Getting in my own head

[boltnrun]

You say you don't know what you're doing wrong...but how much time did you waste on "work guy"? Nearly a year? Trying to be the cool girl so he would change his mind and want to date you.

 

That is something you can work on; stop chasing men for months who are obviously not interested. Go out and do stuff you don't usually do. Instead of shopping, attend a sports event. I go to sports events with my married friends and meet men all the time.

 

If what you're doing isn't getting you where you want to be, it's time to change it up.

[Alex39]

I want to vent about something that I feel has to do with some of the root of my attachment issues with friends, men, etc...

 

My mother.

 

She is a wonderful woman. A saint. She is caring and loving.

 

But she never let me fail. She judges people when they aren't at her standards and I feel I have inherited some of this myself.

 

As a child, she wouldn't let me fail. She made every decision for me. I remember doing crafts as a kid. I was bad at them. Still are. My craft would look really bad, but I was a kid. Lots of parents had really bad crafts from their kids. She would take it and fix it and make it look better. Always. Every time.

 

When I was let to make my own decisions, she would show disdain if it wasn't what she would do.

 

She still does it now. She does it and then doesn't realize. She denies it. She says I am being so dramatic or oversensitive when I get upset.

 

Like tonight is a good example. We are talking and I am telling her my day at work. I am happy with my day. It was average. I then tell her what was happening with clients and she keeps butting in saying "Well did you say this......" and "And tell them this and that ......"

 

I try and ignore her and say things I said, and at one point she says "Why did you say that?"

 

"I might have not said that to them."

 

Then I get upset. That I messed up. It wasn't even a big deal. But I felt like I messed up so bad, and she caused this. She does this to me and my father all the time. He hates it too. He'll go grocery shopping and she will question something he bought. "Why did you get that?" and now, maybe it was a funny item, but he liked it. And he gets upset nd asks why? And she days "No reason, just didn't realize you wanted that kind of peanut butter."

 

We dread the "Why did you buy that?" "Why did you say that?" "Why did you go there?"

 

It makes you feel like you messed up all the time.

 

When I try to show my personality and be fun and carefree, like I did today, and get shut down by her second guessing comments, I revert back to shy little girl, who censors herself in fear of not being perfect.

 

I feel like this might affect other parts of my life. Like why I chase guys who aren't committing because maybe I think if I try hard enough and be better that they will come around and have to accept my efforts to be this better version of me. I end up being a robot though. Shy, less fun, serious, trying to not make a mistake.

 

I love my mother. She is my best friend. She loves me too. She truly cannot accept or acknowledge that she does this.

 

I also don't know how to change it for my own life. I was conditioned this way.

[Wiseman2]

Do you have your own place? Also why confide in her this much? When you complain about friends, coworkers, men, life, money, etc then people question why you are complaining. Only therapy can help with this over attachment and someone to confide in who can offer useful solutions.

We are talking and I am telling her my day at work. I am happy with my day. It was average. I then tell her what was happening with clients and she keeps butting in saying "Well did you say this......" and "And tell them this and that ......"We dread the "Why did you buy that?" "Why did you say that?" "Why did you go there?"

[Batya33]

Do you have your own place? Also why confide in her this much? When you complain about friends, coworkers, men, life, money, etc then people question why you are complaining. Only therapy can help with this over attachment and someone to confide in who can offer useful solutions.

 

Stop playing the victim. Your mother did her very best. It's totally fine to judge her and her parenting but you are not "conditioned" - you are an adult and you make your own decisions. It's not her fault - yes, it affected you, I get it but do not indulge in victimhood on these issues. My son who is 9 now lately likes to say that he "has to" be like me and do what I do (i.e. when I tell him I made a mistake, when I apologize for overreacting) and we talk about how that's not true and how I explain to him when I make mistakes. He's 9, he's learning. You're an adult and your mom is an adult and you are so darn lucky to have her as your best friend. My mom is my best friend too and it's funny - she triggers my annoyance so easily and I let it show and I guess because it's safe to do so -she gets it, she doesn't take it personally, I apologize but it's all good. I love her to pieces. And she made mistakes in raising us because she had to deal with our father who had a serious mental illness. She had to balance keeping him balanced and yet parenting us. All at a time when mental illness had huge stigmas attached so she couldn't confide in anyone.

