Getting in my own head

[Capricorn3]

OP, I may have missed it, but are you in therapy? If not, WHY not? You really need time out from dating and be single for a good long while to get yourself sorted out and in a mentally healthier place. Right now everything just points to disaster with no end in sight. You would greatly benefit from some professional counselling/therapy to help you figure out where all of your issues are coming from and how to deal with it, because clearly, what you are doing is not working and hasn't worked in years. Get some professional help.

[figureitout23]

I'm definitely the odd man out cause I don't see things nearly as dire as everyone else does.

 

To be completely fair Kat, and I mean NO disrespect, many, if not all saw your boyfriend as showing red flags, also please remember, you two also connected before meeting. I'm in no way saying the scenarios are exactly the same, but there are similarities, only difference is you, for a lack of better terms, defend yourself, OPer kinda allows people to railroad her, she doesn't listen, she pretty much always does what she wants, case in point, this guy is already her boyfriend. Batya literally uses the phrase 'snatch up' when describing men in dating scenarios now when a man literally says those words hes crazy? I just dont get it?

 

I'm not saying this is destined for success, I just don’t have enough information to know for sure that it it’s one way or the other. I say at the very least it'll be a stepping stone.

 

Its ideal that you stay single OPer but you always seem to do your own things so you are clearly going to do this. My advice? Tread carefully, keep your feet on the ground and when you recognize an incompatibility, end it. Again, AT THE VERY LEAST, you will learn to walk away when its time.

 

Call me crazy but I really think once the anxiety from trying to compete with everyone else and having someone there passes, reality will hit and if there are incompatibilities they will shine bright like a diamond.

[katrina1980]

^^No disrespect taken figureitout, I want you (and everyone) to speak your mind(s) even if it's not something I relish hearing, I'm a big girl I can take it.

 

That said, there is a world of difference between what transpired between my bf and I and what's happening with amk and her guy; I actually see no similarities other than we connected quickly on line, but we still took it SLOW.

 

At the risk of sounding overly defensive, we did not even go full exclusive until 2.5 months, let alone discuss our future plans together or weddings/marriage?? - and after six months, we are STILL taking it one day at a time. Which is what we're both comfortable with.

 

I don't consider him not responding back to my last message a red flag (assuming that's what you're referring to). Well maybe at first I thought it might be which is why I created the thread, but after he explained why he didn't, which made sense to me, we met, clicked, and here we are today, six months later.

 

That said, I DO appreciate your comments, and agree I was a bit harsh/judgmental which is why (one reason anyway) I sort of backtracked, and apologized, told amk to enjoy, see where it leads and keep us updated (post 196).

 

I agree with you, whether this works out or not, she needs to experience this, hopefully she's learning something valuable from every experience she has. Lord knows I've made plenty of "mistakes," that's how I learned, I am still learning!

[Batya33]

"Batya literally uses the phrase 'snatch up' when describing men in dating scenarios now when a man literally says those words hes crazy? I just dont get it?"

 

Nope, out of context. I don't mean it that way at all and haven't used it that way. What I have written and what I believe is that a person who is really interested in dating another person typically will ask the person out sooner than later so that his/her intended is not "snatched up" by someone else. I don't think he should snatch her up, I was talking about a mindset. That's the only way I've used it. And I use "man" because usually in context the question is a woman asking whether she should be concerned that the guy hasn't suggested another date or hasn't responded enthusiastically to her suggestion for another date and my response is "most men would want to make sure they had a time/place date so that the woman they're interested in isn't snatched up by another guy." Same goes for a woman if she is doing the asking out. And same goes for life in general -if you're looking for a job and get called to interview, you're going to call back to schedule ASAP so that someone else doesn't beat you to the punch and get the job. I would not like at all if a man said to a woman "I want to snatch you up so no one else can have you" especially if he said that in the beginning -that would be wayyy too much. IMHO.

[katrina1980]

 

I would not like at all if a man said to a woman "I want to snatch you up so no one else can have you" especially if he said that in the beginning -that would be wayyy too much.

 

I gotta agree with you there B. That reflects insecurity which is the wrong reason to become exclusive (i.e. snatch her up) imho.

 

When two people choose to become exclusive, ideally it should be because they've gotten through the preliminaries, like what they've seen and gotten to know about each other up to that point, and want to focus only on each other to see where it will lead -- not because one or the other wants to "take them off the market."

