Getting in my own head

[figureitout23]

Whoa wait... this was the same dude that gave her a bad vibe? I'm so confused. Wasn't he the Mormon?

 

What changed? I need to go back and read.

 

I still don't think we have enough info to know for sure what his intentions are.

 

Kat you has the same line of thinking I had about his massage comment, she opened that door, some men are going to go for it. Doesn't mean they aren't interested, it means a woman introduced suggestive language and opened the door

 

BUT I am super curious what changed.

 

I'm sorry, I just really think we're getting this info from a tinted lens as the title suggests.

 

Still super confused where the sudden interest came from. Need to reread.

[Batya33]

Whoa wait... this was the same dude that gave her a bad vibe? I'm so confused. Wasn't he the Mormon?

 

What changed? I need to go back and read.

 

I still don't think we have enough info to know for sure what his intentions are.

 

Kat you has the same line of thinking I had about his massage comment, she opened that door, some men are going to go for it. Doesn't mean they aren't interested, it means a woman introduced suggestive language and opened the door

 

BUT I am super curious what changed.

 

I'm sorry, I just really think we're getting this info from a tinted lens as the title suggests.

 

Still super confused where the sudden interest came from. Need to reread.

Yes. This is the Mormon. And great point by Kat about opening the door with the massage comment especially on text

[boltnrun]

I want to cook for you at my place and want a massage in payment...yeah, most people would take that as a come on.

[Alex39]

He did finally send me a message. Asking how my day off from work was.

[Alex39]

Gosh, I didn't mean for it to be so sexual. We had done that this past weekend so I took it as saying I enjoyed our time and wanted to see it again.

[boltnrun]

Gosh, I didn't mean for it to be so sexual. We had done that this past weekend so I took it as saying I enjoyed our time and wanted to see it again.

 

But he responded with a sexual comment, which proves he saw your message as a come on.

 

And really, you couldn't see that inviting a guy over so you can cook for him and asking for a massage in payment is suggestive?

 

I still highly recommend you go on regular dates instead of your home (or his) or a hotel room. And no, neither of you has to spend $100. Ice cream, yogurt, coffee, a matinee movie, a walk in the park or on the beach are all inexpensive or free.

[katrina1980]

amk, I feel like I’m sounding so preachy here (sorry if I am), but it’s important to be cognizant of how your words and actions are being interpreted by the other person. I know for me, I can get so caught up in my little world, I'm forgetting to stop and think about how it's all coming across to the guy!

 

Telling a man you’d like to cook for him at yours (or his) and looking forward to another one of his awesome foot massages doesn’t really jive with “I’m not that kind of girl.” It’s misleading and may even come across as your being a “tease.” Not your intention, but that’s how HE may be interpreting it.

 

Especially in these very early stages.

 

It’s great to flirt, I love flirting too! But if you’re gonna do it, be prepared for the consequences.

 

I’m not judging I promise, I’ve made that mistake as well! In my mind innocent remarks, being interpreted as not so innocent by the guy. And has gotten me into trouble sometimes.

 

Thinking back I actually cringe at some of the stuff I’ve said! While in the throes of early attraction and infatuation.

 

Just be aware, that’s all.

 

So what happened, did y’all chats for awhile today? I take it he didn’t mention anything about getting together again?

[Alex39]

All he did was send me a snapchat with a pic of him in the throes of homework. And asked how my day off was. I answered in a very general statement and he has not replied yet.

[figureitout23]

All he did was send me a snapchat with a pic of him in the throes of homework. And asked how my day off was. I answered in a very general statement and he has not replied yet.

 

Sooooo, he's busy with homework, explaining why he didn't ask you and and he still thought enough about you to say hello.

 

Not saying he's on the up and up, just not sure what he's doing that says he's not, beyond that bad vibe you got but you seem to have moved on from that? So I guess my question is where is your head at?

 

You seem to want these men to jump into instant relationships with you but you know better based on the advice given here so in your mind you're having a battle.

 

I'm guessing. Apologies if I'm off.

[Alex39]

I think I am forcing myself to relax

Just be myself, and stay true to myself.

 

I was thinking the worst. But what truly is the worst? Him taking off? I'm alone now, so my life would go on as it is, great and happy. I need to keep my life in perspective. My life by myself. I got a great new job, have great friends. I was acting like this guy was god. He's cute and I like him, but we all have flaws. He seemed to like me quite a bit. Because I am cute, smart, and have a lot going for me.

 

I also find that communication is key. Maybe letting me know he is boggled down with homework, but we will talk soon. Just a heads up. But I suppose you don't always get that.

