Getting in my own head

[Batya33]

My life in general. I had a severe issue with second guessing myself left over from a toxic ex. He always made me think how I felt wasn't right nor justified. So I started second guessing. Eventually I did it so much that it seeped into every avenue of my life. I would get upset and anxiety ridden at ordering at a restaurant and thinking I ordered the wrong thing, because what I wanted couldn't be right.

 

She helped me get out of this terrible habit where I do make sound decisions for myself and feel confident in them as my feelings are not wrong.

 

Yes, so you identified the choices you are making that are not working (and blaming it on an ex but this was a long time ago, right? what have you done since then to help yourself make better choices?). So now that you've identified part of your unproductive choices, the next step is to identify a professional who can facilitate you in reestablishing ways to make better choices.

[Alex39]

I can't afford counseling or therapy right now.

 

I truly don't know why I am so strong in my everyday life, but men turn me to jello.

 

I don't know why. I just feel like I know I'm successful, accomplished and kind.

 

I truly have my stuff together. I think I feel like "Oh this guy doesn't see this, guess I have to try harder for him to see my wonderful"

 

And if I win him into seeing how wonderful I am, then I am deserving. I am worthy. I always have wanted someone to fight for me. Never just let me go.

[boltnrun]

I can't afford counseling or therapy right now.

 

I truly don't know why I am so strong in my everyday life, but men turn me to jello.

 

I don't know why. I just feel like I know I'm successful, accomplished and kind.

 

I truly have my stuff together. I think I feellike "Oh this guy doesn't see this, guess I have to try harder for him to see my wonderful"

 

I don't know how you can say all that and conclude that therapy is a no-go.

 

Do you want to spend the next 25 years going through this every few weeks?

[Alex39]

I don't have an extra $100 a week to go. I have too much debt to pay. I can't not eat or pay rent. Counseling is expensive

[reinventmyself]

I don't have an extra $100 a week to go. I have too much debt to pay. I can't not eat or pay rent. Counseling is expensive

 

go every other week?

 

""I just feel like I know I'm successful, accomplished and kind. "" ? a little contradictory.

[boltnrun]

So you are just going to continue doing what you're doing?

 

Have you re-read this thread from page one? Can you not see this is a continuous loop you have been on for a long time?

 

What do you think will happen if you decide not to see this guy again?

[Batya33]

Moving target. First it's your toxic ex then the cutesie/can't help myself "men turn me to jello". Please. Yes you can afford counseling -go to a religious counselor, seek out someone with a sliding scale, etc. You can't not afford counseling because sooner or later, like a toddler who doesn't know the stove is hot, you will ignore common sense and get yourself physically beat up or heaven forbid raped. That's the path you're on right now.

 

Or decide not to date or meet new men until you can afford counseling and get the seal of approval from a counselor to get back out there. As many on here know I am a big fan of working on oneself while dating. So for me to say stop dating takes a lot. But since I am afraid for your physical safety just like I would be afraid my son wouldn't remember to look both ways were he crossing a really busy street and there was something on the other side that made him feel like jello, I'm going to strongly suggest that you not interact with men for any dating purposes right now.

[boltnrun]

You wrote this on 8/8/18:

"I'm strughling to feel good with myself. I keep second guessing myself. I know I am doing it. I keep trying to push it off. I'm a catch. Smart, pretty, accomplished career. He sees it. I keep searching for signs does he like me, does he not? I worry way to much is someone will like me and I want to stop, but the thoughts and feelings overcome me"

 

And you wrote this today:

"I truly don't know why I am so strong in my everyday life, but men turn me to jello.

 

I don't know why. I just feel like I know I'm successful, accomplished and kind.

 

I truly have my stuff together. I think I feel like "Oh this guy doesn't see this, guess I have to try harder for him to see my wonderful"

 

And if I win him into seeing how wonderful I am, then I am deserving. I am worthy."

 

 

How do you feel you have evolved in the past 8 months?

[katrina1980]

You're getting super good advice here Alex.

