Getting in my own head

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately 4 dates in, it's a bit creepy to be feathering his nest like a mother or wife. It's also creepy to keep talking about weddings after a few dates.

 

When is he moving? Sadly it sounds like he's planning his exit loophole and already planned to move and has a job lined up. He knew this all along and unfortunately only mentioned this after this last date.

 

You can continue to see him until his move or you can decide that long distance/or moving there are not an option for you. Particularly with someone you know so briefly.

went shopping for a few things I told him his apartment needed.

 

I then joked that "well I guess the next one you go to will be ours"

 

He wants to live in another state. He just got his job here. he owns a plot of land down near his parents.

[Batya33]

Yes I agree about the apartment and buying him those things

[Alex39]

I think I may have misconstrued things.

 

I did not purchase him anything. I made some suggestions of things he needed. The guy is living on nothing. Didnt even have soap for me to wash my hands in the bathroom with. He had to hand me a bar of body soap and his bath towel. I said he should get soap and a hand towel. I made a few suggestions on furniture.

 

We went to Target and he bought the things for himself that I suggested. I didn't siggest crazy things either. Hand soap and some sponges, hand towel, and cleaning wipes. I wasn't suggesting spending big money on things. I helped pick them out. He bought them.

 

Secondly, he just moved here. Hasn't been here long.

 

Plans on staying for two years he mentioned. He isnt looking for other jobs right now. Probably wont apply for the large company for years

[Wiseman2]

When is he starting his new job and moving to that area?

 

It's inappropriate and rude to march into someone's home on a 4th date and start redecorating/ making suggestions about what "he needs". Who does that?

 

You are not his mother, you're not even his gf nor do you live there. A household shopping date on date 4 is just so wrong.

 

Poor boundaries and a domineering maneuver like this is a habit you need to get rid of.

I made some suggestions of things he needed. The guy is living on nothing. Didnt even have soap for me to wash my hands in the bathroom with. I made a few suggestions on furniture. We went to Target and he bought the things for himself that I suggested. I helped pick them out.

[Alex39]

He keeps saying how he wants to keep me forever and not let me go. He's brought up marriage.

 

I saw a pretty dress at a store. Said that if we got invited to a friends wedding I have so many outfits to wear.

 

He said he hated them. I said how could you hate them with a free meal, drinks, dancing. Then I mentioned how it wasn't free because of the gift. But still a fun experience.

 

He said how he didnt like them and would not go.

 

I theb laughed and said how I guess the next one will be ours. And then said a far far far way from now. If it pans out.

 

He then mumbled, it might be sooner than you think.

[Alex39]

I really did not mean to hurt his feelings or be domineering.

 

I thought I was helping. He hasn't even been washing his hands with soap. I am going to be going there regularly and I thought I was helping and being a good girlfriend. He's a clueless bachelor. He even says it. We joke about how he has me now for things like that, domesticated and such.

 

I am his girlfriend. In my last post that was established.

[figureitout23]

He keeps saying how he wants to keep me forever and not like me go. He's brought up marriage.

 

I saw a pretty dress at a store. Said that if we got invited to a friends wedding I have so many outfits to wear.

 

He said he hated them. I said how could you hate them with a free meal, drinks, dancing. Then I mentioned how it wasn't free because of the gift. But still a fun experience.

 

He said how he didnt like them and would not go.

 

I then laughed and said how I guess the next one will be ours. And then said a far far far way from now. If it pans out.

He then mumbled, it might be sooner than you think.

 

Ohhhhhhhh ok so its YOU driving the conversation in this direction. I think you accidentally let that slip because originally it looked like you were trying to make it seem like it was he who was doing all the hardcore pursuing, causing other posters to respond with him showing red signs, low and behold its YOU letting your red flags fly.

 

YOURE doing it and hes not running away. That could be a good or bad thing.

[Wiseman2]

When is he moving to his new area for his new job?

He said how he didnt like them and would not go.

[Alex39]

I think I added this previously. He said he'd like to stay here for a few years.

[Alex39]

He originally started all the serious hints and talk. Throwing out that kind of stuff.

 

I recently jumped on the train, but still do not mention it as much as he does.

