I was really badly socially adjusted but I was able to find my own group of friends and he's the one that stuck the most, so now, ten years later, I'm still friends with him and talk to him on a weekly basis. I'm not sure why he's the one that stuck, but it could be because we generally shared the same basic problems and had a high level of trust. Another friend of mine I considered a very close friend for many years, but ultimately I realized that we were never actually close - it was sort of like having a hangout buddy for nine years, we did a lot of surface talk but no deep connection ever formed. I was unhappy with our friendship, and while I wanted to talk about it, he outright refused several times. So I distanced myself until nothing was left. It turned out to be a mistake in the end, not because of losing him but because of losing the people I knew through him that I hadn't quite permanently connected to. But we never understand these things at the time, do we?

Maybe you should consider getting some information first instead of trivializing her problem out of existence. If it isn't too personal, what's the diagnosis? I honestly have trouble imagining a behavioral problem that will get better for your son simply because he's in foster care, but then I can understand your need to have a solution to the soul-destroying stress that he is bringing into your life.

You're mooning over a guy who you're never going to see again four months from now. My sincere advice is to tell him that you're taken, keep far far away from him whenever possible, and focus your energy and emotions on your boyfriend. That isn't exactly easy, but it's probably the right thing to do. Once you've emotionally disentangled yourself, then maybe you can focus on figuring out whether something's missing from your current relationship, and deciding what to do about that without the complications of a love triangle getting in the way.

You're twenty-one. Hell, I just happily celebrated a birthday and I'm 26! Don't worry about the aging thing. One, you're way too young to start missing your youth. You should make the next five years the best ones of your lives. Two, a wise friend of mine told me that young is always ten years older than you are. (I really love that quote, I keep repeating it.) So stop worrying about getting older. All it's doing is taking away from your energy to do something useful now.

From your previous post, I see what you mean when you say that you were lovers but not friends. And the situation is only complicated by the fact that she's leaving in four weeks. What I think you're really asking here is "Can I keep up the minimal level of contact that will make me feel better for not completely ditching her, even though she's hurting and wants to get back together?". I think in this case the answer is no. You aren't even friends now, you personally feel that there's no basis for being friends, you probably already feel like you've tried your best to change that, and you're personally opposed to having a long-distance relationship between Europe and Canada. I don't see anything positive coming out of trying to be friends with her. If you really want to avoid hurting her, spend the next month figuring out what you want out of your relationships so that you can avoid getting into obvious traps like going out with someone from Europe even though you don't want a long-distance relationship, or going out with someone where the only interest that's there is the initial rush of infatuation.

Stop thinking that way. Stop it! Now! Right now! It's very simple. Go ask her out tomorrow. Tomorrow. Don't worry about whether she'll say yes, although it sounds like she probably will. Don't worry about whether she'll say no. The truth is, these are both positive outcomes, because then you'll be able to either show her a wonderful time or get over her. The longer you keep putting it off the worse it'll get. Do it as soon as humanly possible. Don't put it off at all. Make it the first thing you say to her, the first time you see her after this. Oh, and stay calm too.

Yeah, exactly. At that point it was obvious what the answer was, so you should have just acted like the answer was "yes".

If he's never had a relationship and he isn't making a move then maybe he's just shy. Go ask him out.

I take it that they specifically don't let you have a job? Or is it just that they won't let you drive and nothing is in range of the house? Did they refuse to let you go to college, or did you get a degree and aren't using it? Your parents sound extremely overprotective, which itself is a bad thing, no matter how you might see it right now. What they are neglecting is your development. They should be encouraging you to get a car, get a job, go do your own shopping, get out of the house, get an apartment, move out on your own, go to college if you haven't already, improve yourself, get some friends and hobbies. Instead it sounds like they're not merely discouraging these things, but trying to force them to never happen. I think the very first thing you need to get out of your head is this constant excuse-making: "My parents are not bad people." You said that twice, but that doesn't make me believe it. In fact your parents are doing something very bad to you and probably don't even understand it.