 

I also think I was living on a high from the weekend with a lot of excitement and then the regular ebs and flows of life came and I grew concerned when he seemed busy.

 

I'm trying hard to remain strong and confident. That is the real me. Not this mush of a person. The advice I tell all my girlfriends is confidence is key. Confidence, pacing, and staying true to yourself is key. I need to take my own advice. Guys like me for me. And if they don't then they aren't good for me or my life.

 

I only have myself at the end of the day.

 

I guess I think I rarely find people I connect with and I get so excited when we hit it off and I don't necessarily want an instant relationship, but the excitement makes me want to move quickly, see them all the time, etc... you get a high off of it.

[figureitout23]

I love this post xoxo.

 

I think you need a hobby.

 

I'm being serious.

 

You have friends and work which are fulfilling, but sometimes we need things that we can focus on that brings us pleasure. Just by ourselves you know?.

[Alex39]

Fact of the matter is we still have no plans or mention of the weekend away. Not sure if we will do anything anytime soon. I hope we do. If we don't, it will stink for me. It stings, but their are other men.

 

My deadline is tomorrow. If we are going away then he needs to make some kind of plan with me tomorrow, or I'm going to assume the plan is off. If he just wants to see me during the weekend, I'll give him until Friday morning to make a plan with me.

 

Some people I know are all "take charge" and "just ask him, be confident"

 

But I do feel the guy should chase a bit. I think I have shown interest and its in his court if he wants to see me again.

[Alex39]

I definitely think I need a hobby too. I like working out. Don't always have time for it. I do enjoy traveling a lot, but money is tight and going alone is dangerous. I actually highly enjoy shopping. I would shop more if I had more money. I love buying new things, decorating, and it brings me immense joy to shop. I watch tv often. I like that. I love getting immersed in shows and culture. To be honest, I spend a lot of time in my gead though. Thinking and thinking. TV gives me a break from that if its engaging enough. Otherwise I'm always thinking and thinking. I'm creative I think.

 

Truly, I feel like I have a lot going on in my life. A fulfilling career, friends, family, but the one thing I feel missing always is love. It kills me. I pray about it. To guide me to love. I feel like I would feel more complete with love to give and receive.

[figureitout23]

Are you sure you want to go away with him or is his distance causing you to go into panic mode?

[Alex39]

I truly don't know. See when we were having a great time friday night, he looked at me and asked if I'd go away with him. I thought about it and we were having the best time, so I said yes. He was over the moon and kept asking if I was sure or if I was going to back out or chicken out. I said no I wasn't. He knew I had been hesitant because I told him previous to that night. He was so happy and I feel like I almost promised him and said I would not back out because I was sure. I don't know why he wanted me to be so sure. So he could make arrangements? So he could see how comfortable I was? He said he wouldnt want me to do anything or go anywhere with him unless I was totally comfortable with him.

[Jibralta]

I truly don't know. See when we were having a great time friday night, he looked at me and asked if I'd go away with him. I thought about it and we were having the best time, so I said yes. He was over the moon and kept asking if I was sure or if I was going to back out or chicken out. I said no I wasn't. He knew I had been hesitant because I told him previous to that night. He was so happy and I feel like I almost promised him and said I would not back out because I was sure. I don't know why he wanted me to be so sure. So he could make arrangements? So he could see how comfortable I was? He said he wouldnt want me to do anything or go anywhere with him unless I was totally comfortable with him.

 

That's quite a bit different than what you said the other day (which is different from what you said before that):

 

We did say that maybe we would go away for the whole weekend, so maybe he is just saving everything up for that, being with me for those couple days.

 

Are you paying attention to your behavior?

[Alex39]

So the whole trip thing in full.

 

He mentions a trip on first date. Thought it was weird and he wasn't serious. Figured he meant down the road. He starts mentioning through text dates and I mention a date a month out where I have time off thinking we could at least date for a while. He's mentioning dates that are really soon.

 

He texts me about it for sooner and I didn't have the heart to say no, so I say yes for this upcoming weekend.

 

A while later I text honestly tell him its too soon for that I think. And tell him I'd like to get to know him better first and its a bit soon for stuff like that. He is sweet and understanding telling me he just wants me to be extra comfortable with him so we could have fun and I'd have no worries. I thought everything was good.

 

Then he text suggests two weeks after the date he wanted. I thought this was so weird. I asked for more time and he seemed to get it. Two weeks is not more time.

 

So I say, lets wait and see how it goes between us.

 

He then insists on cooking me dinner to spend more time with me to show me he isn't a weird guy to go away with.

 

We have such a great time he asks me again if I will go in person while he's here and we are meshing and brings it back to this weekend, his original early proposal. And I say yes and he asks if I am sure and I say yes.

