nikki19

Raineysong, I totally agree with you. In a healthy relationship that has become conflicted because of porn, then it IS because of porn. The lying and sneaking are big issues to, and they all need to be addressed. The lame idea that any woman who is disagreeable to the idea of her significant other using porn being insecure is ridiculous. Who made up this rule that women should be supportive of her man pursueing the sexual pleasures of other women? I've read some pretty startling comments on this subject. Many times women posters will get beaten down (often by other women), being told THEY need to lighten up, or that they should be happy it's just porn and not an affair. Huh? That's like saying you should be happy that someone cut off your finger when it could have been your whole arm. I'm sorry but your relationship is in some serious trouble if you have to count your blessing that you're not being cheated on. One thing I do know for sure is that No Woman is "thrilled" about her man and porn. Some women will accept it, some will tolerate it, some will tolerate it with resentment, and still others will not tolerate it at all. Bottom line is, if it's hurting your honey, it needs to stop.

Hi Erin. I'm so sry you're going through this. After reading throught the text message I immediately surmised that your bf HAS cheated on you by allowing this other woman to perform oral sex on him. That was the impression I got. She probably is unattractive, has low self esteem, is looking for love, and aiming to please, and he took full advantage of that. I know this is not what you want to hear but it's plain as day. Listen to what everyone is saying please, because they are right. Of course your bf is going to deny cheating on you, that's what cheaters do! Please don't fall for his bs. Get some self respect and stand up for yourself. You deserve better and deep down you know it. Good luck hun ((hugs))

My best friend and her husband were in your shoes. Her husband travelled for work and the most he would be home was 3 Saturdays a month, tops. His coming home for any long than that, or if he was home during the week it would completely disrupt her routine with the kids and such. Their marriage was on the rocks big time. They had to decide what was more important: the higher paying job out of town, or saving their marriage. He quit his job and got a lower paying job close to home. They may be struggling financially but they are happy! The kids get to see their dad every day and they are thrilled. It did take a little while to re-adjust to having around all the time. He also started doing ALOT around the house. Last time I was over he made a great supper AND cleaned up the kitchen afterwards.

Oh he's a dog gf. A faithful married man does not ask a waitress out for drinks because she's a "very nice person". I waitressed for awhile and believe me there were more than a few travelling married business men who wanted to be my "friend". He was trolling. I'm sorry if this hurts you to hear but I suspect you know this in your heart already. I too read your original post and you're understandably going crazy thinking about this. It's not my place to tell you to leave your husband, only you can decide that. The facts are these: He's lied to you, then he's lied to cover up the lies, and when confronted he's making excuses. His attitude about it all being no big deal is an attempt to make you feel like your over-reacting. Don't let him! It would be one thing if he came to you remorsefully, fessed up and agreed to get help to save the marriage. His tactics are to deny deny deny. If he's not being straight with you, he doesn't have any intention to change.

Hello, and welcome. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. I couldn't imagine a worse thing happening to someone other than a death in the family. You've done all the right things: ie counselling, talking things through without much help. Time to start thinking about what will make you happy. Dissolving the marriage may be what you need to do. Do you have any children?

Tina, how awful. My heart goes out to you. First finding out your mom has cancer, and then having to deal with your husband telling you he does not love you after 20 years. That is alot to deal with! I can't even imagine what you are going through. Has your husband given you any reasons why he feels this way? Was your marriage good and then bam, he says this? Could there be another woman? Perhaps it's a mid-life crisis? I think telling you he does not love you is horrible, and his timing is even worse. That is very selfish of him when you are dealing with a sick mother and its a time you need the support of your husband more than ever. I understand you wanting to keep your pride. You can push for counselling, try talking to him, let him know you are willing to work to save the marriage, but beyond that you cannot force him to stay nor should you try to. Saying "I don't love you" is something that would be VERY hard to get over, for me anyway. You need to realize that because of the stress of your mom, and needing support dealing with that, you may not be as strong as you normally would be. If you are able financially to support yourself, I think it would be wise to take some time for yourself to think things through, surround yourself with family and friends who can help you stay strong and make the decisions that are right for YOU.