 

I share this because you don't know your mother's whole story -what challenges she faced, what hurdles - she's of course made and is making mistakes.

 

If it gets too much when she gets critical just take a deep breath and either change the subject or find a way to take some space in as neutral/polite a way as possible. She is not going to accept or acknowledge most likely. You are beating a dead horse. You have to give yourself closure and the tools to accept that she is who she is. And she is a separate person from you. One more share - I read recently that if one's child is having a melt down, upset, etc to remind yourself that you don't have to join him in his ranting - it's ok to feel good and peaceful and yet be supportive. Because you are separate people. You and your mother are separate people. If she gets into her judgy stuff, her critical stuff realize it's her negativity. But she is separate from you. You can choose to stay neutral, positive, keep her negative energy off of you. Because you are separate people despite being blood relatives, despite being parent/child.

 

And I will tell you this not knowing your father at all. If heaven forbid your mother was not able to judge what he bought at the store -if she was ill, etc. he might be relieved short term. And then he would miss it and wonder why. But he would.

[figureitout23]

Stop playing the victim. Your mother did her very best. It's totally fine to judge her and her parenting but you are not "conditioned" - you are an adult and you make your own decisions. It's not her fault - yes, it affected you, I get it but do not indulge in victimhood on these issues.

 

 

It might just be me, but this statement is coming off dismissive and contradictory.

 

I had a bunch more written that pointed out how contradictory youre being considering your post about 'labels' and parenting and how important shaping a child is, but it would just start a disagreement and I am so not in the mood.

 

 

 

XOXO, good for you for exploring what makes you tick and what life events shape the way you're currently approaching dating and possibly your attachment style/issues. Attachment styles are developed from the time we are born, they arent ever really changed just better coped with. Its a theory so obviously not a hardline fact, my counselor explored childhood trauma with me and while mine was legit trauma, even dealing with an overbearing parent can affect an adult in major ways. NOT AN EXCUSE you can still be a full and happy adult, just something to acknowledge and work through.

 

First step for sure. Have you been able to see anyone professionally about these issues?

 

Its not nothing, and you arent a victim if you recognize whats shaped you into who you are. Now that youre figuring it out you can take steps to rectify or combat these things.

[katrina1980]

Agree with FIO and to xoxo, I applaud you for taking the time to introspect, learn what your triggers are and where they stem from (your mom); to echo what FIO said, that's the first step.

 

The next step is learning how to manage these triggers, your anxieties and impulses, so that they're not working against you and causing you to make poor choices. Books can help and yes therapy.

 

It's all a journey, so be patient with yourself, it's gonna take time to get it right, heck I am still learning to get it right even though I'm in a great relationship now!

 

Best of luck and continue posting! You're doing great!

[Batya33]

It might just be me, but this statement is coming off dismissive and contradictory.

 

I had a bunch more written that pointed out how contradictory youre being considering your post about 'labels' and parenting and how important shaping a child is, but it would just start a disagreement and I am so not in the mood.

 

 

 

XOXO, good for you for exploring what makes you tick and what life events shape the way you're currently approaching dating and possibly your attachment style/issues. Attachment styles are developed from the time we are born, they arent ever really changed just better coped with. Its a theory so obviously not a hardline fact, my counselor explored childhood trauma with me and while mine was legit trauma, even dealing with an overbearing parent can affect an adult in major ways. NOT AN EXCUSE you can still be a full and happy adult, just something to acknowledge and work through.

 

First step for sure. Have you been able to see anyone professionally about these issues?

 

Its not nothing, and you arent a victim if you recognize whats shaped you into who you are. Now that youre figuring it out you can take steps to rectify or combat these things.

 

Sorry you misinterpreted it that way - . I disagree that she is a victim or "conditioned" and that mindset won't help her and will just hurt her. I'm not sure what you mean by labels - I am not a fan of labels in parenting or "shaping" a child-perhaps you were thinking of someone else - please don't trouble yourself -especially since you're tired --in searching for ways to point out if I've been inconsistent unless you feel like it .

