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MirrorKnight last won the day on November 20 2019

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  1. Hey guys Thanks for all your input and apologies for slow response, partly due to busy life and partly cos it's rather awkward to write here when I live with the woman! lol To answer a few questions: @SooSad33 Yes, I agree. That was a bit of a red line for me. I need spontaneity and passion in my life, not just go through the motions of it. Thankfully she hasn't insisted on it and recently even surprised me on a few occasions. 🙂 Actually that's not an issue for me. It's not much extra effort to hand wash my underwear once a week. She does the same. It's a personal habit of hers, it has a little scientific merit, I can respect it even if it's a little odd. She's staying with me for about 3 months. The answer is, probably yes... A degree of unavailability creates desire, constant availability causes boredom. However, I don't date to mess around, so I'd want to know that we are compatible living together. It's a bit of a long story. The short version is that we are both in limbo due to the pandemic, so finances are a bit tight, so she moved in with me to save on rent after her previous contract expired. I'm due to return to the UK in March (if air corridor reopens) and she's waiting on visa approval to go to the UK too, but chances are it will be delayed for quite a while after I leave. So, we expect to be LDR for a while after March. We may or may not live together once in UK depending on work situation. But we have agreed to at least try stay close enough to spend weekends together. The hygiene thing isn't a big deal. She just wants underwear hand-washed separately. It doesn't take much extra effort so I don't mind. With all due respect @smackie9 I think your prognosis is a bit rushed. I don't think there's any couple that's perfectly in sync with each other all the time. It takes work and communication to try to overcome differences. I came here to try to understand whether my situation was unusual or not and potentially better understand Kate's arguments. The following is the key part of my original post, I probably should have highlighted it in bold... "Am I being selfish and obtuse when I think, "okay, so you're not that into it tonight, but surely it doesn't hurt to have some fun for my sake?". Is it really physically uncomfortable for women to have sex when they aren't feeling it? She says having sex everyday makes her tired and gives her a stomach ache... Is that a thing? How often do couples in their late 20s and early 30s normally do it if they live together?" Anyway the long and short of is that whilst things aren't perfect, following a bit of a minor combustion when we both aired our grievances, things have improved considerably. I’ve discovered that compared to my exes, Kate is more emotional in the sense that she experiences higher highs and lower lows (nothing extreme, before any diagnosis of bipolar). So, she’s prone to feeling passionate and amorous when she’s in a good mood, or irritable and ***ly when she is not. Since she’s moved in with me, she’s been quite anxious about various uncertainties in her life and the ongoing pandemic, which has caused some stress and tension for us, like millions of couples around the world. Whilst I don't know for sure how the future will turn out, I am more optimistic now than when I wrote my original post at the start of this week.
  2. Hey forum, I've been away for over a year. I've browsed a few threads in the last couple of days, nice to see some old faces. 🙂 I stopped posting because well... nothing happened for quite a few months... and then once I started dating again, nothing notable happened, until now. I've been seeing "Kate" for about half a year. Overall things are going well... we've had some fights, especially during stressful periods of the pandemic... But we've come through it. About a month ago, she sort of moved in with me. (I say sort of because it's a temporary arrangement.) Living together has revealed a few issues in the bedroom department... 1) Turns out I have a higher sex drive than her. This wasn't immediately apparent during our dating phase, because we didn't see each other everyday, and once we went there with our relationship, we had sex pretty much on every date (unless inappropriate/inconvenient). Plus she is probably the most passionate lover I've been with, at least in terms of expressing herself. However, once we started being together everyday, it turns out she doesn't want it everyday... She gets excited and initiates about once a week and really gets into maybe twice a week. Other times she says she's tired/sore etc... so we either don't have sex, or sometimes she relents, but isn't very enthusiastic about it. Overall, we average probably once every other day, minus her rather long "time of the month". (I didn't realize periods can last a whole week for some women!) Oh yeah, Kate is 30. Isn't that meant to be a sex drive peak for women? Am I being selfish and obtuse when I think, "okay, so you're not that into it tonight, but surely it doesn't hurt to have some fun for my sake?". Is it really physically uncomfortable for women to have sex when they aren't feeling it? She says having sex everyday makes her tired and gives her a stomach ache... Is that a thing? How often do couples in their late 20s and early 30s normally do it if they live together? I googled it, but I'm not sure the numbers I saw included couples who didn't live together. (it seemed low to me). 2) She's obsessed with sexual hygiene I do understand why. Her lady parts seem quite prone to infection/inflammation compared to my previous partners. She insists that I wash my underwear separate from other clothes and that I wash my privates with something specifically bought for that purpose. That's all fine in theory, but suddenly being asked to wash myself just as we get steamy is a bit of a mood killer... Anyone got any experience with this kind of thing? She's tried to negotiate with me about how often we should do it and schedule it in advance (i.e. Monday, Wednesday and Friday, so you should have a shower before coming to bed etc...) But I haven't accepted it because I don't want to take the spontaneity and excitement out of it. It'd feel like just going through the motions if it was something literally on a calendar. 😅 Overall it's not a huge problem yet, but it is new to me... advice much appreciated. Thx!
