Very Upset, no contact, advice needed please

[Saira]

Hi All,

 

This is my first time on this forum. I have read alot of the advice and it's a wonderful forum.

 

I met the most wonderful guy on a dating site 2 months ago. We haven't met yet as the lockdown happened. He was really in to me and I really like him too. We would be on the phone for hours daily. Text all the time. We couldn't wait to see each other after lockdown is lifted. We haven't had a chance to meet prior to lockdown as he lives 200 miles away. He was very loving and attentive and made me laugh.

 

He's a widower with one 10 year old son who has a serious illness but has been a healthy normal kid until now. Last Monday my BF called me frantic that his son is very poorly and rushed to hospital. He didn't talk much and ended the call. The next day he called to say he was doing much better. Then since last Tuesday he has ignored my calls and texts. It's been a week and no contact from him. I'm very worried about his son and I hope he is ok but I don't know how he is because BF is now ignoring me.

 

I'm also worried about us. What if he never calls? I feel a connection to this guy and he felt the same. I am very sad right now and any advice will be appreciated, thanks.

[JenCrowley]

Sorry to hear this, OP, and I'm sorry you are hurting. The best advice I can give in a situation such as this is to not invest yourself too much into someone you have never met in person and you are still getting to know. The internet is definitely a unique environment: it allows one to connect to and interact with people all over the world you very well would never have connected with pre-internet. It also is a poor filter as far as separating the good from the bad, the truthful from the deceivers, the serious from the not so serious, etc.

 

You don't really know this person, other from what he has chosen to tell you/show you. What he has told you/shown you may or may not be the actual truth. It is impossible to really get to know the actual person within a virtual environment. That is why, in order to better protect your heart, it is wise to take the online interaction with a grain of salt until you actually meet in-person. Don't overly invest your emotions into something that hasn't crossed into the realm of reality yet.

 

I hope that this helps, and I hope that this guy has been honest with you and is absent only because of his son's illness. But, if he never contacts you again, it's best to move on and accept that he just wasn't the guy you thought he was.

[Saira]

Thanks for the advice. I still feel he was telling the truth. But I get your point of view as well. I became so emotionally invested in him that started to feel feelings of love and right now I'm too heartbroken to even think of moving on. I have never had a positive relationship and exes were all abusive and treated me badly. This was the first guy that actually said loving things to me. I really thought he was the one. I still want to wait for him but deep down, I know he is not coming back.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks for the advice. I still feel he was telling the truth. But I get your point of view as well. I became so emotionally invested in him that started to feel feelings of love and right now I'm too heartbroken to even think of moving on. I have never had a positive relationship and exes were all abusive and treated me badly. This was the first guy that actually said loving things to me. I really thought he was the one. I still want to wait for him but deep down, I know he is not coming back.

 

He's a widower with a young child who is seriously ill during a pandemic. I would think that might be a reality check for him that there are more important things going on in the world than an online chat romance.

 

This is one of those moments in life where you take the high road and two giant steps backwards. This isn't about you at the moment.

 

Don't reach out again. Get busy with your life and he's as good a guy as you think he is, he'll prioritize his personal life and call you when things settle down.

[Cherylyn]

His plate is full and overflowing. Back off and don't expect anything from him. He's a widower and consumed with tending to his sick young son. I'm a parent. Children take #1 priority in life. It's the way it is.

 

Wait until he's ready to reach out to you. He'll either reach out to you eventually or never will. If he doesn't, there is your answer.

 

His life is his sick son. You are not even on his radar now. I'm sorry but it's the way it is.

[Wiseman2]

Is he actually still married or living with someone? Why else would he seek a cyber relationship this far away? Be very careful of anyone who is this far away, won't videochat and claims to have all these sudden tragic emergencies. Do not send him money.

 

Chatting 2 months does not make someone your bf. He has plenty of local friends, family, etc to turn to. Reflect on why you got this attached so soon to someone where even after the lockdown there is only a remote chance of this working out. Try to connect to local men.

he lives 200 miles away. Tuesday he has ignored my calls and texts. It's been a week and no contact from him.

[JenCrowley]

It's possible he was telling you the truth, but it's also possible that he wasn't. Unfortunately, you can never know for certain when interacting outside the realm of in-person. Have you ever watched the show "Catfish"? It's amazing what personas people are able to create and the lengths that some will go to keep up the ruse. It's very unfortunate but there are quite a few sick, twisted people out there who get their kicks from deceiving their victims into believing in an individual who doesn't exist. Even worse, some will outright trick their victims into sending them their money, or personal identification information so that their identity may be stolen.

 

The key takeaway is to be careful and to not be overly trusting with someone you have never met in person. If this guy is the real deal and he meant all of those loving words, then you will hear from him and he will make a point to arrange a face to face meeting in future.

[smackie9]

I suspect he's going through something serious, and possibly the departed wife's family is involved....not a good time to be conversing romantically with someone from a dating app. He needs to focus on his son.

 

It is what it is.....you are just going to have to wait til he gets through whatever crisis his son is going through.