 

I am certainly supportive of the OP seeking therapy and I hope she focuses on what actions she can take rather than seeing herself as a victim of conditioning and as a robot. I see a general pattern in her post in trying to place blame on others and her circumstances. To me this was at least in part part of the pattern.

 

Again thank you for sharing your input and in such a thoughtful and open-minded way - I'm not interested in debating either and I don't think that will help the OP in the least -

and I hope your day is more relaxing/energizing going forward!

[figureitout23]

I think you misunderstood me. I'm quite well. I'm not in the mood to start going back and forth with you, which is why I didn't link the post. The post in question is quite easy to find... you just wrote it:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552495

 

Thanks for the well wishes anyway.

 

I completely agree that victimization is such a bad road to go down, nothing good comes from it. I think there's a difference between being a victim and discussing potential reasons for issues that have always been there but are simply exasperated by dating.

 

Since weee sharing personal experiences, my experience, including my childhood, have given me abandonment issues. If I never dated, I doubt I would have ever explored that. I have many friends whom I love, family who I love, and I enjoy my alone time. But not not knowing how severe my issues were left me completely vulnerable and I was the perfect candidate for an abusive relationship. In fact my counselor told me she would have been surprised if I wasn't in an abusive relationship. Our past shapes us so much.

 

That does not mean we have to succumb to it, that's not what I mean, but exploring what makes us tick and healing from it works a whole hell of a lot better than sucking it up and following arbitrary rules. I can tell you right now, me at 18, you could have told me all the right ways to date. You could have drawn me and carefully executed step by step plan, knowing what I know now, I still would have ended up in an unhealthy relationship because I wasn't healthy. You could have told me what boundaries to put up all day long, until they became my personal boundaries it would have done me no good.

 

I completely agree the OPer has a lot to change. A lot to work through, and she seems to be going in circles at times, OPer I will be the first to tell you, you can get very frustrating because you seem to keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. but good grief, l see nothing wrong with exploring her past to see in what way it's shaped her present.

 

But yeah. I think at the core we agree. Have a good afternoon.

[Batya33]

So yes my post affirmed that I am not a fan of labeling. So I'm confused as to why you wrote I am a fan of it. Yes, I think children should be treated as individuals. Yes I think how others label them can affect how they see themselves. Here I'm talking about the extent to which the OP, an adult, is choosing to be a victim and a robot. Feel free to PM if you want to discuss further because I think your opinions on my opinions are off-topic.

I completely agree with what you wrote about our past shaping us -i went through similar experiences, as well as what you wrote about succumbing/victimization. I agree with all of it. Your personal experiences were enlightening and inspiring as well as reminiscent of some of my own. I hope you had a good afternoon.

[Alex39]

I am reading what you all are saying and inputting it into my brain. I truly feel like I have become a better person and made better decisions at times because of all your advice.

 

I think I fall back into old ways. It sneaks up on me. I suddenly feel depressed and when I look back, I realize I was slowly falling into old habits. I don't realize I am, but I am. I say I am not going to let a guy use me or so the same stuff, but they get craftier and I think I'm smarter, and bam! Same thing happens. The situation plays out differently with different people and I get a bit naive at times.

 

I do live in my own place. I live 2 hours from my family. Talk to my mom a lot.

Recently I have been so happy with my job. So happy. I come home feeling strong and accomplished. I feel good about myself.

 

Its the one thing I have right now that makes me feel good.

 

And I'm psyched to talk to my mom about it and share my day and my clients, proud that I am doing good.

 

And she criticizes me and says that I shouldn't have said this or that. Butts into my stories that have already played out telling me what she would say. She doesn't even know anything about the content of my job.

 

I'm trying to be personable with my new clients at my new job.

 

Something I was so happy about. The highlight of my life she is making into a failure. Like I am not doing a good job.

 

It breaks my heart. I get mad at myself that I am not doing good and if I could turn back time, maybe I could do what she said.