That's messed up buddy.

This reminds me of the song "suspicious minds". I Seriously can't imagine how there can be any trust when a cheater hooks up with a cheater. You cheat on your wife, your lover cheats on her husband, now you're worried your lover is cheating on you...oyyy. I think something is definetly up with your lover. There's something in her hotmail she wants kept secret. She's problably found another guy.

I agree with muneca. You need to come clean with your wife and initiate a divorce. The next time your lover contacts you, happily tell her she can have all of you. Then your wife can joyously send her your laundry, your debts, and the rest of your baggage.

Wow, you're a piece of work! You asked for everyone to try to be non-judgemental, but the more you post the harder that gets. You've told us that you began an affair before getting married and it continued throughout your marriage. (why'd you get married??). You've stated that you love your lover not your wife. Again, why are you married to her? I think we're missing something here. Does your wife have money? You've given us no history on your marriage. The little bit of info about your wife paints her as docile and an enabler. You described your feelings of being jabbed with a knife at the thought of your lover having sex with someone else. You've called your lover's ex-husband as a "poor guy" for believing his wife's lies. You don't talk about how your wife would feel except to say she's not stupid, and she would not want to know. Now your latest posts talk about staying with your wife if your lover won't be with you, or until it's financially viable for you to leave. Maybe you can't stand the thought of being alone. If you can't be with your lover, then you'll settle for your wife. Your poor wife! I don't know what the laws are where you live, but I would hope that when the marriage is disolved (and I hope it is, because your wife deserves better than you), that she doesn't just get half of everything, I hope she gets everything. After what you've put her through, she should at least get that.

omg You need to stop now. The man is married! He's someone's husband, he's not yours. You're a contributing factor in the destruction of a family. The man is a cheater. If his marriage is bad like he says, then he should've decided to either work on it, or leave it. If he decided to leave it, then after a time of adjustment, he could then think about dating. No, he's supplementing his marriage with a little extra-ciricular sex with you. You're also believing everything he tells you. Chances are he's lying about how miserable his marriage is or else he would have left already. His wife probably has no clue about this "torture". You said in your original post that you can't stand to hear him telling his wife "I love you" on the phone while he's in bed with you. Hellooooooo...he's telling his wife "I love you". Honestly I don't think this creep deserves either one of you. He's deceiving his unsuspecting wife and family, and he's taking advantage of you and your niavity. You seem like an intelligent women who's been swept up in a dysfunctional idea of love. I don't doubt that your feelings are intense and real. Of course you two never fight. You get the best of him, while his wife gets non-glamorous aspects of a relationship; Laundry, budgeting, raising and disciplining children together, yard work, housework, the list goes on. Not to mention sex together, after being married for some time, does not have the excitment level that would've been there in the beginning. Put yourself in his family's shoes for one minute, and realize the pain you are contributing to them. You deserve better, his wife and kids deserve better, and he deserves ...well he deserves whatever he gets.

That man is clearly up to no good that's for sure. He's built a virtual fortress that his wife cannot breach. This has nothing to do with an average guy's privacy rights, that's a husband who doesn't want to be caught doing something he should not be doing, plain and simple. She has a right to know.

