jake1212

Hey... I'm going to suggest something. But you have to promise to give it a shot before you turn down this idea. Ready? Go to a hospital... a church... a local school in a lower income area... an old people's home... and volunteer. Just for a weekend, at first. Then more, if it seemed to help you a little. Even better, call Habitat for Humanity or one of those places where the volunteer duties involve a little sweat and muscle ache. Not for purely altruistic reasons, mind you. Though that's good. But for this reason too: The void you feel is probably, I'm guessing, not a void at all... am I right? What I mean is, it's packed full of something. Those somethings tend to be echoing doubts, unanswered questions, a little fear and waning self-confidence... It's not truly the black, cold, empty well. But the fear of what lurks inside the well. That's where you start feeling awful. Because when you're alone (lonely), you can't help but sift through all those feelings of personal doubt. About your own worth. About what you believe in. About where your life is going. About the quality or intentions of your friends. About opportunities lost. I don't say all that to make you feel any worse, but more to show you what -- at least for some people, me included at one time -- what the real monster is you're facing. The drugs are probably not the real issue either. They're just a distraction. I'm guessing you actually could quit them if you wanted to. You don't sound (and I know I'm making a pretty big assumption here, simply because I don't know much about you from your post) like someone who is a shallow addict, on drugs out of vacuous boredom. You sound like somene who wants something better and just hasn't made or feels he/she can't make the jump to do it. In other words, there's hope for you yet! Going back to the beginning though, here's why I suggest the volunteering. Simply put, the absolutely worst thing to do when you're feeling lonely or full of doubts... is give yourself too much time alone with your doubts. Seriously. How many times have you felt awful, forgotten, unloved... then the phone rings and it's someone with plans for something to do... or you call someone and suddenly find, to your surprise, there's something to do... and the distraction alone instantly transform you, at least for those moments, into a happier more purposeful person? Maybe it happens for you like this less and less, the unhappier you get. Because people tend to move away from unhappiness. But remember back to better times. I'm sure there were moments when reconnecting with the world helped draw you out and make you feel better in ways that surprised you. And in those moments, where you're with others doing somehting else, you find you have much less time to mull over those things that depress you when you're alone. They start to seem insignificant. Or even inaccurate and false. Well this good feeling of being away again is compounded when you're not only with other people but when you're doing something to help someone ELSE get through their day in a better way. It's like sharks. Do you know anything about sharks? They have to swim, even when they're sleeping, if they want to breathe. They can't stop. If they stop, they suffocate. People are like that too. Only, it's not about moving to get in oxygen. It's about moving toward something to feel worthwhile, whole, real. If you're not building or creating or changing the world, as a human, you're suffocating. Right now, you sound like someone to me who's just now starting to get short of breath... not suffocating, but stopped still a little too long. But if you can get out there, and get moving again... even if you're a little listless or frightened by it at first... you will be shocked at how you're suddenly transformed. It's almost instant. And it's nearly painless too, save from the work you'll do to help someone. But even with that, the ache of muscles the next morning is a renewal all in itself. Best of luck. I hope you'll give it a try! (P.S. Doing something with kids is especially rewarding, because they're judgment free and their appreciation/affection for you after you help them is as genuine as it gets!)

With all the weighing in on this... I guess it's time I weigh back in too A lot of great advice so far. And even the advice that doesn't seem quite on target, seems genuine nonetheless. Everyone recommends we talk rather than not talk, and I think that does sound correct. 9 times out of 10, it's the lack of shared comprehension and the ensuing assumptions that really throw things off track. Nikki, you're right to observe that I feel like she's somehow repulsed by me... or maybe by the idea of feeling romantic in general... I'm sure she isn't fully aware of how I feel right now, that with every rejection I get further and further away from wanting to try again. Honestly, it's humiliating. And sex after begging for it... that isn't exactly a turn on... it feels seedy, not loving. Also, RayKay's message about her possibly being depressed. I'm sure of it -- at least to some small degree. The part that struck me is that it bothered (probably still will bother) me that she doesn't see that I'm on a constant treadmill, with work sandwhiched between baby care and doing the errands a life together requires. But where I still believe she doesn't fully understand how on the go I constantly feel (she thinks, for instance, I have time for haircuts and long lunches, which I rarely do)... I do see, from RayKay's message, that the constant sameness of taking care of the baby all the time can be a heavy burden. That, coupled with the fact that you don't exactly get to see the immediate fruits of many of your labors. There's more repetition in watching a baby. And no paycheck at the end of the week. Here's something odd, though: I say to her sometimes... why don't you let me watch him while you go out and take a walk, shop for something, even see a matinee by yourself. But then she pouts because she says she wants to do those things with all of us together. She wants the time alone but doesn't want it, if that makes any sense. Anyway, thanks again for all the input. I hope there's more to come. I don't know that the forum would really be able to provide the answer for our solution. For that, I think we'll have to look to each other. Still, if there's one way it's helping, it's that it's diffused my cloud of melancholic resentment, at least a little. When I left work this morning, I barely wanted to talk to her. Now I'm a little less stressed. Thanks again.