 

I've mentioned before but I recall your thread on a different forum discussing your past toxic abusive (physically and mentally) long term relationship.

 

I don't believe you have ever healed from that and because of that, your pattern of choosing toxic, unhealthy men continues.

 

Re this guy, my goodness, telling you he loves you after the first meet, crying (literally) about a past girlfriend, Alex you have had one meet!

 

How do not see how unstable, toxic and unhealthy this is? He is?

 

Yet it endears you to him, which has me worried for your safety too. Because it's unstable men like this that turn out to be abusive like your last ex was. Verbally, mentally.

 

Fortunately he ghosted you and you eventually were able to extricate yourself mentally and emotionally but I shudder to think what would have happened had he not ghosted.

 

Abuse escalates, often into the physical.

 

You've experienced all this before Alex, you seem aware, if you cannot afford therapy then how about reading some great books on interpersonal relationships, abusive relationships, co-dependency, attachment style, love addiction.

 

For some reason that I don't understand you seem averse to reading and understanding, to helping yourself.

 

I do wish you the best though, I hope someday you will get out of this toxic loop you've placed yourself in, and find a great guy who loves you.

 

This man does not!

[Alex39]

I do read a ton of that stuff already. I practically have it memotized. Its like I meet someone new and every person is different and I relate to differently. I am very understanding and accepting of people, because I know I am not perfect either.

[mustlovedogs]

I do read a ton of that stuff already. I practically have it memotized. Its like I meet someone new and every person is different and I relate to differently. I am very understanding and accepting of people, because I know I am not perfect either.

 

Why were you ok with him saying he loves you after one meet?

[Alex39]

I wasn't. When I questioned him on it, he said he meant he loved my personality and talking to me

[mustlovedogs]

I wasn't. When I questioned him on it, he said he meant he loved my personality and talking to me

 

And you’re still ok with that?

[Batya33]

No. I don’t think you’re understanding and accepting of people in any relevant way. Being desperate for a man and settling for scraps and ignoring red flags just means you’re desperate. People feel understood and accepted when a person who is reasonably confident and secure in herself acts in an understanding and accepting way and also sets reasonable boundaries. A person who tolerates inappropriate behavior from a stranger out of desperation just comes across as lacking in boundaries and insecure. It’s when you respond to a person’s decision to be vulnerable and share sensitive and perhaps atypical or controversial information without judgment that you are acting in an understanding and accepting way even if you then decide not to associate with that person without specific boundaries.

 

For example a new friend of mine shared with me that she is having medical and psychological problems. I listen to her and try to be there for her and I’ve decided not to make more plans to see her because she’s not in a place where she can keep plans and I’m in a place where I don’t have that time to waste. I won’t take her calls at night. And I won’t let her drive my child in her car because of her meds even though I want to spend time with her and her child and her driving might make it easier. So I will assert boundaries so that I care for myself and family. And still be understanding and accepting.

Please stop telling yourself stories about how it’s so positive you are understanding and accepting to justify acting desperate.

[katrina1980]

I do read a ton of that stuff already. I practically have it memotized. Its like I meet someone new and every person is different and I relate to differently. I am very understanding and accepting of people, because I know I am not perfect either.

 

I am curious what you're reading because it doesn't appear you're taking anything with you from what you've read.

 

It's great to be accepting of people, I am too for the most part, but that doesn't mean accepting of unstable or inappropriate behavior like a man "lovebombing" me with compliments and crying about ex girlfriends, especially after only meeting me once, but ever really.

 

And how are all these guys so different? As another poster said earlier, different face, same story. These men are all "wounded" in some way or another, they shower with you compliments before getting a chance to know you, and this guy in particular, literally crying over an ex gf, how is this an appropriate thing for a man to do or say to a woman he is trying to date and impress?

 

Can you clarify your thought process about that?

 

Anyway, I've said my peace, tried to help. At this point, and I mean absolutely no offense, I don't think any of us can help you. And since you're not taking anything from the reading you've done, I think the only thing left is therapy, someone good and qualified to counsel on love addiction (which is a very real addiction), among other things, but until you can afford, I suppose you will just continue your pattern of choosing toxic unstable men/relationships.