  3. I think this is my first post here in over a year... Anyways, here goes... Based on what you described, you are short, skinny and look younger than you are. If you add spotty and Chinese to that list, that's basically me about a decade ago. I wasn't quite a virgin at that point, but I didn't have much success with girls. As for the future, I got good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're not the type of guy girls just can't resist jumping on for a holiday fling or rebound sex, so casual sex is pretty much off the table. You can also more or less forget about Tinder-type dating apps too, they are horrible for men unless you are top 10%-20%. Your "dry spell" might last for quite a while longer. Mine lasted most of my 20s, though I did sort of get depressed and give up on dating for a few years. The good news is that (generally speaking) women are less shallow than men when it comes to physical appearance. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to keep on top of your grooming and wardrobe. Dressing sharp, working out and taking care of your hygiene won't do your chances any harm. Also your metabolism will probably slow down soon-ish to enable you to build some bulk. But by far the best thing you can do is to make something of yourself as a man. Women love winners, go-getters, guys with drive, intelligence, energy, vision, ideals, knowledge and of course, money. Humans are social animals, start climbing towards the top of a social hierarchy, any hierarchy, and women will flock to you regardless of height, build or your jawline. It gets even better, you don't even necessarily need to succeed for high quality women to give you a chance. You just need to be earnest and demonstrate that you are an interesting person to be with and will be a capable provider and guardian for your potential family. In my late teens and early 20s, I was really insecure about how I looked and whether I'd ever find somebody. By my mid-20s I had sunk into depression and despair (not just cos of my non-existent love life). But as I started to turn my life around in my late 20s, getting dates and meeting women has come quite naturally. I'm 32 now and far from successful (and the pandemic has really thrown a spanner in my plans), but I've dated women who I would have thought impossible when I was 20, including my current girlfriend. TLDR; Don't worry about girls in the short term. Make yourself a healthy, capable, successful, knowlegeable and interesting man, and you'll be amazed what life can bring.
  4. Oh yeah, not sure why you are “angry” about your (lack of) dating life. In your OP you clearly state that you are only interested in good looking women. There is nothing wrong with that exactly, but then it gives you no right to feel entitled to have a good looking woman in your life. Throughout human history, something like only 40% of men born have been able to father children. So there was a real risk that an “average man” will be unable to find a partner period, let alone a “good looking” one. We can thank the proliferation of monogamy in most modern societies for giving men a better chance of finding a mate and fathering children. If you are only interested in the top 10% of women (not sure how strict your definition of “good looking” is), you got to be honest with yourself and ask if you are top 10% among men? If you have standards for dating women, surely women are entitled to have standards for dating men too? i.e. nothing to be angry about. For example, I recognize that I have fairly unrealistic expectations for the life partner I want to have. I am very much a "work-in-progress" man, so if my dream woman came along and was willing to support me and be my partner as I strive to be the best version of myself, then I will be over the moon and forever grateful to her. But if she is a top 10% woman, she could easily find somebody else who is the "finished article" and will not have to "slum it" with me for years with vague hopes of my possible future success, so I would not begrudge her one iota for choosing the easier and surer path. I can stay single until I am worthy of the partner I want.
  5. In relation to what @skeptic76 said... Cold approaches rarely work, and it takes guts that frankly speaking, most guys (myself included) do not have. To answer OP directly: If you expand your social network, you will meet women organically. Make friends with women you enjoy hanging out with, not necessarily want to date, they always have female friends who you might click with. For example, I moved to a new city thousands of miles from home this year. I didn't really know anybody here. I reconnected with a distant friend from university (a guy) and went on a day trip with him shortly after coming here. On that trip, I made a few local friends (one guy and two girls)... and though I wasn't interested romantically in either of those girls (plus I wasn't single at the time), I have met more people through them by being invited to various gatherings. I would avoid dating anyone at work, but colleagues could also set you up with their friends or acquaintances, whether intentionally or indirectly. Cast a wide net and you will always have options. (Not advocating "player" behaviour though.)
  6. I thought your comment was rather random tbh. Not sure where you got the idea that I have a hard time to be alone. I was mostly single for most of my 20s, I would say largely by choice. I have ended two relationships in 2019 because I did not want to "settle" with women I was not "all in" on.
  7. I think I recognize a pattern here too, if I am totally honest. I put too much stock in what people say, especially early on, and extrapolate too much. I misread Kathy's eagerness for a committed relationship for how much she cared about me, I jumped to conclusions about Lily's values without understand the context in which she expressed those values. I need to focus on own self-improvement. I think Lily could have been a great match - if I had maintained the trajectory I was on when I was 19 or 20, and earning $100k+ annually now, as quite a few of my peers from then are. It's not that Lily is materialistic, she is much less materialistic than Kathy, but we just do not even share the same world.
  8. I do want a clean break. I’m just trying to cushion the blow so it does not cause irreversible damage to Jane. I understand how people can come to the wrong conclusions, but I have really hardened my heart and made it very clear and obvious to Jane that it is over, including: 1) Walking away from her crying on a street corner after refusing to go back to her hotel. 2) Telling her repeatedly that I am seeing other people. 3) Telling her how exactly how judgmental, elitist and mean I can be in relation to people we know, to dispel any notion she has of my kindness. 4) Telling her that she does not fit in a picture of my future where I am happy. 5) Telling her to move out by a fixed deadline.
