nikki19

Raineysong, I totally agree with you. In a healthy relationship that has become conflicted because of porn, then it IS because of porn. The lying and sneaking are big issues to, and they all need to be addressed. The lame idea that any woman who is disagreeable to the idea of her significant other using porn being insecure is ridiculous. Who made up this rule that women should be supportive of her man pursueing the sexual pleasures of other women? I've read some pretty startling comments on this subject. Many times women posters will get beaten down (often by other women), being told THEY need to lighten up, or that they should be happy it's just porn and not an affair. Huh? That's like saying you should be happy that someone cut off your finger when it could have been your whole arm. I'm sorry but your relationship is in some serious trouble if you have to count your blessing that you're not being cheated on. One thing I do know for sure is that No Woman is "thrilled" about her man and porn. Some women will accept it, some will tolerate it, some will tolerate it with resentment, and still others will not tolerate it at all. Bottom line is, if it's hurting your honey, it needs to stop.

Hi Erin. I'm so sry you're going through this. After reading throught the text message I immediately surmised that your bf HAS cheated on you by allowing this other woman to perform oral sex on him. That was the impression I got. She probably is unattractive, has low self esteem, is looking for love, and aiming to please, and he took full advantage of that. I know this is not what you want to hear but it's plain as day. Listen to what everyone is saying please, because they are right. Of course your bf is going to deny cheating on you, that's what cheaters do! Please don't fall for his bs. Get some self respect and stand up for yourself. You deserve better and deep down you know it. Good luck hun ((hugs))

My best friend and her husband were in your shoes. Her husband travelled for work and the most he would be home was 3 Saturdays a month, tops. His coming home for any long than that, or if he was home during the week it would completely disrupt her routine with the kids and such. Their marriage was on the rocks big time. They had to decide what was more important: the higher paying job out of town, or saving their marriage. He quit his job and got a lower paying job close to home. They may be struggling financially but they are happy! The kids get to see their dad every day and they are thrilled. It did take a little while to re-adjust to having around all the time. He also started doing ALOT around the house. Last time I was over he made a great supper AND cleaned up the kitchen afterwards.

Oh he's a dog gf. A faithful married man does not ask a waitress out for drinks because she's a "very nice person". I waitressed for awhile and believe me there were more than a few travelling married business men who wanted to be my "friend". He was trolling. I'm sorry if this hurts you to hear but I suspect you know this in your heart already. I too read your original post and you're understandably going crazy thinking about this. It's not my place to tell you to leave your husband, only you can decide that. The facts are these: He's lied to you, then he's lied to cover up the lies, and when confronted he's making excuses. His attitude about it all being no big deal is an attempt to make you feel like your over-reacting. Don't let him! It would be one thing if he came to you remorsefully, fessed up and agreed to get help to save the marriage. His tactics are to deny deny deny. If he's not being straight with you, he doesn't have any intention to change.

Hello, and welcome. I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. I couldn't imagine a worse thing happening to someone other than a death in the family. You've done all the right things: ie counselling, talking things through without much help. Time to start thinking about what will make you happy. Dissolving the marriage may be what you need to do. Do you have any children?

Tina, how awful. My heart goes out to you. First finding out your mom has cancer, and then having to deal with your husband telling you he does not love you after 20 years. That is alot to deal with! I can't even imagine what you are going through. Has your husband given you any reasons why he feels this way? Was your marriage good and then bam, he says this? Could there be another woman? Perhaps it's a mid-life crisis? I think telling you he does not love you is horrible, and his timing is even worse. That is very selfish of him when you are dealing with a sick mother and its a time you need the support of your husband more than ever. I understand you wanting to keep your pride. You can push for counselling, try talking to him, let him know you are willing to work to save the marriage, but beyond that you cannot force him to stay nor should you try to. Saying "I don't love you" is something that would be VERY hard to get over, for me anyway. You need to realize that because of the stress of your mom, and needing support dealing with that, you may not be as strong as you normally would be. If you are able financially to support yourself, I think it would be wise to take some time for yourself to think things through, surround yourself with family and friends who can help you stay strong and make the decisions that are right for YOU.