I'm not sure whether I'm posting something here because I want advice or because I just need to air this out somewhere, somehow... I love my wife. I stopped just now, debating whether to type "I think"... but no, I do love her. It's just that at this precise moment, I'm feeling a creeping resentment that I wish weren't there, but I can't honeslty deny that it exists. We've been married for four years. We have a young son who we both love and who is terrific. But our sex life is practically non-existent. I know some who are reading this will jump on that detail about the child and say that's the cause. But frankly, our sex life was dwindling even before she got pregnant. Before we got married, she had an artistic career that she had to abandon because it wasn't working out (I've tried to encourage her to continue, paid for anything she needed to continue, and have praised her talents endlessly and genuinely, but it only seems to make her more frustrated rather than less). I know that weighs on her. And now, yes, she's home with the baby all the time. I do what I can to help her. When he was very young, it was me who got him at night when he woke up. Not just sometimes, but every time. When he went from breast to bottle-feeding, my wife didn't even wake up. It was all me. Now, he sleeps through the night but it's me who gets him in the morning. If there's time, I feed him breakfast, change him, and sometimes get him dressed. When I come home from work, if he hasn't had dinner, I feed him. She does too, but the chore is more or less split evenly. And almost invariably, it's me who puts him to bed. We go out to dinner when we can, which is more difficult these days. But more often then not, I either go out and get take out or I make something. She cooks sometimes too. But I do more of the cooking. We take turns giving the baby baths. She's not lazy. And that's not the issue. If it weren't for her, our apartment would be a pigsty. She cleans up all the time (though, I do the dishes often and almost always take out the trash in the morning). And no quesiton, being home alone with the baby... even if I do the things in the morning and night... is just a draining experience. He's a baby so he wants to be carried. He grunts and moans when he wants something. Etc. I know because I've stayed home with him. Just a few hours is tough. She tells me that she doesn't have a life. That she can't rest or do things that she used to do. This is true, more or less. Except... after the mornings and before I come home to take him off her hands, I'm at the office. Working. And working pretty hard, I might add. I make a good amount of money, so that's not -- or shouldn't -- be the issue either. I take her out for romantic dinners. We get babysitters (it's nearly impossible to get her to take initiative in scheduling a babysitter, so I have to do it). We have a big screen TV where we watch movies we couldn't get out to see in the theaters. In other words, I try pretty hard to do all the things I already see suggested here to try and lift the burden from her. Even to the degree that I also feel I don't have any break from the schedule... take care of baby in the morning, get ready for work (iron my own shirts and pants), go to the office and work until 7pm, come home and take over the baby, go to bed and do it all over again. That's my life. But she seems to think somehow she's got it harder than I do. Okay... so there are the issues that spill on the table. Thing is, I believe we're in a marriage. And that marriage with a young kid isn't supposed to be easy. I accept that. But the marriage itself needs maintenance. Part of that includes making sure we have an active sex life, which seems -- to me -- key to keeping the warm feelings and communication lines open to each other. She talks sometimes about how we should have more sex. She says she wants us to have sex 2-3 times per week. But when I initiate, she always has a reason to beg off. She used to initiate. She never does anymore. She claims she loves me, but she's listless and depressed most of the time. If we make love now every six weeks or so, we're lucky. The longer this goes on, the harder this feels to talk about. And talking about it at all, in fact, seems impossible. Because she's very dramatic and I'm afraid that once I bring it up, she's going to think it's just about me want to get sex. And that everything i do will be geared toward her getting in the mood. I don't know what else I can do. Likewise, I don't know how I can do something about this without making it a big uncomfortable issue. Sex is part of a marriage. It's not there because one person or the other (the man, usually) needs to 'get off.' It's there because sex is what makes and builds those bonds between too people. Anyway, I just wanted to get some of this off my chest.