Getting in my own head

[boltnrun]

Same old story again.

 

Alex, serious question (that I'm sure you'll ignore and write about something completely unrelated)...why do you keep doing this to yourself? I get that you enjoy all the heart wrenching drama, but why?

[Alex39]

I don't want drama. I hate this. Its miserable. He's hurt and distant. We had no drama up until recently.

 

I've known him longer than two weeks. We've been in a relationship for two weeks. Before that we were dating.

 

He's coming to see me this afternoon and now acting like nothing is wrong, but there is an awkwardness that I know is from everything yesterday. I ruined everything and I don't know how to fix it.

[boltnrun]

Well, you must enjoy it because you keep getting into "relationships" with men you barely know just because they give you a bit of attention.

 

Your rush to get a boyfriend is leading to some very poor choices. Yet you keep doing it.

 

So yeah, you're getting some kind of payoff here.

[mustlovedogs]

You don’t hate the drama. If you did, you wouldn’t keep making the same mistakes.

 

Go back to one of my recent posts. I called it. Know how I called it? Because you don’t change.

 

You are hurting both relationships.

 

You should feel bad.

[katrina1980]

OP, at the risk of talking to myself, if this guy dumps you over this, which it appears may happen, after a mere two weeks of being in a "relationship" and telling you he "loves" you bla bla, will you finally recognize you have deep issues (within yourself -- your bad choices in men, failure to recognize lovebombing, controlling, toxic behaviours, your tendency to get too attached too fast) and get some professional help?

[mustlovedogs]

amk, it’s been two weeks, correct?

 

You haven’t responded to anyone.

 

If it’s two weeks (or any short period of time!) and you bail on your mom, you’re inconsiderate, rude, and selfish.

 

She has sacrificed something already to come. Plus she’s your MOM. This guy... two weeks? Can’t even really call him a boyfriend because you *barely know each other*

 

I know you’ll go with the guy. I know it! And I hope your mom calls you on it. And I bet, too, in one month you’ll be back crying about how this guy broke your heart and you didn’t bring your mom and you regret it.

 

You have not learned one single thing in any of these posts. In one ear, out the other. You choose to be miserable. You choose to make bad decisions.

 

And you’re about to hurt your mom.

 

Congratulations. [emoji122]

 

Reshaping for emphasis...

[katrina1980]

>>So my best friend and I have been friends for four years.Recently, I feel a hint of anger towards her. She met an older guy and they started dating.

 

Two months in he moved far away accross the country, and she is like in love with him. I get annoyed when she rants about him, because she barely knows him.

 

Alex, the above quote is something you posted back in 2012 when you first joined this forum.

 

You were angry at your friend for (1) falling hard for some guy she only knew two months, and (2) feeling like she was choosing him over you.

 

Now several years later, this has now become your pattern, falling hard for guys you barely know, and rushing in, like your friend did, which you criticized her for.

 

And if you choose to take this guy instead of your mom, you will be doing to her what your friend did to you, that hurt you and made you so angry.

 

Something to consider, I found it interesting.

 

Reposting this too.

 

Especially the part about how hurt you were when your friend chose her new bf over you, and how you're doing to your mom what she did to you.

[katrina1980]

He claims he is just upset over the situation. He isn't happy or excited. He isn't him. I fear he will break up with me or our relationship will go down hill from here.

 

He claims he loves me and that isn't it. He's just frustrated. I wish none of this was happening. He was so happy that everythimg had been going perfect and he saw it as a sign of things going well and working out with us. He told his mom I was the one. He never felt this way for anyone. Now, he is so distant and emotionless. I can't take it. I've gotten over this. My mom too. He should too.

 

I want to take him. I've begged him. At one point he gave in. Then said he was too uncomfortable and I needed to take her. He felt guilty and couldn't do it.

 

I don't know what to do to make this better. I care so much for him and want to make him happy.

 

I know echo chamber, but I just had to.

 

OP, how do you not see this^ as lovebombing, controlling, now gaslighting, and completely inappropriate for a two WEEK relationship and dating at most two weeks before that, reading your prior posts from that time period?

 

What the H is going on, what is your thought process?

 

This is exactly how all your prior relationships started and ended, leaving you literally devastated, I would seriously like to know why you continue to put yourself through this!

 

Help me out here, I'd really like to understand.

[boltnrun]

I know echo chamber, but I just had to.

 

OP, how do you not see this^ as lovebombing, controlling, now gaslighting, and completely inappropriate for a two WEEK relationship and dating at most two weeks before that, reading your prior posts from that time period?

 

What the H is going on, what is your thought process?

 

This is exactly how all your prior relationships started and ended, leaving you literally devastated, I would seriously like to know why you continue to put yourself through this!

 

Help me out here, I'd really like to understand.