 

But in the heat of the moment, I was being myself. I am myself. I'm not her.

 

She keeps giving me anxiety saying I need to be careful and this job is new and one wrong move, like I am going to get the axe. I go from cloud nine to feeling like dirt.

 

I said resting face to my clients. I work with college student age clients. They seemed to think I was funny and I thought it was fine. They are in college.

 

 

I love my mom. I am not playing the victim. I just noticed that recently she has been making me feel this way and wondered if ut affected me.

 

If I can get my financing in order a bit better, then I do want to go back and talk to my old counselor.

[boltnrun]

The guys are not getting "craftier". They are doing the same things that seem to always attract you. Meaningless texting that you take as a sign they really, really like you, you get "very excited" and attach yourself to all the texting, then get disappointed when they don't actually want to date you. It's the same pattern.

 

I'm not sure how that relates to your mom being hypercritical of your every move, unless you think you seek out guys who don't want what you want in an attempt to fix the disapproval you perceive from your mom? That's awfully convoluted.

[Batya33]

The guys are not getting "craftier". They are doing the same things that seem to always attract you. Meaningless texting that you take as a sign they really, really like you, you get "very excited" and attach yourself to all the texting, then get disappointed when they don't actually want to date you. It's the same pattern.

 

I'm not sure how that relates to your mom being hypercritical of your every move, unless you think you seek out guys who don't want what you want in an attempt to fix the disapproval you perceive from your mom? That's awfully convoluted.

 

I don't think the men are using you other than work guy lead you on a bit when he said he wanted a relationship or something like that but he didn't follow through (if I remember)

 

I agree with this post.

[Wiseman2]

You have control over this. Do not call her all the time. It's that simple. Do you have health insurance? A check up by a doctor could help you discover if there are physical, hormonal or neurological reasons for all this.

 

Mood disorders run in families. Your mother is very negative and it seems you have issues with that as well. Only a physician and a referral to a good psychologist will help you out of this vicious cycle.

I do live in my own place. I live 2 hours from my family. Talk to my mom a lot. If I can get my financing in order a bit better, then I do want to go back and talk to my old counselor.

[Alex39]

I've been leaning a lot on prayer lately. Asking god to guide me in a good way and give me strength. I never used to do this, but when things at my work had not been going so well, my mother said she was praying for me. And it seemed when she said she was praying for me, more things seemed to be set into motion. Such as, job opportunities coming out of the wood work for me and my life making a big change.

 

I remember thinking how maybe I should pray more often and really mean it. How much I ignored faith, when it was free and available when I needed it most. I have been starting to pray recently when I am feeling conflicted, down, and confused. I feel like it is genuinely helping me. I wake up the next day after prayer and I feel like the weight that I had been carrying the night before is a bit lighter, for no reason at all, and that I can get through it. That I can embrace myself and I have the capabilities to be strong and handle difficulties as not negative things, but learning experiences in my life to make me a better person.

 

I don't want to go on a whole prayer rant, like it has changed my life. I don't know if it has. But I do think it is so important and a great way to ask for help when you are feeling low.

 

The other night I was crying. I felt defeated and like life wasn't going well and I was feeling down over not being able to find a good man. That where was my knight in shining armor and when is it my turn to have real companionship? I then was praying. Praying to my deceased family to guide me in a good direction and help me. I needed them.

 

I have since started talking to a man. And so far this man seems pretty good. I know its early to tell, but I was so excited to tell you all how I feel like this man fell into my lap right after prayer. We connected online and he said he was over the moon that I wanted to talk to him. We texted for about a day or so and he asked for my number. I gave it a shot and gave him my number. He texts me every single day, morning time as soon as he wakes up. He likes to talk to me. He loves to hear all about my day and asks periodically all day long, even when my answers aren't all that interesting he seems into it. He likes me to tell him all about my job and what I did.

 

He said he is looking for a relationship. He asks me tons of questions about me and so far we have a lot in common and he says I am so different and intriguing to him.

