Getting in my own head

[Jibralta]

She truly cannot accept or acknowledge that she does this.

 

I also don't know how to change it for my own life. I was conditioned this way.

 

Your mom sounds a little like my mom. She has a very strong need to look perfect in the eyes of others and imposes that need on her close family. My mom never tried fixing my projects or anything like that, but she does hen-peck like crazy. Like your mom, my mom is in complete denial about the inappropriateness of her actions. She blames us for being dramatic and oversensitive. On top of this, my sister idolizes my mom and constantly protects and reinforces the sanctity of our mother's 'perfection.' If my mom doesn't get this reassurance, she will get upset. It's really annoying.

 

It seems like you are in more of my sister's position than mine, though. "Best friends" with your mom. I can see how difficult it would be for you to break away without feeling like you are abandoning her. But I think you should work on that. You have to stand on your own two feet, away from her.

[Alex39]

Yes Jibralta, essentially what you are saying is absolutely correct. She looks for perfection in people all around her. And now she has raised me to be her. I see how this is potentially destructive though and I try not to judge people as harshly. I think me going away to college and making some mistakes has taught me to see things more clearly.

 

Also an update on that guy I was talking to. We've still been talking. He tries to call me almost every night. Last night we spoke for four hours, way past when he said he needed to go to bed, and he kept saying how it was getting late, but how he didn't want to get off the phone with me. We are really hitting it off. It is very comfortable to talk to him.

 

Realistically, we have not been able to see each other, because he has been working every single day and when he isn't, I am. He has been taking on extra days and has been swamped. He keeps mentioning that we need to do something soon and how he is trying to change his schedule to have more regular weekend hours so he can see me. He said he can't wait and hope that they change him soon. He called and inquired about it again and they said they will try and give him more regulated hours during the week and not these long hours on the weekends.

 

He said maybe later this week or next week we can meet. He said he really wants to meet me and I joke with him that nothing that he has said is true unless I meet him soon. Try to keep it lighthearted, but also with a tinge of that seriousness like 'hurry up dude'

 

He isn't all over me which I like. Isn't love bombing me or being overly flattering, but just flattering enough that is comes naturally and doesn't freak me out. He's kind and funny so far, and he says he thinks I am cute and smart. So we have some basics going for us.

 

There is chemistry there, so I hope this lasts into when we meet. I truly don't get a bad vibe. I think he does want to meet and I think his work schedule stinks and as soon as he realized that it was inconvenient he started trying to change it to have more of a normal life. His work revolves a bit around high vacation time which ends in a week or two, so he should be more freed up with time.

 

He mentions us doing fun things such as cooking together, dance lessons, and last night he mentioned a trip up to a snowy cabin in the winter. But he mentions it as all far down the road. Like a normal person. He said he'd love to do a dinner out when we meet. Thats normal. I'm grateful.

 

We'll see where it goes. He seems to be trying to keep me around with the nightly phone calls. If I tell him I am busy, he tells me he loves talking to me, but understands and then he coordinates with me another time that we are both available to talk.

 

I truly think this guy is going to meet me. He seems all into it. We'll see what this week brings. We are both free tomorrow, I think. Sometimes his work calls him in too. So he doesn't have a choice. That I think too, is why he has been strapped. They will call change his schedule or call him in for over time. I give the guy credit, he works hard. I appreciate that.

 

Again, we'll see what this week brings. He is supposed to be free tomorrow and I am after work, so maybe we can meet up.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he does a lot more talking than doing, especially setting up a meeting. "Cooking together"?

Last night we spoke for four hours

He keeps mentioning...

He said...

He called...

He said...

He said...

he says...

He mentions us doing fun things such as cooking together

he mentions...

He said...

he tells me he loves talking to me

He is supposed to be...

[boltnrun]

Sounds just like the previous guy. And work guy.

 

Lots of pretty talk but no actual dates.

 

Oh yeah, he's busy!

 

You do fall for this routine every single time. It's like clockwork.