 

And to make such a suggestion before they've even met in person? Which is what amk's guy did, reflects his insecurity, is way over the top; I don't see how anyone could disagree with that.

[figureitout23]

I completely agree with you bat, I highly doubt he literally meant snatch her. I feel, however it was worded by him, meant he felt she was a catch and he wanted to make sure he got that chance to date her and no one else.

 

I could be completely wrong, I fully admit that, but I could be right. We are getting her side of the story and every story is explained, in my observation, a bit overly dramatic, whether it’s interactions with men or her mother, I think the reality of how these situations actually go down are actually probably a bit more subdued. I also think she drives a lot of how people interact with her. I’m not saying these past situations with these men didn’t happen or her interactions with her mother didn’t happen, I just think they were more subdued than described.

 

Based on that, I don’t know, I’m kinda thinking about that one poster who said she and her husband were both broken and found eachother. I don’t think this is a complete lost cause, I don’t think he’s a guaranteed disaster, I think they’re both an equal amount of broken and no offense OPer equal amount desperate to have a relationship.

 

So she can keep chasing away men who are overwhelmed and put off by again for a lack of better words her desperation .

 

Or she can yet again for a lack of better words, take the edge off and try this out, at the very least it’s practice and it’ll take away that anxiety that she has.

 

Again I know I could be completely wrong and you Kat and the others could be pinning this guy to a tee.

 

I’m just thinking broken seeks broken and she’s not going to be single right now so what are the other options? Some people are stubborn and have to learn by doing. I say, let her learn.

 

OPer I hope me speaking of you in third person wasn’t in any way condescending. I promise you it was not my intention. I’m not trying to insult anybody here, just offering my counter view.

[Batya33]

Yes, I meant that I never used snatch in that context in any positive way.

 

I think this is going to depend on her choices. If she continues to pursue the insta-relationship and playing house at Target the he's going to take that to mean, likely, that she is ok with how fast he is moving in that way. I see positives in their interaction and agree with "broken" - but it's too early to tell whether he is broken or just feeding off her signals. Willing to step back and see what happens. But she has to stop the wedding/relocation/target stuff.

[Alex39]

I appreciate the feedback.

 

I've been thinking a lot about it.

 

I was not expecting this at all. But after my usual pattern of chasing unavailable or relationship phobic men, I decided to finally stop and look for a man who wanted a serious relationship. Never ever expected nor was looking for someone so fast.

 

I started realizing that the guys who were endlessly texting me and never leading anywhere were not making me happy in the long run. I have stopped responding and engaging with those men, even before I met my now boyfriend. I realized that for a change to come and for me to truly be open to a relationship, as that was what I wanted, I needed to change my ways, which clearly weren't working. So I did.

 

I stopped communicating with guys that drag their feet. Cut them out. I started giving my time and effort to guys who gave it to me seriously. If they showed signs of not being into dating seriously, or just hooking up, I said goodbye right away. Not humoring them as I usually did then to be dragged along for months or years.

 

My now boyfriend asked for my number after one day. Against my norm of waiting a while to give it, I said f***it, and gave it to him. He started calling me on the phone, which to me was a very good sign. He asked me good questions. Compatibility type questions. Said he only did relationships and wanted one.

 

This to me was all good. Then he asked me out.

 

I was trying so hard to break my harrowing cycle, and I did. It lead to me a relationship.

 

He calls me, or I him, every morning to talk on the way to work. We text back and forth loosely throughout the day. We talk again sometimes at night.

 

He was cheated on. I think this lead him to want to pin me down fast. He didn't want me to see others and him, as this freaks him out.

 

At first, I was more casual about it. Now, I do really like him and am growing feelings and I like that he pinned me down.

 

Recently, I am trying to real in old feelings. I can get a bit clingy at times. I feel this steams from insecurity, after so many men just slowly ghosted me in the past. I get into this mode of overcommunicating and making plans and doing it to seek reassurance. Yesterday, I was feeling a certain way and overanalyzing everything. Assuming he is growing disinterested or is going to take off soon.

 

But I was wrong. He reaffirmed me, without even knowing I was concerned. I actually had to laugh. I was less communicative last night. I was taking some time to myself and to take a break from him, so I wasn't being clingy, again trying to break old habits. He contacted me seeking reassurance that everything was okay and he didn't mess anything up.