 

He has now called me on the phone two nights in a row just to talk to me. The first we spoke for 3 and a half hours. It was insane. But it came so easily. The second, tonight for 2 hours. He texts me after every time saying how he was so glad we talked and he felt it was so easy and natural.

 

He lives about 45 minutes from me. When this was brought about, he immediately said no sweat. I asked if he was sure, because that is far. He said that if things worked out between us, then it would be 100% worth it and I would be worth it. He then told me he was thinking it was seeming worth it already. He said traveling that distance is worth a relationship.

 

He works Thursdays through Sundays right now, and does some traveling. This concerned me. He always missed the weekends. I worked and had a lot going on during the week. How was I ever going to see this man? He told me tonight how he contacted his work and asked about doing more regular week hours. They are now moving him to Tuesday through Friday in a few weeks. He said he was so happy and he could now have a life on the weekends. Then he said he specifically knew he wanted to spend time with me on the weekends.

 

He was talking about us going to a sports game and us cooking together, since we both love it. I said that would be fun. He corrects me and says That "will" be fun. Its so nice and refreshing so far. No plans yet., but that is probably because I work when he doesn't and he works when I don't. I'm hoping we can connect in person soon.

 

Its so early on and I am trying not to get too excited. I just am a bit taken back by this great guy falling out of the sky. Now we have not met yet. I might not like him at all, but so far so good, hopefully it continues. I feel like I am comfortable talking to him and being myself, and he said the same thing to me, before I even mentioned it. It comes easy, and I can relax with him and be myself, which is hard for me sometimes. I'm hoping my next update is something even more positive.

[Wiseman2]

Is he from a dating app? How long have you been talking? Try to meet sooner rather than later. Can you meet half way or can he come to you for a quick in person meet? It may be nice to talk to someone other than your mother every night but try to move this into the dating and real life zone.

 

At this point if he continues to talk as if and makes faux future plans but does not execute them, no less be willing to meet in person, then it may be best to cut your losses and assume he is catfishing, scamming or in a relationship.

We connected online He lives about 45 minutes from me. He was talking about us going to a sports game and us cooking together.No plans yet. I just am a bit taken back by this great guy falling out of the sky. Now we have not met yet.

[troo2]

Here is the answer to all your issues so far. Next time, don't just talk and talk on the internet and have a guy come over when you do not know him...

 

Instead, suggest you two meet up for coffee / date and have a nice chat to get to know each other. Have fun and repeat. It's that simple. You will either click or not and what is meant to be will be ;)

 

Just keep it simple like this and everything will fall into place. I would also avoid chatting soo much online and chat in person :)

[Batya33]

Is he from a dating app? How long have you been talking? Try to meet sooner rather than later. Can you meet half way or can he come to you for a quick in person meet? It may be nice to talk to someone other than your mother every night but try to move this into the dating and real life zone.

 

At this point if he continues to talk as if and makes faux future plans but does not execute them, no less be willing to meet in person, then it may be best to cut your losses and assume he is catfishing, scamming or in a relationship.

 

I agree, well put and please reread what you've written about every other "great" guy who is in reality a stranger that you've never met or someone you've met a few times at most. Please stop telling yourself these fantasy stories - and if you want to be excited, be excited that you seem to have met someone who is pleasant to talk to and who you might meet in the future to see if you should go on a real date. I think all the texting you are doing is a huge mistake - and I mean because of how you react to lots of texting before meeting - you specifically.

 

From my understanding of prayer it can be to ask for help over something you have no control of (illness for example, as I have done for others mostly) and mostly, and I would think in most religions - the deity wants to see that you are doing all you can to help yourself over situations you do have control over -or at least some control. Praying instead of helping yourself doesn't seem to be part of a religious or spiritual value and it doesn't honor that your god made you into a human being with a brain and a heart and intellect and capacity and abilities. For example my friend has terminal cancer, in her 40s with a 7 year old child. We are all praying that the treatment she is receiving now, which is very painful, works. So think about it -she can't control that she got cancer or that she is dying so we are praying. And then you are praying for a "knight in shining armor" because you need "help?" Obviously you feel pain just like my friend does. But consider using prayer for the kind of pain you feel -which you do have control over -and the kind of pain she feels, which she doesn't.

