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Everything posted by frustrated1

  1. I’ve been following this thread for some time but have not felt compelled to respond until now. However I am sure that you will probably not read this, or perhaps you will and it just won’t penetrate, but I’m hoping that someone’s response might get through to you. First off you don’t know who he is, so you saying he is not being himself is not really possible for you to gauge. In fact I think this situation has actually caused him to show you his true colours, and you are simply choosing to ignore it (as you seem to do whenever something someone says or does, does not fit in with your perception or is not something you want to hear). Secondly the fact that you are willing to essentially push your MOTHER aside for a guy whom you have known for a few weeks, is just baffling to me. It really just underscored how desperate you really are for a relationship. Two weeks in is farrrr too early to be making trip and vacation plans, and months in advance too. Both of you actually sound quite codependent and desperate to be with someone. I can only see this codependency growing in the future, likely leading to a very dysfunctional relationship. You also state that you have not had any problems up until this point.... again.... it’s been two weeks!! There should be no problems.
  2. First let me say, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can only imagine how this has taken a toll on your self-esteem. Personally I am against porn for this reason and others. Porn addiction is real, and men who watch it frequently require more and more stimulation in order to get turned on. It gets to the point that almost no real woman is enough to get a man excited. This has been shown in numerous studies in neuropsychology. I hope this makes you realize that the problem is not you. I have had friends with the same issues. Their boyfriends would rather watch porn then sleep with them. So it comes down to either him admitting he has a problem and making a concerted effort to cut down or completely stop watching porn, allowing his sex drive to return to normal after some time, or you stay in a relationship which does not fulfil you sexually. I sincerely hope it is not the latter.
  3. Interestingly enough my ex and I broke up a bit less then a month ago for good, and I still wear the earrings and ring he gave me. I don't necessarily want to get back with him because I know the relationship was toxic, but for some reason I am not able to take these mementos off. It's kind of like admitting that things are over for good, and I'm not quite ready to do that yet. But I'm sure I will be in the future. I guess what I'm saying is, that these things still mean something to her, because you obviously shared something special, but it doesn't mean she wants to be with you again... sorry
  4. Ok first of all I don't think it has anything to do with odor or whatever else the other poster has vaguely suggested. I think you are just picking the wrong men. Many men lose interest after sex. Just because you are waiting months, does not mean that he will stick around. Unfortunately some people, men and women, are really just interested in the chase. Once you give in, sexually or emotionally, they just lose interest and that shows through a decrease in showed interest. I do not think you are damaged, just more aware. Because believe me, this has happened to most people. Try to be more careful with whom you start a relationship with, and whom you open up to. Maybe take a look at what kind of men you are attracted to, and date outside of that. Please don't think this is all about you and who you are as a person, because as I said, this has happened to the vast amjority of people. Good luck :)
  5. I hate this day. Yet still hoping you will make some sort of grand gesture to show me you still care. I know you won't. But I still hope that you will show up at my door with flowers. I know this is just a fantasy and your ego is way too important for you to every do something so thoughtful. I know you will never be the one to say you want me back, but I also know you are missing me. Probably not me per se, but just having someone there to call on your breaks or your drive from home. Missing someone to spend a lazy sunday with in bed. Missing the great sex we had. I know this because I miss all these things. And lets face it, our relationship was totally codependent. We had great chemistry yes, but we had nothing else. But when will I stop hoping that you will actually admit all this to me?
  6. I have to disagree with the above poster. I don't think its inevitable that you will have sex once or twice a month in a LTR. There are many couples who have been together longer and enjoy more frequent sex. Unfortunately I think that your sex drives are incompatible. You just have to decide how important this is to you in a relationship. Personally, I need to feel desired by my partner. And clearly you have a desire to have sex more frequently. There are people out there who could match your desire more closely. You just have to decide whether this is something you think is worth losing your relationship over. Just remember that this likely will not change. So if there is a part of you thinking that his sex drive will somehow change over time, it is unlikely.