 

He was worried. If he only knew I had been all day. It made me so happy. I auto assume he will be like the others I've dated, but so far he is anything but.

[Batya33]

This sounds partly good but it's odd that you would wait to give someone your phone number to see if it makes sense to meet. And yet you didn't wait to go shopping at target and play house. Something is not adding up here. We all have some sort of baggage and if he's been cheated on he cannot subject you to that by acting in a controlling way so if he is please don't justify that in that way. You are describing this as if this is a longstanding relationship. You've owned pairs of socks far longer than you have known him. Please proceed at a reasonable pace.

[katrina1980]

amk, it does seem like you're going from one extreme to the other.

 

From guys who are relationship phobic to guys who want to rush in fast, and subsequently you rushing in fast.

 

Neither are ideal, there should be a balance.

 

That said, I think it's great you have learned from past "mistakes"! It's too soon to tell if this will be another one, hopefully it won't be and what's been happening is just the rush of new excitement and things will eventually balance out.

 

As I said earlier, enjoy and allow it to take you wherever it's meant to take you.

 

**Remain open and flexible to changing nuances. This is super important and will keep *you* balanced. Try to not overthink and focus too much on the negative.

 

Again, no matter which way it goes, it's a great learning experience!

 

Always stay positive.

[Wiseman2]

It's great you are aware of some pitfalls from the past. Things seem to going well after 4-5 dates. The only red flags are his possessiveness and this excessive quick involvement along with too much too soon and too much talking/texting...And that he keeps talking about moving away. It's interesting that he mentions this disclaimer, giving you the chance to bail early, since knows you would not move. Enjoy this while it lasts..

I was trying so hard to break my harrowing cycle, and I did. It lead to me a relationship. He didn't want me to see others and him, as this freaks him out. .I get into this mode of overcommunicating and making plans and doing it to seek reassurance.

[Honeycomb8]

No matter what it's only been 4 dates. I think a guy that is scared you'll change your mind and comes on this strong has issues.

 

And he did mention the thing about moving away. I'd take note.

[Alex39]

So things have still been okay.

 

When we had our day together, he said how maybe we can meetup the next day for dinner. We talked all the next day but never made plans. I just blew it off as no big deal. He needed a day to himself.

 

 

He came to my place Sunday. He had work off all day long.

 

It was weird. He calls me saturday night. We are talking. He's being really sweet. Saying stuff about how he has had an idea in his head about how he would propose to someone. And talking about marriage. We both agree, way down the line.

 

It was fun just talking about it. He tells me he is coming to my place Sunday. I say okay. I tell him I have homework but am free after. He says he will do his own thing all morning and come in the afternoon. We say goodnight. He says he is going to bed.

 

Over an hour later, he calls me again. I answer and make sure he is okay, since he was sleeping. He said he woke up and was thinking of something and wanted to ask me.

 

He asked me "If we were married and I got a job in ******* place, would you move with me"

 

I didn't bat a lash and said yes. As his girlfriend no, but he said marriage so yes I'd move with my husband. I asked him where this was coming from. He said he was just thinking and wondering.

 

He then went back to sleep. I wake up the next morning and we are snap chatting and texting, but he says nothing about plans. He sends me a picture of him playing video games. I ask him twice if he is coming amongst our conversation and he ignores it for other parts of the conversation. I grow frustrated because I had started preparing dinner for him for when he came.

 

Then he seems distant for a while. Not answering me. I ask him if something is wrong, he says kinda. I start feeling weird. Not sure what to think. I tell him so and he says he has no idea what I am talking about. I say I have no idea what he is talking about. I am left quite confused for a while. He finally comes back, acts fine, telling me he is just sitting at home. I ask one final time if he is coming over. He says he was waiting to see if I was done with my homework.

 

It was all clearly a miscommunication. He heada over and we have a great night. He stays super late into the morning. We enjoy our time together. He leaves. I go to work Monday and I don't hear from him all day. It is super unlike him. He drops off our conversation and he's not at work.

 

Finally at 10 pm he calls me saying he fell asleep and didnt check his phone for a while. I tell him its fine. He made it a point to call me this morning to talk again.

 

Things seem good. I really like him. He is going away to see his family this weekend. So I am making plans of my own to occupy my time.