 

Must. Have. Boyfriend.

 

Alex, I know you're in a lot of pain. But it's self inflicted. You refuse to get to know a man before you declare him "boyfriend ". Because of this you attract men who are just as anxious and just as broken as you are.

 

Please tell your parents you need help. I know they would want to help you.

[katrina1980]

Must. Have. Boyfriend.

 

Alex, I know you're in a lot of pain. But it's self inflicted. You refuse to get to know a man before you declare him "boyfriend ". Because of this you attract men who are just as anxious and just as broken as you are.

 

Please tell your parents you need help. I know they would want to help you.

 

Thnx Bolt.

 

Makes sense given her mindset.

 

Good luck Alex, I truly hope someday you will find some peace and happiness within -- with or without a boyfriend.

[katrina1980]

amk, I really am trying to help so I hope you will read and listen to what I am about to say.

 

You told us you’ve been "begging" him to come with you. I don’t know to what extent, but in any event, please be careful with any sort of begging and pleading, especially in these very fragile, precarious early stages.

 

He may believe he loves (loved) you but the fact is, it’s just too soon to know that for certain. And seeing you begging and pleading (crying?), showing any type of weakness like that is a huge turn off for a man, for anyone really.

 

IF he does choose to end whatever it is you have developed after 2-4 weeks, I would not be so quick to assume it’s because you initially wanted to take your mom.

 

It could very possibly be because of your behavior now, the begging, the not standing up for yourself, the desperation for a relationship at any cost; he is seeing a side of you now that isn’t very appealing to him, so again moving forward, please please be very careful with that, with him or any men going forward.

 

Best of luck.

[Batya33]

I don't want drama. I hate this. Its miserable. He's hurt and distant. We had no drama up until recently.

 

I've known him longer than two weeks. We've been in a relationship for two weeks. Before that we were dating.

 

He's coming to see me this afternoon and now acting like nothing is wrong, but there is an awkwardness that I know is from everything yesterday. I ruined everything and I don't know how to fix it.

 

Sorry. I thought you met him for the first time on March 29. You posted on 3/8 and then again on 3/29 where you reported that the set up hadn't panned out and then you met an online guy after a few days of talkin. So the earliest you met him was, let's say, what - 3/11? 3/12??? And you posted last week that you two had already discussed this work trip. So when the work trip came up you'd only met three weeks earlier at most, right???

[Jibralta]

Must. Have. Boyfriend.

 

At all costs.

 

She’s a runaway train.

[calichick007]

All this after two weeks. Two weeks?! "He's not himself!" You don't even know who "himself" is. He's showing you who he is -- overbearing, bratty, manipulative, entitled, controlling, and a poor communicator. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, you've convinced yourself that the fantasy version of him you've concocted in your head is the "real" him and his actual behavior is some anomaly. This level of mental gymnastics says a lot about your self-esteem (low) and level of desperation (sky high).

[Batya33]

You posted this on 1/22. What happened for you to change your mindset so fast?

 

 

That's not reality. Real life is communication and talking out your issues as a team. He was very immarure and almost couldn't handle bursting his perfect future life bubble.

 

I see this now. Its unfortunate things ended the way they did. But if it is meant to be, it will be. And it should be easy and less stress. After three months, a relationship should not involve a drunken attack on the phone. That was so wrong. I should have seen it then. Alcohol can sometimes enhance who someone really is. He was scary. Not the life I want or deserve. I was good to him.

 

I need to find someone more on my wave length with my goals.

 

Where we support each other, not just one person's plan and the other follows.

 

I am not looking for anyone right now. My job is busy and my life is busy. I'm content focusing on my professional and self growth.

 

I'm back to my life before him and have resumed my goals and plan for the long term.

 

and this on 2/26

 

I know its okay to be excited, but also smart to be rational. Head not heart. I am a bit lonely and I really would love to meet someone. My life is so happy and complete and I would like to share it with someone.

 

I really truly do not want to do that again. Jump in and get hurt. I'm excited to meet someone...meet being the prime word.

 

I am determined to keep my focus to my lifestyle, goals, and overall health. I make smart, sound decisions. I do not need anyone changing me or telling me what to do. I am bettering my life right now for me. If someone cares about me, they should like me for me and support me.

 

I truly think if I meet someone good, it should be slow and easy. It should just flow which will be comfortable. I shouldn't have that red flag feeling in my stomach. I want to take time to really get to know someone and make sure red flags aren't there from the start and at the beginning.

[figureitout23]

 

So yeah, you're getting some kind of payoff here.

 

Bingo. So are we, thinking we’ll crack the code, we aren’t...

 

*goes back to echo chamber with popcorn to watch the show*

[katrina1980]

Bingo. So are we, thinking we’ll crack the code, we aren’t...