Jake, I think I can help. My husband and I just went through the identical situation you are in now. When I say identical I mean it, you sound like the same type of guy I'm married to, and your wife, well lets just say I tend to dramatize a bit myself. Also, I left an art career also (graphic designer) to stay home with my 2 children. You seem like a great guy, a great dad and husband. I'm guessing your wife is great too, but because of how you're feeling, understandably, you didn't make that point. Our story played out in the same fashion. I used to initiate sex often, my sex drive was high. Then after the upheaval of having a baby and becoming a full time mom (which is exhausting), things changed. I can remember early on sex becoming something I had to do instead of something I wanted to do. Let me make the point that in no means meant I did not love my husband or that I found him any less attractive. If you've never been with a baby 24/7 there's really no way to describe how much energy they can sap out of you. You hold them, you feed them, you rock them, you bath them. It literally feels like they are attached to your body, especially when you are breast feeding. At the end of a long day, having your body to yourself is a godsend. Husband comes snuggling up looking for some lovin, and in my mind I'm thinking "Everyone wants my body". Sex became another thing on my list of things to do. After getting the baby to bed, sex with hubby, THEN I could have my time to myself. Servicing my family, that's how it seemed to me. I was like your wife, I had guilt about it, and even mentioned that I'd like to have sex 2-3 times a week like before, but the drive wasn't there. That's the best way I can describe it. Like you, my husband didn't make a big deal out of it, and looking back I'm glad he didn't because I already felt guilty about not being the sexed-up woman he married. I thought as the baby got older things would return to normal. Then we had another baby (lol), and more of the same. I can't tell you what is in your wife's head, but because our situations are so similar I can try. She thinks: He loves me and he understands. He understands what I'm going through and he knows it will get better with time. He knows that I love him and I thank him for being so patient. What I found out is that my husband was all those things, but he was also feeling rejected and neglected. He was equating my love for him with my desire. I'm betting your wife loves you more today than ever before. You don't lay guilt, you're a good dad, and you're supportive of her. She is probably well aware that you are in need of intimacy, but just can't be vixen you married right now. Motherhood changes a woman in every way, and it takes her time to find her new self. I guarantee at some point she will be back, new and improved. That doesn't help you much in the short term I know. What changed things for us is something I don't recommend, but it was the catalyst. We were having a small spat about something and my husband just blurted out that he felt like I was repulsed by him, because I turned him down so much when he tried to initiate sex. I was dumbstruck. I had no idea he felt that way, that I made him feel that way. After that, I made sex a priority on my to-do list, right up there with bathe the baby. I admit I did some acting, pretending I was horny when I wasn't, telling him all those things he loves to hear, throwing in extra moans for good measure. Over time, I wasn't pretending anymore. I don't suggest you start a fight with your wife. If there was a way you could talk to her without criticizing her, that would be helpful. There are a few things I can offer that may help nudge her along. A full day to herself or better yet 2 days every month. Not even with you, just alone, doing whatever it is she likes to do. Right now she feels like she's servicing everyone but herself. Let her read this post. I would've liked to have someone to talk to about what I was going through who went through the same thing. I'm here if she'd like that. Other than that, continue being the patient loving man that you are, tell her she's beautiful, touch her often in ways that don't have to lead to sex, hold her hand. Things will get better. I hope that helped.

From what you wrote, it does not sound like this guy has any remorse so let's assume he has and continues to cheat on his wife with multiple women. His wife could be at risk of contracting an STD, as could you. That's some serious stuff. I think the wife has a right to know and that she would want to know. What worries me though is that this guy knows where you live, and could possibly make your life difficult if you ratted him out. Perhaps, as someone suggested, there could be a way to let her know anonymously. I'm sorry that you have been put in this dilemma. This is a tough decision. I'd definetly not take the bribe if I were you, you're better than that. Good luck.

How awful! I can't even imagine the pain you're in. What your husband did is horrible. You should not have to deal with this kind of stress ever, let alone right before giving birth to your baby. This should be the happiest time of your life! Your husband should be pampering you, taking care of those 3 am cravings etc. I honestly have no sympathy for him. Maybe I should not be giving advice as I am sooooooo mad at your husband. Stress during pregnancy should be kept at a minimum. As you stated, your blood pressure shot up, and that can be dangerous. If I were you I'd probably stay with a relative or friend or have him leave the home until the baby is born. Right now you have your pregnancy to deal with. You need to think about your health and the health of your child, and you need time to think, and to relax. After that you can work on councelling, working through problems and deciding whether to try and save your marriage. That's just me. You may feel that having him around is the best thing for you.