 

He mentioned yesterday that maybe we can see each other tonight, but he has yet to make a plan with me for anything for that. Whatever. He wants time to himself, so I'm making plans for me. I just think its weird he will say we might see each other but never confirns or denies it, just ignores it. I hope he isn't waiting on me to make the plan.

[figureitout23]

Before the brigade comes in xoxo, what did you hope to accomplish with this post? Honest question, I am genuinely curious. Were on Page 22 so you know how this is going to go. You are pointing out negatives and concerns and people are going to respond and tell you that they warned you and you need to be single, these are red flags. No matter what is said, you choose to follow your own path which, as you see, I support, but again it confuses me, your posting style. You get on the defense when they’re your own words...

[katrina1980]

Agree with fio, I’m a bit baffled myself.

 

Yup, big red flags waving here; I mean all this marriage talk (yikes!), telling you he’ll be over, then ignoring, falling asleep, and all the many other mixed messages.

 

amk seriously girl, what are you thinking? What story are you telling yourself that justifies all this craziness? I am not being flip, I would seriously like to know.

[Wiseman2]

He sounds flaky. Does he have mood or substance use problems? Did he invite himself over? It sounds like he was loading you with what you want to hear in anticipation of going to your place...overnight. Is he dating locally? Does he have a girl/ex back where his parents live? It sounds like he's backing off for whatever reason.

He tells me he is coming to my place Sunday. I say okay. I ask one final time if he is coming over. He heada over and we have a great night. He stays super late into the morning. I don't hear from him all day.

[reinventmyself]

I followed in the beginning, a whole 200 posts ago and catch up in the end to see the same thing being played out.

What is it you want to gain from posting here? Just curiouso.

[Batya33]

He’s blowing hot and cold after knowing you a month and acting flaky and over the top. And you are again getting sucked in because now it’s a challenge. He doesn’t need space. He simply is inconsiderate about the plans he makes with you but enjoys hearing you say you want to marry him and move away to be with him. While he plays video games and conveniently leaves his phone somewhere. He’s full of it and you’re eating it up.

[Metaltwin70]

'He’s full of it and you’re eating it up.'

 

I'm afraid to say that I agree with this.......

[Capricorn3]

I followed in the beginning, a whole 200 posts ago and catch up in the end to see the same thing being played out.

What is it you want to gain from posting here? Just curiouso.

I wanted to ask the same thing too.

[katrina1980]

Oh shoot, when I saw the thread had jumped to the top, I was hoping it was the OP returning answering our questions!

 

Now I am wondering if she even reads them.

[Alex39]

I am reading them. I swear. I was waiting to see how things were going and was just trying to let some time pass to see if I can navigate things myself. We are still together. Things are mostly great, but I still have a bit of an uneasy pit in my stomach.

 

He went on a two week vacation with his family. I knew of this and it was no big deal. I also knew he was going for this big promotion at work. I assumed when he got back from his vacation we would see each other. He comes back and I was busy the day of. The next day he goes back to work. We had ben texting and talking on the phone almost daily. He even complained that I wasn't sharing enough of my life with him and he wanted to know more of what I was doing. I remember feeling weird, thinking 'you were the one that went away, not me' but I tried to communicate more and things seemed good.

 

Our schedules just seemed to conflict. I gave it time and knew the next weekend would be it. We make plans for me to go out to him Friday night. Have some dinner, and catch up. Friday comes and I am talking to him on the phone.

 

I wanted this romantic and long catch up night with him. It had been three weeks. He starts saying how he has all these exams he has to take for work, and he is studying non-stop. He isn't a good test taker and he seemed extremely on edge and anxious. He had to pass many exams to move up and get the promotion.

 

He then starts saying how he can't hangout long tonight and he is excited to see me, but he doesn't want me to feel bad if he has to study and can't solely have a night just him and I.

 

I started growing irritated that he seemed to not be able to prioritize time to spend with me. I told him I was no longer coming, because it didn't seem like he could give me any of his time. He knew I was mad. I couldn't hide it. He kept telling me that once this big promotion and tests was over, he would be back to his regular schedule and back to being with me more. So I wait. We continue to communicate. He calls me and we text.

 

He starts his exams the Sunday after, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. He was very stressed and anxious. He would tell me on the phone that he had to go to these classes and that they would openly ask them questions in front of others and you had to give the right answer out loud and it caused him to be nervous, and he was getting some things wrong. He kept studying constantly.