[DancingFool]

If he is really widowed with a 10 year old child with serious health issues at home with him....how on earth would he have time to be chatting with you all hours of the day???? Sorry but something about that alone doesn't add up. On top of that, never ever call someone your BF or start acting like you are in a relationship when you haven't even that person. You have no idea who he is or if there would even be any real life attraction there once you meet.

 

If he was being honest, then he has bigger problems than talking to some woman online that he never met. Again, you do not have a relationship or a bf here. There is also a possibility he simply made up things and moved on to a new online chat buddy he is duping.

[Saira]

Thanks for all the varied advice. His son has underlying health issues but he has been a fairly active and healthy kid on medication. He has had a few health scares in the past. So he is not neglecting his son when he was talking to me. We usually talked late at night when he was sleeping but yes, texted through the day. I understand that his son takes priority right now. All I'm saying is a simple text from him would have been nice to say I just want to be there for my son and will not beable to continue communication for the time being.

[SophiaG]

Sadly your 2 month online chatting does not carry the same significance to him as it is to you, and understandably so. It would be wise to not get too emotionally invested in someone so far away and who you know so little of.

[Saira]

I just checked the dating site and he was online. When I went to send a message it showed that he blocked me. I guess I got my answer after all. I am so heartbroken right now. Men always leave me. I guess I am going to die alone. I can't trust anyone anymore. People like this just show me that I don't deserve love.

[SophiaG]

I just checked the dating site and he was online. When I went to send a message it showed that he blocked me. I guess I got my answer after all. I am so heartbroken right now. Men always leave me. I guess I am going to die alone. I can't trust anyone anymore. People like this just show me that I don't deserve love.

 

I am sorry Saira but please have faith in yourself. Everyone deserves love, but not everyone you meet is going to love you the way you deserve. Like the saying goes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding the prince. Hang in there. Love yourself and maintain high standards so any random stranger can not affect you like this.

[boltnrun]

Don't be in such a rush to call a guy you've never met your "BF". He wasn't.

 

Slow down and think quality. You can't rush a true love relationship.

[melancholy123]

As others have said, he is not your BF, you've never even met him. At first I thought ok, the child is sick, dad is worried about him, so cut him some slack.

 

Then I wondered if he even actually has a child, or a child who is sick, since you have never met him to actually know for sure. People lie all the time for various reasons, and he could be one of those people. He may be happily married or living with someone, you cant know this for sure.

 

For now, back off. Leave him alone, if he contacts you down the road you can talk to him then.

[Hollyj]

Date locally.

[MissCanuck]

I just checked the dating site and he was online. When I went to send a message it showed that he blocked me. I guess I got my answer after all. I am so heartbroken right now. Men always leave me. I guess I am going to die alone. I can't trust anyone anymore. People like this just show me that I don't deserve love.

 

I have to wonder if this sort of thinking comes through in person. There's a chance he picked up on how invested you were and backed off.

 

Or, if you tend to go for men who are not great, this might simply be another one of them. He might not be the amazing guy you imagine he is, and he may not have been honest with you about his real situation. Something was obviously off here if he made up an excuse to dodge you and then blocked you. If he wasn't feeling it anymore, a quick message would have been all it took to let you know he didn't want to communicate anymore. Going completely silent after a couple months of chatting suggests he isn't the mature and wonderful person you think he is.

 

The important take-away is not to invest emotionally in someone you have never met. There is just not enough to build on without spending ample time together in person, getting to know their true character and evaluating your real compatibility.

[Eliza50]

People like this just show me that I don't deserve love.

 

People like this just show you that they didn't deserve you in the first place. It's not 'love' they're offering.

[Billie28]

Chatted late at night only?

Sounds like so as not to wake his partner or wife?

Convenient for him that you live 200 miles away or at least that’s what he claimed.

 

Why do you choose men who are unavailable?

When you see patterns in your relationships emerge , it’s not bad luck , poor you , it’s you that is the common denominator.

 

What are you going to do to break your pattern?

[Spawn]

I just checked the dating site and he was online. When I went to send a message it showed that he blocked me. I guess I got my answer after all. I am so heartbroken right now. Men always leave me. I guess I am going to die alone. I can't trust anyone anymore. People like this just show me that I don't deserve love.

 

Without actually knowing his reason to cut contact don't assume its you and your behaviour. Best is to leave it for now. Block him and move on with life. Its better to date in person, never put your heart out there so soon, its a recipe for heartbreaks. I have also been through this phase and realise its us who need to take care of our well being always. Everybody dies alone, we came alone we go back alone, but the people whom you decide to be till your last breath is upto you. Your gut tells you don't want to be with people who don't respect you or love you for the way you are. It will take time, patience to find the right partner. Just let this go. Hugs..take care.

[Tinydance]

I don't understand why you're calling this man your "bf". Normally people date at least for a month or two before they call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. In your case you've never even met in real life. Have you at least video chatted? You've never been on any dates or even kissed. I understand quarantine is a lonely time, but I think you are being unrealistic and creating a fantasy about this man. It sounds like you get attached way too fast. That alone can actually scare someone off.