From what you've said, my opinion would be that at the very least he is lying to you, and that he has probably cheated. I know that thought is crushing and you want to believe him but I think you know in your heart what your instincts are telling you. Instincts are usually right. He's your husband and you know him best. When you question him he is vague about his activities or he lies, so if you confront him he'll just turn angry and deny deny deny. If I were you I would probably get informed. Get to know his co-workers. Meet this friend of his with the same name, ask him how he enjoyed the business trip. Take the initiative and invite them over to your place. Cheerlily introduce yourself to the suspect women, guage their reaction when you say "Hi, I'm so-and-so's wife, nice to meet you". Show up at his work, get a feel for what's going on. All very innocently of course, like you just dropped by to say hi to your sweetie. If possible, suggest going with him on his next business trip just for a getaway, see what his reaction is. If you do those kinds of things and he acts nervous or uncomfortable, that's a big red flag. Ideally a loving husband should be happy if his wife drops by occasionally to say hi or to go out for lunch, and proudly introduce her around the office. Once you know the facts you can decide what you want to do. Without an admission from him or some proof, he'll keeping deceiving you.

LOL, my first thought would be what a waste of money! Seriously, sending yourself flowers for attention? I agree that it would backfire as an attention-getter. It would just cause trouble in the relationship when the bf/husband wonders what clown is sending his lady flowers. Back in college one valentines, I got roses from a secret admirer (no, I did not send them to myself). The bouquet was bigger than the one my bf(now husband) sent me lol. We think we knew who sent them but couldn't be sure. My bf's response was "I dunno who sent them, but he has more money than me" It didn't cause any big problems but it certainly was uncomfortable and wish I hadn't gotten those secret admirer flowers.

Whether he's cheated physically or not, he has certainly crossed the line. I noticed where you'd said you weren't invited to her house because that would make her uncomfortable. That says it all. He should be concerned about YOU being uncomfortable, not her. He obviously has more concern for her feelings than yours. He's given you a choice, his way or the highway. Probably not what you want to hear, but my advice is take the highway. Good luck to you sweetie.