 

I just felt this to be weird. I am in graduate school myself. I am a different person. I don't need to study a lot. I just don't. He does. But I don't study morning, noon, and night. He would send me pictures of all his flashcards and books he was reading. I knew he was studying. But you couldn't find a few hours to dedicate to see me. He continued to tell me he loved me and he was so grateful that I supported him in this, and that even his family wasn't as supportive as me.

 

A month goes by. I figure this is it, we will finally reunite. The last leg of his promotion was his company sending him across the country to do these physical trials that he had to pass. More testing. He assured me that this was it. If he passes this, then he gets the promotion and is in the free and clear.

 

I figured he would want to see me before he left. He didn't. He communicated with me, but was then studying for he trials constantly before he left. I grew frustrated. On the brink of ending our relationship. I deserved more.

 

He knew I was annoyed and neglected. I didn't hide it. He told me to get the doubt out of my head about him and how he cared so much about me and he was going to marry me someday.

 

But I reminded him that actions speak louder than words in my book, and as sweet as his words are and I wanted to believe him, not seeing someone in 4 weeks was not very convincing.

 

Finally after one more week. He passed his exams and he drove out to see me Friday afternoon. We were all over each other and I did miss him a lot. He told me he was working Sunday, but he could spend Friday, Friday night, and Saturday for most of the day with me. After 5 weeks, I was expecting some time with him.

 

He got here and we were all over each other. We then went out for a nice dinner, and then spent the rest of the night shopping for Christmas gifts together. He kept asking me what I wanted for Christmas. We had a fun time and I enjoyed myself. We held hands and he seemed really happy too. When we headed back to my house, we were exhausted, so we went to bed. Fooled around a bit, then passed out.

 

We woke in the morning, got into it again, and then he wanted to take me for breakfast. We took a shower together and got all ready. We went out and grabbed breakfast. He and I came back by 10AM and he helped me with some stuff around my house, but then said he should go. He said he had laundry and chores to do, before his busy work day on Sunday, the next day. It was not even 11AM yet. I figured he would spend a bit more time with me, since it had been 5 weeks. He left and everything seemed fine. We kissed goodbye and were saying sweet things. He kept kissing me.

 

I just had this little uneasy pit in my stomach. Why did he leave so early? To do laundry? We talked on the phone on and off for the rest of the day. He was just home doing chores and such. I just figured he would have wanted to spend more time with me. He called me twice and I called him once and we did chat during the day. He called me before bed just to talk to me. For weeks now he had been telling me he is going to surprise me one weekend day and take me on a trip. He preaches he is still going to do this and he says it will be when I least expect it. I am excited. But I will see if what he says becomes reality.

 

I am going away to my family for Thanksgiving on Wednesday. It was weird, but he says he really would like to see me before I go, and maybe I can go out to him. I said I might be able to. But then he says he is working, so I don't know how he thought that would happen. But we'll see.

 

I care about him a lot, and he seems to care for me, but I continue to have a tiny pit of doubt about him deep in my stomach. It isn't huge doubt. Like with my ex, my intuition was screaming at me, that this was wrong. I don't feel that, but just a tiny pit. He keeps telling me over and over that he loves me way more than I love him, and I have no idea how much he loves me inside. Maybe that is true. I guess I will just have to see about that. I do love him, but I just feel a bit scared.

[Batya33]

I think the problem is you weren't supportive of him when he had a huge work/school thing going on and decided instead to vent to him when he was already under stress. So now he might feel a little less motivated to spend extra time with you and prioritize seeing you. He was away about half of those 5 weeks, right? And returned to a really stressful time in his life -a temporarily stressful time. And you in my opinion didn't step up to the plate with support and encouragement. Instead you were whiny and added to his stress. That's just how I see it. Obviously he may not have been as into spending time as he should be but in this case I think you showed him that you're not willing to be a team player when he has crucially important things going on in his professional life. Who cares if you study less -it's irrelevant. This is how he does it.

[Alex39]

Yes, I can see what you are saying.