[Batya33]

If you are spending 4 hours talking to a stranger you've never met and talking to him this often with no set plan to meet you're giving him the wrong impression about your values/goals/standards and what kind of life you have. I completely relate to work schedules. I would not be able to meet anyone this week at all. But if that is true cut out the phone buddy/chat buddy stuff and save your talking for when you meet in person because you're doing the same ole thing you always do and getting your hopes and expectations up - you might have phone chemistry but that's irrelevant with a stranger -if you knew him well then being good by phone too is a nice perk, a real plus for you -but he is a stranger. Even assuming he has this crazy work schedule you're making yourself appear wayy too overeager and too available and you're choosing to make all these assumptions and get your hopes up. I am surprised you would follow your pattern again and again even though it's not working for you.

 

I would tell him that you have a busy week to, to let you know when he can meet you time/place and you'll figure out a time to meet. Limit communication from now on to choosing the time/place and confirming. Tell him you really look forward to meeting him in person and talking more then so he doesn't think your change in communication means you're not interested in meeting him in person.

 

If you are fine with a chat buddy who you have chat chemistry with that's fine - perfectly valid if that is truly what you want and what you want going forward - but if you want to date someone in person with potential for a relationship, based on your previous patterns this is not the right approach for you.

[Metaltwin70]

'If you are fine with a chat buddy who you have chat chemistry with that's fine - perfectly valid if that is truly what you want and what you want going forward - but if you want to date someone in person with potential for a relationship, based on your previous patterns this is not the right approach for you.'

 

Agree with this. Texting and chatting is all well and good but at the end of the day if the man's not setting up a date..what's the point in continuing the texting and the chatting if what you are looking for is a REAL LIFE relationship? At this moment in time it's all smoke and mirrors and no substance - chatting to a stranger.

[Alex39]

So this guy set up a date with me. We went out last night. He picked me up from work. We went out to eat and then walked around a bit. We had a fantastic time. He was very nice, cute, smart, etc...

 

He is really serious about dating and even told me he'd like to take me off the market. He told me he liked me a lot, and how of course I was pretty and such, but us talking so much made him like my personality so much more and that was super important.

 

I tried to pace things and he said that was fine and how he would be sticking around regardless.

 

We kissed a bit and he was holding my hand a lot. He was a gentleman.

 

I felt for the guy. He told me his last girl friend, over a year ago was cheating on him with another man right under his nose, so he seems to be a bit posessive, not in a negative way, I think its out of fear. Wanting to pin me down very quickly and such. I think thats why he talks to me so much, because he is afraid I am talking to other men.

 

But he was nice and not pushy in a physical way at all. He seemed very romantic and kept wanting me to be happy. He kept telling me how he really wabts to make me happy and thinks that he can. I am hoping if things continue positively then he will get more comfortable. I am not a cheater and never will be. I'll dump someone first. He said he was in no rush, but his end goal in dating is to find someone and eventually get married.

 

So he is very intetested in me so we'll see how things go.

[boltnrun]

Hate to rain on your parade...but wants to "pin you down" after one date and some texts?

 

Please do go slowly. And no at home dates.

[reinventmyself]

So this guy set up a date with me. We went out last night. He picked me up from work. We went out to eat and then walked around a bit. We had a fantastic time. He was very nice, cute, smart, etc...

 

He is really serious about dating and even told me he'd like to take me off the market. He told me he liked me a lot, and how of course I was pretty and such, but us talking so much made him like my personality so much more and that was super important.

 

I tried to pace things and he said that was fine and how he would be sticking around regardless.

 

We kissed a bit and he was holding my hand a lot. He was a gentleman.

 

I felt for the guy. He told me his last girl friend, over a year ago was cheating on him with another man right under his nose, so he seems to be a bit posessive, not in a negative way, I think its out of fear. Wanting to pin me down very quickly and such. I think thats why he talks to me so much, because he is afraid I am talking to other men.

 

But he was nice and not pushy in a physical way at all. He seemed very romantic and kept wanting me to be happy. He kept telling me how he really wabts to make me happy and thinks that he can. I am hoping if things continue positively then he will get more comfortable. I am not a cheater and never will be. I'll dump someone first. He said he was in no rush, but his end goal in dating is to find someone and eventually get married.

 

So he is very intetested in me so we'll see how things go.

 

Eeek. Too much too soon.

View first meetings as that. Just to meet.

 

From there you decide whether you want to date.

 

This feels like an `insta' relationship and that it is typically never a good sign.