It does exist, and it's incredible. I'm 34 and it's happened to me twice. I can't tell you the formula for making it happen, because both times it was a pleasant surprise, and I haven't been able to get it again. One time it was while masterbating and the second time was with my husband. It was basically a super intense orgasm and a gush of clear odor-less fluid, like water. I'd thought I'd pee'd myself. I read up on it, and it's not urine. The fluid comes from the Urethra. I did a search and here's the how-to: Preparation Recommendations for the Woman's Partner Wash hands well. Trim fingernails. Make sure that the thumb, and first two finger nails do not extend past the fingertips. Trimming them as far back as possible would be best. Make sure that there is no dirt or crud under the fingernails. Place a towel on the bed. A surprising amount of fluid can be released during female ejaculation. Compared to a male it can be like a water cannon instead of a water pistol. Have some K&Y Jelly handy. At some point additional lubrication may be necessary, even if she is having heavy orgasms and climaxes. Set aside enough time. The first successful ejaculation may take from 10 minutes to over an hour. It may be wise to exercise your hands, fingers, and arm for several days prior to this exercise. The motions necessary can become quite tiring after a while if you are not in good physical shape. Before beginning the first time, discuss it. Let her know that you are striving to give her an ejaculation. That female ejaculation is perfectly normal, and a wonderful experience for both of you. Convince her that there is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. Explain that just prior to ejaculation, she most likely will feel like she is about to pee. This is a difficult point for many women, as they will immediately draw back. Convince her that it is normally impossible to pee during an orgasm, and that the feeling is simply the first sign she is about to ejaculate. Since the movement of the fluid through the urethra will initially feel exactly like when she starts to pee, this is very important. The reflex to stop peeing will immediately abort the ejaculation, so she needs to be told to relax, and allow the fluid to pass. In other words when she feels like she is about to pee, she should go ahead and pee. Only it really won't be pee, it will be an ejaculation, and within a couple of seconds it will be very obvious to her that this is something quite different. Once she knows the feeling, she will be able to push it out once it starts, with astounding results. It is best for the partner to be sitting between her legs at this time, else she may overshoot the towel or even wet the far wall. Once she has ejaculated, rejoice with her. Don't make fun, or a joke. If you do it may be the last time she will be able to ejaculate, at least in your presense. Unlike a man, this is not the end. You can continue, and she may well have multiple orgasms and ejaculations with further stimulation. Technique Start slow. Use typical foreplay. You may want to start with her on her back. Stimulate the clitoris. This can be done with a moist finger, or with your tongue. Performing cunnilingus while rubbing her breasts with your hands can be quite stimulating for her. At any rate, continue clitoral stimulation until she is lubricated. At this point slide two fingers into her vagina. Allow them to move along the front wall of the vagina. You should encounter an area about 2 inches in, which should be somewhat enlarged. This is the G spot. It lies directly along the urethra, and is located almost directly behind the clitoris. Slowly stroke this area. It should start becoming more enlarged. Ejaculation is almost always triggered by stimulating the G spot. Clitoral stimulation can often assist in helping her reach an ejaculation, and also can make it more intense. But stimulating the G spot is usually necessary at least initially. Once she starts ejaculating easily, she may find that clitoral stimulation alone is sufficient. Stroking can be done a number of ways. The two fingers can rub the area as a unit, or they can take opposite strides, similar to walking. A third method involved sliding the two finders out a fraction of an inch, and pushing them back in, similar to the in- out motion of intercourse, but with smaller strokes. Initially pace the stimulation somewhat slow. Alternate with clitoral stimulation either with the thumb, other hand, or mouth/tongue. Also try simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris and G spot. Watch her reactions. Simultaneous may be too intense for some but necessary for ejaculation for others. Take your cues from her. When she starts bearing down, and you feel the vagina contract, begin pumping rapidly. When she is in the middle of an orgasm, stimulate the clitoris at the same time, and pump the G spot gently, but very rapidly. Talk to her. Say, "your getting it, go for it, don't worry, relax and let it come" or other similar words. She may need reassurance that if she drenches you, you will not be upset. Tell her how erotic you find it for her to ejaculate. Make her comfortable with both you, and the idea of ejaculation. This actually is not the best position. If she does not succeed after a short time, have her roll over on her stomach, and get up on her knees. You will find stimulating the G spot much easier in this position, and she will most likely respond much better. With the two fingers turned down, slide your two fingers back into her vagina. Find the G spot and continue stimulating the G spot. You may use the other hand to stimulate the clitoris. If after a couple of orgasms, using rapid pumping on the G spot during orgasm, she still has not ejaculated, then turn the hand around, putting the thumb into the vagina. The thumb will likely not reach the G spot, but don't worry, it should come up to meet the thumb during orgasm. Take the two fingers and lay them down on the clit. Allow the entire curve between the thumb and forefinger to lie along her from the vagina to her clitoris, and begin pumping with the thumb, and rubbing the clit at the same time. When she starts an orgasm, start pumping the entire hand rapidly. At this point she will most likely ejaculate. The trick is to massage the area where the urethra comes out, while stimulating the clitoris and G spot. This will help to override the feeling she is about to pee, and allow her to let it pass. Be aware that the female is not only capable of multiple orgasms, but also multiple ejaculations. It is not unusual for her to have from 3 to 5 ejaculations before depleting her supply of cum. Once she has ejaculated one or more times, you can continue with intercourse. Entering from behind will stimulate the G-spot more easily than missionary style, and often additional ejaculations will occur during intercourse. Even if they don't, she will be highly excited, and very sensitive. The final result will most likely be the most intense and pleasurable sex she has ever had. I highly recommend "The G Spot" for further reading.

I agree with snow. He's just not that into you. Lose the zero and get yourself a hero

You question brought to mind our "super sex weekend". It was super bowl weekend, during the winter blahs. We went away for a weekend of sex. I should mention I've been married 14 years, and we were in a slump at the time, this was a few years ago. We got a hotel, made arrangements to stay naked with the exception of going out for food. We hit every sex shop in the city we were in, just to browse and maybe pick up a few toys. We spent the weekend exploring each other, loving each other, pleasing each other. It was the most erotic weekend of my life and it certainly got us out of our slump. I was horny for 2 days straight. It was awesome, and the effects were long lasting. I think we're due for another one!