 

Not thinking he will become a bit distant days after the dinner.

[figureitout23]

Ok, I had a much different impression than this. I don't know, I really don't. Hard to decipher with info given.

 

From this post it sounds like he's been trying to get laid, but other posts it doesn't, it's coming off mutual. I don't know, I can't tell

[Batya33]

Fact of the matter is we still have no plans or mention of the weekend away. Not sure if we will do anything anytime soon. I hope we do. If we don't, it will stink for me. It stings, but their are other men.

 

My deadline is tomorrow. If we are going away then he needs to make some kind of plan with me tomorrow, or I'm going to assume the plan is off. If he just wants to see me during the weekend, I'll give him until Friday morning to make a plan with me.

 

Some people I know are all "take charge" and "just ask him, be confident"

 

But I do feel the guy should chase a bit. I think I have shown interest and its in his court if he wants to see me again.

 

It would be desperate of you to ask him, not confident and not "take charge". And it wouldn't be chasing on his part to confirm a plan. That's just typical behavior when you make a plan with someone.whether date or friend. What's with the word "chase"? No one should chase. He has not chased you by asking you out or suggesting a weekend away. You've been very forward by inviting him over again to cook for him. That's more what couples do.

 

You don't need to go there with "confident" and "chasing" and the cliches about being true to yourself and confident. Find a very specific mantra that works for you - that resonates with you -that is very personal to you and kind of acts like snapping a rubber band on your wrist. Because all these abstractions and generalities you throw around regularly seem to have no impact whatsoever on your behavior, choices or actions. And you don't need to tell yourself your life is "great" and "happy" - because again that doesn't seem to resonate with you because your actions are too often desperate/overanalyzing/oversharing. Instead I would tell yourself what specific things are going well -no hyperbole or gushing -just whatever it is that's going well. Three things a day at least and ponder them before you go to sleep. However small. And you are not "alone" -what does that even mean? You're not "alone" if you're dating someone seriously? If you're married? Sure - might technically be true but isn't the point to have a life where you feel fulfilled as opposed to "lonely?" Plenty of people are lonely but not alone. Ask a parent with a child who is up all night sick while the other parent is away or maybe has never been there. Ask a married person who is an only child and just lost his parents. "But you're not alone!" aint gonna fly. Because you can feel alone whatever your status/feel lonely.

 

As far as "there are other men" - this man is an "other" -he is someone you met a few times. He is not in your life in any relationship way, yet. Not even close. Yes, dating stings. It can require a thick skin. As I've asked you before -you have to balance whether the sting is worth the potential for meeting a good match. If it is, you woman up and find a way to handle it so that you don't resort to this extent of self-pity/bitterness each time a new person isn't meeting your expectations of interest level. Sting -sure - like you brush off a fly. Meaning -feel what you feel - and find a way to react so that you don't choose to act in this way and resort to reexamining your life/happiness each time you meet someone new. Too stressful on your body and on your outlook. And will poison you potential to meet others. Again please don't respond with "I can't help how I feel" Not what I wrote. Do the work. It's worth it.

 

Edited to add- I strongly suggest not texting conversations like that with a new person. If you want to explain why you're now not comfortable with a plan that implies more intimacy then you ask when you can talk on the phone and you let him hear your voice when you explain what is going on. Texting is sure to lead to misunderstandings of all sorts.

[Wiseman2]

Why all the netflix and chill dates?

He then insists on cooking me dinner to spend more time with me to show me he isn't a weird guy to go away with. I say yes and he asks if I am sure.

[Honeycomb8]

It would be desperate of you to ask him, not confident and not "take charge". And it wouldn't be chasing on his part to confirm a plan. That's just typical behavior when you make a plan with someone.whether date or friend. What's with the word "chase"? No one should chase. He has not chased you by asking you out or suggesting a weekend away. You've been very forward by inviting him over again to cook for him. That's more what couples do.

 

You don't need to go there with "confident" and "chasing" and the cliches about being true to yourself and confident. Find a very specific mantra that works for you - that resonates with you -that is very personal to you and kind of acts like snapping a rubber band on your wrist. Because all these abstractions and generalities you throw around regularly seem to have no impact whatsoever on your behavior, choices or actions. And you don't need to tell yourself your life is "great" and "happy" - because again that doesn't seem to resonate with you because your actions are too often desperate/overanalyzing/oversharing. Instead I would tell yourself what specific things are going well -no hyperbole or gushing -just whatever it is that's going well. Three things a day at least and ponder them before you go to sleep. However small. And you are not "alone" -what does that even mean? You're not "alone" if you're dating someone seriously? If you're married? Sure - might technically be true but isn't the point to have a life where you feel fulfilled as opposed to "lonely?" Plenty of people are lonely but not alone. Ask a parent with a child who is up all night sick while the other parent is away or maybe has never been there. Ask a married person who is an only child and just lost his parents. "But you're not alone!" aint gonna fly. Because you can feel alone whatever your status/feel lonely.