  7. I’m going through a break up as well and I can totally relate to the vacillating emotions. One minute I am feeling great and happy that I ended an unhealthy relationship , and the next I am reminiscing on all the pleasant memories we share. All the good times I will never have again with him. While it is true that only time will heal these wounds, and it is true that we need to just sit in the pain, and not avoid it, I think it is also important that we try not to ruminate. Meditation has helped me in the past few weeks in order to try and stay in the present. Too often we live in the past or look forward to the future, and end up forgetting that he present is just as important. I wish you luck in getting over this breakup. In the end just remind yourself it was for the better, and you made the right choice even though it hurts. ❤️
  8. It’s been over one month since we broke up. Less then a week since we stopped talking. You told me that you wanted to keep talking because it made the breakup easier for you. Because you liked talking to me and liked my company. But it wasn’t easier for me. Of course I didn’t want to lose you, but we both knew our relationship was toxic. I kept hoping you would ask for me back or try to work things out with me, the way I had so many times. But you didn’t. I kept hoping for some grand gesture of love and affectionate, which I never got throughout our relationship. But that never came either. And that’s when I realized, I needed to cut you out of my life to start healing. I’m doing everything I can to rebuild my sense of self. I’ve been in longer relationships. And I’ve loved harder and more genuinely. But never has a relationship destroyed my self esteem the way that this one did. Never have I been with someone who withheld love and emotion from me for control. Never have I been with someone who can be so spiteful and cold, and yet claim to love me. You made me feel crazy at times. I didn’t know what was up and what was down anymore. I didn’t trust my own heart or head. You were so good at manipulating me, and the worst part is I don’t even know if you knew what you were doing. You used to tell me I was beautiful and how amazing I was. That lasted about a month. You used to kiss me without me having to ask. That also lasted about a month. You completely withdrew from me. And all I could think was that it was because the more you got to know me, the less you wanted me. I blamed myself. Is that what you wanted? You made me feel unloved and unwanted. Constantly seeking your affection, and never getting it. You claim that sex is affection. You claim that I was the one who didn’t show you love. You only said this in the end when I told you I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I told you this so many times during our relationship. You told me you were not the “romantic” type. And if that’s what I wanted I’d have to find someone else. And then in the end you blamed it all on me. I had to end it, for myself. I felt ugly, rejected over and over, and so self loathing. Partly for staying and partly because of how you treated me. With such a lack of empathy. Well now I’m in therapy, meditating, exercising , reading self help books, taking self help classes... hoping that one day I will be ok again. Hoping that I will repair the damage that’s been done to me in such a short time. But still missing you. And I don’t know why.
  9. Did we read the same post? She said she does not fully feel she is in the relationship anymore, and does not love him in the relationship way anymore. She said she does not even feel sexually attracted to him anymore. Only reason she is still with him is because of history and is afraid of breaking his heart. This is no reason to continue a relationship.
  10. I don’t know why people are essentially attacking you for outgrowing a relationship. It is perfectly normal to want to explore especially in your university years. If you are not feeling it, you should probably let him know. There is no point in trying to force yourself to want to be with someone. It will never work. Doing what you feel is right is usually the hardest and scariest thing. But you will not be able to keep him in your life if you do choose to be free and explore. At least not right away. You will have to go no contact in order for you both to heal. And it will be difficult, but you’ll know if that’s the right decision for you. I’ve been in your position actually, and after many years we are now friends. And I have him back in my life. So don’t lose all hope of a friendship somewhere down the line. Good luck :)
  11. This would and has been a deal breaker for me in relationships. The way I see it is, if a guy is into ty girls like that. Then he is not the one for me and I’m definitely not the one for him. I do not agree that it is he same as porn at all either. Not only is it on a public forum, but it is constantly in your face, all day. I’m 28 and sad to say but I go on Instagram multiple times a day, without even thinking of it, and just scroll. And most people that age and younger do. Meaning he is viewing these types of scantily clad women mostly likely numerous times a day. I cannot fathom how this constant exposure to sexualized images can not alter someone’s sexuality or desensitize them to it in some way. Also the amount of photoshopping and plastic surgery these women get to look that way is absurd! Not to mention that most of these women work out for a living. What normal, every day woman can measure up to these standards? I understand it’s almost equivalent to runway models, but the amount of exposure and number of these extremely photoshopped “models” makes it so that men actually believe that these women are just everywhere... and they are not. I would find a guy that does not subscribe to these totally unattainable standards of “beauty”.
  12. People have different definitions of cheating. Some believe that if nothing has physically happened it is not cheating. But I believe most, would agree that this is emotional cheating. If he is talking to her frequently, and expressing that he feels a connection with her, this is more then just innocent texting. I'm not sure why you are accepting this, other then you are possibly afraid of being alone. Because to be honest this guy doesn't sound like a catch. And the fact that he is texting multiple women behind your back should be enough to make you realize that you can do much better. And you can. You just have to believe it, and you have to expect it from your partner. Ignoring this will not make it go away. Do not accept this behavior and disrespect, you are worth more.
  13. Perhaps this is part of the problem. Does he regularly work? Some men start to feel emasculated or restless when they are not able to contribute to the household. Perhaps because he is no longer working, and no longer the bread winner he needs to make himself feel useful, and is overcompensating by trying to fix things around the house. Regardless, if this behavior is bothering you and affecting your relationship it is definitely something you two should have a talk about. We can't guess what is on his mind, and neither can you. Your best bet is to get to the root of the issue now, before this goes on for too long and you have both grown apart.