whewww glad I read that wrong and it was just a cyber-meeting. I'll tell you about my cyber experience. This is the first time I'm telling anyone (wow). About 6 years ago after I had my second child we decided it would be best if I stayed home to raise our children. I'm a pretty social person, so giving up my job I was also giving up adult contact, just being home with 2 small children 24/7. Add to that my husband going to school and working so he was never home. I felt very isolated. After the kids went to bed at night I started going online to play a few games of poker before bed. The poker room had chat, and as I was going to the same room every night I got to notice the same people. I'd just read the chat, then after a few months people started to recognize me as a "regular" and began talking to me, eventually they became friends. In my isolated world, my online friends became my social life. It felt very real, and I came to think of them as any friend I'd have in the real world. My husband was aware of this and thought it was cool. All very innocent. But as life goes, hubby working his butt off, me home with the kids, all the stresses of life, we just weren't getting the time together that a married couple should. Mutual feelings beyond friendship started to develope between me and one of my poker pals. Thinking back now, I was hearing all the things from him I wasn't hearing from my husband. I was getting attention. It was exciting, and it felt real. I justified this in my mind with "it's only typing". Anyways I got in pretty deep before realizing what I was doing was wrong. I stopped all contact with him and all online people save one gf who I consider to be a great friend. I never told my husband because nothing good would come of it except hurting him. I learned my lesson and I'll never make that mistake again. (wow, getting that out felt theraputic) Soooo.. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about online feelings seeming real. That's why I suggest trying not to get too emotionally involved. Of course if you're single and looking there may be some good dating sites that others can suggest. I have no experience with that kind of thing. As far as the IM's. If you're using yahoo, it has an invisible feature you can use so that you don't get bombarded with im's when you're online. You might want to set up one messenger like msn for people you want to talk to often, then another one like aol for everyone else. Good luck to you

Don't feel dumb. Sounds like you were just having some harmless fun....until you arranged to meet this guy in person. Not to over-react but..what were you thinking?? You don't even know this guy, he could be a psychopath. I hope you didn't give out any personal information to anyone in your cyber travels. There's all kinds of places online to meet people for cyberfun. I agree it can be yummy. Try not to get emotionally involved because most people in chat rooms lie about everything from their looks to their age and occupation. Most men will have you thinking they are hot, rich and hung like a horse. Great for cyber fantasy purposes but the reality is often not pleasant. It's easy to get sucked into that world too so do be careful with your heart and try not to get emotionally involved.

This is an easy one. Include the wife in the friendship. If it is indeed just a friendship, then what's the problem? the more the merrier. Of course if you two are flirting and do have something to hide from the wife, then it needs to stop. When I got a job after college, I got to be great friends with an "older" man at work. We just clicked, we talked about everything. Very innocent, but it caused a bit of stress for his wife and for my bf (husband now). So we started getting together for supper and socializing all 4 of us, and to this day we are all the best of friends. As a matter of fact, they just came and spent a week of vacation with us.

You must be devastated. My heart goes out to you. I have been married for 15 years, and just recently have been struggling with my husband and porn. That seems like fluff after reading what you have been going through. Like others here, I think your intuition is probably telling you what you need to do. If you decide to try to save the marriage, will you ever be able to trust him again? Will you be suspicious every time he leaves the house? Are you a forgiving person? Plus this is all dependent on whether he's really serious about rebuilding trust and totally disconnecting himself from the ho You really have to ask yourself if you can live this way. Personally I know I'd have a hard time getting those images out of my head. The hurt would just be too much. You may be different. Oh, and that comment about her being mad at him anyway, well...he deserved a slap accross the face for that one. Who gives a rats azz what her feelings are. It would be a big decision to leave a marriage of 18 years, where there are kids, and a nice home and lifestyle have been established. But living in torment in a nice house doesn't make the pain go away any easier. Kids are smart, they know when things aren't right even when the parents think they've hidden it well. The thought of leaving everthing you know and going solo sounds really scarey. It would mean downsizing, sacraficing, etc. (unless you take him for everthing he's worth hehe). You may just find you have more inner strength than you even imagined. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Whatever you decide, it needs to be what is right for YOU, not so much for the kids because whats best for them is when mom is HAPPY, and definetly not for him. Best of luck to you in what you decide to do. Keep us posted on how things are going, and remember there's always someone here to listen. I'll check back to see if you've posted. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))