[figureitout23]

I may be the odd man out but I say enjoy it. You both want a relationship, you seem to be on the same page. Dont stress about years down the line just yet. Youve been dating for 6 minutes, let things settle, we can have a general idea, but rarely do we know exactly where our life will lead years down the line. Who knows you could be broken up or you could be in a serious relationship and he decides hes content or you can decide you do want to move, all this, its all abstract right now, you dont know where your heard will be in 2 years. So enjoy your relationship for what it is today.

 

The both of you seem to want an instant deep relationship, again could be good could be bad. I personally think the both of you should slow down and enjoy what you two have. Youre second guessing and over analyzing everything, its just going to drive you crazy. I think this is gonna be a dry run for you, sorry, you both are already making cardinal mistakes, BUT I think you need this.

[Batya33]

No, it's not being a good girlfriend to help a "clueless bachelor" -please -nothing to do with being a bachelor and that's kind of infantilizing someone because he is male. It's mothering/heavy handed and it's not a positive that he allowed you to do that after knowing him such a short time (and after a long time, you do it if you're going to be living together or spending a lot of time there -like the time I found my future husband's ex girlfriend's feminine toiletries in the cabinet of his guest bathroom lol). I would be grossed out if there was no soap but he probably uses his bath soap and bath towel for hand washing (hopefully). And sure it's fine if you're going to spend the weekend to bring a shampoo you prefer or a soap you prefer and then take it home with you unless he tells you to leave it there. I think you are the one who might be "clueless" since you used the word about him,about appropriate boundaries. Are you feeling as desperate as you are acting?

[katrina1980]

Everything you wrote amk are the makings of a co-dependent relationship.

 

And believe it or not it’s also how those with huge commitment issues start off too.

 

Starting off very fast, one or both clinging (inappropriately) to the idea of a “committed” relationship pretty much from the get go, lack of boundaries in talking about weddings and marriage – amk, you suggesting things he should buy for his apartment like a “good girlfriend” would do? Seriously?

 

Did I misread or have you only had 4 or 5 dates?

 

The fact he’s so adamant about not liking weddings is extremely TELLING! Pay attention for heaven's sake. It has nothing to do with the food, dancing, etc. those things are fun.

 

His dislike for weddings runs deeper because to him, it represents two people becoming committed to each other for LIFE. Which clearly makes him uncomfortable hence why he stays clear of them!

 

Yet, when you mention that the next wedding you both attend will be "ours," he responds with "it may be sooner than you think." Not only was that a completely inappropriate thing to say after only 4-5 dates (as was what you said), but he just said he can't stand weddings any refuses to attend any!

 

Do you not see the mixed or double message there? Typical of those with commitment issues, again pay attention!

 

Girl, I’m telling you, you are headed for trouble. I really hate to be such a negative Nellie, but I can almost guarantee that if this keeps up, from both of you, he’s gonna eventually bail.

 

Or YOU will bail, because this is all WAY too much too soon, you're both clinging to each other for the wrong reasons, and frankly I think you have huge commitment issues yourself.

 

Which is why you keep clinging to these inappropriate guys who come on like gangbusters wanting to “lock you down” on the first date (or in his case before the first date!), and all the other inappropriate things he said (and the other guys have said) that would have any healthy woman running for the hills, only to disappear later.

 

There is a reason for that amk (hint - they're fantasy driven as I believe you are as well); I would suggest you dig deep into your soul to figure it out.

 

All that said, perhaps figureitout is right and you need to experience this.

 

Whether or not you learn anything from it is up to you.

[Batya33]

I agree with all Katrina wrote with one exception. I know many people who don't like wedding receptions and love the idea and indirect experience of marriage and seeing their friends take wedding vows, etc. I don't love wedding receptions of certain types and I love when people commit to each other out of love and caring.

 

But that's a minor point because OP you are going down the path Katrina described and almost in a robotic way "I am a "good" girlfriend" and kind of going through the motions of some notion of what you think "good girlfriend" means. After 4 dates no less.

[katrina1980]

You could be right about the weddings B; it was just my own sense from how he reacted when amk mentioned them.

 

"He said he hated them and avoided them at all costs."

 

It's one thing to dislike the fanfare of wedding receptions, but to announce to a woman you just started dating that he "hates" weddings and "avoids at all costs," sounds extreme and may possibly indicate an issue with commitment.