That's messed up buddy.

This reminds me of the song "suspicious minds". I Seriously can't imagine how there can be any trust when a cheater hooks up with a cheater. You cheat on your wife, your lover cheats on her husband, now you're worried your lover is cheating on you...oyyy. I think something is definetly up with your lover. There's something in her hotmail she wants kept secret. She's problably found another guy.

I agree with muneca. You need to come clean with your wife and initiate a divorce. The next time your lover contacts you, happily tell her she can have all of you. Then your wife can joyously send her your laundry, your debts, and the rest of your baggage.

Wow, you're a piece of work! You asked for everyone to try to be non-judgemental, but the more you post the harder that gets. You've told us that you began an affair before getting married and it continued throughout your marriage. (why'd you get married??). You've stated that you love your lover not your wife. Again, why are you married to her? I think we're missing something here. Does your wife have money? You've given us no history on your marriage. The little bit of info about your wife paints her as docile and an enabler. You described your feelings of being jabbed with a knife at the thought of your lover having sex with someone else. You've called your lover's ex-husband as a "poor guy" for believing his wife's lies. You don't talk about how your wife would feel except to say she's not stupid, and she would not want to know. Now your latest posts talk about staying with your wife if your lover won't be with you, or until it's financially viable for you to leave. Maybe you can't stand the thought of being alone. If you can't be with your lover, then you'll settle for your wife. Your poor wife! I don't know what the laws are where you live, but I would hope that when the marriage is disolved (and I hope it is, because your wife deserves better than you), that she doesn't just get half of everything, I hope she gets everything. After what you've put her through, she should at least get that.

omg You need to stop now. The man is married! He's someone's husband, he's not yours. You're a contributing factor in the destruction of a family. The man is a cheater. If his marriage is bad like he says, then he should've decided to either work on it, or leave it. If he decided to leave it, then after a time of adjustment, he could then think about dating. No, he's supplementing his marriage with a little extra-ciricular sex with you. You're also believing everything he tells you. Chances are he's lying about how miserable his marriage is or else he would have left already. His wife probably has no clue about this "torture". You said in your original post that you can't stand to hear him telling his wife "I love you" on the phone while he's in bed with you. Hellooooooo...he's telling his wife "I love you". Honestly I don't think this creep deserves either one of you. He's deceiving his unsuspecting wife and family, and he's taking advantage of you and your niavity. You seem like an intelligent women who's been swept up in a dysfunctional idea of love. I don't doubt that your feelings are intense and real. Of course you two never fight. You get the best of him, while his wife gets non-glamorous aspects of a relationship; Laundry, budgeting, raising and disciplining children together, yard work, housework, the list goes on. Not to mention sex together, after being married for some time, does not have the excitment level that would've been there in the beginning. Put yourself in his family's shoes for one minute, and realize the pain you are contributing to them. You deserve better, his wife and kids deserve better, and he deserves ...well he deserves whatever he gets.

That man is clearly up to no good that's for sure. He's built a virtual fortress that his wife cannot breach. This has nothing to do with an average guy's privacy rights, that's a husband who doesn't want to be caught doing something he should not be doing, plain and simple. She has a right to know.