 

It's definitely flattering to have someone say all these things to you, but he does-not-know you. That's what dating is for. You have several dates with no commitment to the next and at some point in the future you decide if after getting to know this person in real life, that you want to make them happy.. . Not in the first 2 hours.

 

I learned something about pacing. When I catch myself trying to pace the other person, I know I am on the wrong track. If their pace is that of a freight train it's something I need to pay attention too. Not pace. Trying to get someone to slow down when this is their unhealthy attachment style isn't a good idea. It's better to just observe them in the early stages and determine whether their particular style matches yours or is unhealthy in some way.

[dias]

 

He is really serious about dating and even told me he'd like to take me off the market. He told me he liked me a lot, and how of course I was pretty and such, but us talking so much made him like my personality so much more and that was super important.

He said all that on the first date? Be cautious.

[Wiseman2]

It's too soon to become exclusive. Is his dating profile still up/active? With all this talk did he mention a second date? Keep in mind "find someone someday" is vague and after a few hours is obviously a general statement.

told me he'd like to take me off the market. He said he was in no rush, but his end goal in dating is to find someone and eventually get married.

[Alex39]

He mentioned a second date, and was asking about my schedule. He said dinner again and maybe an activity after, all outside the home.

 

I don't feel that he has been pushy physically at all. I've been with men that are. Emotionally, he is a bit much. But he did treat me right and he said such thing... you deserve to be treated well so thats what I will do.

 

I am not used to be treated in such a nice way. He hasn't mentioned anythimg about our homes anytime soon and doesn't seem to be in a rush for that. Anything mentioned such as that he made clear was for way down the road if we were to get more exclusive and closer in a relationship.

[reinventmyself]

 

I am not used to be treated in such a nice way. He hasn't mentioned anythimg about our homes anytime soon and doesn't seem to be in a rush for that. Anything mentioned such as that he made clear was for way down the road if we were to get more exclusive and closer in a relationship.

 

The fact that you are unaccustomed to someone being minimally decent to you is what makes you are a target. You eat this kind of attention up and start to go down a wrong path.

 

You should first work on believing you are deserving of it and then being very selective about who gets to pay attention to you.

 

Just the mere fact that any talk of being closer and exclusive, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now ,was not an appropriate conversation to have with a man the first time he laid eyes on you.

 

If some guy told me all the things this guy told you on the first meeting, I'd lose his number. I find it disingenuous for someone to act like they know me when they do not.

[katrina1980]

The fact that you are unaccustomed to someone being minimally decent to you is what makes you are a target. You eat this kind of attention up and start to go down a wrong path.

 

You should first work on believing you are deserving of it and then being very selective about who gets to pay attention to you.

 

Just the mere fact that any talk of being closer and exclusive, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now ,was not an appropriate conversation to have with a man the first time he laid eyes on you.

 

If some guy told me all the things this guy told you on the first meeting, I'd lose his number. I find it disingenuous for someone to act like they know me when they do not.

 

Agree! amk, cut and paste this to your fridge and read every morning; it's the same story (as all your others), different face.

[boltnrun]

Again, all signs of grooming.

 

Men who want to "pin" you down immediately are the ones who have a reason for wanting that. And they are wily...they know that healthy, secure women won't get "very excited" over their declarations of an instant connection. A healthy woman would respond "That sounds nice. We should talk about that once we get to know each other better.". Instead of taking it as a sign of love at first sight or a "meant to be" or "fate" or whatever.

 

Get to know him. And try to get out of the habit of thinking you must follow wherever some man leads and that YOU must get him to like you. Think about whether or not you like him as a person, not just being dazzled by what he says.

[reinventmyself]

And a healthy man would be discriminating about who he involves himself with. He'd take his time, get to know you and at some point in time either decide you two know each other well enough and have what it takes to take it to another level.

 

That absolutely can not happen in the first couple hours.

 

My current bf and I dated for 2 months before we decided we wanted to be exclusive.

It doesn't have to be that long, but day one is a massive red flag.

[katrina1980]

Looking back, my long term ex (six year guy) lovebombed me, wanted to go exclusive on the second date and basically just laying it on really thick. Honestly, I didn't even know what lovebombing was back then.

 

At first I was flattered, liked the attention, just like you amk. I even admired him for going after what he wanted!