 

Have you thought at all about starting a journal (on this forum)? It appears you really like to write, and I encourage that, I think writing can be very cathartic and healing.

 

Best of luck on your journey Alex.

[figureitout23]

My life in general. I had a severe issue with second guessing myself left over from a toxic ex. He always made me think how I felt wasn't right nor justified. So I started second guessing. Eventually I did it so much that it seeped into every avenue of my life. I would get upset and anxiety ridden at ordering at a restaurant and thinking I ordered the wrong thing, because what I wanted couldn't be right.

 

She helped me get out of this terrible habit where I do make sound decisions for myself and feel confident in them as my feelings are not wrong.

 

I can deffinetely see that.

 

The way you let responders talk to you alone. I’d be cussing people out left and right.

 

But I’m not here to point fingers or judge from afar which seems to have become a pastime and addiction with you and posters, it’s the same thing over and over and over and over, you complain you receive harsh criticism you ignore it complain some more the criticism continues you go away for a bit come back complaining some more.

 

I honestly am so interested what you would write about a guy you had to work hard to find flaws. I’m not saying this guy isn’t bad news, I glossed over what he did and it didn’t sound good but you START OFF describing these men’s flaws, knowing full well you choose to stay almost like you want posters to give you a hard time.

 

Look at the pattern

 

You explain the flaws in these men

 

We tell you it’s a red flag

 

You defend and cling harder

 

You come back complaining more

 

We tell you this and that

 

You cling more

 

You are getting something out of this and it’s not lessons.

 

I’m glad you saw a counselor and I’m glad your counselor saw issues to face, my best advice since you can’t afford to see them anymore is read up on the condition see what drives you to do this. I’m almoat positive your interactions with us is driven by these issues. Has to be. I try to imagine but I can’t seem to think of any other person or poster who has nothing but negativity to say about their dates pretty much each time before you even met, but pursue it anyway.

 

I kinda think it’s funny how you keep getting advised to date normally ( I gave that advice too ) at this point unfortunately I don’t think you would know what to do with a ‘normal’ guy.

 

You can though if you dig deep you can pinpoint what’s driving you and make active choices tochange it, you have to want to though.

[Batya33]

"I kinda think it’s funny how you keep getting advised to date normally ( I gave that advice too ) at this point unfortunately I don’t think you would know what to do with a ‘normal’ guy. ""

 

Yes, I'm done advising that (late to the game I know). Reminds me of a friend who was so exasperated with me over 20 years ago because I kept finding fault with "normal" guys and complaining about how I wanted to be married -she said basically even if Tom Cruise pursued me it wouldn't be enough. In hindsight, she had a point. I vehemently disagreed with her then (no, not that I wanted T.C.).

[Jibralta]

Look at the pattern

 

You explain the flaws in these men

 

We tell you it’s a red flag

 

You defend and cling harder

 

You come back complaining more

 

We tell you this and that

 

You cling more

 

You are getting something out of this and it’s not lessons.

 

I think you're spot on with this.

 

In fact, back in 2017, I said almost the same thing in her "Are these huge red flags" thread:

 

She actually ignores her own observations and insights as well. In almost every one of her posts, she astutely identifies potential problems. Then she spends the rest of the post convincing herself that her observation wasn't correct. Take, for example, her recent post where she learned that he was still in contact with his ex, and where he talked on and on about himself without listening to anything that she had to say.

 

And even before that, in her "guy who seems way too busy for a relationship" thread:

 

Your instincts are actually quite good right up to the point where you start doubting yourself. You need to cancel that self-doubt out.

 

Maybe she's cursed. Like Sisyphus and the Rock.

 

Or, she's a very clever troll.

[katrina1980]

I don't think Alex is a clever troll, but I do wonder and find it a bit baffling why she hasn't learned anything from all her experiences, which is the best way to learn, and/or by all the reading she claims she's been doing.