  14. I think you both need to find some material on sex education before engaging any further...
  15. I just got out of a relationship a little less than two weeks ago and I started seeing a therapist this week. I have seen therapists and psychiatrists before for other reasons, but I definitely do not think a break up is an embarrassing reason to go to therapy. Many people (such as myself) feel broken and lost, and have low self-esteem after tough break ups. I find it beneficial to talk to someone who is objective and a third party. You may not believe all the things your friends and family say to you because they love you. When I hear advice from a third party who is not invested in my life personally, i tend to take more stock in it. That is just me though. Also, make sure you feel like the fit is right. I saw a psychiatrist many years ago who was quick to prescribe be anti-depressants. I wanted to work on the root of the issues, not deal with symptoms. So I stayed away from psychiatrists after that. Later on I saw a counselor who actually did more damage than actually help, and I continued to go (not sure why) until I realized the sessions were not making me feel any better. Now I found a spiritual counselor whom I hope will help me, she seems very empathetic and open. We have a good connection and that is so important. So I strongly recommend therapy, but with the right therapist for you!
  16. Uhm I don't think it's as simple as telling someone to stop thinking about something. How long ago did you break up? It is natural to think about an ex in the early stages of a break up. We all do it. Rationalizing it won't help, and telling yourself to stop thinking about something will just make you think about it more. People will also suggest you keep yourself busy, which is important, but those thoughts will still creep in no matter how busy you keep yourself. All I can tell you is that it is normal, and you have to let things run their course. With time, the thoughts will subside, until one day you don't think about him or her at all. Accept that trying to figure out why he did what he did will likely not happen. He will probably not tell you the truth, and he might not even understand why other than the fact that he had stronger feelings for her. Also understanding why he left will not bring him back. In the mean time, just allow yourself to grieve your relationship, and be kind to yourself. It will get better.
  17. I see your point Batya... I waffle on whether it is a good or bad idea to see him again. Today I am starting to think he was withholding affection from me in order to either control me or have the upper hand in the relationship. On the flip side he may just be emotionally unavailable. But interestingly at the beginning of our relationship he was much more forthcoming with the compliments and signs of affection. I felt like I was constantly begging for any signs of affection or love. After a nasty fight he would always be so sweet, or make some gesture when he felt like I was pulling away. But then things would just go back to the same thing. I know he is not the one for me, and yet I still miss him like crazy. Some irrational part of me still hopes we will get back together and be the way we used to be.
  18. Thank you reinventmyself. I hope you are right.
  19. I'm in somewhat of a similar situation right now, and at the same time not exactly. My ex and I broke up on Monday, and we both decided it was for the best. That doesn't make me miss him any less. However, I am finding that all my sexual thoughts are related to him, and thus they all make me sad. I can't even get turned on without being sad, because I relate all my sexual needs to him still. We did not have sex during or post break up though so I know this is not exactly the same, but I'm sure this will pass for the both of us. We just need time.
  20. I suppose a part of me would still like to see him one last time...
  21. He sent me a very long message today. Basically saying he was sorry he couldn't give me what I wanted. But at the same time telling me he thought I would never be happy. He tried and tried but apparently it was never enough. He also said maybe we could be friends again at some point. And that he still loved me. Not sure what the point of this message was really. Was it for closure? It sounded like a break up text, but we already broke up. I messaged back essentially telling him I wasn't mad, and I wished him all the best as well. And that we just weren't right for eachother. He then told me he has some of my stuff and whether he should drop it off or throw it out. I told him I will pick it up next weekend. It is too soon for me to see him now. Im just confused about all these heartfelt messages after he told me I was a horrible person and that I will always be miserable. Now he loves me, and wishes me all the best...
  22. Thanks for thinking of me Sherry. I am doing...so-so. It really varies by the hour. Some moments I feel like I am going to be ok, and I feel almost excited to work on myself. And other moments I feel so sad, and lonely. The weekend is coming up, and we spent every weekend together for the past 4 months so this is going to be very difficult for me. I am already anticipating the impending loneliness. I'm working this weekend so at least I won't be at home moping during the day. Writing here and yours, and Batya's input has been cathartic for me. I am also going to the gym, and have planned to see a counselor next week. I am doing all I can really, to try and keep busy, but the sadness still creeps up on me unexpectedly.
  23. I am definitely guilty of getting into my own head in general and it is ten fold after a break up. My inner narrative can get very warped and it would be great to be able to make light of the anxieties and insecurities.
  24. Thanks for the suggestions! Bluecastle I looked up "the mystery guest" but it seems kind of difficult to find. Will check out some local bookstores as it seems quite interesting. And being that it's hard to find makes it all the more intriguing to me lol. Might try reading "The Friend" in the meantime.
  25. Hi all, I am just fresh out of a break up and trying to get back some of the happiness in my life I have been lacking lately. I love to read and have read many books that have brought me great joy. I was wondering if you all had some suggestions for books that have changed your life. They could be self help books or just general fiction or non-fiction. Any books that have made a lasting impression on you. Hopefully for the better. Thanks in advance.
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