 

But after a few days, a week tops, it became too much, too soon, overwhelming and I did NOT feeling comfortable with it.

 

I was super attracted to him though (we had already had sex) so I was the one who slowed it down, Being a reasonable guy, he understood and did dial it back.

 

amk, he admitted to me later on in the RL that his history was coming on strong, pushing things, then pulling back, eventually ending it.

 

Had I NOT slowed him down, same thing would have happened with us.

 

Please heed this warning. As I said, same story, different face.

 

You want a different outcome this time from all the others? Then your approach to this must be different first.

 

NO going back to his, no long protracted texting and phone calls. I mean FOUR hours on the phone before the first meet? Come on now, you must know better than this by now, after all your previous disappointments.

 

Take it slow this time. Gauge his ACTIONS.

 

EDIT: And just like reinvent, my current bf and I did not go full exclusive for 2.5 months, and here we are just shy of six months together! ❤

 

Be smart. Be careful!

[reinventmyself]

When people rush in, it isn't due to the fact that you are so fabulous. You may very well be, but people who rush into relationships with others doesn't have very much to do with you and everything to do with their unmet needs.

 

They are trying to fill a void. It may be different for everyone. Something they didn't get a child, their last failed relationship, etc.

 

But it's not about you and it's bad way to start a relationship.

 

Filling that void of someone elses unmet needs is not your job. It's healed with self reflection, time and sometimes therapy.

 

Letting some guy glob onto you isn't a compliment. It's allowing them to use you as vessel to help themselves feel better.

 

It's their job to find out how to feel better about themselves without having to use someone else to do it.

 

In and ideal situation, they heal whatever is hurting them and then show up better prepared for a relationship and having something to offer.

[katrina1980]

 

When people rush in, it isn't due to the fact that you are so fabulous. You may very well be, but people who rush into relationships with others doesn't have very much to do with you and everything to do with their unmet needs.

 

 

reinvent is right, and it took me a long to realize this too. Heck, it was your first meet, you could be an alien from outer space for all he knows, him coming on like that had NOTHING to do with you and how great you are.

 

It would take time for him (or anyone) to realize how great you are, no one can know that on the FIRST MEET. It's literally impossible.

[Honeycomb8]

I can't help but roll my eyes at the things he's told you. They are all glaring red flags. You seem to again be lapping it all up.

[Batya33]

I can't help but roll my eyes at the things he's told you. They are all glaring red flags. You seem to again be lapping it all up.

 

Yes, very scary and in addition -complaining about his ex the very first time he meets you -how he was a victim of her cheating -that's what he chooses to share with a woman he is trying to get to know in a positive way? Please.

[boltnrun]

I get that you are starved for male attention. For a companion, for a boyfriend. So you can change your perception that you are the ONLY person who is single, unattached, lonely.

 

But when we're starved we tend to eat anything that lands in front of us.

 

One time when I was really hungry I ate 8 hour old cold Jack In The Box tacos that had been sitting out all day.

 

Think hard about this. Do not leap on the first guy who APPEARS to offer you what you're starving for. Look deeper and be wise.

[Batya33]

I get that you are starved for male attention. For a companion, for a boyfriend. So you can change your perception that you are the ONLY person who is single, unattached, lonely.

 

But when we're starved we tend to eat anything that lands in front of us.

 

One time when I was really hungry I ate 8 hour old cold Jack In The Box tacos that had been sitting out all day.

 

Think hard about this. Do not leap on the first guy who APPEARS to offer you what you're starving for. Look deeper and be wise.

 

When I was 19 my sister and best friend each got engaged and my high school sweetheart ended things so I felt really alone. I found myself checking out men on the busy city streets and I ended up with a stranger man's arm around me on the train -because I was too chatty and friendly when he saw me browsing a bridal magazine (because of my sister's upcoming wedding). I then realized how my desperation almost got me into trouble because I was ignoring common sense red flags.

[Alex39]

Wanted to offer an update. Continued talking to the guy and I do really like him.

 

My girl friends were having a party at their house and told me I could invite him. I did and he was so happy to come with me. We had a nice time. He was a bit quiet and shy but overall did well with my friends. He was nice and doting on me the whole time. We kissed goodbye, a lot and continued talking. Third date he came over my house. We ordered food, watched movies and had a great time. At this point, he kept asking me to be his girlfriend. I kept holding him off.