 

*goes back to echo chamber with popcorn to watch the show*

 

LOL @ crack the code.

 

That's actually a great way of putting it!

 

It's like a mystery that we MUST solve!!

 

And through hell or high water, we're gonna solve it!! LOL

[boltnrun]

It's not that complex.

 

Alex, you are frantic for a boyfriend. ALL your friends are married or have boyfriends and you are embarrassed and ashamed to be "the ONLY one" who's single. This leads you to eagerly leap on any man who gives you the slightest crumb of attention. Which then leads you to choose poorly because you are so desperate to have a boyfriend you aren't taking even a minimum amount of time to get to know any of the 4 or 5 men who have been your "boyfriend" since you started this thread.

 

It's really painful to read. What's even more painful is your refusal to acknowledge you might, just might, be going about getting a boyfriend the wrong way. You just keep doing the same thing over and over and manage to learn NOT ONE THING from your awful experiences.

 

Please tell your parents you are in urgent need of counseling. I'm sure they will give you the $100 per week you say therapy costs.

[figureitout23]

It's not that complex.

 

Alex, you are frantic for a boyfriend. ALL your friends are married or have boyfriends and you are embarrassed and ashamed to be "the ONLY one" who's single. This leads you to eagerly leap on any man who gives you the slightest crumb of attention. Which then leads you to choose poorly because you are so desperate to have a boyfriend you aren't taking even a minimum amount of time to get to know any of the 4 or 5 men who have been your "boyfriend" since you started this thread.

 

It's really painful to read. What's even more painful is your refusal to acknowledge you might, just might, be going about getting a boyfriend the wrong way. You just keep doing the same thing over and over and manage to learn NOT ONE THING from your awful experiences.

 

Please tell your parents you are in urgent need of counseling. I'm sure they will give you the $100 per week you say therapy costs.

 

I disagree bolt.

 

I used to agree, but now just seeing these latest responses especially, I think it IS that complex and I don’t think we truly comprehend what’s going on.

 

A.) because we’re receiving her interpretation of these situations. Due to trauma she states her view of things is slanted. So is her boyfriend upset because he’s crossing boundaries or did she make it seem like he’s crossing boundaries when all he did was agree to go? Is the mother refusing to go because the mother has boundary issues or is she refusing to go because Alex painted it that she didn’t really want the Mom to go... you know I’m a huge fan or reading between the lines there’s just a lot about this latest... fiasco that’s just incredibly dramatic and I’m not so sure where it’s coming from.

B.) it’s gotten so bad now 9 times out of 10 we aren’t even acknowledged. The only other poster I’ve seen do that is the one dude who’s been stalking his ex wife for 5 years believing she’s still jealous of him, and we know there’s something off there. There’s a definite disconnect. What that is I have no idea but I do not think this is a basic girl who needs a boyfriend we’ve encountered those on this board. This is different.

 

I know I’m like a broken record but I really and truly think whatever is going on in her head is leaps and bounds above our heads.

[katrina1980]

@fio, I think there is something deeper going on too, I have my suspicions what it is, but would never say it here.

 

Not important, only that it's something deeper and goes far beyond anything we can help her with.

 

Her not learning anything after 70 pages and not acknowledging (or even interested in) our posts is a clear indication of that imo. But no doubt there is probably more.

 

That said, I agree with bolt too. She is desperate for a boyfriend, and as such she does choose men poorly.

 

She continues to make the same mistakes because either she's unable to learn or not interested in learning.

 

What's the definitely of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

 

I'm not saying amk is insane, course not. But hopefully if she's reading this (huge If), she understands what I mean.

 

I am not sure what it's going to take for her to acknowledge she needs professional help.

 

Another physically abusive RL? God I hope not!!!

[Wiseman2]

Go with your mother. She is the only constant in your life and the only one who sticks around.

[frustrated1]

I’ve been following this thread for some time but have not felt compelled to respond until now. However I am sure that you will probably not read this, or perhaps you will and it just won’t penetrate, but I’m hoping that someone’s response might get through to you. First off you don’t know who he is, so you saying he is not being himself is not really possible for you to gauge. In fact I think this situation has actually caused him to show you his true colours, and you are simply choosing to ignore it (as you seem to do whenever something someone says or does, does not fit in with your perception or is not something you want to hear). Secondly the fact that you are willing to essentially push your MOTHER aside for a guy whom you have known for a few weeks, is just baffling to me. It really just underscored how desperate you really are for a relationship. Two weeks in is farrrr too early to be making trip and vacation plans, and months in advance too. Both of you actually sound quite codependent and desperate to be with someone. I can only see this codependency growing in the future, likely leading to a very dysfunctional relationship. You also state that you have not had any problems up until this point.... again.... it’s been two weeks!! There should be no problems.

[Jibralta]

deleted...............