 

I know if a man I just started dating reacted that severely to the mere mention of a wedding (in general) combined with the other inappropriate comments he's made and the rush to "lock her down" before even meeting, I would be paying attention.

 

JMO on that though.

[Batya33]

Yes -I would have to know more about the context because then she talked about the reception only and the "free" meal. I agree.

[katrina1980]

You know it’s interesting; I just read amk’s update again and even the part wherein he said he wanted to wait a long time to have sex is telling and may possibly suggest commitment issues.

 

Nevermind the fact that what healthy, red-blooded male doesn’t want to have sex with a woman he’s attracted to, but more importantly, to those with commitment issues, sex represents emotional intimacy and commitment, so they avoid.

 

I actually got that from my brother, Mr. Commitment-Phobe himself.

 

He avoids weddings, he avoids sex, he rushes to lock you down before even meeting (suggesting he’s fantasy driven), yeah jmo but this guy has got “issues” written all over him.

 

I hope I'm wrong amk, best of luck.

[Wiseman2]

Often these updates sounds like rehearsals for conversations with her mother. He wants to get married, he doesn't want sex, he sooo into her, he needs the 'woman's touch' around the house and so on. This is all stuff she may have been coached to believe and needs the right answers and updates for the mother she talks to every night.

[Alex39]

I want to clarify the sex thing. We've been fooling around. Touching and making out.

 

He really wants to have sex, but could tell I wanted to wait a little while since we have not been together long. He said he is happy waiting any length of time and wants me to be ready but admits he can't wait for it.

 

I want to have sex with him very badly, but want to wait a while since it hasnt been a very long time.

 

I think we will end up doing it soon, next few months. We talk about it here and there.

[Batya33]

I like both of your approaches to sexual intimacy -completely normal that he desires to and is expressing that -doesn't seem like he wants to pressure you just wants you to know he desires to.

[katrina1980]

I want to clarify the sex thing. We've been fooling around. Touching and making out.

 

He really wants to have sex, but could tell I wanted to wait a little while since we have not been together long. He said he is happy waiting any length of time and wants me to be ready but admits he can't wait for it.

 

I want to have sex with him very badly, but want to wait a while since it hasnt been a very long time.

 

I think we will end up doing it soon, next few months. We talk about it here and there.

 

Thanks for clarifying amk, that actually sounds positive!

 

I realize I was on a bit of a rant, I just saw some red flags -- apologies I'll shut up now .

 

Good luck, and enjoy, see where it leads; I really do hope it all works out for you.

 

Keep us updated!

[boltnrun]

I think it's way too soon to be worrying about where you'll live after you get married. Jeez, 4 dates and this already???

 

And please, he didn't know to wash his hands with soap? His mother didn't teach him this when he was 2 years old? Has he heard of toothpaste? Antiperspirant? Laundry detergent?

 

I sure hope he used soap after he pooped.

 

I don't know, maybe you like project men where you "need" to show him how to do things.

 

Someone I know was dying to have a boyfriend and wasn't having any luck. So she found a homeless man, moved him into her home, then took him to a facialist and a dentist and bought him some clothes. She was really scraping the bottom of the barrel, but at least she wasn't boyfriend-less anymore!

 

I don't know if the guy you're dating is this extreme, but the "He didn't wash his hands with soap" thing seems awful weird.

[Honeycomb8]

Fck this is all way too much and scary.

 

 

You guys obviously both have severe issues.

It's been 4 dates! What the fck, stop talking weddings and kids and where you're gonna move. 4 dates is nothing.

[Jibralta]

He tells me all the time how he wants to keep me and I'm such a special girl, different from others. How he is so lucky to have me etc...

 

Listen, that's a bullsh*t statement that actually makes no sense if you think about it. Everyone is special and different, so he is just stating the obvious. It's not actually a compliment, but a seed of insecurity. He gets to decide when you're no longer special and different. Why does he need to put other women down to compliment you? And why does that make you feel good? I think it's ominous.

[Honeycomb8]

Yeah and you really need to stop the habit of going over to guys houses or have them come to yours when they're still hardly more than a stranger. That's very bad judgement and loose boundaries- something could have gone wrong and he could be a stalker for all you know. What's wrong with having 6++ dates outside the house...?