 

Truly, I did realize this about halfway through, and then I did support him 100%. I kept telling him how proud I was of him, and how much I want him to get this and be happy. I even surprised him with a gift when he got here, to celebrate him getting the promotion. I tried to show him and tell him I was proud of him and supportive of him. I think at first I just didn't understand and I took the lack of effort to be a bad thing against me. In my past, my ex would take off for extended periods of time and make all these excuses that what he was doing was important, but it wasn't, I wasn't. So I immediately got defensive when he couldn't see me, because I took it as excuses not to see me. I was always under the impression that if a man really wanted to see you, he would, no matter what was going on in his life.

 

I also felt that if I sat around like a door mat that he would think I was fine with his extended absence and that I would be treated as such. I felt I also needed to stand my ground and be confident in what I expect in a relationship, because then man will just do whatever to you.

 

I guess I do see your point and I feel terrible if he felt as though I didn't support him. I tried to be supportive and give him encouraging words and the gift, which wasn't something crazy, but something thoughtful that showed I was thinking of him and proud of him.

[Batya33]

Yes, I can see what you are saying.

 

Truly, I did realize this about halfway through, and then I did support him 100%. I kept telling him how proud I was of him, and how much I want him to get this and be happy. I even surprised him with a gift when he got here, to celebrate him getting the promotion. I tried to show him and tell him I was proud of him and supportive of him. I think at first I just didn't understand and I took the lack of effort to be a bad thing against me. In my past, my ex would take off for extended periods of time and make all these excuses that what he was doing was important, but it wasn't, I wasn't. So I immediately got defensive when he couldn't see me, because I took it as excuses not to see me. I was always under the impression that if a man really wanted to see you, he would, no matter what was going on in his life.

 

I also felt that if I sat around like a door mat that he would think I was fine with his extended absence and that I would be treated as such. I felt I also needed to stand my ground and be confident in what I expect in a relationship, because then man will just do whatever to you.

 

I guess I do see your point and I feel terrible if he felt as though I didn't support him. I tried to be supportive and give him encouraging words and the gift, which wasn't something crazy, but something thoughtful that showed I was thinking of him and proud of him.

 

I'm glad you made better choices after. However you have to accept that the damage was done. Not fair at all for you to subject him to what happened in your past with an ex. He is a different person and he deserves to be treated as an individual, not a generic guy who will act like your ex. You didn't need to be a doormat either. You simply could have said with the appropriate tone "I am disappointed that we can't spend time together now and I know you're in the middle of a really stressful and busy time. I wish you all the best, happy to be supportive". Then if he tried to see you last minute you could say "Sorry ,I already made other plans because I knew you were busy. Happy to see you when you have time to make a plan." There is nothing doormat about being supportive of someone who has to study. The problem is you didn't trust him that it was all about his hectic schedule - you chose to take it personally, you chose to act on insecurities. If you don't trust him at this point there is no point in dating him.

 

You say you want a person who is intelligent and ambitious. News flash -that means that that person likely will get very intense and busy at certain times in order to reach his goals. Accept it or move on and accept that you can't take the downsides of intelligent/ambitious. That's fine - I can relate- I'm married to a really smart and ambitious guy. He's been like this since I met him 23 years ago and way before I met him. And that means a lot more work for me when it comes to solo parenting, unpredictable busy times at work, last minute business dinners (meaning last minute solo parenting, juggling my work schedule and sometimes having to cancel my social plans or not make them), different sleep schedules (because he does his best work at night and I am a morning person). I knew this about him literally the second I first met him at work (I'd already seen his bio so it was obvious), and he will never ever change. And I don't want him to. Do I ever vent/get whiny - of course. Not my finest moments. But I own it and apologize and so far so good. Also helps that I am smart and ambitious -it's one reason he wanted to get to know me in the first place. So I get it.

 

So - if you want intelligent/ambitious as you said you did many times, accept these downsides or move on now. Many many women will be happy to be supportive and a team player and will have plenty to do when plans change, when their partner is too stressed/too busy, etc.

 

Yes, "too busy" is not an excuse if the person never makes the time to see you- of course there are extremes. This is a very specific period in his professional life that is really intense, stressful and busy. I'm really glad you saw the light and understand he might not have gotten over the push back you gave him earlier.

 

I know what I have written is on the harsh side. You've said so many times that you want intelligent/ambitious and now you got it. And you mean well but you're also getting in your own way and pushing him away. And he's watching your reactions closely because he has to decide if you're going to have staying power for the long term. Do you?