Jump to content

Not sure about getting married

Recommended Posts

It been 8 years since I got divorced. I haven't been in serious relationship until the last year and a half.. I had 4-5 short term relationship that last about 3-4 months. I am 52 years old and I will be 53 soon. In one hand, I am tired of being alone, and in the other, I want to be relationship.


So here is the problem. I been going out with this Chinese woman who is 20 years younger than me. I have been going with her for over 1.5 years. I have to decide soon to either marry her or let her go. She is beautiful, skinny, educated, no debt, and wants to get married as well. I do love her, she tell me she love me, but I am not sure. I do have a trust issue with her. The first few month were tough. She has lied to me, slept with other men, kept secrets from me. I feel more like her parent than a partner. Just recently we are having great sex and she starting to cook and do other stuff for me. We were suppose to get married last Sept, but then one of her secrets came out again. She went back to China and then came back in April. We been seeing each other again since then. She told me she changed. My mom told me not to see her again, but I didn't listen. I know she feel that she isn't the one for me. We already have a pre nup.

I feel like I am not ready, but then again...since I have been alone for so long, maybe I am afraid to commit and get married again. My biggest fear

-she might leave like my ex wife did

-I will be more like her parent

-someone better might might come around

-she will be unfaithful

-she will drain my money

Her visa will expire in October. I have to decide by the end of this month if I want to marry her or let forget this. I don't know what to do. Every woman I have been with, I had problems with. No one is perfect. I haven't been getting a lot of responds in the dating app.

So the choice is either I marry her and take a chance or take a chance in the hopes that in a few years I will meet someone again who wants to get married but at that time again. I will be even be more older. I am so confused.

Link to comment

The standard is not at all "well there are always problems" -no one is perfect, true. But it takes you deciding in a particular situation whether the particular flaws/imperfections are actually dealbreakers -for you -not for anyone else -for you. Some things are easy to label as dealbreakers for most people just like some things are ridiculous to label as dealbreakers. You can''t sweep it under the rug with "no one is perfect". In my personal opinion this is a no brainer -she is not a good match for you. It's obvious. And I just turned 53, married 10 years to a wonderful man who married me even though we'd cancelled our wedding several years earlier. For some that might have been a deal breaker -insane to give that another chance - but we knew we should and we knew why we should and so far so good/great! I'll mention FWIW that if we'd broken up because of lies or cheating I would not have tried again.

Link to comment

If you already have a prenup, I think its time to break up.


find a woman a little closer to your age - even at least 40 and still "younger" - because right now it seems that her beauty and skinniness you speak of is causing you to not act upon more serious red flags. you *are* at risk of "parenting" a woman young enough to be your daughter.


She wants a VISA. But break up now - not days before it expires

Link to comment

o the choice is either I marry her and take a chance or take a chance in the hopes that in a few years I will meet someone again who wants to get married but at that time again. I will be even be more older. I am so confused.


you will be older, but you can still meet someone. Unless its code for "i will be too old to find a young, nubile woman that could be my daughter's age." A man in his 50s can certainly find plenty of women in their 40s-50s to date.

Link to comment

I'd suspect she knows what she's doing and she enjoys twisting you around her little finger. It's probably a good idea to reconsider seeing or dating her. I think your self-esteem is extraordinarily low and you may be drawn in by her qualities on paper. It's easy to report back to friends and family how educated someone is, their dress size and financial health.


What isn't easy talking about are all the daily doubts she causes in you, the effect of the age difference between the both of you and your worries over her spending habits which you cannot prove quantifiably unless you were to, for example, point out how many purses she collects or how many Hello Kitty stuffed dolls she secretly hides under her duvet (if you were to do so, you'd just look maniacal and controlling). I'd withdraw and date around, meet new women more around your age range who are more established in their lives. You may have to be more open-minded in the process and willing to see past a person's weight or ethnicity.

Link to comment

:( This woman is using you and she has little to no respect for you. She has cheated on you lied, played around, and you are feeling like her parent (no wonder!!)


Please up your standards, no one in their right mind would stay with a woman like this. She will ruin your life more than she has already.