Jake, I think I can help. My husband and I just went through the identical situation you are in now. When I say identical I mean it, you sound like the same type of guy I'm married to, and your wife, well lets just say I tend to dramatize a bit myself. Also, I left an art career also (graphic designer) to stay home with my 2 children. You seem like a great guy, a great dad and husband. I'm guessing your wife is great too, but because of how you're feeling, understandably, you didn't make that point. Our story played out in the same fashion. I used to initiate sex often, my sex drive was high. Then after the upheaval of having a baby and becoming a full time mom (which is exhausting), things changed. I can remember early on sex becoming something I had to do instead of something I wanted to do. Let me make the point that in no means meant I did not love my husband or that I found him any less attractive. If you've never been with a baby 24/7 there's really no way to describe how much energy they can sap out of you. You hold them, you feed them, you rock them, you bath them. It literally feels like they are attached to your body, especially when you are breast feeding. At the end of a long day, having your body to yourself is a godsend. Husband comes snuggling up looking for some lovin, and in my mind I'm thinking "Everyone wants my body". Sex became another thing on my list of things to do. After getting the baby to bed, sex with hubby, THEN I could have my time to myself. Servicing my family, that's how it seemed to me. I was like your wife, I had guilt about it, and even mentioned that I'd like to have sex 2-3 times a week like before, but the drive wasn't there. That's the best way I can describe it. Like you, my husband didn't make a big deal out of it, and looking back I'm glad he didn't because I already felt guilty about not being the sexed-up woman he married. I thought as the baby got older things would return to normal. Then we had another baby (lol), and more of the same. I can't tell you what is in your wife's head, but because our situations are so similar I can try. She thinks: He loves me and he understands. He understands what I'm going through and he knows it will get better with time. He knows that I love him and I thank him for being so patient. What I found out is that my husband was all those things, but he was also feeling rejected and neglected. He was equating my love for him with my desire. I'm betting your wife loves you more today than ever before. You don't lay guilt, you're a good dad, and you're supportive of her. She is probably well aware that you are in need of intimacy, but just can't be vixen you married right now. Motherhood changes a woman in every way, and it takes her time to find her new self. I guarantee at some point she will be back, new and improved. That doesn't help you much in the short term I know. What changed things for us is something I don't recommend, but it was the catalyst. We were having a small spat about something and my husband just blurted out that he felt like I was repulsed by him, because I turned him down so much when he tried to initiate sex. I was dumbstruck. I had no idea he felt that way, that I made him feel that way. After that, I made sex a priority on my to-do list, right up there with bathe the baby. I admit I did some acting, pretending I was horny when I wasn't, telling him all those things he loves to hear, throwing in extra moans for good measure. Over time, I wasn't pretending anymore. I don't suggest you start a fight with your wife. If there was a way you could talk to her without criticizing her, that would be helpful. There are a few things I can offer that may help nudge her along. A full day to herself or better yet 2 days every month. Not even with you, just alone, doing whatever it is she likes to do. Right now she feels like she's servicing everyone but herself. Let her read this post. I would've liked to have someone to talk to about what I was going through who went through the same thing. I'm here if she'd like that. Other than that, continue being the patient loving man that you are, tell her she's beautiful, touch her often in ways that don't have to lead to sex, hold her hand. Things will get better. I hope that helped.

From what you wrote, it does not sound like this guy has any remorse so let's assume he has and continues to cheat on his wife with multiple women. His wife could be at risk of contracting an STD, as could you. That's some serious stuff. I think the wife has a right to know and that she would want to know. What worries me though is that this guy knows where you live, and could possibly make your life difficult if you ratted him out. Perhaps, as someone suggested, there could be a way to let her know anonymously. I'm sorry that you have been put in this dilemma. This is a tough decision. I'd definetly not take the bribe if I were you, you're better than that. Good luck.

How awful! I can't even imagine the pain you're in. What your husband did is horrible. You should not have to deal with this kind of stress ever, let alone right before giving birth to your baby. This should be the happiest time of your life! Your husband should be pampering you, taking care of those 3 am cravings etc. I honestly have no sympathy for him. Maybe I should not be giving advice as I am sooooooo mad at your husband. Stress during pregnancy should be kept at a minimum. As you stated, your blood pressure shot up, and that can be dangerous. If I were you I'd probably stay with a relative or friend or have him leave the home until the baby is born. Right now you have your pregnancy to deal with. You need to think about your health and the health of your child, and you need time to think, and to relax. After that you can work on councelling, working through problems and deciding whether to try and save your marriage. That's just me. You may feel that having him around is the best thing for you.