[Honeycomb8]

I've been leaning a lot on prayer lately. Asking god to guide me in a good way and give me strength. I never used to do this, but when things at my work had not been going so well, my mother said she was praying for me. And it seemed when she said she was praying for me, more things seemed to be set into motion. Such as, job opportunities coming out of the wood work for me and my life making a big change.

 

I remember thinking how maybe I should pray more often and really mean it. How much I ignored faith, when it was free and available when I needed it most. I have been starting to pray recently when I am feeling conflicted, down, and confused. I feel like it is genuinely helping me. I wake up the next day after prayer and I feel like the weight that I had been carrying the night before is a bit lighter, for no reason at all, and that I can get through it. That I can embrace myself and I have the capabilities to be strong and handle difficulties as not negative things, but learning experiences in my life to make me a better person.

 

I don't want to go on a whole prayer rant, like it has changed my life. I don't know if it has. But I do think it is so important and a great way to ask for help when you are feeling low.

 

The other night I was crying. I felt defeated and like life wasn't going well and I was feeling down over not being able to find a good man. That where was my knight in shining armor and when is it my turn to have real companionship? I then was praying. Praying to my deceased family to guide me in a good direction and help me. I needed them.

 

I have since started talking to a man. And so far this man seems pretty good. I know its early to tell, but I was so excited to tell you all how I feel like this man fell into my lap right after prayer. We connected online and he said he was over the moon that I wanted to talk to him. We texted for about a day or so and he asked for my number. I gave it a shot and gave him my number. He texts me every single day, morning time as soon as he wakes up. He likes to talk to me. He loves to hear all about my day and asks periodically all day long, even when my answers aren't all that interesting he seems into it. He likes me to tell him all about my job and what I did.

 

He said he is looking for a relationship. He asks me tons of questions about me and so far we have a lot in common and he says I am so different and intriguing to him.

 

He has now called me on the phone two nights in a row just to talk to me. The first we spoke for 3 and a half hours. It was insane. But it came so easily. The second, tonight for 2 hours. He texts me after every time saying how he was so glad we talked and he felt it was so easy and natural.

 

He lives about 45 minutes from me. When this was brought about, he immediately said no sweat. I asked if he was sure, because that is far. He said that if things worked out between us, then it would be 100% worth it and I would be worth it. He then told me he was thinking it was seeming worth it already. He said traveling that distance is worth a relationship.

 

He works Thursdays through Sundays right now, and does some traveling. This concerned me. He always missed the weekends. I worked and had a lot going on during the week. How was I ever going to see this man? He told me tonight how he contacted his work and asked about doing more regular week hours. They are now moving him to Tuesday through Friday in a few weeks. He said he was so happy and he could now have a life on the weekends. Then he said he specifically knew he wanted to spend time with me on the weekends.

 

He was talking about us going to a sports game and us cooking together, since we both love it. I said that would be fun. He corrects me and says That "will" be fun. Its so nice and refreshing so far. No plans yet., but that is probably because I work when he doesn't and he works when I don't. I'm hoping we can connect in person soon.

 

Its so early on and I am trying not to get too excited. I just am a bit taken back by this great guy falling out of the sky. Now we have not met yet. I might not like him at all, but so far so good, hopefully it continues. I feel like I am comfortable talking to him and being myself, and he said the same thing to me, before I even mentioned it. It comes easy, and I can relax with him and be myself, which is hard for me sometimes. I'm hoping my next update is something even more positive.

 

Alarm bells are ringing. Meet him in person. 45 mins is not a long distance and please keep your first 8 or 9 dates public. Don't go over to his place and don't let him come to yours. Have standards. Take it slow-he's a stranger. Otherwise it's rinse and repeat.

[Alex39]

I definitely see where you all are coming from. I am in the mindset that if we don't plan something soon, I am moving on. I've learned from the past and know that not meeting soon is a red flag. I'm cutting him slack and giving him credit because we connected right before his thursdaty to Sunday work week and he works long days, some until 9pm and he's currently away on business. He's been sending me pictures of where he is.