 

As far as "there are other men" - this man is an "other" -he is someone you met a few times. He is not in your life in any relationship way, yet. Not even close. Yes, dating stings. It can require a thick skin. As I've asked you before -you have to balance whether the sting is worth the potential for meeting a good match. If it is, you woman up and find a way to handle it so that you don't resort to this extent of self-pity/bitterness each time a new person isn't meeting your expectations of interest level. Sting -sure - like you brush off a fly. Meaning -feel what you feel - and find a way to react so that you don't choose to act in this way and resort to reexamining your life/happiness each time you meet someone new. Too stressful on your body and on your outlook. And will poison you potential to meet others. Again please don't respond with "I can't help how I feel" Not what I wrote. Do the work. It's worth it.

 

Edited to add- I strongly suggest not texting conversations like that with a new person. If you want to explain why you're now not comfortable with a plan that implies more intimacy then you ask when you can talk on the phone and you let him hear your voice when you explain what is going on. Texting is sure to lead to misunderstandings of all sorts.

 

I have never cooked for a guy I haven't dated for at least 5 months lol. I think a guy appreciates this when u take it slow. So when I do, they are usually pretty stoked.

 

It's definitely not an initial dating thing to do.

[Batya33]

I have never cooked for a guy I haven't dated for at least 5 months lol. I think a guy appreciates this when u take it slow. So when I do, they are usually pretty stoked.

 

It's definitely not an initial dating thing to do.

 

When I was in my 20s it was holiday time. I'd baked toll house cookies from scratch. I went on a first date with a guy and on either that date or the next date I brought him half a dozen. He asked why only 6 and I told him because we didn't know each other well and I wasn't "easy". (part of the reason was I hadn't made a large enough batch given who I wanted to give to).

 

I think my husband and I cooked together after about a month of dating, at his place. And about a week later we realized that one of us (probably me) dropped raw chicken skin or fat into his trash can before there was a bag put in. Luckily we figured out the source of the terrible odor. We still talk about that 23 years later.

[katrina1980]

I don't think cooking for a man, or cooking together in these early stages is a bad thing necessarily.

 

I cooked for my current very early in, after HE had taken me out several times, plan and paid, so I wanted to reciprocate.

 

And spending an evening at home, even in the early stages, can be fun!

 

The problem with amk's situation is that he's never really taken her out and has displayed some rather questionable behaviors to say the least!

 

Oh he met her at school and they had lunch. I suppose one could consider that a date, so okay.

 

But then immediately after (or during) he invites her to go on a weekend road trip with him?

 

Then, at his request, she met him at school again (not a date).

 

And then we all know the rest, what took place at hers, him getting drunk, wanting and then staying the night, massaging her feet, stressing what a "nice guy" he is so she will feel comfortable taking this weekend trip with him, etc etc etc.

 

Not to mention now he appears to have gone cold! Except for a very brief text asking her how her day off was. And then gone cold again.

 

I dunno, it all sounds very cringeworthy to me, and I would not be trusting this guy as far as I could throw him.

 

That said, amk is obviously very taken with him, and I DO get how difficult it is sometimes to extricate oneself when in the throes of early infatuation.

 

So amk, while the pragmatic thing to do would be to ignore, block, delete (or simply tell him sorry this is not working out for you), I suppose given how you feel, you will play it out, as you have done with all the other guys.

 

I don't have high hopes but hey I could be wrong!

 

I've got my fingers crossed it works out (truly) so please keep us updated!

[Alex39]

Had contact this morning. Went cold again. Noticed he was changing bits of his online dating profile, adding info.

 

Guess I have my answer. 😞

[reinventmyself]

Had contact this morning. Went cold again. Noticed he was changing bits of his online dating profile, adding info.

 

Guess I have my answer. [emoji20]

I'm sorry.

I can imagine the disappointment but there is a valuable lesson here.

Out of the gate something felt off. When something feels off it's a glaring sign to not become invested. Besides, you likely wouldn't be posting here asking for feedback regarding his comments and actions if it felt right to begin with.

Just remember that next time up.

When it fits, makes sense and feels right, you'll know it.

For me, the minute I start getting mixed messages, I bail. That's my rule.

You'll make room for men that are transparent and make their intentions clear.