 

I mean this thread is now 65 pages, describes experiences with at least 4-5 different guys, different face, same story, and it appears she has learned absolutely nothing.

 

I'm thinking now her issues run much deeper than any of us can help with, or even help herself with, sadly and unfortunately.

 

A visit with a qualified medical professional is what's best, but since she refuses, not much more there is to say.

 

As I said though, Alex, writing your thoughts/feelings down does help and is quite cathartic, specifically about your past long term abusive relationship, which you have touched on here but explained in more detail on another forum, that I have read. Which is why I suggested creating the journal. Either here or privately.

 

Journaling has certainly helped me! I keep my own private journal.

 

Not sure if what's happening now is due to your not healing from that relationship, or if it's something even deeper than that.

 

A qualified med professional could help sort it out.

 

Can your parents help with the cost?

[Alex39]

So I have been seeing the guy for a while now and we have slowed down. Things have been really positive. We go out, have fun, and love each others company. We are exclusive and its been a really solid thing. We go out to eat and just want to have fun with each other.

 

He's kind, attentive and we have phenomenal communication.

 

This is solid. I feel confident and calm. He does too. We are excited for fun activities for the summer time.

 

I'm genuinely happy with him.

 

One thing I struggle with now is splitting my time between him and my family. Months back a work trip came about. My family didn't want me going by myself so my mom said she would come with me. Its a free hotel through work and my boss promoted I bring someone to see the sights.

 

My mom took time off work for it, but we never made a clear defined plan.

 

I mentioned it now to my boyfriend and he wants to go with me. I was so excited he wants to go. But now I'm stuck in the middle of him and my mom. My mom is so hurt and upset that now she is second choice and she took the time and I'm ditching her. I feel horrible about this. She is devastated. We never fight, but we had a huge fight. I love her. She is my best friend. We have made up, but I can still tell she is hurt. She told me if I really want to go with him I should go, but she will second guess making any future plans with me.

 

Again, I feel terrible about this.

 

I don't know who to go with or what to d. My boyfriend is so excited and he is sending me stuff on things what we can do there together. He told his parents. They are so happy for us.

 

What do I do?

[Jibralta]

Bring your mom.

 

You've known this guy for two weeks.

[Batya33]

I would go with your mom and then plan a trip in a few months with your boyfriend. Why are they "so happy" for you two -is it a trip to a once in a lifetime type destination? When is the trip? I don't see why you can't plan a trip for you and your new boyfriend for a time when you've been dating longer? My husband took me to Europe after we'd been dating two months -my parents were a little concerned but had met him and knew a lot about him (and no, we were not having sex yet and waited for months) and I'd known him through work for months. Great trip. Also since it is a work trip be very careful about bringing someone you don't know well. If you two don't get along it might affect your work while you're there or even your job.

[figureitout23]

Bring your mom.

 

You've known this guy for two weeks.

 

Agree with this.

 

I almost typed 'I dont get why there such a rush' but after 70 pages of this, Im lying, I know how this goes, and Im not going to say anything against it because I know thats not what youre actually here for

 

So as a member of the echo chamber/sounding board I say bring your mom

[katrina1980]

I vote for take your mom too.

 

I know from experience that two weeks dating, or even a month, is way too soon to be traveling together, even for a couple of days.

 

Even more importantly though is that you first agreed to have your mom join you, as you consider her your best friend, she took time off work and everything.

 

Don't be that friend and daughter who will make a "semi-plan" but then take it back when your new bf says he wants to come, no wonder your mom feels so hurt.

[Alex39]

I know. I going with my mother.

 

I just care about him so much. I fear breaking the news to him because he is so excited and keeps talking about it.

 

His work is tough right now. He messages me he is miserable. He's looking for new jobs. He talks that our trip is something good to look forward to.

 

I don't want to rip it away from him. He's a wonderful man. He treats me so well. I can't picture my life without him. He says the same about me.

 

I am so scared to tell him I am going with my mom. And because we aren't going, I won't see him for two weeks because the days we spend together I have to go on the trip.