  9. Yes, unfortunately, I have come to the same conclusion. Although I still think she is a very kind person brought up on the right values, her values have never been tested by real-life challenges. It is all very good saying that you don’t care about money, when you have literally never had to worry about not having enough to live your very comfortable lifestyle. Her head really is in the cloud and she has not considered very practical issues if we became a couple, like: 1) I could never buy her a gift that her father/brother/herself could not easily top. 2) It’s fine saying she does not expect me to buy things for her, but what about shared expenses like eating out, rent, hotels when traveling, flying business class etc. Either she would have to dial down her lifestyle, or pay for me, which would be very awkward regardless. 3) I don’t think her father would ever approve of me. I’m not personally successful enough, my family is not rich enough (albeit more educated). As for the volunteering thing. No, I don’t think so, though she is quite generous to her friends. She actually got offended when I told her it was a bad idea to lend money (thousands of USD) to a friend who ran up loads of bad debt doing god knows what. She recognizes the contradiction between her ideal to earn her own way in the world, and her unwillingness to sacrifice her lifestyle, and if I were brutally honest, her poor work ethic.
  10. I had a brief look at your previous threads to understand the context better. It is not rocket science. The guy is happy to have sex with you, but he does not want a committed relationship with you. Nothing particularly extraordinary about that scenario, it is repeated in countless stories across the world. He manipulated you into having sex 4 months ago (it wasn't that hard though, was it? Given your desperation to reconcile...) knowing full well that he did not want to give you the commitment that you clearly crave, it was very selfish and mean-spirited of him to take advantage of your weakness and desperation. He changed this tune as soon as he got what he wanted. He even planted the seed of false hope with the garbage about "this isn't goodbye forever". He just wants you pining for his return indefinitely so he can roll back into your life for more hotel sex whenever he feels horny and hit a dry patch with other girls. Now onto the bit I highlighted. I don't understand the logic in those statements. If he is a selfish man who used you and treated you with utter contempt and disrespect, how does that make it harder to move on than imagining he is some tortured mysterious man trying to battle his demons until he realizes the love you had was special? If anything, it should be easier. It is over. There is no question that he will move on before you do... because he already has. And guess what? It is irrelevant. You cannot change how he treated you in the past, you cannot change how you allowed him to treat you in the past. You can only decide how to move forwards. If you cannot handle it by yourself, with friends and family, then seek counselling and figure out why you are so attached to such an obviously selfish man who does not love you and does not respect you.
  11. I wouldn't do it in the first place. It is one thing if you build a solid relationship and then it becomes long distance for whatever reason. But I would not entertain the idea of a LDR in the initial courtship phase. Date somebody in your own city. Don't pursue an unavailable fantasy.
  12. Sorry dude, your characterization is just wrong. I don't even feel a need to explain myself again.
  13. I did tell Lily the truth about Jane, since she did ask about exes... she did not seem overly bothered about it. Yes she is living at my house rent-free, no she is not making much progress moving out because she is still in denial. Yes I have spent some time with her since she came here (one dinner and an afternoon together)... just enough to stop her camping out in front of my company or apartment. I will have to be firmer soon. I know this is untenable.
  14. Money is just an excuse. It is not the real issue, which is probably another woman, or simply that he does not love you. Never beg somebody to stay with you, never try to bribe somebody to stay with you. It is desperate and unattractive and destroyed whatever respect he had for you. Learn to respect yourself and only give your time and emotional commitment to somebody who wants to be with you.
  15. She is educated, got a Masters Degree in Chinese from a decent Chinese University. She worked at a government job (HR-related) in China until 6 months ago, when she came to Singapore to learn English and prepare for another Masters Degree in the UK. Her goals are fairly fluid. She has mentioned wanting to run a school teaching Chinese as a foreign language for foreigners, or going into business herself. She has already rejected the government career that her father had laid out for her. Despite being 28 years old, an age where most Chinese women are quite anxious to get married and start families, Lily still comes off quite immature. She has lived in a privileged bubble all her life, and can be quite out of touch with the struggles of most people, because she has never really had to worry about earning enough to maintain her lifestyle, which although not extravagant, would be considered a luxury for most middle class people in the West, let alone China. To put it in context, I have a reasonable middle class income for Singapore, but I live quite frugally because I service a mortgage back home and I am trying to save for some stuff... she spends pretty much my entire monthly salary on just shopping, restaurants and travel (taxi/uber everywhere) and she says things like, "It's not that I am unwilling to take the subway, I just think that for a long journey, it is too tiring"... without realizing that for the vast majority of people, the taxi-subway decision is a cost-benefit analysis that she does not even need to consider. So, yeah... I do like her a lot, she has the innocence and kindness that only a life wrapped in cotton wool could afford to maintain, but in the cold light of day, I fear that we do not belong in the same worlds, and the practical differences in our lifestyle would get in the way sooner or later. I am not giving up it completely, but definitely tempering my expectations.
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