 

The next night we met up and went out to dinner. Had a nice time. That was date 4 and I told him I'd be his girlfriend.

 

He tells me all the time how he wants to keep me and I'm such a special girl, different from others. How he is so lucky to have me etc...

 

I then didn't see him for a week. He had to work, then I had to work. We texted, snapchatted a lot. Flirted a lot too. I think the time a part made us miss each other. I found myself missing him. And he me.

 

We made a plan for the weeks end. I would come out his way and we would do things together.

 

 

I had work off that day and he did too. I got there in the morning. Had an issue with my car so dropped it at a dealer near his house for maintenance and he picked me up. We grabbed lunch and hungout until they called us to come get it.

 

We then headed to his place. Hung out, cuddled up, watched some tv. Fooled around a bit. We decided mutually to wait to have sex for a long while. After that we went out and went to an orchard to pick fruit. We had a good time. We dropped the fruit at his place, went back out to dinner, and then went shopping for a few things I told him his apartment needed. Typical guy apartment. Bachelor pad. Bare minimum. Mis matched, not nicely decorated. No hand towel in the bathroom.

 

We headed back and I left soon after. He mentioned maybe doing something tonight after work, but unsure if that will happen.

 

I like him, a lot. He seems to like me a lot.

 

When we were out shopping I mentioned something about going to weddings and getting dressed up.

 

He said he hated them and avoided them at all costs. I started saying all the nice things, I think weddings have to offer like dancing and a free meal.

 

I then joked that "well I guess the next one you go to will be ours"

 

Then I laughed making it very clearly a joke and even followed up with "of course, way, way, way down the road"

 

He didn't say anything to that, but I hear him mumble under his breath 'might be sooner than you think'

 

I ask him to tell me what he said. He says nothing. But I heard him loud and clear unknown to him.

 

Some possibly cons to him.

 

1. Occasionally he will say things that almost make me feel dumb or undermine me. I truly don't think he means it in a purposeful way

He's such a sweet man, but it occasionally makes things awkward.

 

Like as an example. I will say something like "ugh no I think **** **** about this topic "

 

And he will say "have you ever had **** ****? No? Then how would you know?"

 

I am expressing my beliefs about something I feel. It belittles me a bit to try and almost make me feel like I don't know what I am talking about.

 

I will then feel very awkward and it causes a weird vibe for a minute or until we talk about something else.

 

2. He wants to live in another state. I just got my new job which I love.

 

I wanted to stay here for a few years, maybe 5, maybe forever.

 

He just got his job here. And wants to only stay for a year or two.

 

His family lives 13 hours drive, 2 hour flight from here. Same west coast, bit much farther south. He keeps talking about going there, mentioning me going with him eventually, and throwing out little things here and there about me living there with him.

 

My family lives up here. I tell him I would want to go with him, but leaving my family would be so hard. He then says how the biggest company for his type of job is stationed there and he could make big bucks and the company gives flight vouchers to all employees as many as you want so I could fly to them anytime I wanted. I'm assuming we'd have to be married for me to get those perks.

 

He also said that unlike my friends who are all living with boyfriends, he would want to put a ring on my finger, engagement, before we'd live together. This is fine with me. But now it makes me wonder if in a year or two he will propose.

 

I told him flying is not the same. I can drive home in an hour and a half if someone is sick, if I want to visit, for the holidays. I'd miss them so so much.

 

He then tells me how he owns a plot of land down near his parents. And eventually down the line, wants to build a nice house on it.

 

At that point I think of children and wanting my mother and father to be around my children and present in their lives.

[Batya33]

Sounds like things are going well for the very beginning. I wondered why you brought up the tonic of wedding receptions and found it odd that you focused on the free meal and dancing. Obviously it’s not “free” - you buy a gift right? Also suggests a focus on the party rather than the marriage. Is that the impression you want to give?

Relocating is a big deal. I knew when my husband I started dating again I most likely would have to relocate. Early on I told him I would and put some geographic boundaries on it which he agreed to. Still we were a plane flight from our family and it was often hard. Still is but less so. Decide very very soon if you are ok with relocating if you two are married. He sounds pretty committed to the idea and it would help his career it seems.