 

I know maybe the part about prayer sounds selfish. I felt in pain and inadequate after being with my friends and starting praying to my family to guide me in the right way alone or to a good man for once.

 

I can't say if this guy is. I have no idea. He seems great so far on the phone, but its so early on.

 

I like him because I've been love bombed before. Guys are overflattering or trying way to hard. He isn't. He's trying, but its genuine effort and he makes sweet comments that are down to earth and realistic within the circumstances. Not killing me with the "you're pretty" a million times as others have done. He listens to what I say. Asks me engaging questions and keeps saying how I'm so unique and different than any one he meets.

 

I'm happy because what do I have to lose? Nothing. I have been my real down to earth self with him and it makes me so happy to be that comfortable. Not walking on eggshells. He's honest and so am I.

 

If we don't have plans to meet soon, I'll consider it a wash and move on, easy as that. I'm not losing or gaining anything in my life right now. I just have ke at the end of the day. I enjoy talking to him. I'm excited, but I think thats natural and I'm grounded, hopefully.

[figureitout23]

First off, please don't ever think you have to explain your religious beliefs to anybody, or you and your Gods relationship. You're better than me xoxo....

 

Second, good for you for attempting to stay grounded, stick with it, keep things in perspective. You haven't met yet. Sometimes that connection truly is there and you feel it. Sometimes it's all smoke and mirrors. The only way to even begin on the journey of knowing is to meet.

 

Good luck!

[boltnrun]

Here's another guy who wants home "dates".

 

Why, after everything that's happened, does that not set off a warning alarm?

 

And here you are getting "excited" again. You think you found a new boyfriend.

 

You say you've learned, why not apply what you've learned?

[Batya33]

"I know maybe the part about prayer sounds selfish. I felt in pain and inadequate after being with my friends and starting praying to my family to guide me in the right way alone or to a good man for once."

 

I was not questioning your religious beliefs just explaining that in general most religions advocate helping yourself if at all possible and asking for help from a deity when needed - it didn't sound selfish just was wondering what you needed help with when you prayed - help to alleviate the pain you feel? So, at least to me, part of that requires helping yourself -being willing to make certain changes in your mindset and actions. Nothing to do with your religious beliefs -I would say the same thing if you called your friend and said "help me get out of this pain from being single" -what do you think a best friend would do or say to help you? Sorry if I came across as questioning your religious beliefs. I was not.

 

I agree with boltnrun -please get the hyperbole out of your vocabulary when it comes to strangers -even "great so far" is probably too much for you, personally, since you tend to run with it and then have a huge let down later because you forget the "so far" part.

[Wiseman2]

In theory it may feel like 'what the heck, someone to talk to at least'. On the surface, it's a waste of time, since this is not just polite chitchat or building anything with anyone.

 

However with each disappointment and failure you poke another hole in your soul and your heart and imperceptibly erode your confidence to the point where it's one "what the heck, at least he called" after the next and you are still alone and wondering why.

I'm happy because what do I have to lose? Nothing.

[Batya33]

In theory it may feel like 'what the heck, someone to talk to at least'. On the surface, it's a waste of time, since this is not just polite chitchat or building anything with anyone.

 

However with each disappointment and failure you poke another hole in your soul and your heart and imperceptibly erode your confidence to the point where it's one "what the heck, at least he called" after the next and you are still alone and wondering why.

 

So I wanted to add to this good observation that the issue is there are people who can have that mindset -who have the thick skin, who can just chat with strangers and not be attached to any outcome, not get hopes up to the point you do - but you already know your MO, you already know your pattern and you are NOT one of those people.

[itsallgrand]

In theory it may feel like 'what the heck, someone to talk to at least'. On the surface, it's a waste of time, since this is not just polite chitchat or building anything with anyone.

 

However with each disappointment and failure you poke another hole in your soul and your heart and imperceptibly erode your confidence to the point where it's one "what the heck, at least he called" after the next and you are still alone and wondering why.

 

Absolutely. Success isn't only what you do but what you don't do.