You can't be this desperate. I really do hope you get some sense and walk away. She can go back home. She's a life ruiner.

Link to comment

Let me provide you some perspective from a British Chinese dude pretty well informed about my motherland.


China today is not the China of 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago. The age of American and European worship is over, the allure of emigrating abroad has faded for most modestly successful Chinese people, because Beijing, Shanghai and Shenzhen are already world class cities with comparable income levels to developed countries, and numerous other cities will be catching up in the years to come. I met a Chinese girl in Singapore, we hit it off and talked about possible futures living in China or the UK, but she is adamant that no matter where we live, she actually does not want UK citizenship if we were to get married, because she wants her children to hold Chinese citizenship, because she believes that they will have a better chance of obtaining a life of prosperity in China than the UK. I do not disagree. Growth and opportunity is in Asia.


Why is this relevant? You say your girl is educated? Where? Are you sure? If she has lied about other things, what do you know for sure that is true? Because no offence, but it is quite unbelievable that a 30-something beautiful and well educated Chinese girl would so desperately want to marry an American guy over 20 years older than her if she had her sh.. sorted out in China.


To be blunt, it looks pretty obviously like she's screwed up her life in China, maybe always relied on men to pay for her lifestyle instead of building her own career, and now that she's over 30, her value has plummeted in China (not a politically correct place at all) even if she is pretty. So now she is looking abroad for rich Americans with Yellow Fever. You are her entry ticket to the US. Once she's got that green card, you will have lost your power over her. She has already cheated on you before, she will do so again.


I'm sorry dude, she is just using you. Marrying her would be a big mistake if you wanted a loving partner for the rest of your life.

Link to comment

You made a pros/cons list but it is only cons. You know the right answer here, you just don't have the confidence to let go.


You've already been divorced. Is your fear of being alone really stronger than your fear of being hurt again?


This woman has ALREADY hurt you... multiple times... so the chances are near 100% she will hurt you again.

Link to comment

Your focus should be on values and character, even though the debt bit is important. " She is beautiful, skinny, educated, no debt," She has lied and chested, and is also looking for visa.


Listen to your mother! Why are you so desperate?


You have very poor judgement in women, probably due to the fact that you seek superficial, instead of character. Red flags all over the place, yet you want to marry. Hmmmm.

Link to comment

I don't see where in your post you say you actually love this woman? I understand the appeal, you are 53 and you have a young, pretty, slim/hot bod woman, and so forth. Certainly for sex and companionship it sounds good. Call me old-fashioned but to me marriage is a huge deal, it's special and not to be thrown around lightly. She probably needs this marriage to stay in your country so she has a gain from it. But what do you need it for? You've already been married and you have experienced marriage and all that. This woman has been very unreliable, deceitful and also cheated on you. These things alone are enough to not pursue it with her any further. If you only want to marry her to have a pretty young thing on your arm then sure, you can do that. But other than that it doesn't sound like your relationship actually has love and substance, and that goes for both of you.

Link to comment

It's a no go ever since you mentioned your being old enough to be her father, she lied to you, slept with other men, withheld secrets and you are a parent, not a partner. You're not sure about getting married? Do you need to get your head examined? Splash cold water on your face, take a cold shower and wake up! :eek:


Cancel your marriage plans.


At age 53, remain in your own age bracket with women and stick with a woman who won't give you a life of strife.

Link to comment
She has lied to me, slept with other men, kept secrets from me. I feel more like her parent


This would have had me walking away a long time ago. You've wasted your time on her since, and I can't fathom why you'd consider a future with her.


We never get any wasted time back to live over again. I'd liberate myself from this mess and find someone better to date at my own leisure.

Link to comment

Those doubts you are having . . . Listen to them! There is more wrong here then right.


It's NYC & you are a doctor. You should be able to find new women to date in a NY minute. Don't settle for a woman who wants you for a green card.


If you are not inclined to listen to me, speak to an immigration lawyer about the special responsibilities you will have under the law if you marry. You will be obligated to support her if you divorce. It's more then alimony etc.

Link to comment


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...