If the women you meet are claiming that you're no fun because you don't have an addiction, then you need to radically change the pool of women that you are meeting. You might need to spend less time with your lush friends going to dance clubs where everyone drinks and smokes.

I'm working on this now and it's going pretty well. What you need for the first few weeks is determination, and lots of it. During those couple of weeks you need to improve your habits and then stick with the improvements. After the first couple of weeks, the healthy eating pattern will start to stick to your brain a little, which makes it easier. Basically the same thing applies to exercise. At first you have to force yourself to do it, but if you find something fun to do and then keep going at it, it'll eventually become enough of a habit where you won't mind doing it any more.

As a guy I find it very strange to imagine pursuing someone for a year just to have sex with them - let alone four years. If I had a quiet flame going for one girl for four years, then I'd be baffled by the girl having any belief that I was looking for sex instead of love. It would almost be an insult.

If the only thing you're getting out of this is getting the chance to wish for a kiss from her, then you're being used. Completely, utterly being used. I don't know how you could think that you're going to get something in return here. You're giving her everything she wants and getting nothing in return. Why should she change what she's doing?

Hmm...random suggestion. It sounds like this guy said that you played him to his friends, and then it got back to you. Maybe you should ask him directly?

This is only a minor suggestion, I know, but you should really learn to drive. About the only people that successfully get away with not driving are people who live in large cities that are covered in public transportation.

I've never bought into the idea that "it's there or it's not", but so many people insist on treating it that way that it's hard to get good ideas on how to change it. There are actually a few articles on the site about this. Ideas I've heard, but can't vouch for: Do exciting things together, because they tend to heighten the biological sensation of emotion. Give her a really exceptional kiss - usually this involves getting permission. The biochemistry involved helps to produce attraction and interest. Change her perception of you by visibly finding someone else to be romantic with. If she sees you showering romance on someone else, then she'll get ideas of her own. Pull back from her so that she is put in a position to pursue you in order to get the positive effects she got from the friendship before. I personally think that the dynamics of the relationship need to change on a fundamental level before someone changes their mind about the friend/SO decision; a stable situation simply won't change. But it seems like most people don't want to rock the boat nearly hard enough to get the results that they want. I leave the moral questions involved to other people.

Same for me. I was clearly depressed for a few years, but didn't realize it because I felt nothing rather than feeling sorrow. When someone finally broke through two months ago, I realized that I couldn't continue like that. Unfortunately I'd lost most of my ability to cope with strong emotions in the first place, so it's been a bit of a bumpy ride, but I'd never go back into the dark. When I was depressed, I basically didn't want anything. I just wanted to sit in the dark, alone, and make sure I never exposed myself to hurt, never risked my feelings, never let anyone hurt me. In the end I hurt myself far more than anyone else ever could have. It took a year of my life, one that I'll never get back. Another thing I felt in the darkness was the sense of being trapped. The sense that my life was going nowhere. The sense that it would be years, if ever, before I was going to be able to advance in even the smallest way. The sense that I was out of options. I tend to draw my strength from other people because I'm insecure - but, being in near-total isolation, I had nowhere to draw any strength from. I had no courage left to face anything, and so I didn't even try, but just stuck to the same routine. I got lucky - someone who I had known for years, who I had loved without even realizing it, popped back into my life out of nowhere and gave me something to fight for again. I can't think of anyone else who could have gotten me to come out. Unfortunately that isn't working out as easily as I'd hoped, but at least it got me out of the hole and in human company again. It doesn't apply very well to your situation though.

I'm just going to ask her out. I'll see her during the day on Monday - I'll give her lots of attention and physical contact, see how she responds, and then ask her out on a date. My best odds are catching her at a really warm moment, I think, so that's what I'll try to do. If she turns me down then, then I'm just going to focus on being her friend and finding somebody else. I'll still try to respond to any signals she puts out, but I've spent more time and energy on this than is strictly healthy.

Anybody else have any thoughts?